What am I????

[Tom1]

Been coming here for awhile. I think I drink just enough to not let anyone (including myself) know I am an alcoholic. Once a week, always when I am off(yesterday), I drink exactly 1 big bottle (1.5 liters) of 13.5% (yes, I read the bottle)of wine.I get a good buzz but can still have a conversation if necessary. I do this alone and stopped drinking socially several years ago. Definitely in college (20 yrs ago) was drinking to blackouts/ fights 2-3 times/ week. Not even close now. Problem is I am FINE for about a week after drinking (no cravings) but than develop an anxiousness that I HAVE to drink. I have been great at not drinking more than my "prescribed"amount for several years, even gave away an expensive bottle of scotch given to me because I never want to open the door to harder alcohol again. I start going to AA but get frustrated that I can't find anyone like me (I know that is not the point), everyone seems pretty down and out, everyone has lost much.I don't feel like I am "bad-enough" to fit in. When I talk I am almost embarassed by my story because I haven't lost a job or lived in the street. Doctors do not have the answer, one I saw (I go far away and pay out of pocket to keep my records clean) said I am medicating anxiety, but he is not sure, I don't fit the "classic" alcoholic. Is there such a thing as a "smoldering" alcoholic?

[BIG AL]

Dude look at what you wrote.All the justifacation, hiding,and counting.You have the alcholic mind.One thing I can tell you what makes us alkies is our thinking and I can see it all over your post.Its not about getting sober its about staying sober.There are plenty of peopel out there that didnt end up like me all down and out.I knew a school teacher that never got into trouble hid his drinking and went to great lenghts not to get caught.And he didnt he died about 2 yrs ago with 42yrs sober what a hell of a man he was.He would always say in the meeting that he didnt know one person he sobered up with that was still alive.We all loved Stanley.He had all those yets in his pockets.The I havent did this yet or that yet.But keep drinking long enough and those yets become I cant believe I did that.We like to think we are unique.The truth is we are not we are all just one drink away from a drunk.I personaly dont like to hear ther war stories of what people did thats not recovery.Lets hear what you did to solve this or that in sobriety.Give me a solution not a problem.I gave alot of booze away and then later regreted it becouse I was hurting.I dont understand why people let what others think come between them and meetings or groups.That is your meeting your group.I was told they could kick me out of a AA meeting but I could come back the next day.Not that you been kicked out but you let your own insecurities run you out.Stop trying to find how your are different from others and look for similarities.Open your mind they are there.This is about you and your happiness bro and not theres.I hope you find what you are loooking for here and if you dont give me a shout and maybe I can help.

[yukonm]

It helped me to accept that I fit in when I started keeping a "different" scorecard. I may not have lost material things but I was spiritually, emotionally and mentally "bankrupt".

[zoomie]

At the end of my drinking I was only drinking two beers a night and occassonally every 4 weeks 3 or 4. But in my past when i was a young teen and early 20s I sure made up for it by drinking my fill. I drank when I was not suppost to,even on medication. I just had to have my beer. I don't care if I'm not a full blown alcoholic,but I could become one if I did not stop drinking. I did not lose everything by my drinking. It seemed when I was sober i lost more,but that is just life. At any rate to me a big bottle of wine is a lot to drink in one night. I would be throwing up and passing out. You could just be a problem drinker,but for AA membership "it's the wanting to stop drinking" that qulifys you to be a member, not how much you drink of have drank. I'm happy that I did not lose what other people had lost or happy that I did not have black outs or pass out in places I did not know. Although in my youth I did stupid things to get me into trouble by my drinking. If you feel you have a problem with alcohol,then AA is the place to go. Just be happy your bottom is not as low as some and you can help others by telling your story and they too can get off the alcohol like you before it's too late.

[Rockin Big Daddy]

Yo yo... Read pages 354-358 of the 4th edition BB and see if that resonates with you :) Bro, my attitude used to be the steps are for "you"; not me, as my will was strong. Unfortunately, my disease snickered with my attitude knowing it had me in a matter of time. Needless to say, my disease was right and I relapsed and it was on............ I don't know about you, Tom, but when my disease becomes active it wants to be fed and I am not talking about one drink!

Desire turns will into action and the most important step is Step 1...

Great work!

[sioux]

Great news! You get to decide what you are and no one else~come and join us for a few weeks and see if our stories can help you make that decision. We are everywhere if you are interested.

[Tom1]

Thanks for everyones input. I know what I am, I just keep forgetting and need reminding.I started reading the Big Book again (p 354-58 did strike a nerve).I will start over (again!!!)

[Honey Barbara]

It was great for me to read this. I know I am an alcoholic, finally admitted it on Sunday. The few people I have told are gobsmacked - I don't get drunk, Well you know My husband fixes my bike tryre every now and then, I am still a feminist. Nice to hear everybody's stories. What I understand is that my disease is progressive, so I can fool evrybody else, but I can't fool myself. When I told myself that I was having a day off - I found some impulse trigger in my brain just reaching for a drink - totally freaked me out as it was against my will and desire. I often take the week off and drink on the weekends, but I must say without the dangling carrot (or should I say grape) of a weekend drink - I am actaully enjoying myself. Yesterday about the time I have a glass of wine or a g&T - I did 40 minutes yoga on the beach with the sun setting on the ocean. I'm not sure if it's something you guys do or discuss - but all that breathing in yoga is pretty amazing for cravings - came in and had a lemongrass tea, I felt like my feet were not touching the ground - I felt soooooooo good. Wine NEVER makes me feel that good. I am really pleased to spend time here and realise that though I may have a great job,a great marriage, stay active, never fall down drunk, never slur my words - I am an alcoholic - My name is kristobel and I am an alcoholic.
That felt goooooood.
Peace - tea and yoga
Bellxx - I may go back to Honey barbara - but had to do that once.

[Tom1]

Thanks everyone again. Went to a meeting last night and, on Al's advise, made it MY meeting. I just re read step 1 and changed the preconceived definitions I had for the words "powerless" and "unmanageable". In my life "powerless" means on the day I decide to drink, I cannot change that AT ALL, (even if my wife senses what I am going to do and recommends we go out or something, I will give excuses ( "I just want to hang around house", etc..).Now "unmanageable" doesn't mean losing job, car, dog, wife sitting around listening to country music all day (no offense country music fans!) but now means that the "carrot" mentioned by Honey Barbara has been the ONLY thing that can reset me for the week and has been the main thing i look forward to. I will keep coming back.

[Rocket2d4]

a garden veriety alcoholic maybe?.

If I had power over my drinking. That means I can stop for the rest of
your life without figthing or struggles. Will power will only take you so far.
If i can't stop drinking or stay stopped...that's probably powerlessness to me.

Unmanageable meanings your life suck ass and you're miserable as hell.

mmm..I used to be at that stage of my alcoholism too.
Made a crap load of money, show up to work drunk, got alone with the boss and
had all kinds of women chasing after me.
I guess it's call a functioning alcoholic....
I personally think it was playing russian rollete and a disaster waiting to happen.
**** if it did get progressive on me.

Looking good on the outside and all F-UP on the inside.
I was miserable as hell on the inside. I felt empty , lost and alone on the inside.
A freaken living walking donut

No amount of booze, women, money, prestige brought me lasting peace.
That's why I check the F out all the time.
I had to get right with me...yet I didn't know who I was.

[mmarq56]

Problem is I am FINE for about a week after drinking (no cravings) but than develop an anxiousness that I HAVE to drink.That's how I feel. I was able to quit for about a week and then its craving like mad or like you say "anxiousness". THat sucks. So, that's when I go to meetings to talk to people and that anxiousness goes away for awhile. I think I"m an alcoholic because of that -- craving/anxiousness. I turn into the wicked witch of the west after about 1 - 2 weeks. Maybe you are...only you can answer that. But I've answered my question about if I am an alcoholic. I know I am.

[Tom1]

Yeah. I am there. The trick is to NOT get through day 2 or 3 (where I am now). The trick is after day7-10. I am trying meetings again. What Rocket said is what I do , check out even though on the surface all is good. Yesterday was like 1 all day meeting for me. I am at the end of my internal medicine residency and have an opportnity to check out other fields and get outa the hospital for a bit. Decided to do a month of addiction medicine so yesterday spent day in a lockdown detox unit admitting guys that I could easily be.I guess I thought I was "safe"now at 42 that I have managed to control my drinking, but my last admit didn't escalate his drinking till he was 43, so another nice lie I had flushed down the toilet. most of the nurses are addicts and are very compassionate, talk openly about it. There were only a couple docs besides myself but 2 I talked to only did it because their group did it, 1 guy seemed (like me) to have some extra compassion . Not sure if I should/ can share. While I have never been an "impaired physician" I certainly COULD see it happening if I keep on this old path I have been on. I am looking for a group to join, though, so really do not want anyone to know I go to meetings. We'll see, God always seems o show me WHEN I am willing to wait on Him (not often) Thanks all, Tom

[mmarq56]

I'm in the legal field and I know that there are meetings for lawyers & judges & recently paralegals have been added. But I'm sure there are meetings for doctors, nurses, folks in the medical field. I think we tend to relate better with each other when you talk to someone who is also in your same profession. Just an idea. Good luck Tom, you're doing the right thing....:smile: