john oarc
10-11-2009, 03:11 PM
This is an email to my brother asking for help. I would like to know if any professionals can take a look at this and give feedback as well as any of you guys who have any thought on this matter.
Please look at this for or with me to help me figure out why I carry this trait. I have figured out that from Mom and Dad's personality disorders and the molestation I fit some of the Narcissistic personality disorder criteria. I have come to the conclusion that I look at woman as objects and long for a perfect mate to make up for my own low self worth. I can be in a relationship but soon find it difficult to maintain because the person shows imperfections that I feel are a reflection of me i.e. they can't keep my public image high enough to sustain my own feelings of worth, example; I can only exist by the things I possess, wife, job, money, car, house and children and when any one of these things fails me or makes me look bad in public I lose it, feel less than etc.
Interpreted this means I have narcissism as an underlying form of my being. In large part I use things to make me exist and I acknowledge this as of last night when I allowed myself to be truthful with myself. I could not understand why I could not forgive my wife fully for the affair and I tried desperately to do so with some feeling of accomplishment only to have it fall any time she made a mistake or threatened my worth with: not looking good one day, not keeping the house clean etc. anything she did to let me down called off the forgiveness, it was not unconditional love. As I looked deeper into myself I realized that I was no closer to forgiveness than her ability to maintain Perfection. The harder I tried to break away from her and be independent the more I felt less for her and really felt less love, meaning when I let go of using her for my self worth I did not feel as if I loved her any more. This all means to me that when I let her go, quit relying on her for my self worth I no longer need her to lift me up, be a trophy or object thus I don't need her. This means my idea of love is how much a person can make me feel important. I know this is crazy but it is the underlying theme of my life. My idea of what love is; as long as you are pretty and smart and bring honor to me I love you, when you no longer do that I don't need you. I have always been looking for that perfect woman, the look, the brains, and all the things that I could use to make me feel more important in public. As long as I have that I am complete, when I try to branch off on my own and have my own self worth I feel like I am abandoning my relationship, if you do something to damage the fact that I live through your perfectness, attractiveness, intelligence etc.. like have and affair I can never forgive you for that. It completely destroys my ability to have you on my arm making me feel better about myself, there is no way I can feel proud and self confident if you had an affair. If all I will ever be is who you make me, an affair negates my ability to thrive, i.e. I could never forgive that because I do not possess enough inner strength to be my own person much less lift my head up after you destroyed me publicly. I live through your ability to make me look good and an affair kills that for eternity. The only reason a person is unable to forgive another is this reason alone in my opinion. If you use life around you as your God then you are hopelessly locked to the past and present events that shape your outside world and can only think that others see you for what others have done to you and are doing for you. You can't rely on your inner worth as how you present yourself to the world, this inner worth being the Holy Spirit living in you. The demonic nature of the idea that you are what the world sees from what others provide for you is just that, worldly, satanic etc. It separates the flesh from the spirit, flesh being what is on the outside and spirit being on the inside. This may not make sense but I know what I am trying to say here, just not doing it justice.
Porn was my way of fulfilling the fantasy that there is still hope out there, there is a woman that can make me feel good and complete me. The fact is that these women we see in pornographic photos are one dimensional, a picture or video and they never have human characteristics that go hand in hand with relationships, i.e. they never have head aches, periods, never complain, have no faults etc. They are never with you, you never talk to them so you never see the weak, vulnerable, cranky, moody human side thus they are perfect for the fantasy that they could make you 100% happy. The only problem is this is not reality and narcissism isn't either, it is a fake belief that somewhere in the world exists a person who could completely fill the Jesus hole in your spirit. The reason I look at other women is fantasy, it is my strong belief that in my mind I can look hard enough and I will one day find a woman that is everything I need to make other people think highly of me. The better looking the stronger the attraction, not so much a physical attraction now that I am seeing things more clearly. Physical attraction is there but the real deal is the better they look the more attracted I am to the idea of how other guys and other people will esteem me. I know in the back of my mind I picture them on my arm in public and I revel in the idea that others are envious and can't help but to wish they could be me for just one minute. It is so shallow it makes me want to puke right now. This entire time I thought their beauty was the attraction, now I know it has to do with my own low self image. The attraction is purely how much you will make me feel better about myself around others. The molestation has a lot to do with this. I felt like I had to prove my manhood more than normal, hypervigelant in this regard and high school taught me that to be important you had to be with the best looking girl in the school. People would respect you more if you could have her on your arm. They would also respect you if your parents were rich and you had a hot rod car. All this is the norm for high school but my ideas were more than just thoughts I needed it like a fish needs water.
The question is where did this come from?
I have not found all the information but some of the literature suggest, the lack of love from the mother figure and I can see the emotionless part of Mom in this idea. The other thing I came up with is the idea that throughout my life I had external things coming at me at an early age and most of it was negative. Their divorce, the molestation, and dad's porno and womanizing rampages. All of this combined together makes me feel as if I learned from an early age that if I could control the external I could be happy and thus the idea that if I can find a person to make up for all the external unhappiness I could once again be a complete person. By controlling the outcomes of my present life by making sure I find people and things that bring me up I will once again be human. The molestation demolished my manly nature and I felt a need to prove my prowess and dad taught me that by objectifying women I could do just that. So mom's inability to show love has some bearing on this but dad's craziness also plays a majority role in it as well. My wife had and has faults but I am looking inward and finding out a crap load of information so I am focused on that right now.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Please look at this for or with me to help me figure out why I carry this trait. I have figured out that from Mom and Dad's personality disorders and the molestation I fit some of the Narcissistic personality disorder criteria. I have come to the conclusion that I look at woman as objects and long for a perfect mate to make up for my own low self worth. I can be in a relationship but soon find it difficult to maintain because the person shows imperfections that I feel are a reflection of me i.e. they can't keep my public image high enough to sustain my own feelings of worth, example; I can only exist by the things I possess, wife, job, money, car, house and children and when any one of these things fails me or makes me look bad in public I lose it, feel less than etc.
Interpreted this means I have narcissism as an underlying form of my being. In large part I use things to make me exist and I acknowledge this as of last night when I allowed myself to be truthful with myself. I could not understand why I could not forgive my wife fully for the affair and I tried desperately to do so with some feeling of accomplishment only to have it fall any time she made a mistake or threatened my worth with: not looking good one day, not keeping the house clean etc. anything she did to let me down called off the forgiveness, it was not unconditional love. As I looked deeper into myself I realized that I was no closer to forgiveness than her ability to maintain Perfection. The harder I tried to break away from her and be independent the more I felt less for her and really felt less love, meaning when I let go of using her for my self worth I did not feel as if I loved her any more. This all means to me that when I let her go, quit relying on her for my self worth I no longer need her to lift me up, be a trophy or object thus I don't need her. This means my idea of love is how much a person can make me feel important. I know this is crazy but it is the underlying theme of my life. My idea of what love is; as long as you are pretty and smart and bring honor to me I love you, when you no longer do that I don't need you. I have always been looking for that perfect woman, the look, the brains, and all the things that I could use to make me feel more important in public. As long as I have that I am complete, when I try to branch off on my own and have my own self worth I feel like I am abandoning my relationship, if you do something to damage the fact that I live through your perfectness, attractiveness, intelligence etc.. like have and affair I can never forgive you for that. It completely destroys my ability to have you on my arm making me feel better about myself, there is no way I can feel proud and self confident if you had an affair. If all I will ever be is who you make me, an affair negates my ability to thrive, i.e. I could never forgive that because I do not possess enough inner strength to be my own person much less lift my head up after you destroyed me publicly. I live through your ability to make me look good and an affair kills that for eternity. The only reason a person is unable to forgive another is this reason alone in my opinion. If you use life around you as your God then you are hopelessly locked to the past and present events that shape your outside world and can only think that others see you for what others have done to you and are doing for you. You can't rely on your inner worth as how you present yourself to the world, this inner worth being the Holy Spirit living in you. The demonic nature of the idea that you are what the world sees from what others provide for you is just that, worldly, satanic etc. It separates the flesh from the spirit, flesh being what is on the outside and spirit being on the inside. This may not make sense but I know what I am trying to say here, just not doing it justice.
Porn was my way of fulfilling the fantasy that there is still hope out there, there is a woman that can make me feel good and complete me. The fact is that these women we see in pornographic photos are one dimensional, a picture or video and they never have human characteristics that go hand in hand with relationships, i.e. they never have head aches, periods, never complain, have no faults etc. They are never with you, you never talk to them so you never see the weak, vulnerable, cranky, moody human side thus they are perfect for the fantasy that they could make you 100% happy. The only problem is this is not reality and narcissism isn't either, it is a fake belief that somewhere in the world exists a person who could completely fill the Jesus hole in your spirit. The reason I look at other women is fantasy, it is my strong belief that in my mind I can look hard enough and I will one day find a woman that is everything I need to make other people think highly of me. The better looking the stronger the attraction, not so much a physical attraction now that I am seeing things more clearly. Physical attraction is there but the real deal is the better they look the more attracted I am to the idea of how other guys and other people will esteem me. I know in the back of my mind I picture them on my arm in public and I revel in the idea that others are envious and can't help but to wish they could be me for just one minute. It is so shallow it makes me want to puke right now. This entire time I thought their beauty was the attraction, now I know it has to do with my own low self image. The attraction is purely how much you will make me feel better about myself around others. The molestation has a lot to do with this. I felt like I had to prove my manhood more than normal, hypervigelant in this regard and high school taught me that to be important you had to be with the best looking girl in the school. People would respect you more if you could have her on your arm. They would also respect you if your parents were rich and you had a hot rod car. All this is the norm for high school but my ideas were more than just thoughts I needed it like a fish needs water.
The question is where did this come from?
I have not found all the information but some of the literature suggest, the lack of love from the mother figure and I can see the emotionless part of Mom in this idea. The other thing I came up with is the idea that throughout my life I had external things coming at me at an early age and most of it was negative. Their divorce, the molestation, and dad's porno and womanizing rampages. All of this combined together makes me feel as if I learned from an early age that if I could control the external I could be happy and thus the idea that if I can find a person to make up for all the external unhappiness I could once again be a complete person. By controlling the outcomes of my present life by making sure I find people and things that bring me up I will once again be human. The molestation demolished my manly nature and I felt a need to prove my prowess and dad taught me that by objectifying women I could do just that. So mom's inability to show love has some bearing on this but dad's craziness also plays a majority role in it as well. My wife had and has faults but I am looking inward and finding out a crap load of information so I am focused on that right now.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks,