First step

[catsum]

Well, I did it. Yesterday was an exceedingly bad day, and I ended up on my bed shaking and crying. I sent my husband a text asking if he was with his parents...if he was, I was going to have him ask them to come over. He wasn't, so I told him never mind. I was going to get through the bad spell on my own and then I thought for a minute and picked up the phone. I called my mother in law hysterically crying, and when she offered to come over and bring my father in law, I agreed. I accepted help with my emotions at the current time, something that is SO hard for me to do. Like all of us I suppose, I can't ask for help with things, especially my emotions. I thank God that He gave me in-laws that came to my rescue when I really needed someone. :195: I'm proud of myself for taking that very small step towards beating this thing. It's a baby step, but like Confucious said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
I made that call, and you know what? It didn't kill me. Step one conquered.:29:

[Chewi]

Good for you! Keep up the good work. In AA they asked me how my finger was? Said they thought it looked well enough to dial the phone! Small steps, one day at a time.

[catsum]

I was just sending an email to an old friend that I have recently re-connected with and I realized something. My husband and I have been really isolated the past few years. We really don't have anyone close to us as far as friends go. We are super, super close to each other and would rather be together than with anybody else. Now that security is gone, we can't be together like we are used to, and it is tearing me up. I have to form relationships outside of my marriage and it scares the crap out of me. We have been together for so long (almost 9 years) that I have literally forgotten what it's like to not be with him. I don't want to do anything if he's not with me...how's that for unhealthy?

[catsum]

Step 2! That old friend I emailed called me last night and we spoke for 2 hours...I don't remember when the last time was that I talked on the phone for that long. Actually, the only time I really talk on the phone is at work. Just talking to someone made me feel so much better.

[Hyacinth]

I'm glad you were able to reconnect. :15:

[catsum]

Me too...I couldn't believe that we talked for that long. I spilled my guts and true to her nature, she picked me back up, dusted me off and sent me off to bed in better spirits. When we were running around together, she had a saying, "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Not technically her saying, but she is rather fond of it. I used to think that she was a season friend, now I know that she's a lifetime friend and I love her for it.

[hummingbird]

Hi Catsum

Just wanted to say that the honesty of your posts here are helpful to me.

Many of the women in my family were massively CoD, for all their accomplishments and strengths. I do realize that much of the time they stood alone in difficult circumstances, with an addict in the family--yet when opportunities arose to either face these truths or get help, they chose to continue in denial, manipulation, and so on.

So I hope you can also see how much courage, faith, and determination it takes for your having decided to follow The Road Less Taken! It's awesome that you're honest and brave enough to "Feel the Fear But Do It Anyway," (sorry if I sound like a walking self-help cliche, LOL...but it's true.) :lol: :29:

I'm divorced from a workaholic, and have been through the terror of having "only" God as My Co-Pilot, etc. ha ha. But over years of tests, and dogged determination to seek help, I learned and have grown so much.

(For a start, I learned that I couldn't do better than to have God/HP as my *Pilot* more often than not, and so on.) The more that I actively seek this alternate path--and the face of God--the greater my discernment grows. Thus, the more fortuitous circumstances I am able to help create--if only internally, as oppposed to just materially.

JMHO that sometimes life forces us to get things in internal alignment or integration before we can go on to something new. Learning/healing can be painful for a time, but the day comes when one can say, "BTDT"--and not operate out of fear, but faith and hard-won knowledge.

Sometimes all we need is encouragement to stay the course...:42:

Hang in there! :12:


Hummingbird

[catsum]

Thanks so much, Hummingbird. One thing I am struggling with is believing that I'm strong. People keep telling me that, but it's easy to doubt when you are alone in bed and crying. Times like that, I feel like the weakest person in the world. My counselor told me last week that if I wasn't strong, with all that I've been through in my life, I'd be in the nuthouse by now. She pointed out that since my "dysfunctional family life" did not begin until I was 11 and living with my dad, that my mom must have instilled the strength in me early on so that when my life really started to skid out of control, I was prepared and strong enough to handle it.
My husband and I cannot live together right now, and probably won't be able to for at least another 2 years. He is doing his own soul-searching and getting his life together, as am I. It is just SO HARD to live alone, just me and my kids. Deep down, I know that this is what we have to do right now but that doesn't make it any easier on me. My head knows one thing, my heart wants another and I am miserable. I'm just trying to get through each day the best I can.

[hummingbird]

Hi Catsum,

Yes, having the sole charge of children is very different from being single. I doubt very much that those who have not done it can ever understand. If some are willing to admit that thoughtful, hands on parenting is the hardest job on earth, it is exponentially harder when support is withheld or otherwise used to manipulate.

But many who are trying to parent with an addict in the mix are already sole parents in all but legal and/or financial terms, since the addict typically puts their addictions first. I know how rotten it feels to lose the potential which a marriage may represent; but over time, in such circumstances, we may come see that enabling others' detrimental behavior is unacceptable.

Over time I hope that your sense of psychological/social safety grows: Of course it helps to live in a comparatively safe neighborhood, and to begin building community contacts, as you feel up to it. It also helped me to remember that many people are lonely within marriage--even while sharing the same bed. An empty shell of a body is lousy company anyway, I figure! :24:

One of those 4-5 ft. long "body pillows" can be cozier than an emotionally unavailable/terminally manipulative spouse, IMO. :lol: Or for better symbolism, one might choose to curl up with one of those near-life size, giant, stuffed toy lions or tigers (who never snore, steal the blankets, kick, or make other demands, hee hee...)

They say that some pets help lower blood pressure (cats/dogs) and of course they can provide company sometimes better than a dysfunctional human, unfortunately! If it gets too quiet, I found that I would rather have educational or encouraging input from public radio or TV than the presence of a manipulative/obnoxious/often incapacitated person.

Support groups and telephone hotlines can ease feelings of isolation--just knowing that someone of reasonable socio-emotional intelligence is available to listen and provide feedback when you need it can be invaluable. (This is, of course, why many people turn to HP in time of need, also...)

But remember that it's entirely normal to go through a grieving process. Although others might find it more convenient if people were perfect robots who never required maintenance or attention, nevertheless, our own needs are important--even the so-called "invisible" psychological or social ones.

Not sure if there are any threads on this forum re abandonment, but I think folks at many different levels struggle with this. It can be very hard to turn one's primary reliance to HP/the Universe in general, and to accept that "shortcuts" (i.e. reliance on one person or a handful of people, exclusively) may not best serve our growth. But JMHO that with luck, perseverance, and increasing discernment and faith, one's personal courage and confidence grow over time.

Maybe there is a sort of spiritual weaning process...? :idea: (Anybody else have thoughts on that??)

It may be just as hard to walk away from a bad relationship as it is to walk away from "The Bottle" (speaking of weaning) or other addictions.

I've grown very protective of myself since the divorce, and now set boundaries where some other people seem to have had no idea that any should exist, LOL. :12: I do not tolerate fools gladly anymore...:cool:

As one faces the tests of single parenthood, working through grief over time, it's very likely that you'll re-evaluate more than just relationships, continue to make different choices, learn to fulfill some needs in different ways (for example, by expanding community,) and--best of all--emerge wiser and more confident.

As they say, "I'm not where I'd like to be yet, but I'm far ahead of where I was." :11:

[catsum]

My children are not my husband's...their father passed away 7 years ago. My husband and my daughter have issues between them, and for the time being, we can't live together. It has been difficult going from "we" to "me" but slowly, I am getting a handle on it. This is definitely not the life I would have chosen for myself given the option, but this is the hand that's been dealt to me. I either play it or fold and leave the table.
I'm realizing more and more every day just how much I came to depend on my husband and now that he's not here, I have to deal with it myself. The carpet cleaner stopped working, the dog started acting aggressive for no reason, the kitchen sink stopped up. For all those things I would have turned to him for help, but I can't do that anymore.
I have a housefull of "critters" to keep me company and love me when I'm down, but they also add to my stress since they're just more things that need my attention. 2 dogs, 2 cats, fish, a parakeet and hermit crabs. The kids help with them, but ultimately their care falls on me.
I don't know where I'm going with this post, I guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest tonight.