Drunk Humor

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Said the tipsy driver to the highway patrolmen who pulled him over, "I wish you people would get your act together! Last night you took my license away, now you wanna see it!"

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A drunken lady called the fire department and screeched, "Come quick! My house is on fire!" To which the fireman reasonably responded, "How do we get there?" Upon which the lady queried rather crossly, "Whazza matter? Don't you have your little red truck any more?

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Two drunks wandering through the grounds of the county fair and pausing to watch a group of men having a tug-of-war game. As the contestants strained and pulled on the rope, one drunk said, to the other, "Wouldn't it be easier if they just cut it?" `

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A fellow came home at 5:00 AM, and his wife demanded to know where he had been. "Arrested," he said. "Arrested!" his wife exclaimed. "What for?" "I got arrested because I didn't want to wake you up when I got home. So I figured I'd take my clothes and shoes off before going upstairs." A glint of suspicion in her eyes, the wife asked, "Now just how can you get arrested for that?" "Well," he said, "when I got upstairs I was in an elevated railway station."

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An intoxicated and rather battered man was found lying alongside a highway and was taken to the police station in a squad car. When asked by the desk sergeant why he'd been reclining by the thoroughfare, the lush stated that he'd been run over by a great big dog. The policemen smirked, and winked at each other. "What kind of a dog was it?" the sergeant asked facetiously. "A Great Dane? Newfoundland? Wolfhound?" "I dunno," muttered the tipsy pedestrian. "All I can tell you is, it seemed to be running alongside a great big bus."

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A women picked was by the fuzz for being drunk on the public streets. When asked by the judge how she pleaded, she replied, "Innocent, by reason of insanity." Insanity?" queried the beak, dubiously. "Yeah," answered the lush, "I'm crazy about the stuff."

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Two lushes decided to go to a burlesque show. Not being able to focus too clearly, they arrived instead at a ballet theater. After several minutes of watching the performers twirling around on the tips of their toes, one of the fellows complained to his friend, "If they wanted tall girls, why the heck didn't they just hire tall girls?"

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A fellow with a bit to much to drink arrived home hours late with the excuse that he had taken the wrong bus. "In the shape you're in," snarled his wife, "how did you find out?" "Well," he explained, "I got suspicious when it stood at the same corner for an hour. But what really tipped me off was that people were coming in and ordering hamburgers."

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A drunk was expecting some marital tension at home. Naturally, he went to the bar to find a solution. At the pub, he complained to another drunk. In the course of their conversation, his friends declared, "You know, I think God speaks to us through our spouses." The first drunk considered the statement, shook his head in amazement, and said, "Wow. I didn't know God used that kind of language."

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5 Stages Of Drunkenness



Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And
of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are smart.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST
LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to
a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about
any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored
truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your
bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or
money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point
you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room
cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the
words.

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OUR LAGER,

WHICH ART IN BARRELS.

HALLOWED BE THY DRINK,

THY WILL BE DRUNK, (I WILL BE DRUNK)

AT HOME AS IN THE TAVERN.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD;

AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES,

AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.

AND LEAD US NOT INTO INCARCERATION.

BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.

FOR THINE IS THE BEER,

THE BITTER AND THE LAGER,

FOREVER AND EVER....AMEN

ANONYMOUS

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Brandy to the Rescue

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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Horse Walks into a Bar

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"