My Secret. (Shhh! Don't tell anyone!)

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Be clear about your needs. Why? Because until your needs are met, they will continue to drive your behavior.

If you don't know what is driving your behavior, you will always be a victim of your own mental impulses. You will always act impulsively on your thoughts, because you haven't got to the root of what you really feel.

What you really feel is lost, lonely, insecure, depressed, despair, abandoned, lonely, disconnected, cheated, betrayed, angry, fear...whatever.

And what you really need, is whatever is going to give you the opposite of those feelings.

For example, maybe you need to feel more confident. And alcohol helps you get there. Or maybe you need to feel certainty, and having a smoke gives you some small semblance of control. Or maybe you need to feel loved, and so you sell yourself for drugs or sex. Or maybe you need to feel connected. So you turn to God or friends and family. You join a group of like-minded people and open up your heart.

Until your needs are met they will continue to drive your behavior. Once you know that your needs are being met, then you are free to pursue other things you want to be or do or have.

I have a need to connect with people, too. And as a teacher, I have a need to share the things I've learned.

What are some of your essential needs, and how do you get them met?



:42:

[BIG AL]

I can relate to the smoking now that I think of it.I t seems to give em some control.I notice if I argue with my wife and things are out of control I chain smoke.Or Mostly with anger at work with people or situations I china smoke.

[Chewi]

I'm starting to understand this. When I am around people I feel nervous and anxious. I want to be more confident and calm. I want to have fun and relax. I never learned how to do this younger because I always tried to achieve this with alcohol. If I can keep these things that I want in mind, I can find healthier ways of achieving these things than alcohol. This does give me a more positive way to look at my sobriety and how to hang onto it. I like the idea of thinking a lot about sobriety and not thinking as much about not drinking. I've always known that my bad thinking screws me up. What I need to figure out is why every so often I let my brain shut off and drink, even though I have made previous progress.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

If I can keep these things that I want in mind, I can find healthier ways of achieving these things than alcohol.

YES! Exactly! That's the secret!

This does give me a more positive way to look at my sobriety and how to hang onto it. I like the idea of thinking a lot about sobriety and not thinking as much about not drinking.

Focusing on what we want instead of what we fear has worked wonders for myself and many other people.


I've always known that my bad thinking screws me up. What I need to figure out is why every so often I let my brain shut off and drink, even though I have made previous progress.

Your questions direct your focus. Focusing on "Not Drinking" and asking yourself "Why do i let my brain shut off and drink" will take you in the same direction. Both are a downward spiral.

Doesn't matter "WHY" you let your brain shut off and drink. That line of questioning will never set you free, because no matter what the "WHY" is, all it does is give you more reasons or references to support the undesirable behavior. The illusion is that if you only knew WHY then you could do something about it. But the fact is, when you start going down that never-ending path of WHY, then you still aren't focused on the results you really want!

Try this:

Give yourself a "HOW" question instead of a "WHY" question that will start taking you in a better direction. If you like, you can post that question here and I'll give you some more feedback.

Outstanding work, Chewi!

Bravo!


:85::85::85::85::85:

[Chewi]

(Why + my brain = analysis paralysis)

so, okay:

How do I stay sober?

[alcoholrehabcoach]

(Why + my brain = analysis paralysis)

so, okay:

How do I stay sober?


Again, be clear about your target.

If sobriety is what you want, then how do YOU define it? What does staying sober really mean TO YOU?

[Chewi]

Sobriety means losing the obsession with alcohol. It means losing the obsession with it whether it is in my life or someone elses.

It means facing life and situations with peace and confidence without falling for the temptation to drink.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Sobriety means losing the obsession with alcohol. It means losing the obsession with it whether it is in my life or someone elses.

It means facing life and situations with peace and confidence without falling for the temptation to drink.


You see? You are doing it again. You are defining what you want by what you are trying to avoid.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life counting the number of days you have managed to avoid something? Or could there be a better way?

Now give me a definition of sobriety that has nothing to do with drinking.

[Chewi]

Here goes:

Sobriety is a way of life in which I seek to hear and do the will of my creator; to be healthy in spirit, mind and body so I can carry that out; to seek to serve my creator and others so I may be at peace with him and others.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Beautiful.

So what do you think are some of the differences between your previous definition and this one?

[Chewi]

Aha, I'm getting it!

My first definition centered/focused completely on alcohol.

My second definition focuses on my creator, others and myself and how the three work together to provide and purposeful and peaceful life.

First, negative. Second, positive.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

You got it!

Whatever we consistently focus on, we attract more of into our lives.

Nice job, Chewi! So how does this new awareness make you feel?


Next thing I suggest is for you to recap everything you've just learned (either here or on your own), and then choose one constructive thing you can do each day for the next 7 days, to immediately start taking action on what you've learned. Something along the lines of practicing and reinforcing your new understanding of sobriety.

Do you have any other questions, or is that enough to get you started?

[Chewi]

No more questions for now. Turning around my negative thinking and striving for something positive to do each day -- keeping that ONE main goal before me -- keeps it so much simpler for me.

I greatly appreciate your help, Mike!:D

[alcoholrehabcoach]

So one of my secret weapons for sobriety is to consistently focus on what I want. As opposed to continuously focusing on (fretting over, worrying about, speaking of, thinking on...) anything I have already decided to avoid. I've found this kind of thinking works really well for me.

And now I'm curious. What are some of your "secret weapons" for sobriety?

What are some of the things you know you can rely upon, to keep you sane and sober? Especially when there is no one else around to talk to?


:15: