Broken

[Rocket2d4]

Hello my is mike, I'm recoverying whatever.

I was introduced to recovery AA/NA at a very young age.
I came into recovery in 1992. I remember it becuase it was
dated in my NA basic text. I hitted a bottom. I lost everything
including myself. I have plenty of war stories I can tell you from
my drinking and partying days. It seems so long ago. I wish not
to go back there. This is why I'm writing this. I don't want to go
back there.

I managed to stayed clean and sober for 11 years. I relapsed
for a month 5 years ago. I will be celebrating my 5 year again
next week. I can testify that I wasn't cured and have a deeper
understanding of that today. The physical addiction kicked into
over drive just within a month. I became very depressed and
physically illed in that short period of time. I started drinking
alone which was something I had never done. Perhasp by the
grace of god or the love of my sponsee my life was spared.

I'm having a very hard time with my life and recovery at the moment.
The past 7 years of my life had been a living hell. My GF which is
another recoverying alcoholic relasped. It was shear madness and chaos.
It hurted so freaken much that's why I drank again...and some people
would say I had resevations. I take full responsiblities for my actions
and not making any excuses. I had to earn everyday of my recovery for
the past 5 years. It's been a struggle living oneday at a time and
trying to accept life on life's terms. The struggles of my gf's addiction
and not wanting her to die. I love her very much. I don't want her to die.


Yet it gets worst and worst. I feel every fustrated and betrayed by
everyone and everything. All of this recovery stuff turned upside down.
She even cheated on me with my sponsee. I feel ripped and torn
by all of it...I have major trust issues...more than ever before.
More than before I came into recovery.

Everyday or everytime I attend meetings I feel like breaking down
and giving up. I tried to do it alone..but I went crazy.
So I started attending meetings again. I'm getting better.
Yet that pain and fuastrations had never left me...no matter
how much I let go over and over again.

It's like pouring salt in my wounds. She's so holier than thou. Guys
and oldtimers hit up on her all the time...I hear all the recovery talk
but no one is walking it. It's been 3 years since she' been sober.
We broke up 2 years ago becuase I read a bonch of PM and e-mail
guys write her from recovery web site...yeah...yeah god this god that
and they're her soul mate. Then I see all of this in real life in meetings
in our area.

She tells everyone she's worked her steps and her sponser talks
step work all day long in meetings of what a good program and
how spritual and honest they are. She even gose especifically
saying she worked her step 8 and 9.
God this and god that. Working an honest program..

I read step 8 and 9 in the 12&12 and other recovery books.
It saids what it saids. I also read the 1st step

You make it right..you stop the pains .

I worked my step 8 and 9...I didn't like it. The people I hurted
held me accountible for what I do , not what I say.
I had to make restitutions for the wreackages I cuased.

I know this much. I live with my gf for over 12 years. I wiped
the puke stains off of the walls many nights...and many many
ugly events in our lives..and I was sober for the most part of it.
There wasn't anyone else helping me. I got down my knees and
prayed almost every night.

I also would know if she made amends to me.
Well she hasn't say a word to me or even tried after all these years.
Not even 10 mins of her time for the 12 years of my life I spent with her.
I need closure.

I know how cut people out of my life when I don't care or not want to held accountiable for anything.
I've been there. I know what it's like to be a selfish self center prick.

Not in recovery...that's why I was told I had to change my life.
That's why I stopped living like that...cuasing pains for myself
and everyone around me. The people that loves me the most.

So what gives?
So I'm not suppost to lean on other people for my happiness.
Poeple are going to do whatever they are going to do.
I have to accept that. Yes life is unfair.

Yes, she dosn't care...that's old knews to me.

It's too much to ask for and expect some people to be a decent human beings.
It is what it is. It's harsh.
It is however unnecessary and life dosn't have to this way.

It hurts like hell. I don't want to drink no matter what
but it still hurts like hell.

I had to write this...maybe I can let go of it all

[yukonm]

Dear Broken,
Thanks so much for your share. You have worked the program so you know that now you have to go back to basics and get back on track. Do the same things you did that kept you clean/sober for 11 years. Remember we must THOROUGHLY follow the path of those who have traveled this road ahead of us.
I am glad you found us. We are here to support and encourage you. Please keep coming back...we need you.
http://i657.photobucket.com/albums/uu291/yukonm/Decorated%20images/Welcometothegroup.gif

[Rocket2d4]

10/14/09.

Okay..there's been things happening in my life recently,
since I made the original post. I was in a lot of pain
and just like giving up on everything. I didn't even
mentioned that someone I love and care for so much
died last year. That sent me into a spirial.

I was struggling with that, plus all the extra BS that
was going on in AA with my EX-GF.
We will love you and accept you...my ass.
I was made to be her escape goat and whatever freaken
lies and half truth she was saying about me. Freaken
people were trying to get up in her was more like it.

Her idea of dealing with it is pretending like I'm dead.
I freaken swear to you..that's what she told me.
She has to pretend like I'm dead so she dosn't have
to deal with it..but then turns around say she worked
all of her steps and especailly boast about making all her amends.
Then pour more salt into the wounds watching all the 13 steping
or guys hitting up on her in front of me...
Errrr???

Attending meetings again for the past year was a
major, major struggle for me...walking on eggshells
and seeing the **** elephant in the meetings of AA
was totally retarded. These people can't even look
at me in the eyes...

Sometimes I feel like telling old timers with to F-off.
I don't want what they have...When they get done
with their gambling addictions and problems...they
can come talk to me..lol

Putting personalities before principle, substituting
one addiction for another...errr wtf???
With freaken a couple of decade of recovery too..

Anywho....

Maybe it's god working in my life today...IDK.
Sometime if I think too much about it , it overwhelms
me. Too good to be true or mirracles happening...
Most of it had been good.

I didn't even get my 5 years tokken at first..
It's like people totally flaked it and didn't give a rats
ass about me recovery...

But my step duaghter that I havn't seen in 12 years
called me and spoke to me on my recovery birthday.
That was the greatest gift anyone could had given me
for my birthday...I really, really need that. Just hearing
from her and talking to her for hours brought some
hope and comfort in my life for the first time in a long time.

I love her very, very much. As she loves me.
We were saperate from each other without our permission
or given a chioce in the matter. Our relationship
wasn't wacked. We're continuing and trying to rebuild
our relationship. I hung on to that...even if the fellowship
totally flaked it.

This is what's tripping me out....

My ex-gf who is in recovery, talks about god, working steps
making amends, work such an excellent program of pretending
like I'm dead.

I felt freaken dirty, used, abused and tossed away like a piece
of trash. I busted my ass, raised her son and provided us a
good home to living in. I did what I thought a man should do.
Be responsiable and take care of his family. What god intended
for men to do..Grow the **** up and be a man.
I didn't want to be the way that I was in my marriage.
Then i got laid off after working for a company for over 16 years.
The economy collasped. It was beyound my control. I was 1 out of
300 people that got laid off from my place of employment.

My ex-gf drop me like it was nothing. Without reasons.
All the stuff about loving someone and money can't buy
you love. All the **** she talks about .All the crap that women
talks about...When you love someone it's not about the money.
I felt like my life was a total freaken lie. Plus to have this type
of BS happen in recovery is totally retarded...
I didn't hurt my ex-gf. I was clean and sober for the most part of
it and was trying to do the right or healthy thing.
And i got pissed on and blamed for it.

Here's the thing...My EX-WF contacted me about a month
ago after I posted this thread. She reach out to me.
She was the person I hurted and turned her life into a living
hell in my drinking and using days.

Not in a million years did I ever imagine her calling me
and wanting to talk to me becuase we went through a bitter
deviorce battle. She was the first person on my list of people
I needed and wanted to make my amends to. Writing her
a letter and not being able to mail it is onething..
(becuase she cutted me out of her life)
Being able to make amends to her. To actaully tell her in person.
She's not dead. Just being able to listen to her express herself
of how much everything that happened turamartized her and hurted
her. Just being able to listen and talk to her about everything has been healing for the both of us. Being honest to each other and able
to have peace between us. Just hearing her tell me that she forgives
for everything that I've have done to her. Being able to tell her
I'm sorry and hearing her say that she too was sorry for hurting
me. Without condeming or judging each other.
It had been very emotional for the both of us. Yet healing at the sametime. Removing the guilt, shame and hurt we both been carrying.

Here's the thing...My EX-WF asked me out when we first met.
I didn't have a dime in my name. She loves me ...not for what
I have or didn't have.

I told her my current situations and She still say She loves me
after all these years. She loves me even if i don't have a dime
in my name or is currently unemployed.
She said she's been praying. She's not in recovery.
I havn't spoken to her for almost 20 years.

Within the past months she's given me hope again.
I don't feel like a peices of trash.
I don't feel like my life or our marriage was a lie.

I don't know it's a god thing or a mirracle
becuase I was broken when I posted this thread.
Something had to give becuase I was broken.

Maybe something was listening to me becuase I really , really
needed this..I really needed to see it. I needed something
tangible. I needed healing.

If there's a god..God works in mysterious ways.
At least it's been this way for me.

[Rocket2d4]

10/21/09

Timming..As stated in step #9.

Okay..life gose on. And i have more challenges
I'm having to face. I have a duaghter from my
marriage. I hanv't seen her since all hell broke lose
20 years ago. She's my only biological child.

My ex-wf had been encouraging me to reach out
to my duaghter. She wants me to write my duaghter
my side of the story so that she may get a fuller picture
or the truth. My ex-wf knows I love my duaghter
very much. She too have been carry a lot of guilt
of taking my duaghter out of my life. She had always
love me and have been holding all that in for years.

I had to make it clear to her ..it wasn't her fualt.
She did the best the she could at that time in her life.
She basically cutted me out of her life and had to make
decisions that was best for her and my duaghter...
Never the less...she still felt guilty about what she had to do.
It was her truth and how she processed it.

I cuased her hurt in ways I didn't understand...
The entire time i thought she was just very, very angery
at me and hated me. I was very hurt and angery towards
her for taking my daughter away from me.

Just her being able to turely talk about this very, very
personal matters had been healing for her.
We're not blaming anyone anymore. We both just
want peace for all of us.

My ex-wf, my duaghter and I all have onething
in common. We all didn't know our biologically father.
I havn't seen my father since i was a child becuase
he was a total freaken drunk.
My EX-WF didn't know her father. She was separate from
him from as child too becuase of alcoholism.
My biological daughter too.
Yeah...alcoholism is a family dis-ease.

It has been effecting my duaghter in many ways.
She's bascailly just like me or have many traits
that ex-wf & i have...co-dependency and possibly alcoholism.

Trying to break the chain or hurt and pains.

I've been struggling with this...I'm not sure if it was
the right thing to do...But it's from a request of
my Ex-wf. She told me how she felt about her
father not contacting her or reaching out to her.
I guess it's part of me making my amends to
the people I love and hurted...

What would you have me do to make it right or clean
up my mess?

It's not all about me....
My duaghter needs love, understanding and healing too.

I'm not sure what to write. My wife just told me
to tell my duaghter of all the times I spent with
my duaghter when she was a baby.

It's very emotional for me becuase I was very attached
to my duaghter when she was a baby. The day she
was born was the happiest moment in my life.
Losing my duaghter was extreemly painful.
At the time in my life..my duaghter was the only pure and innocent
thing in my life. I felt everything else was tainted..my marriage,
my career, my friends, my enemies and Me.

Anyway...this is what's infront of me today.
More opportunities to make things right.
I have to sieze this moment and opportunity.
God's will for me...Idk

[katiebell]

Thank you so much for sharing and the willingness to repair your family..it will pay off if you follow through.

[Rocket2d4]

Okay...I finally got the nerves to send my daughter an e-mail.
I've been tripping out on that. I found myself checking my
mail every other hour for the past couple of days and almost
obsessing on that. I know I have to put it all in god's hand.
And whatever the outcome I have to accept it.

So far she hasn't sponded to me....
It's her chioce and that's about as simple and realitic as it's going to get.

My truth is I love my duaghter very, very much and I very much
want her in my life. And it's always been my hopes and dreams
that I might see her again. That hope had kept me going for
all these years.....

What I want and want I get might not be the samething.
I'm trying to keep positive and not let my mind
take me places I won't want to go. Whatever expectations I have...
I have to let go of them. No matter how painful or emotional I
get. It is out of my hands and beyound my control at this piont.
My love for her will never change or stop no matter what happens.

On the other note....more stuff.
I guess my HP deem it's that time and somehow I'm ready to handle it.
I set next to my HS Sweet/finace's mom yesterday in a meeting.
This woman had been supportive in my recovery and made a difference.
The simple fact that she actaully gave me a hug in my first couple
of meetings when I first came into AA was a mirracle in itself.lol
The last time I saw her was 12 years ago.
That was the AA that I grew up in. The AA the I knew.
She loved me unconditionally. Whatever hate she had for me..She sholved aside.
The love ,pateince and tolerance she had for me.
She showed to me by hugging me. She showed it me by sharing her experince strenth and hope.
My ass was failing off everyother other day then she told to just hang on to my ass.
After I relapsed after a month at first...She told me simply without preaching to me..."YOU HAVE A CHIOCE"
"YOU KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT"
I struggled doing it ONEDAY AT A TIME...She told me " YOU CAN START YOUR DAY OVER ANYTIME YOU LIKE"
She love me and gave salutions and she never made me felt like I was unwelcome.

I belive the woman wanted to poke my eyes out when I was dating
her daughter in my drinking, using and partying days(20 years ago).
Not sure if she hated me or just knew my fiance and I were totally
wacked out kids and headed in the wrong direction...We did and there were plenty
of dramma, truama, insanity in that relationship...We were young
and totally clueless about acloholism and both came from very, very
dysfuntional families. Lots and lots of chaos that wacked she and I
out in so, so many ways. Yet we love each other and at times had
to fight everything and everyone just so we can be with each other.
At the sametime it was a very, very toxic relationship.

It's better than any day time dramma TV....I know that.lmao

She was my first love. we were both young and innocent and had
plans...big...big plans and it all went to ****. Alot of it was becuase
other people were making decisions for us that we both didn't like.
When you're young, in love and you feel like the world was ****ting
on you....She and I hung to each other like crazy glue. Two 2 crazy
kids together was ultimate insanity....I carried a lot of wackage
and bagage from that relationship into future relationships....


So...I've decided to take an inventory, again. I didn't want to becuase it's
very emotional and painful. i don't want to go live in the past or
relive it or experince that every again...but i can't close the door
on it and for some reason it's being brought up again.
I've written about this many, many times. I get a freaken headache
and the pages are soak with tears everytime.
FACE EVERYTHING AND RECOVER...I suppose.