from joy2meu. brilliant distinction

[serenity3]

Healthy Romantic Relationships - Interdependent, not codependent

"You are not going to live happily-ever-after once you find your prince or princess. There is no happily-ever-after on this plane of existence. You may find your prince or princess but they will have issues to deal with. Relationships are something that needs to be worked on - not some magic wand that makes everybody happy."
***
"A healthy romantic relationship is based on interdependence. Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics. Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem. . . .

. . . Interdependence is about making allies, forming partnerships. It is about forming connections with other beings. Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings."
***
"It is impossible to Love without giving away some power. When we choose to Love someone (or thing - a pet, a car, anything) we are giving them the power to make us happy - we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us or cause us to feel angry or scared."



i like that x the fact that i do have to get vulnerable and my feelings will sometimes be hurt...but that doesnt have to affect my self esteem. :29:

[clean42day]

I have always loved Robert Burney's site on codependence. He goes into depth and I have always been able to find another recovery tool burried in his work.......each year I re-read something - It takes on a new aspect I can relate to.

Being almost 7 years clean and sober and also recovering from Codep, I think and feel I am just now finally internalizing what inter-dependence means. Just like the above quote said - we do give some of our power away - but the beauty of that is that that power flows back and forth and becomes a pathway to deeper trust. Yes in some aspects we give the other person permisssion to create happiness or woundedness....but this is the challenge of interdependence.........no matter what the other person does....I too am still responsible for how I respond, react, and how I internalize thier actions.
I am always accountable for what I do - no matter how I feel....and detachment is sometimes my best defense. it is an understatment to say that codep people are overly sensitive and we take things wayyyyyy to personally sometimes.

I have learned how to say - "wow that hurt".....be emotionally honest about it and then.....the biggest challenge of all......not act out on it and forgive and let go.

sometimes it takes just as much energy to hold on to things as it does to let them go.....but letting them go brings a much better result.

for me I went from codependent - to contra-dependent - and now I am living in the interdependent stage....and yeah sometimes I fall back, stumble, and bump my little head and revert back to being a knucklehead too.....it's all part of the process of eliminating what not to do.......self forgiveness is also a huge part of self esteem also.

thanks for listening

light and love

Gail