Dating an alcoholic?

[ShanMac]

Hi there, I'm new to the forum, I'm glad I found it. I'm not an alcoholic but I think my bf might be. I hope you don't mind me posting here, I'd really like to hear the 'other side' perspective.

I've been dating a man for 3.5 months, we have lots of fun together, he's interesting BUT there's an issue with his drinking. When we first met, he told me that 15 years ago (he was 19), he had a drinking problem, got a DUI and basically hit rock bottom - part of his court order was to attend AA for 6 months but he had a hard time connecting with people who were alot older than him (also his father was also an alcoholic). A month passes and I notice that after work, he'd often have a couple of drinks (sometimes every day). He wouldn't be drunk but knowing his history I had to wonder if something was up. I noticed that when he'd have a couple of drinks, sometime he'd get moody, sarcastic, negative and defensive about things that he had no reason to be defensive about. I brought it up a couple of times in a nice way, that I noticed him drinking every day (just about) but he'd get really defensive and sometimes would say that I'm making him feel bad/guilty, I'm judging him and that he feels like he can't be himself. This was really hurtful to me as I'm really proud of him and felt myself falling in love with him.

Last week, we had a date and for some reason things went really sideways. He was being impatient, mean and again said that he can't be himself around me. We broke up and as I was leaving, he got real and sat me down and said that he felt like he was slipping lately, he feels really guilty about it, he has urges to drink during the week, he feels badly about himself, he's really hard on himself and he knows he gets defensive talking about his drinking unless it's on his terms. I told him how I noticed his behaviour can change when he drinks that he should look into getting help. We talked the next day and he started to downplay the previous nights events. He said he just wants to go back to having some drinks on the weekend, not after work any more - but I'm not convinced that he can have a 'normal' relationship with alcohol, ever. He thinks he just needs to drink less often. He's a high functioning drinker, that's for sure. He goes to work, gets his stuff done around the house, exercises, has hobbies. My questions are: is he an alcoholic? how do I help him? It's hard to bring things up with him b/c I worry about him shutting down, getting defensive and being overly dramatic (e.g. let's break up!).

This is also affecting me and how I feel about myself and our relationship. I have anxiety about this. I just spent a year and a half in group therapy and getting help for myself to deal with my anxiety disorder. I'm a really strong person but I'm really starting to feel muddled and insecure.

Any advice will be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

[patrickst78]

shanmac
Hi im patrick,also new to the forum, i just wanted to thank you for the post. i cannot really add anything other than i will pray that you find the answer your seeking. i was once told that if everytime bad things happen when u drink, not everytime but whenever instances do happen that you been drinking or using drugs its a sign. have a good day, god bless

[Rocket2d4]

I'm a recoverying alcoholic..
I lived a with an alcoholic that relapsed.

Well...it drove me more batty. What really sucks about that was.
I suffered all the **** consequences and didn't even get to
catch a freaken buzz. To top it off she freaken blamed me for
everything...just becuase it was a Tuesday.

yeah, I learned some retarded lesson..
Not to ever date or have a relationship with an alcoholic/addict
againt. In recovery or not.

Jeezzze....even my ex-wf (a normie) that hated my ass because
of all the wreackage and pains I cuased in her life has alot more
compassion, love and understanding towards me than some alki/addicts that been in recovery for decades.

I read your post Shanmac. There's red flags everywhere.
You mean you're starting to feel immeshed..lol
I say.... run like hell.

3 months is a relative short time.
It's a lot better than 12 freaeken years later. Feeling lonely, alone
and abandent when you're in a relationship is totally retarded.

There's plenty of avaliable people in this world.
You can't change him. You can only change yourself.
You can't save or fix him...You know this.
(you went to group therapy for yourself)
You deserve better than that. Screw guilt.

[BIG AL]

I welsome your posts I would have to say that only he can say if he is a alcoholic.I also have to tell you if he is this is probably only the beginning of the insanity even if he does get sober.We are great folks here.Moody yes undpredictable crazy very.If you are going to stay with him you need to get help.I suggest you run evaluate what going on and try to not do it for him. Be blessed.

[zoomie]

I'm with the poster above, run!!! No need to put yourself in a situation that is only going to make you feel down later on because it will get worse unless he is in recovery or in some sort of treatment for his moods and drinking too.

[sioux]

I can tell you my mode of operation for years as a practicing alcoholic was that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, and worse than I expected. What that means is that I would minimize my drinking through a series of rationalizations...my car, my ex, my job, my dog, etc. And when these things get better, I will be okay and probably not drink so much. Or it was a great day, sunny out, just got paid, blowing of steam from stress, and on and on.

I'd have a bad episode and reach out. The next day the fog would clear and I'd swear to be more on guard about how much and when I drank.

My life was spiraling out of control. I was at the end of my rope, and of course that is always the best time to start a new relationship. It's like going to a different bar looking for a fresh start after everyone at the old bar is fed up with your antics.

How do you help someone like us?

People were leaving me alone. Left to my own devices. It got real lonely, real fast, and that is when I got help. I am sure many people cared deeply for my situation, but out of self preservation or a state of hoplessness, they left me, and I am grateful to them all for their wisdom.

[ShanMac]

Thanks for all the replies.

A quick update: He and I belong to the same social networking site. He posted Thursday night, publicly, that he was white knuckling it and his grip was fading.
When I saw this status update the next morning, I was really concerned that something was wrong. I texted him asking if he was okay. He replied that he was great.

We spoke later that day, I asked him what he meant by such a post and he said he was just screwing around and it didn't mean anything. The conversation then turned ugly when I told him that 'white knuckling' in my world means that you're struggling staying away from alcohol. Long story short, he said he doesn't want to ever talk about his drinking past with me, it's a 'dead horse' and that if I ever bring it up again he won't talk to me.

I feel he was really disrespectful in how he speaks to me about this, he's so defensive. I told him that it's not a dead horse considering that last weekend, he said he couldn't imagine going a Monday-Friday without a drink. I understand that this is HIS struggle but I just wish he could talk to me calmly about it so I could understand. Also I also wish he could understand that I'm confused because sometimes he says it's not a problem and then other times he talks about how drinking doesn't make him feel good about himself.

I'm so confused. I feel like I'm the crazy one. I'm having great doubts about whether he could be a good support to me if I were having problems. His refusal to help me get clear on what's going with him is causing me great anxiety. I'm so sad.

[BIG AL]

lOOK HE CANT TELL YOU WHATS GOING ON WITH HIM BECOUSE HE DOESNT KNOW.HE HAS NO CLUE WHAT TO DO OR WHATS GOOD FOR HIM.IF HE DID HE WOULD OF DONE IT.YOU CANT FIX HIM.HE HAS TO FIX HIMSELF.GOD BLESS YOU I WAS A MASTER AT MAKING MY WIFE FEEL LIKE IT WAS ALL HER FAULT BUT SHE FIGURED IT ALL OUT OVER TIME

[zoomie]

He is just protecting himself so he can keep on drinking. It has nothing to do with you!

[Rocket2d4]

ShanMac

What you're writing is classic, classic co-dependency
traits, behaviors and symtoms.

As you stated you're not totally will yourself and have been
in therapy yourself.

As I stated it drove me batty living with an alki in denial.
In other words I suffered PTSD. My emotions got dragged
through the mud than some. I went tatally in enabling and
got totally attached to her...

However I too had to stop living my own denial.

A well person will drop him like a hot patatoe without
the guilt, shame, worries or conflicts.

He can't give you what he dosn't have.

[ShanMac]

I don't mean to sound dense but what's the best course of action?

Leave him?
Try to realize his problems aren't my problems and stay with him?

Thanks again everyone, my mind is so mixed up right now, I can't see the forest for the trees.

[zoomie]

Leave him dear for your own sake!!!

[Rocket2d4]

Lets say you're standing in a house
Lets say someone else beside you started a fire to burn the house.

A, stay, get burn and accussed of starting the fire.

B, get out of the fire

C, pray for god to save you.

[skyhook]

Sometimes we postpone the real blessings of tomorrow,

by postponing the pain and propping up the realities of today.

[sioux]

Did you read my post? Alcoholics are manipulators of truth and lies. We use anything to get what we want because it works. Right now he weilds the power; you are giving him your power and I suggest, strongly, that you reclaim your own sanity and move forward with your life. It will not get better.

[ShanMac]

Well, I'm back with an update. I'm embarassed to write the update because I think I'm trying to deny the obvious.

My bf and I broke up for a couple of days. Then we talked. He apologized and said I'm allowed to ask him about things whenever I want. Things seemed good and fresh for about a week or two. Then he bought a 26 oz of rum. I didn't see him drink any of it but the bottle is now empty after 6 days. To me, that's a lot of booze for one person and I'm pretty sure he wasn't sharing it with friends as he's working a lot. In fact, I don't even know when he had time to drink it between working every day for 10 hours and having family obligations. I hate that I was monitoring how quickly the bottle lasted, I'm playing detective.

I don't even know if I should bother asking him about it because I didn't actually see him drink it. He's been very nice and sweet the past few weeks. Guess he's on his best behaviour. I'm cynical.

[TaylorLeigh]

Not sure if he is an alcoholic or not, but if you think he needs to cut down because of how he acts... he at least has a drinking problem. Good luck to both of you as you iron (or attempt to iron) this out.

[Honey Barbara]

Can't add anything - Just wanted to say
THANK GOD FOR THESE PEOPLE
Honey - Barbxxxxxxxx
p.s did you see - did you see - I used the G word

[ShanMac]

Hello again,

First, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has responded to my posts. While some of the advice seemed scary at times, only because I wanted to hope for the best, I truly appreciate it. It's funny how perfect strangers can clearly see what I wanted to deny: my bf has a drinking problem.

A couple of days ago, I ended things with him and told him I was uncomfortable with his level of drinking. He replied that he'd hardly been drinking at all. I pointed out that drinking multiple beers every day plus going through a 26oz of rum in 6 days was a lot. He said that he doesn't have a problem with that amount and there's nothing wrong drinking that much. I expected him to deny that he had drank the rum by himself but he didn't. This conversation made it crystal clear to me that this is not what I want in a partner.

Since breaking up, my anxiety has come down and I'm feeling better because I don't have to think about his drinking. I no longer have to try and overlook his lies and coverups. I'm sad and worried for him but he isn't ready to look at himself and his drinking.

I am struggling with wanting to help him somehow but I know that's not up to me.

Again, thank you all and I hope you all continue on the path that you wish to be on.

[Poppy]

Leave him as fast as you can. It is a life of hell.

[Deeters]

ShanMac

Read "Get Rid of Him" and "Women Who Love Too Much." Both of these books will open a person's eyes as to the pros and cons of draining relationship. Make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. If you think things are crazy now, the future won't get better, it will only get worse.

You're not crazy and it's not about you, it's about him.

Run, run, run....read the books and decide if you want peace or chaos, uncertainty and loss of self. Getting involved with someone like him, will only rob your life, not add to it.

If a person doesn't add to my life, I end the relationship. I drain my life enough myself without being with someone who is so self-absorbed, that it's all about them.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Dee