Drunk Humor

[admin]

A woman was sick to death of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister." :D

[admin]

One Friday morning an alcoholic sadly remarked to one of his co-

workers how he hated to see Friday roll around each week. When
asked what he disliked about Friday, he said, "Wal 'tain't that
I got anythin' agin Fridays, but the next day is Saturday an' I
gotta go get drunk an' I sure do dread it."

[admin]

A drunk who was sent to the store by his wife to buy a bottle of Cheer and came home with a fifth of Old Granddad.

[admin]

Two drunks wandered into a zoo. As they staggered past the lion's cage, the king of beasts let out a terrible roar. The first drunk said, "C'mon, let's get outta here!" The second drunk made himself comfortable on a bench and replied, "You go ahead. I'm stayin' for the movie."

[admin]

A subway was being dug. A drunk stopped beside the excavation and called down to the man at the bottom of the pit. "Shay, whatcha doin' down there?" "Building a subway." "How long's it gonna take to build it?" "Three years." "The Hell with it. I'll take a taxi."

[admin]

A fellow walks up to the shooting gallery at the county fair. He's obviously inebriated, but the guns haven't much range, and he's insistent, so the proprietor took his dollar and let him have at it. Lo and behold, the drunk scored a perfect bulls-eye! The proprietor is peeved, but figures that guy's so drunk he won't notice he's been gypped. Instead of giving the drunk the grand prize (an over-sized stuffed animal), the proprietor hands him a small bag with one of those pet turtles in it. The drunk wanders off happily. About a half hour later, the same guy shows up wanting to take another shot. He's even drunker than before, so the proprietor is astonished when he knocks off another bulls-eye. Once again though, the proprietor hands him a pet turtle in a bag, and the drunk wanders off. An hour goes by, and he's back again, so drunk this time he can barely stand. Still, he scores a bulls-eye yet again! This time though there's a witness, so the proprietor hands the drunk the big stuffed toy. The drunk looks at it for a second then says: Screw this! Gimme another one of them crusty little meat pies!"

[admin]

In many Canadian provinces, the police check on vehicles stalled on the highway when the temperatures drop into the single digits, as a matter of policy. One morning, before dawn, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police Constable responded to a report involving a stalled car in southeastern Alberta. The constable located the car still running and stuck in deep snow along the highway. Pulling in behind, with his emergency lights on, the constable walked up to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat. He tapped on the window and the started driver awoke to flashing blue lights and a constable standing next to his car. In a panic, the driver threw the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. although the car's speedometer showed increasing speeds of 20, 30, 40 and 50 KPH, the car remained stuck in snow. The constable, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the "speeding" but stationary car. The bewildered and disoriented driver was convinced that the officer was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about a half-minute before the constable shouted for the man to pull over. The man obeyed an stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver exclaimed over the RCMNP's special abilities--amazed that a man could actually run 50 KPH. He was arrested still believing that a Royal Canadian Mounted Constable had outrun his car.

[admin]

A fellow with a hangover was working as a laborer on a construction crew one day when the foreman grabbed him and yelled, "How come you only carry four bricks and everybody else is carrying eight?" "I dunno," the sot replied. "I guess they're just too lazy to make two trips."

[admin]

Two drunks wandering through the grounds of the county fair and pausing to watch a group of men having a tug-of-war game. As the contestants strained and pulled on the rope, one drunk said, to the other, "Wouldn't it be easier if they just cut it?"

[admin]

A fellow came home at 5:00 AM, and his wife demanded to know where he had been. "Arrested," he said. "Arrested!" his wife exclaimed. "What for?" "I got arrested because I didn't want to wake you up when I got home. So I figured I'd take my clothes and shoes off before going upstairs." A glint of suspicion in her eyes, the wife asked, "Now just how can you get arrested for that?" "Well," he said, "when I got upstairs I was in an elevated railway station."

[admin]

A drunken lady called the fire department and screeched, "Come quick! My house is on fire!" To which the fireman reasonably responded, "How do we get there?" Upon which the lady queried rather crossly, "Whazza matter? Don't you have your little red truck any more?

[admin]

A drunken golfer arrived home eight hours late and said to his furious wife, "Look, honey, I'm lucky to be only eight hours late. On the way to Joe's house, I had a flat. The spare was flat, too, so I had to roll it three miles and back to get it fixed. Then, after I got Joe, we ran out of gas, and I had to walk two more miles to get some. Finally, after we got on the course, we had a long wait to start. "But that isn't all, either. After we shot a couple of holes, Joe had a heart attack. I ran to the clubhouse to get a doctor, but when we got back, Joe had died. And for the next sixteen holes, it was just hit the ball, drag Joe, hit the ball, drag Joe."

[admin]

A thoroughly pixilated patron, seated at a bar with a martini in his grasp, had been trying unsuccessfully for several minutes to spear the olive with a toothpick. His uncoordinated efforts merely kept the green olive sliding around the bottom of the glass. Finally, the fellow sitting next to him could stand it no longer. Taking a fresh toothpick, he reached over and impaled the olive with one deft thrust. "See?" he said. "It's easy." "Yah! Yah!" protested the other. "But don't forget--I already had it so tired out that it couldn't get away."

[admin]

An intoxicated and rather battered man was found lying alongside a highway and was taken to the police station in a squad car. When asked by the desk sergeant why he'd been reclining by the thoroughfare, the lush stated that he'd been run over by a great big dog. The policemen smirked, and winked at each other. "What kind of a dog was it?" the sergeant asked facetiously. "A Great Dane? Newfoundland? Wolfhound?" "I dunno," muttered the tipsy pedestrian. "All I can tell you is, it seemed to be running alongside a great big bus."

[admin]

A fellow who was going on a fake fishing trip with some drinking pals. As he left for work that morning, he asked his wife to pack a bag and to assemble his fishing gear, so he could leave for the lake as soon as his day's labor was over. And (since he and his friends planned other high jinks besides boozing) he requested that she pack his blue silk pajamas, telling her that he enjoyed lounging in them after a hard day of fishing. When this shady character returned from his jaunt, he regaled his spouse with fictitious accounts of the beautiful sunrises he'd seen and the big, fish he'd caught, but then reproached her for not packing his silk pajamas. "Oh, I did," she replied grimly. "I put them in your tackle box."

[admin]

A drunk was expecting some marital tension at home. Naturally, he went to the bar to find a solution. At the pub, he complained to another drunk. In the course of their conversation, his friends declared, "You know, I think God speaks to us through our spouses." The first drunk considered the statement, shook his head in amazement, and said, "Wow. I didn't know God used that kind of language."

[admin]

A fellow who was a steady patron of a bar asked the barkeep one day, "Where's that guy with the bright red hair who used to be in here all the time?" "I guess his wife cured him of staying out nights," he answered. "A while back, when he got home earlier than usual once, his wife called down from upstairs, 'Is that you, Ralph?' The guy's name is George, you see."

[admin]

A woman was picked up by the fuzz for being drunk on the public streets. When asked by the judge how she pleaded, she replied, "Innocent, by reason of insanity." Insanity?" queried the beak, dubiously. "Yeah," answered the lush, "I'm crazy about the stuff."

[admin]

Two lushes decided to go to a burlesque show. Not being able to focus too clearly, they arrived instead at a ballet theater. After several minutes of watching the performers twirling around on the tips of their toes, one of the fellows complained to his friend, "If they wanted tall girls, why the hell didn't they just hire tall girls?"

[admin]

A chronic boozer was walking along the ocean shore. Seeing an object sticking out of the sand, he dug out an ancient bottle. As he rubbed it to clean it, there was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "Well, first of all," said the drunk, "I'd like a great big yacht to travel in all over the sea." The genie nodded, and the ship appeared. "Next, change the water in the ocean to whiskey, so I'll never run out of booze." Again, the wish was granted. "Now, number three," pondered the drunk, "Tell you what--put a couple barrels of liquor aboard the boat, just in case."

[admin]

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.

"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today." :mrgreen:

[admin]

A fellow said he came to A.A. because of back problems-to get his wife off his back, to get his boss of his back, to get his creditors off his back, etc.

[admin]

On the night of the great San Francisco earthquake, a woman got completely smashed and passed out before the quake. When she had come to she blearily looked out her widow and saw the devastation. She moaned to herself, "Oh no, what did I do last night?

[admin]

5 Stages Of Drunkenness



Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are smart.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[admin]

A drunk was driving home after having a few drinks at his favorite bar and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner knew the fellow, so he decided to have some fun. He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. The fellow went to a bar on his way home and had a few drinks and went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into his tailpipe. Nothing happened. So he blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. A drinking buddy came home and said, "What are you doing? The drunk told him what the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. His drinking buddy who also had a few drinks on his way home rolled his eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

[admin]

An alcoholic made a bet with the bartender that he could name any drink set before him. The bartender mixed up a few. The alcoholic downed each, naming them without any difficulty. The bartender, hoping to win his money back, bet double or nothing he'd make one the fellow couldn't identify. Kneeling behind the bar, he poured a glass of straight tap water and handed it across. The alcoholic took a couple of sips, thought about it a moment, then confessed, "You've got me. I can't name it, but whatever it is, it's not going to sell!"

[admin]

A drunk had two horses and couldn't tell the two apart so he asked his sponsor to help him out.

"Sure", said his sponsor, "maybe you should nick the ears of one, and then you could tell them apart." So the drunk went to check up on his horses. However, he still could not tell them apart, because the other horse also had a nicked ear.

He went back to his sponsor and told him the other horse has a nicked ear too." "Do you have any other ideas as to how to them apart? They are both females." "Hmmmmm," said the sponsor, "cut one's tail shorter than the other". So the sponsore went and did that but the next day though, when he looked at them, both horses had the same length of tail.

As a last resort, the sponsor suggested that he should consider measuring the horses. Maybe one stands taller than the other one. The drunk did this and excitedly rushed to call his sponsor, "You were right!" he said, "the black horse is bigger than the white one"

[admin]

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses, she drinks right out of the bottle.

[admin]

A drunk was in a car which was traveling at a constant speed. On her left side is a valley and on her right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as her. In front of the drunken lady is a galloping pig which is the same size as her car and she cannot overtake it. Behind her is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as the lady. The lady was quite upset over this and had no idea what to do. She started to yell at her companion in the car asking what she should do. The other lady yelled at the top of voice to get off the children's merry-go-round.

[admin]

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in Heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up, except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "and he who would like to find a place in Hell, please STAND UP!" The weary man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

[admin]

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"

[admin]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, stumbling, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, A hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[admin]

A car sped off the highway, went through a guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree, and finally came to a stop. A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, help the miraculously unharmed driver out of he wreck. "Good grief, mister!" the cried, "are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What do you think I am? A stunt driver?"

[admin]

SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM IF:



You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the

bar.

Every person you see has an exact twin.

Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you.

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Every night you're beginning to find your cat more and more

attractive.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the

earth.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw

dinner!
At A.A, meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

You can't remember what your family looks like or if you

have a family.

You loose your car at least once a week.

You think alcohol abuse is spilling your drink.

On the way to the bathroom, someone's always stepping on

your hands.

You don't have any friends, just drinking buddies.

You quit calling in sick. You let your wife do it.

You pee in the kitchen sink while mixing another drink.

Selling beer cans seems like a weekly bonus.

You celebrate getting out of jail by getting drunk.

You decorate your Christmas tree with chains of beer tabs.

No visit to a friend's house is complete until you've puked

on their carpet.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

The toilet seat keeps hitting you in the back of the head.

You think the sun shining in your face is God's flashlight

telling you to get up and go home.

You throw-up on purpose so you can hold more.

It's normal to drive with one eye shut so not to see double.

You order a keg of beer for your kid's first birthday

party.

You measure distance by how many beers it takes to get there.

Your main prayer is "God, get me out of this and I'll never

drink again".

You think your only drinking problem is when you're out.

[admin]

On the night of the great San Francisco earthquake, a woman got completely smashed and passed out before the quake. When she had come to she blearily looked out her widow and saw the devastation. She moaned to herself, "Oh no, what did I do last night?

[admin]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, Let's go over to that bar for a drink. The lady with the Chihuahua said, We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. The one with the Doberman said, Just watch, and do as I do. They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, Sorry, lady, no pets allowed. The woman with the Doberman said, You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog. The bouncer said, A Doberman? The woman said, Yes, they're using them now. They're very good. The bouncer said, OK, come on in. The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, what the heck, so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, Sorry, lady, no pets allowed. The woman said, You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog. The bouncer said, A Chihuahua? The woman with the Chihuahua said, A Chihuahua? The bastards sold me a Chihuahua?

[admin]

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't

[admin]

A police officer was asking a fellow he pulled over for possible DUI. He asked the fellow if he had been drinking. The fellow replies, "Officer, I swear to you I only had two beers." The officer replied, "Just how big were they?"

[admin]

A minister is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The minister replies, "Just water." The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?" The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

[admin]

A fellow told his wife: "I am really looking forward to joining Alcoholics Anonymous." When asked why he replied 'Alcoholics' part means you drink, and the 'Anonymity' part meant that they won't tell the neighbors.

[admin]

A concerned friend asked his buddy what made him drink so much. The reply he received, "Nothing, I'm a volunteer."

[admin]

A drunk decided to go ice fishing. He has seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, he made for the ice. After positioning his stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice." Startled, the drunkard fellow went further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice." The drunk, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. He set up his stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There are no fish under the ice." He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.

[admin]

One evening, a alcoholic and his Al-Anon wife were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and the husband said to her: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out his beer.

[admin]

A boozer was walking along the street in the seamier part of town, when he met another pedestrian and promptly asked him, "Do you drink?" "Not a drop" was the answer. "Fine," said the lush. "Here--hold my bottle while I tie my shoelace."

[admin]

A police officer pulls over a man who's been weaving in and out of traffic lanes. He goes up to the driver's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer." The man says, "I'm sorry officer. I can't do that. I'm asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine," the officer answers. "Then come down to the station to give a blood sample." "Oh, not. I can't that either" the man answers. "You see, I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, we'll need a urine sample from you." "I'm so sorry, officer, I also can't do that. I am diabetic. "If I do that, I'll get really low sugar and the results will be off." "Fine, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "Oh, I can't do that officer." "And why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

[admin]

A drunk called 911 and told the operator he was having trouble breathing and that he was all out of breath and just about ready to pass out. The operator asked where he was calling from. The drunk told her was on a pay phone at the corner of North and Second. He was told an ambulance was on the way and was asked if he was asthmatic. The drunk said no to which the operator asked what were you doing before you started having trouble breathing. The reply was, "I was running from the police."

[admin]

A drunk was driving home after having a few drinks at his favorite bar and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner knew the fellow, so he decided to have some fun. He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. The fellow went to a bar on his way home and had a few drinks and went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into his tailpipe. Nothing happened. So he blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. A drinking buddy came home and said, "What are you doing? The drunk told him what the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. His drinking buddy who also had a few drinks on his way home rolled his eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

[admin]

A drunk was at a store and came across a silver thermos and was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos, it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the drunk, "That's amazing, I'll buy it!" He bought the thermos and took it to his favorite bar the next day. The bartender saw it on the bar. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he replied. The bartender inquired, "What do you have in it?" The drunk replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

[janbear]

:lol:

[admin]

A farmer asked a drunk if he wanted to work for him. `What are you paying?' the drunk asked. `I'll pay you what you're worth,' the farmer said. `No thanks,' the drunk said. `I'll be damned if I'll work for that little.'

[admin]

Two friends meet in the street: "Hi John, why are you in such a mess?" "I was in this great party yesterday night and drank so much they had to take me to the hospital." "Well, I've never had such a problem. Each time I get drunk I go home and make passionate love to my wife. After that, it's all clear in my head." "Really? I have to try that." "Ok, see ya." About two hours later: "John, you look much better now. Did you do what I told you?" "Oh yes, you were right my friend. I feel great. By the way, you've got a really nice house."

[admin]

There was this man in a bar, who ordered 5 glasses of rum. He drank them out quite quickly and then he ordered 4 glasses. After swallowing these, he wanted 3 more. He turned a little red and yelled: 'Now I want 2 glasses of rum.' The bartender delivered and gave his thirsty client a questioning look. When the 2 rums were gone where the others went, he ordered 1 last rum. Then he started laughing, tears ran down his reddish cheeks. The barman asked the merry man: 'What makes you laugh ?' 'I think this is great,' the reply was, 'the lesser I drink, the more drunk I get.'

[admin]

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. "Well," said a customer. "I never saw anything as peculiar as that." "What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

[admin]

My Wife sez I drink too much. In reality though it really only takes one drink to get me totally plastered. It's either the fifteenth one or the sixteenth one, I always forget which.

[admin]

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?" The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?" The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will." The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left. About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help." The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

[admin]

An inebriated lady got on the double-decker bus in England and sat in the bottom deck close to the driver. She started rambling on and on, so the driver suggested she sit upstairs. "The air is cleaner up there and you'll get a better view." The lady agreed, but returned a few minutes later. "What's wrong?" the driver asked. "Don't you like it better up there?" "It's fine," the drunk woman said. "But it's too dangerous: There's no driver!"

[admin]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right. I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here--you can't be blind. So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away. Half an hour later he returns to the bar. "I'm going to give you a chance to win your money back. I bet you one hundred dollars that I can pee in a glass fifteen feet away." The bartender knows that this is impossible, so she agrees to the bet and puts a glass exactly fifteen feet away. The man stands on the bar and pees everywhere but the glass. He happily pays a smiling bartender one hundred dollars. Bewildered, the bartender asks the man why he is so happy. He replies, "I bet that man over there one thousand dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy as hell."

[admin]

Chuck: "What in the world makes your tongue so black?" Chick: "I once dropped a bottle of whisky on a freshly tarred road."

[janbear]

:38:

[admin]

A drunk ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

[admin]

A drunk came into a bar and sat down. When the bartender came over and asked if he could help the fellow, the drunk replied, "I have a question for you, do I come here often?"

[admin]

Intoxication is a state in which the more liquid a man pours down his throat, the less chance there is of drowning his voice.

[bry]

Paddy staggered home very
> late after another
> > >> evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took
> off his shoes to
> > >> avoid waking his wife, Brigid.
> > >>
> > >> He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the
> stairs leading to their
> > >> Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom
> step. As he caught
> > >> himself by grabbing the banister, his body
> swung around and
> > >> he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle
> in each back pocket
> > >> broke and made the landing especially painful.
> > >>
> > >> Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled
> down his pants, and
> > >> looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt
> cheeks were cut and
> > >> bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full
> box of band-Aids and
> > >> began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on
> each place he saw
> > >> blood. He then hid the now almost empty
> Band-Aid box and shuffled
> > >> and stumbled his way to bed.
> > >>
> > >> In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain
> in both his head and
> > >> butt and Brigid staring at him from across the
> room.
> > >>
> > >> She ! said, "You were drunk again last night
> weren't you Paddy?"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean
> thing?"
> > >>
> > >> "Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open
> front door, it could be
> > >> the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
> it could be the drops
> > >> of blood trailing through the house, it could
> be your bloodshot
> > >> eyes, but mostly....... it's all those
> Band-Aids stuck on the hall
> > >> mirror."

[admin]

A drunk told a cop who was giving him a field sobriety test: "I absholutely refushe to walk that white line without a shafety net."

[admin]

A fellow told his wife, "I've cut my drinking in half, dear." She responded by asking how. He said, "I've eliminated the chaser.

[admin]

"Buy me a drink, won't you, old man?" the slipper asked. "But," said the A.A. friend, "I thought you were going to give up drinking." "Well," said the slipper, "I got to the first stage--I quit buying."

[admin]

I knew you'd had enough to drink," the bartender told the newly-arrived customer, "when I saw you walk in through that closed window."

[admin]

Whose Beer Is It Anyway?

So I said, "Hey man, that's my beer."

Then he says, "No man, that's my beer."

Then the beers say, "No man, we're our own beers."

That's when we realized we had too many beers.

[janbear]

Signs You've Got a Really Bad Hangover


1. You'd rather have a pencil poked in your eye than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!

[Doraine]

:lol:

[admin]

"He insulted me by offering me a drink." "What did you do?" "I swallowed the insult."

[admin]

Sign in a tavern window: Alcoholism is a disease. Stop here and get your shots.

[admin]

Buzz the Boozer had a hangover. Buzz didn't have just a small-size hangover; he was suffering from the grand pappy of all hangovers. "Mary," he croaked to his wife, "tippy-toe out and get me an aspirin tablet or two or three." She disappeared softly and returned with a small tin of aspirin. She handed him a pill which he swallowed, then he murmured, "Now for gosh sake, don't slam the lid!"

[admin]

Group Leader: "All those here who are alcoholic will raise their hands." One hundred hands shoot up. Group Leader: "Now those who do not feel they are alcoholic." One hand goes up. Group Leader: "How would you classify yourself, sir?" Voice: "I'm the janitor here."

[admin]

The hotel bar had scarcely opened for business at 9:30 A.M., when an excited and bleary-eyed individual rushed in and asked the bartender: "Say, did I come in here last night, hand you a hundred-dollar bill and then drink it all up?" "You sure did," the bartender told him. "Boy, that's a relief," said the customer. "I thought I had lost it."

[admin]

Our newest member was asked by his doctor how much he drank. "Not much," he confessed, "I spill most of it."

[admin]

A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun, but I never even wrote to thank her.

[admin]

Alcoholics have three kinds of memory loss; short-term, long-term and convenient.

[admin]

Just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, a out of state traveler, with way to much to drink, was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life, he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou, and he would surely drown. But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran all the way to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered three shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk.) About half an hour later two fellows walked into the bar and the first one said to the other, "Lookie there, ders dat **************** drunk that rode in our car when we waz pushin it in the rain."

[admin]

One drunk to another: "You're so drunk that I can't even remember your name."

[admin]

A drunk asked a splendidly uniformed man in front of a hotel to call a cab. "My good man," was the chilly reply, "I'm not a doorman, I'm an Admiral in the Navy." "Okay," said the drunk. "Call me a boat. I gotta get home some way."

[admin]

On doctors orders, the drunk cut down his alcohol intake 20%--he switched from 100 proof to 80 proof.

[admin]

Two friends, both alcoholics, who got drunk together one night and had blackouts. Each awoke the next morning to find he had black eyes, torn clothes, and assorted bruises. One phoned the other to see what had happened but found his friend equally mystified. So they went to the bar where they'd been drinking, to learn the score. As they entered, the bartender said, "Well, I'm sure glad to see you two made up after your fight last night."

[admin]

A alcoholic went to a police station and told an officer, "I've been hitting the bottle too hard, and I think I want to quit. Would you give me a lie detector test to see if I really do, or whether I'm just lying to myself again?"

[Doraine]

:lol: :29: :11: :38: :39:

[admin]

A research scientist made this statement, "I've made experiments about intoxication. First I drank whiskey and water, and got drunk. Then I drank gin and water, and got drunk. Then I drank brandy and water, and got drunk. My conclusion is that since no matter with what I mix water I get drunk, water is the most intoxicating beverage.

[admin]

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING! : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

[admin]

The bewildered wife of a drunken man was sitting up waiting for him one night when he came stumbling in and cried to her, "Oh, honey, I'm sick, I'm dying, please do something for me, please pray for me." The bewildered wife knelt by the side of the bed and began to pray, "Oh Lord, please help my poor drunken husband." The husband jumped out of bed and shouted, "For heaven's sake, woman, don't tell Him I'm drunk."

[admin]

A youngster was watching his dad repair the garage door. "Son," said the father, "Please go to the house and get me a screwdriver." After about fifteen minutes, the boy called out, "Hey, Dad, I found the vodka, but where's the orange juice?"

[admin]

The judge fined Harry $500 for driving under the influence. Harry paid his fine and was duly presented with a receipt. He stared at it for a moment and asked, "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Keep it," the clerk replied, "when you get four, you get a bicycle."

[admin]

A tippler at a party looked at his wife and said, "You'd better stop drinking, your face is getting blurred."

[admin]

A drunk fell off the tall building and bounced from awning to awning to finally sprawl in the gutter. A crowd gathered. Someone helped the poor sot up and asked, "What happened?" The drunk looked around and mumbled, "I don't know, I just got here."

[admin]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have ssexx.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[admin]

The police jailed a fellow for being drunk. They found him asleep in a clothes dryer. He tried to explain why he was in it by telling them he was an astronaut in his capsule.

[admin]

When a husband rolled in plastered for the third night in a row, his wife dragged him over to the window and pointed out, across the city. In the distance they could see the lights of a big distillery. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it!" "Yeah," he replied, "but I got 'em workin' nights!"

[admin]

A drunk called a locksmith and pleaded, "You gotta come right away. I locked myself out of my car with the keys inside." The locksmith said he'd be there as soon as possible. A few minutes later the phone rang again. It was the lush again. "Please hurry," he begged. "It's raining real hard now, too. And besides, I left my top down!"

[admin]

One Way Trip

A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle,
and sat next to an elderly woman who was clutching a Bible.

The woman, who happened to be on her way home from church, looked
the wayward drunk up and down and said, "I've got news for
you, Mister. You're going straight to he!!!"

The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted with obvious pain in
his voice, "OH, Man, I'm on the wrong bus AGAIN!"

[admin]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" the father asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

[admin]

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

[admin]

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

[admin]

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"No, it isn't," giggled the driver. "I'm the designated decoy!"

[admin]

George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said George, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[admin]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

[admin]

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

[admin]

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

[admin]

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer". The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, " That will be $2.50 please!"
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!
The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please!".
The guy says" Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says" Bbbartender tthanks for nnott mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!"
The bartender said, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh...I ttthougt it wwas yyour A$$!

[admin]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

[admin]

Hangover Ratings Guide

One-Star Hangover: No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.
Two-Star Hangover: No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.
Thee-Star Hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. You have the attention span of a gnat. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four-Star Hangover: Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:
1. The clock to strike 6pm
2. The entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
Five-Star Hangover (a/k/a Dante's 4th Circle of Hell): You have a second heartbeat in your head (exacerbated by 6 bouts of the dry heaves) which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is gripe about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie Treats.

[admin]

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[admin]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"

[admin]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[admin]

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-- George Carlin

[admin]

A tipsy driver was going the wrong way on a one-way street was stopped by the police. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the cop. The driver answered, "I don't know--but I must be late, because they're all coming back."

[admin]

Harry was having trouble getting up in the morning, so his doctor prescribed a drink before bed time. Harry took one and a few more and slept well and was awake before the alarm clock buzzed. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

[admin]

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but she would be uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

[janbear]

:lol: thanks i needed a laugh, Tammy :lol:

Years back my mom went to the next town over to buy beer to wash her hair in, but she didnt buy any preztels. :mrgreen:

[admin]

"The usual, Joe," said the commuter. "Don't want to miss my train." The bartender set up five Martinis in a row, and the customer drank three, leaving the other two untouched, and whipped off to the 5:39. Another man at the bar asked Joe what it was all about. "Oh, he does that all the time," said the bartender. "Says the first one always tastes terrible and the last one invariably gets him into trouble at home."

[admin]

Drinking a big shot makes the average guy think he's one.

[admin]

So home is the best place after all?" snarled the alky's wife at 3 A.M. Alky: "I don't know about that--but it's the only place that's open."

[admin]

Robin Hood and his merry men were in
Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became
inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with
each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the
band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into
the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

[admin]

Do you realize," said a man in a cafeteria to a drunk across the table, "that you are reading your newspaper upside down?" "Of course I realize it," snapped the drunk. "Do you think it's easy to read it that way."

[admin]

A drunk was driving against traffic on a one-way street when the law intervened. "Listen, Mac," said the cop, "can't you see the arrows on this street?" "Hell no, man," the drunk replied cheerfully, "I can't even see the Indians!"

[admin]

A badly hung over husband sat at the breakfast table, his eyes half shut and his tongue feeling as though he had been licking a dusty rug. Moodily toying with his food, he complained, "These eggs taste funny." "Of course your eggs taste funny," snapped his spouse. "They're pancakes."

[admin]

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, "Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!"

[admin]

A drunk was reading a newspaper in the subway, holding it with both hands, when he felt a clumsy pickpocket reaching in his pocket. The drunk went on the wagon, figuring he must have the DTs if he thought he had three hands.

[admin]

A intoxicated fellow standing at the ocean's edge, shoveling like mad and cursing under his breath as the water kept filling up the indentation in the sand caused by his shovel. Another fellow full of booze stumbled onto the scene, studied the shoveling operation at some length, and then asked, "What are you doing?" The other stopped and mopped his brow. "Digging a grave for my buddy. He wanted to be buried at sea."

[admin]

After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, and to many for himself, Joe took the woman home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap. One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe spent the night. In the morning Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[admin]

Touring the United States, a couple decides to stop at the local pub for a nightcap before turning in. They sit next to an obnoxious drunk chatting with his friend. Every other word out of the drunk's mouth is obscene. Embarrassed, the wife asks her husband to have a word with the drunk. So he taps the drunk on the shoulder and says, "My good fellow, will you please refrain from using obscenities before my wife!" Well, excuse me! I didn't know it was her turn."

[admin]

A police officer pulled over a swerving, weaving car. He got out of his patrol car and approached the driver's side. He motioned to the driver to roll down the window and asked, "Do you have ID?" "About what?" the baffled drunk replied.

[admin]

A patient was so terrified at the prospect of having a tooth pulled that the dentist offered him a shot of whiskey. "Do you feel any braver now?" asked the dentist a few minutes later. "Do I feel any braver?" snarled the patient, "Brother, I'd like to see anybody mess around with my teeth now!"

[admin]

As the policeman helped the bruised and battered bibber up from the pavement in front of the bar, he asked: "Can you describe the man who hit you?" "Sure," said the drunk. "That's just what I had finished doing when he hit me."

[admin]

Psychiatrist: "Have you ever wondered what makes you drink the way you do?" Lush: "Nobody makes me--I'm a volunteer."

[admin]

A drunk who told a friend of his that he'd had words with his wife the previous week, and she had moved out. "Listen," said the friend eagerly, "do you remember just exactly what those words were?"

[admin]

An A.A. bumped into an old drinking buddy on the street recently and said, "Neil, I haven't had a drink in over seven years." To which he replied, "Boy, you must be thirsty."

[flickchic]

:lol: :lol: :1:

[admin]

THE ACCIDENT

The deacon of the church was in a hurry - jumped in his car

and went tearing down the road ---- Lost control of the car,

went down a steep ditch and rolled. The deacon squeezed

out of the car and about that time a drunk came along.... "you

alright?" He yelled down to the deacon.... "yeah," said the

deacon," the angel of the Lord was with me!" - "Well," said

the drunk, "you better let him ride with me. You gonna kill

him!"

[admin]

A policeman caught a burglar coming out of a residence one night loaded with stolen property. The next morning, the owner of the house (who often got home at night too late and too full of liquor) called the police station and asked to see the criminal. "Why do you want to talk with him?" asked the desk sergeant. "We've got all the evidence we need for conviction." "That's not it," the man replied. "I just want to find out how he got into the house without waking up my wife."

[admin]

A brain surgeon had discovered a way to transplant the brain in it's entirety. An older fellow went to him and said, doctor, my brain's not working right anymore. I can't remember nothing. I can't do anything. He said, is there any way you can help me? The doctor said, well yes, you may be a good candidate for a brain transplant. We'll run some physical tests and see. Sure enough he did and everything turned out okay. So he told the old fellow, he said, yes, we could transplant a brain in you and it would be fine. The old man said, well, what have you got to offer? The doctor said come up in the display room and we'll look in the case and I'll show you what we got in stock. They went up in this room, and he said, now, in this case over here we have the brains of a lawyer. I could transplant this brain in your head and everything would be fine and it would cost you $20,000. The old man said, well, have you got anything else? He said, yes, in this case over here I've got the brains of a doctor. I could transplant this in your head, everything would be great, and it would cost you $50,000. The old man said, well, what else have you got. He said, in this case over here I've got the brains of an alcoholic He said, I could transplant this in your head, and everything would be fine. It would cost you $100,000. The old man said, I don't understand. How come $20,000 for the lawyer, $50,000 for the doctor, and $100,000 for the alcoholic's brain. And the doctor said, why, hell man, it's brand new. It ain't never been used yet.

[admin]

After a victory by the home team, some fans who lived in the same suburb went to a local tavern to celebrate. A few hours later, thoroughly sozzled, they appeared at the front door of a residence in their locale. When a woman answered the doorbell, she was asked, "Are you Mrs. Harry Smith?" "Yes, I am," she replied. "Well," said the spokesman for the group, "would you please pick out your husband?"

[admin]

Two lushes were sitting on a bridge over a river. In a gambling mood, one of them bet five dollars that he would catch the first fish. Not long afterward, the one who'd been challenged lost his balance and fell into the stream. When he came gasping to the surface, the first lush shouted down to him, "Listen, the bet is off if you're going to start diving for them!"

[admin]

There was quite a bit going on at an office party given by a large construction firm. On the next working day, one of the employees was summoned to see the head of the company. In icy tones, the president said, "I've heard that after the party the other day, you pushed a wheelbarrow down the middle of the main business street. What do you have to say for yourself?" "Well, sir," answered the nervous employee, "I thought it would be okay, seeing you were sitting in it."

[admin]

A chap had been doing a lot drinking lately so he went to his family physician one day and admitted, "Doctor, I have a problem concerning drinking." "George, I'm glad you're here," said the doctor. "I've been hoping for a long time that you'd come. Now tell me about your problem." "Well," replied the lush, "I've got the shakes and I'm broke. Could you let me have ten dollars?"

[admin]

A question that is much debated is: Does excessive drinking make you fat? No, it makes you lean--on bars, lampposts, sides of buildings, or whatever is handy.

[admin]

A drunk in the early stages of the d.t.'s kept calling the telephone company one day, complaining about some little green men who were invading his home by walking along the electrical wires leading to his house. After half a dozen such calls, the exasperated manager of the service department said, "Sir, I'd like more information about those little green men. Do they wear helmets and red boots?" "Yes, they do," replied the lush eagerly. "Another thing," continued the manager. "Do they carry space guns?" Again there was excited agreement. "Well," said the manager, "those people don't work for us. They work for the electric power company. Why don't you call them and tell them all about it?"

[admin]

A United States customs officer was checking through a passenger's luggage. "I thought you said there was nothing but sleeping wear in this bag," he stated. "What about this bottle of bonded foreign whiskey?" Replied the passenger, "that's my nightcap."

[admin]

A young man and his girl, both with a few belts in them, went for a drive after the bar closed They stopped at a local lovers lane and after a short time, he started to drive her home. As he drove down the main street in the city, she asked him what those couples were doing in their cars - he said having fun - she said why don't we have some fun. He thought opportunity knocks once, take it. So he said we will get under the car. They were enjoying themselves when a policeman tapped him on his shoulder and said "What do you think you are doing, fellow?" The young man said "Oh, I 'm fixing my car". The policeman said I do not think so. I'll give you three good reasons why you are not. 1. Your toes are turned up the wrong way. 2. You have 50 people watching you. 3. Your car has been stolen.

[flickchic]

1. Your toes are turned up the wrong way. :eek: 2. You have 50 people watching you. 3. Your car has been stolen. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

((((((((Tammy))))))), this is a beauty!!!!!:mrgreen:

[admin]

The Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2:00 in the morning?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

[admin]

A fellow had wandered from bar to bar, eventually ending up in a strange neighborhood, from which he phoned his wife to drive down and get him. "Where are you now, you bum?" she asked. "Go look at the street signs." In a while, he was back. "I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk," he mumbled.

[admin]

One drunk to another: "You're so drunk that I can't even remember your name."

[admin]

Two ladies left a watering hole with a bit to much to drink They got on the freeway and were speeding down the highway. Joan, the driver knows that she's speeding and driving drunk so she asks her friend to look out for any cops behind them. Her friend looks behind her and sees a cop and tells Joan. Joan asks if his lights are on. Her friend replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

[admin]

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding and weaving car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the boozed up lady behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the drunken woman yelled back, " A scarf!"

[admin]

A man enters into a bar, and the bar maid comes over to him and asks, "What do you want to drink sir?" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking."

[admin]

After a heavy night of drinking, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his room. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

[admin]

An alcoholic who was lying in a gutter, nearly passed out. Finally, he
opened his eyes and saw another inebriate, on rubbery legs, clinging to a
nearby lamppost. "If I ever get that bad," he told himself, "I'll quit."

[admin]

Two guzzlers in a bar were talking. One of them said to the other, "I
discovered a remarkable thing the other day. I was reading the obituary
column in the newspaper, and it's amazing how many people die in
alphabetical order!"

[admin]

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty, an optimist sees the glass as half
full, an economist sees the glass as too large, an alcoholic sees the glass
as pointless.

[admin]

A driver in front of a police cruiser began weaving in and out of his lane. The officer quickly hit the sirens and pulled him over. As he approached the drivers window, he was hit with the stench of alcohol. "Sir," he said, "can you tell me when you started drinking and how much you've had?" "Well, Officer, I can't tell you how much I've had," he slurred. "But I started drinking in 1967."

[admin]

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." (Ernest Hemingway)

[admin]

A soldier with a drinking problem who was ordered to report to his captain. "There's no need for you to booze the way you do," lectured the officer. "Stay sober and perhaps you'll become a corporal. In time, you might even get your sergeant's stripes. What do you think of that?" "Captain," answered the buck private, "the truth is that with a few drinks under my belt, I feel like a colonel."

[admin]

An alcoholic man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his Al-Anon wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment." The wife replies, "Your eyesight's **** near perfect."

[admin]

Two guys who were juicing up in a tavern one day and chatting about this and that. "You should pull your shades down at night," remarked one of them. "I could see you necking with your wife last evening." "The joke's on you," answered the other. "I wasn't home last night."

[admin]

A drunk who was staggering along the street in Las Vegas, putting a nickel
in every parking meter. When a policeman asked her what she was up to, she
replied, "Man, you can't beat this outdoor gambling!"

[admin]

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car , opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my butt on to jail, there's no way I can pass that test.

[admin]

I bet you $1,000

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender.

The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins.

The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 apiece that I could come in here, spray beer all over the bar, and have you smile about it."

[admin]

After a hard night at the local pub, a man was shaken awake by his wife at 4:00 AM. "John," she whispered, "I just heard a mouse squeak!" "Waddya want me to do?" he muttered, "Get up and oil it?"

[admin]

The mother of a bride-to-be didn't invite a certain relative to the outdoor wedding reception because she was a alcoholic and always drank too much and became a nuisance. At the last moment, however, she relented and phoned her, asking her to come. "You're too late," she replied, "I've already prayed for rain."

[admin]

The town drunk went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy so I drink before I go to bed." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears and you needing a nightcap." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," the drunk said. Six months later the doctor met the drunk on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

[admin]

A alcoholic went to a police station and told an officer, "I've been hitting the bottle too hard, and I think I want to quit. Would you give me a lie detector test to see if I really do, or whether I'm just lying to myself again?"

[admin]

A seaman, returning to his ship very drunk one night, fell off the gangplank and landed in the bay between the ship and the dock. The officer on watch yelled loudly, "Man overboard!" The sailor, treading water below, yelled back, "Tell me where he is and I'll rescue him."

[admin]

A lush, hard up for a drink, sneaked into a house where a wake was being held. As he was tossing down the free booze and mourning the unknown deceased, he overheard two family members arguing about whether the departed should be cremated or buried. The lush approached them and drunkenly suggested, "Why don't you have him stuffed and keep this party going?"

[admin]

A well-educated but very alcoholic gent invited some friends out to dinner one evening. With drunken self-assurance, he studied the menu and ordered for the whole group, in fluent French. Everyone burst out laughing. It was a Chinese restaurant.

[admin]

Two drunks staggered aboard a bus, and the first one tried to pay his fare to a uniformed man. "Sorry," said the latter, "but you've made a mistake. I'm a Navy captain." "Let's get off this thing," said the lush's companion. "We're aboard a battleship!"

[admin]

Two friends, both alcoholics, who got drunk together one night and had blackouts. Each awoke the next morning to find he had black eyes, torn clothes, and assorted bruises. One phoned the other to see what had happened but found his friend equally mystified. So they went to the bar where they'd been drinking, to learn the score. As they entered, the bartender said, "Well, I'm sure glad to see you two made up after your fight last night."

[admin]

A fellow goes into a bar at noon and orders two drinks in separate glasses, downs them in alternating gulps, and departs. After several days of this, the bartender asks, "What goes on?" The man explains: "My best buddy and I always had a drink together at noon, but he's been transferred to Los Angeles, so we made a vow to still drink together--me here, him there." A few days later, the fellow comes in and orders only one drink. After he downs it, the bartender asks, "What happened?" "Oh, I'm on the wagon," the man explains.

[admin]

An alcoholic made a bet with the bartender that he could name any drink set before him. The bartender mixed up a few. The alcoholic downed each, naming them without any difficulty. The bartender, hoping to win his money back, bet double or nothing he'd make one the fellow couldn't identify. Kneeling behind the bar, he poured a glass of straight tap water and handed it across. The alcoholic took a couple of sips, thought about it a moment, then confessed, "You've got me. I can't name it, but whatever it is, it's not going to sell!"

[admin]

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[admin]

An armored money truck got caught in a funeral procession and had to travel along with it for several blocks. A well-oiled pedestrian observed it with amazement. "Waddaya know!" he exclaimed. "You can take it with you."

[admin]

Two well-lubricated gents in a bar who were telling each other their troubles. Finally, one complained, "My wife doesn't appreciate me. Does yours?" "I wouldn't know," said the other. "I've never heard her mention your name."

[admin]

A newcomer to A.A. stated at a meeting how he became an alcoholic. "Well," he replied, "I don't know how you folks got to be alcoholics, but I know how I did. My wife's father was an alky, and so was her brother. Her first husband was a drunk, and now I'm an alcoholic. I'm convinced she's a carrier, like Typhoid Mary."

[admin]

A daily customer at the corner bar, finally died. One of the other patrons went to the wake and remarked to the widow, "I've never seen Mike look so well." "Why wouldn't he?" she replied acidly. "He hasn't had a drink in three days."

[admin]

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time. When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday." "There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

[admin]

An old man who fainted while walking down the street. "Call a doctor," said one bystander. "Give him a drink of whiskey," said one little old lady. "Give him some air," suggested another. "Give him a drink of whiskey," repeated the old lady. Finally, the old man sat up and shouted, "Will you all shut up and listen to the old lady?!"

[admin]

It was a really, really hot day and a drunk decided to get a soft drink. He went to the vending machine and when he put his money in, a can of soda came out so he kept putting money in. It was such a hot day a line began forming behind him. Finally, a guy in line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty." And the drunk said, "No way, I'm still winning."

[admin]

The town drunk went to the doctor and was told by the doctor, "I can't find the cause of your illness, but I think it may be due to drinking." "In that case," replied the drunk, "I shall come back when you are sober.

[admin]

A drunk had two horses and couldn't tell the two apart so he asked his sponsor to help him out. "Sure", said his sponsor, "maybe you should nick the ears of one, and then you could tell them apart." So the drunk went to check up on his horses. However, he still could not tell them apart, because the other horse also had a nicked ear. He went back to his sponsor and told him the other horse has a nicked ear too." "Do you have any other ideas as to how to them apart? They are both females." "Hmmmmm," said the sponsor, "cut one's tail shorter than the other". So the sponsoree went and did that but the next day though, when he looked at them, both horses had the same length of tail. As a last resort, the sponsor suggested that he should consider measuring the horses. Maybe one stands taller than the other one. The drunk did this and excitedly rushed to call his sponsor, "You were right!" he said, "the black horse is bigger than the white one"

[admin]

Three drunks are struck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. He picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three drunk fellows and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each on of you one wish." Well, the first one is tired of being on the island so he wished to go back home. Poof! He disappears. The second one said he too, is tired of the island and wishes to go home, Poof! He also disappears. The genie then turns to the last drunk and asks him what his wish is. "Gee", he says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself, I wish my drinking buddies were still here

[admin]

The night desk sergeant received an off report on the telephone. "Thieves got into my car!" said the obviously lubricated voice. "They took the steering wheel and the pedals, and the whole dash board's gone!" The sergeant said he's send an officer to investigate, but a few moments later the phone rang again. "Never mind," the same voice gurgled. "I got into the back seat by mistake."

[admin]

Stopped for speeding, the driver was asked by the state troopers to explain the array of knives, mallets, and bowling pins they found in his car. "I'm a juggler in the circus," the man claimed, and to prove it he jumped from his car and began juggling an armful of props right there on the road. Driving by, an impressionable inebriate saw this and thought, "Boy, the tests they're giving now!" and vowed to quit drinking forever.

[admin]

Their favorite after hours joint finally reopened after two weeks of remodeling, and these two old drinking buddies, after an evening of heavy hitting, fell into their regular booth. One change was a wall completely covered with mirrors, into which our guys gazed with some surprise. "Hey, look," said Joe, "there's a couple guys that look just like us." Bo said, "Yeah, let's go over." They stood, but then Joe said, "Aw, never mind--they're coming over here."

[admin]

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You! No way! You get too violent when you drink."

[admin]

A drunk walks into a travel agency, goes up to the desk, and says, "I'd like a round trip ticket, please." "Where to?" the agent asks. The drunk explains: "Why, back here, naturally."

[admin]

Two female inebriate ladies were walking down the street when they found a make-up compact. The first lady opens it and looks in the mirror and says, "That face is familiar, but I can't put a name to it." The second drunk lady grabs the mirror, looks into it, then looks at her friend and says, "Duh, silly, it's me."

[admin]

A drunk decides to try horseback riding for the first time. He mounts the horse unassisted and it springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady pace, but the drunk begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She throws her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side, while it gallops on. The drunk tries to leap from the horse to safety. But her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now in all sorts of trouble, with her hand repeatedly banging against the ground as the horse continues its gallop. The drunk starts to lose consciousness. But luckily, just in the nick of time to save her life the bartender sees her predicament, rushes over, and unplugs the horse.

[admin]

A group of loud and rowdy drunks was making a racket in the street. It was in the wee small hours of the morning, and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet. "Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked. "Yes, it is," the woman replied. "Well then," said the drunk, "could you come and pick him out, so the rest of us can go home?"

[admin]

A drunk asked a police officer, "Where am I?" "You're on the corner of Broadway and 42nd," replied the man in blue. "Cut out the details," the inebriate said, "what town am I in?"

[free2bunme]

:mrgreen:

[Bruce T.]

A drunk asked a police officer, "Where am I?" "You're on the corner of Broadway and 42nd," replied the man in blue. "Cut out the details," the inebriate said, "what town am I in?"

I remember several times coming to in a cheap motel room and having to look at the 'phone directory to find out where I was.

"I'm allergic to alcohol. Evertime I drink, I wake up in spots. Different spots - Amarillo, Abilene, Comanche, cow pastures, ...":lol:

No exaggertion, just fact,

-b

[admin]

A drunk at a bar ordered one drink after another. After downing each one, he took out his notebook and wrote in it. After a while, the curious bartender asked what he was so busy scribbling. The fellow explained his doctor had given him a two-drink-a-day limit and told him to keep track of them. The bartender couldn't believe it, pointing out that he'd served the fellow at least fifteen drinks. "Oh, I know," replied the drunk, taking out his notebook. "I'm already into next year."

[admin]

A neighbor said to Sean's wife, "I hear Sean was arrested for being drunk and disorderly and was allowed one phone call." "Yes," said Sean's wife. "He called the liquor store."

[admin]

Paddy left the bar and was driving down Main Street weaving from side to side when the police pulled him over. "Paddy, you're drunk!" charged the officer. "Thanks be to God," replied Paddy. "I feared it were the steering."

[admin]

"How on earth did you come to be so completely intoxicated?" asked the judge. "Well, I got into bad company, Your Honor," replied the drunk. "You see, there were four of us. I had a bottle of whiskey--and, well, the other three just wouldn't touch the stuff.

[admin]

There was fellow in the jail hospital who told some A.A. visitors: "I'm not an alcoholic--I just can't quit drinking."

[admin]

The inebriated gentleman was weaving gently as he progressed along the street. Under his arm he carried a box perforated on top and along the sides. An acquaintance wanted to know what was in it. "Shhhh!" shushed the drunk. "It's a mongoose!" "A mongoose? What on earth for?" "Well," answered the drunk. "I'm not very drunk yet, but I'm gonna be! And after that I always see snakes. And snakes scare the hell out of me. So I keep the mongoose to protect me. Mongooses--or is it mongeese--kill snakes, boom--just like that!" "Yes, I know. But those snakes are only imaginary!" "That's all right." replied the drunk reassuringly. "This is an imaginary mongoose too!"

[admin]

A police cruiser was summoned to stop a station wagon seen driving down the street with a body tied to the roof. The cop approached the driver very carefully. "He's not dead, he's drunk," the driver explained quickly. "I just got this car. It's brand new, and I don't want him puking all over the upholstery. If he lets go up there, all I have to do is run it through a car wash. So he's riding up there." The policeman raised the trussed man's head. "Are you all right?" he asked. "I'm fine," the man replied. The station wagon was permitted to proceed.

[admin]

Fast Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[admin]

Two drunks in a cocktail lounge talking. Asked the first drunk, "What do you think of the A.A. outfit?" The second one replied: "Oh, I don't know--seems like a bunch of phonies. As a matter of fact, I don't think they have anything to offer me." To which the first one answered, "Huh, I couldn't stay dry either."

[admin]

To protect his patrons a bar owner posted this sign: 'Patrons, please do not stand while the bar is in motion'.

[admin]

Plenty of time for jus' one more drink, pal, an' I'm buying thissun,"
insisted drunk no. 1 pointing at the clock on the railroad station. "Okay,
one more before the train goes," agreed drunk no. 2, setting down a suitcase
for the 12th time. "Here's lookin' atcha." Ten minutes and three drinks
later, the final call of "A-l-l-a-b-o-a-r-d," sounded from the station gate.
The two drunks galvanized into action. Grabbing change, hats, newspapers and
suitcase they sprinted in a dizzy and spectacular broken-field run through
the gate. Down the platform they charged, drunk no. 1 leading by a lurch.
Suddenly the train began to move. drunk no. 1 tripped and fell. Drunk no. 2,
nimble as a goat, skipped over his fallen comrade, and using the body as a
platform for his spring, caught the moving train and swung aboard.
Breathless, the station attendant arrived in time to help the fallen drunk
to his feet. "Wonderful running! I never thought you'd make it in time to
get your friend on that train." Stew no. 1 thoughtfully scratched his head.
"Yessir! Now I'm wunnerin' if m'pal knows where he's goin' when he gets
there. He onny came down to see me off."

[admin]

A drunk thought he was getting one drink free every time he bought one when all the time he was only seeing double.

[admin]

The inebriate tipped his hat and apologized after bumping into a light pole, proceeded and collided with a fire hydrant, and muttered "Sorry, sonny," walked on and bumped into another light pole and again begged pardon. Sighing deeply, he then sat down on the curb, and said, "Guess I better wait till the crowd thins out."

[admin]

Hardened drinkers at a downtown saloon blanched the other day when a young woman said, "I want a bull moose." The bartender produced a pint of milk, poured a glass two-thirds full and added a jigger of bourbon. When she downed it and departed, one of them gasped, "What's the idea?" "Oh," explained the bartender, "she's got an ulcer and has to take care of it."

[admin]

A drunk reeling up the street said to a passer by, "Shay, can you direct me to the Alcoholics Shanonymous?" "What's the matter?" asked a helpful one. "Do you want to join?" "No." said the drunk. "I want to resign."

[admin]

A fellow was on a binge but was trying to taper off. He thought of wine. Ah, that's the stuff! It's not as strong as whiskey. Why, he said profoundly to himself, sherry, for instance, is only 20 percent in alcoholic content. Then he thought a bit more. Only 20 percent? Mmm. And so he got two instead of one bottle of sherry!

[admin]

"The best thing for you to do," a physician advised his patient, "is to go on a diet and give up drinking and smoking." "I don't think I deserve the best," the patient replied glumly. "What's second best?"

[admin]

An habitual drunk gets hauled up once again before the bench. The presiding judge bemoans, "Look at you--a man of good education, yet here you are broke, in jail, cut off from friends and family, jobless and hopeless of ever finding or holding one. It's alcohol that's responsible for your situation!" To which the drunk grins, "Thank you for saying so, your honor. Everybody else thinks it's my fault!"

[admin]

A drunk was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk." The drunk asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I' sure," said the officer. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the drunk said: "That's a relief, I thought I was a cripple."

[admin]

A minister was admonishing a half-bagged parishioner about drinking: "Don't you know that liquor is your worst enemy?" But Reverend," replied the boozer, "don't you always say we should love our enemies?"

[admin]

The trouble with martinis for a married man is that after drinking three of them, he starts to see double and feel single.

[admin]

A drunk stood before a court judge. The judge said: "You were arrested for being drunk an setting a hotel bed on fire. What have you got to say for yourself?" "It's **** lie judge," yelled the prisoner, "The bed was on fire when I got into it."

[admin]

A lush was asleep at the wheel of his car at a nonfunctioning stoplight. When a cop told him that the signal had been out of order for three days, the crafty drunk replied, "That long, huh? No wonder I fell asleep waiting for it to turn green."

[admin]

Two strangers on adjoining bar stools became friendlier and more plastered as drink followed drink. Finally, one bragged that he could go up to the roof and fly a circle around it. Unbelievably, he did so. Not to be out done, is bar buddy leaped off the roof, flapped his arms wildly, but ended up on the sidewalk below, with assorted fractures. After the ambulance had driven away, the bartender, who knew the first fellow, said, "You're about the meanest drunk I've ever seen, Superman!"

[admin]

A drunk was applying for renewal of his driver's license, puzzled One of the test questions read, "Have you ever been arrested for drunk driving?" He replied in the negative. Just below that, there was another question: "Why?" He thought over it for a moment and then wrote, "Never been caught."

[admin]

Two traveling salesmen were choking down beer in a taken in a town they were visiting. "This brew is absolutely awful!" remarked one of them. "You've right," answered the other, who had a drinking problem. "I'll sure be glad when I've had enough."

[admin]

Brenda is home as usual, making dinner, then Tim her husband's best friend and co-worker at the Guiness brewery, knocks on her door. "Brenda, may I come in" he asks. "I've something to tell ya." "Of course you can Tim, you're always welcome here." But where's John my hubbie?" "That's what I'm here to tell you about Brenda. There was an accident at the brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Where's John, was he hurt?" she screams out. Tim reaches out for her and tells her John is dead. After a few moments she asks what happened. Tim tells her that John fell into a vat and then she asked if he went quickly or did he suffer. Tim replies, "John, did not suffer at all. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[admin]

The alcoholic was walking along the beach when he saw a bottle. He stopped
and rubbed it and a genie popped up. "You have 3 wishes," said the genie.
The alcoholic said, "I'll take a bottle of Jim Beam that is never empty."
Whamo he has a bottle that is never empty and starts to drink. The genie
taps him on the shoulder and says, "and what are your other 2 wished?" "Oh,"
say the alcoholic, "I'll have 2 more like this one."

[admin]

An alcoholic judge gets tired of his caseload and decides to take the afternoon off. After a few drinks, he gets on the train headed for home. While on the train, he notices that the train starts spinning and promptly throws up all over himself. Upon arriving at his home, his worried wife exclaims, "Thank God you're alright. What happened to you?" The quick thinking judge explains that some drunk in court threw up all over him. She says, "Well O.K., why don't you hop in the shower and get cleaned up." While in the shower, the wife asks the judge, "You know that drunk who threw up on you, well, what did you do to him?" The Judge responds, "Uh, I umm, gave him 30 days." Wife: "You should've given him 60 because he peed in your pants too!"

[admin]

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Hubby: It's not my fault, I ran out of money.

[admin]

A drunk walks into a bar and sits down next to a proper looking gentleman. After a moment, the gentleman notices an awful stench coming form the man next to him. "Excuse me sir," says the gentleman, "did you just soil yourself?" "Why yes I did," says the drunk. "Then pray sir, why don't you go clean yourself up?" the gentleman asks in amazement. To this the drunk replies, "Cause I'm not done yet!"

[admin]

A rich man has a big pool party at his house once a year where he try's to give away 1 million dollars. The only catch is that you have to jump into this pool that's filled with live alligators and crocodiles and come out alive. Well up to this point he never gave away any money. It came time for the party and everyone is standing around the pool and the rich man makes the announcement that if anyone gets into the pool and swims to the other side without getting eaten by the alligators and crocodiles will win 1 million dollars. All of a sudden there's a splash and an obviously drunk man had fallen into the pool. He just starts fighting those alligators and crocodiles. Water is splashing everywhere. Those crocks and alligators are flying everywhere. The drunk man (unknowingly) gets to the other end of the pool and gets out. The rich man says, "Hey, you win a million dollars." The drunk says, "I don't want it." The rich man then says, "Well I'll buy you any house you want, I'll even build it for you." The drunk says, "I don't want it." The rich man says, "I'll give you whatever you want. What do you want?" The drunk man says, "I want the Person who threw me into the pool!'

[admin]

A drunk walked into his regular bar one night with two burned ears. His alarmed buddy asks, "What happened to your ears?" "Well," sighs the tippler, "I get home last night and the wife is ironing. The phone rings and I answer the iron by mistake." "That's one ear, how's you get the other?" "Wouldn't you know," the lush hollers, "the minute I hang up they call back!"

[admin]

A plumber took to drinking on the job and began saying strange things to clients. One customer called and said, 'I've got a leak in my sink," only to be told, "Go ahead, it won't hurt anything."

[admin]

A futurist who drank his way from the think tank to the drunk tank still keeps an eye on 2009. Picking up a bunch of grapes recently he marveled, "Ah, wine capsules!"

[admin]

A drunk was stopped by a police officer who asked if he was drinking to which he replied yes, so he was given a breath test. He registered .34, for which the officer told me him he was legally dead and carried him off to jail. His lawyer talked to the drunk and made arrangements for him to receive 48 hours on weekends, $250 fine, and loss of license for 90 days. Upon going before the judge, he pleaded guilty, and was asked if he had any thing to say. The drunk said, "Yes sir, I have a question. How can you charge a legally dead person with D.U.I?" The judge told him he was going to dismiss the D.U.I, but gave him 30 days and $1,000 fine for being a smart-aleck. Drunks should keep their big mouths shut.

[admin]

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him. "What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked. "I'm on my works Christmas Party!" came the slurred reply. "Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?" "Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"

[admin]

THE DRINKER'S ALPHABET

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High school

B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch

C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last night's party

D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F- F*!*ed Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers

H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid (after just three beers)

J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home at 5 am

K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M- Money: That which you no longer have due to two dollar draft night at the bar

N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know...again

O- Oh sh*t!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs

P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer

Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the night in jail with Bertha the Bearded Transvestite

R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet

S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk...aww yea

T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where u reach ur peak of drinking

U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jell-O 100% absolute!!

W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelain god

X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)

Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z- Zima: Zomething Different....Zomething Gross

[admin]

From UGA Humor Digest:
Top 83 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67 Do you <your name> take this woman.....
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this **** list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71 Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74 Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77 You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82 I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. <hic> Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

[admin]

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

[admin]

An elderly drunk was sitting on a park bench in tears. A police officer came up and asked him what was wrong. "I'm seventy-five years old," sobbed the man, "man I've got a twenty-five-year-old wife at home. She's beautiful, charming and madly in love with me." "So why are you crying?" "I can't remember where I live."

[admin]

Two boozers enter a bar. "I'll have a double," the first tells the bartender, "before the trouble starts!" The second guy says, "Gimmie a double too, before the trouble starts!" The bartender quickly pours the doubles, and they down them. "So, who pays the tab?" he asks them. "Aha," says the first guy, "now the trouble starts."

[admin]

The town souse went to see the doctor. "I hurt all over my entire body," he complained. He laid his finger on his left shoulder. "When I touch myself here," he whined, "it hurts." Then he put his finger near his heart. "When I touch here it hurts." Then he put his finger on his thigh. "When I touch here, it hurts." And so on. "No matter where I touch myself, Doc, it hurts something terrible! Please! What's wrong with me?" The doctor said, "You have a broken finger."

[admin]

A fellow was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture," the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

[admin]

A drunk was asked, "What's the difference between shortcomings and defects of character? Without hesitation he replied, "I have shortcomings; everyone else has defects of character."

[admin]

If you tell a person that there are 270,678,934,341 stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if tell an alcoholic to stay away from 'that first drink," he has to make a personal investigation

[admin]

Two drinking buddies meet on the street one morning. "Had breakfast, yet?" One inquires. "Nope, not a singly drop!" replies the other.

[admin]

An extremely inebriated gentleman staggers through the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The barman refuses him and asks him to leave, which he does, only to come hurtling back a few minutes later through the side door. Again, the proprietor tells him, "Sorry, but you're too drunk to serve, sir, you'll have to leave." This time he comes stumbling through the back door only to meet the same results, whereupon he wails, "MA.A.A.A.an! How many bars in this town do you work at?"

[admin]

Out of the mouth of a drunk, "I pray that you remove every single defective character who stand in my way!"

[admin]

A member, six months on the program, who was talking at a meeting. "Since I've been in A.A." he remarked, "I haven't found it necessary to take a drink. "His sponsor, unable to swallow this statement, interrupted him. "Listen, Harry," he objected, "you were drinking just last week." "I know," answered the new member. "But it wasn't necessary."

[admin]

A well-bombed character walked into a riding academy and stated that he wished to rent a horse. "How long?" asked the proprietor. "The longest one you've got," the lush said. "There are four of us."

[admin]

We can't expect everything to be ideal, and the same was true of a group of
homeless drunks who hung out under a railroad bridge. They took turns
cooking, and the rule was that anyone who complained about it had to take
over the job. One night they had biscuits for supper. One lush explained,
"These things are burned on the top and bottom and raw in the middle--but
that's just the way I like them!"