Lost motivation. How to regain?

[TaylorLeigh]

I wrote my situation in the newcomer intro section this morning. Bottom line is that I have lost motivation. I'm 29, almost 30...in professional school and I'm leaving early on days I don't have patients... just because. I'll tell myself I'm going to clean the house, wash the car, plant in the garden etc and get things done. Generally at this point, I do manage to take a 5 mile run which I used to enjoy immensely. Now, I have to force myself. Then I come home and sit online for hours on end finishing off a bottle of wine and some vodka tonics stopping with enough time so that my husband doesn't have to deal with it. My husband challenged me to stop drinking for a week. It really wasn't terribly hard to do but then I realized I should stop drinking every day because it was bothering him. I've cut it back trying to force it out of my mind on my off days.. but now when I do drink, I just have a lot more ... and it's adding to the problems! I've had difficulty stopping when I started for a while now, but now I almost feel as though I DESERVE to drink a lot for the days I go without. I can't regain my motivation. That is the bigger problem than the alcohol or internet. If I could, I figure all would be solved. I'm open to suggestions. Thanks :confused:

[sioux]

People that don't have drinking problems generally don't seek out recovery websites, or get suggestions/challenges from other people to give it up for a week, etc.

I know that my alcoholism manifests in many ways and changes hats from time-to-time. I am expert in finding distractions rather than facing certain truths about myself. I have learned how to take my inventory honestly with the Steps of AA, learned about my triggers, and have a support group of people like me that help immensely.

I could sure relate to the self-entitlement you spoke of. I deserved a drink, this and that and the other thing. Everyone owed me, and everyone was responsible for the way I felt, thought, and acted...if you had this crappy car, lousy boyfriend, horrid employer, know-it-all professor, why you could understand why I need this drink and the endless amount after it. My rationalizations were my undying insanity.

One day it all stopped working, and by the way I was in school full time and working at a law office. Getting sober was like coming out of a coma. I couldn't think my way sober no matter how hard I tried.

I went to AA and have been sober and living a productive life ever since. I have gained a lot of insights into my behaviors, my addictions, and what can be done about them. Thing is, I was dying and didn't even know it at the time. I thought I was just contending with either my lot in life or another bump in the road....I was delusional then, and I have to watch out for that kind of thinking today.

Alcoholism wants me dead and will take misery as a second. It's the disease that tells me I am okay really....now that things are settled, I can have that drink and all will be well. It's a subtle foe, but a foe nonetheless.

Hope you can find something that works for you. I had and have to take action daily.

[Honey Barbara]

Welcome Taylor - Sioux is right - You are here - That should tell you everything you need to know. I am new here - 12 days sober. My life is really different already. I am so new in the journey that I am loathe to give advice, I have so much to learn myslef, but there are a few parralells with your story and mine, so I wanted to write.
I am a chef, I also run every day, and i can or should say I could run through a hangover, I think it was a form of punishment. I really enjoy running now. My husband wasn't too worried about my drinking - nobody was - because I could stop - what they didn't know - was that in the last two years _ i have found it increasingly difficult to have alcohol free days, I had them, but alcohol was always the reward at the end. There is something so wrong about that - imagine having a month off heroin and rewarding yourself with a big hit - it makes no sense. For me it was wine and books, not the internet, I love to curl up with a big glass of wine and a novel -I even had a big fish bowl glass so I didn't have to get up and fill it up too often - evryone thought it was cute.
I am 36 - I have burst capillaries on my face, I haven't been out at night without drugs or alcohol since i was 15 years old. As i said - I am far from an expert in recovery - but my question to you Taylor is this - If you have it a little bit under control now - how will it be in one year - two years - three years. I don't believe we should ALL have to hit rock bottom before we do something about it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
You are lucky your husband cares about you enough to challenge you -
I was terrified at the prospect of nver drinking again - now I am still a little bit scared but mostly liberated.
Good luck taylor - one thing I can say with absolute expertise is - keep coming back here - there is so much support, and great information.
Go easy
peace
Honey barbaraxxxxxx

[Tom1]

Taylor, I am about the same as Honey Barbara, 12 days.Was "only" a weekly drinker but totally understand the "deserving" the wine. I even "fooled" myself that in order to go through work journals, etc.. I needed the wine to calm my brain and focus, which it actually did for an hour or 2. Keep coming here and hopefully you will find what works for you. God Bless, Tom

[onzeaout]

Taylor, I am about the same as Honey Barbara, 12 days.Was "only" a weekly drinker but totally understand the "deserving" the wine. I even "fooled" myself that in order to go through work journals, etc.. I needed the wine to calm my brain and focus, which it actually did for an hour or 2. Keep coming here and hopefully you will find what works for you. God Bless, Tom

Hi,

I am a newcomer 22 days without a drink. I am a binge drinker and would go up to two weeks without drink and I would be so happy about that that I would reward my self with a drinking day that turned into multiple days. This cycle would go on and on, each time I thought I could have that one day/night and that would be it.

I also agree that some of us can stop before bottom (I am not one of those fortunates). A suggestion might be to try a few AA meetings and see if you can relate to anyone in the groups and take it from there.

Good journey and keep coming to the site it is a great place.

[zoomie]

There are different types of problem drinkers and you may not relate to everyone. We all have one thing in common is that alcohol is doing something wrong in our lives. Great advice up above from very smart people. WE all have a story how alcohol touched our lives and how we help ourselves in recovery. We also come here and help eachother so that we can stay in recovery. Please keep coming back and sharing!

[TaylorLeigh]

Thank you guys. It's not so much trying to figure out if it is a problem as much as looking for advice on how to change some patterns and desires. I just personally know being so young and in dent school (and doing fairly well) that I'm not an 'alcoholic' and that maybe I can learn to drink appropriately before it's too late. Looking for thoughts on that too. Also though, I think being able to go a little while without drinking would be beneficial for my relationship with my husband and friends. Too many people criticize my drinking, too many nights I have had blackouts and I'm not happy with drinking to motivate myself to study for important exams...because then I forget too much. I need about 5 drinks to start feeling the effects I used to feel at 2 and then I get so obsessed with not losing that feeling that I can think about little else until I'm just plain not thinking anymore. The 3 times this year I cut out drinking it was because my hands were shaking the following morning (not good for working on patients) and my hands had pins and needles which concerned me... but I'm in so much debt and stress that alcohol is the only way I can feel better. I have tried hobbies and exercise but I can't lose the constant feeling of pressure and burden without alcohol. I do NOT like that at all! Thanks for thoughts and tips!

[Honey Barbara]

Taylor
Why are you looking to keep alcohol in your life. What scares you about stopping. Search within Taylor and be Honest. At this stage your best option is to stop an make some decisions when you are sober and feeling good. There are so many ways of relaxing without alcohol. I am painting, making jewellery, I do yoga, and cook elaborate meals for My husband and I, my energy for intimacy with my husband is better than ever, so our relationship is on a new high.
This may be better coming from someone furhter down the road of recovery but it sounds very much like your inner addict talking. Not yourself.
Good luck
Honey - Barbxxxx

[Tom1]

i again have to parrot Honey Barbara (except the yoga thing, sorry Honey, maybe SOMEDAY I will try!!!). I am also a professional and not a typical "alcoholic" but an alcoholic none the less. An alcoholic doesn't have to be homeless, houseless and spouseless. For me the pleasure I would get knowing I had a day off and ONLY wanting to drink on that day is what does it for me. I too have pt stress, no sleep for sometimes 30-40 hours at a time, and just want to "diconnect" from my pts,. hospital, etc... I will be 2 weeks today, which is about the LONGEST I usually go. I never drank daily, never went to work drunk (although last time was i n a "fuzz: the day aftter. I started to exchange alcohol for everything else that used to bring me joy (working out, etc..) Redfine "alcoholic" as it would effect you and try to erase pre conceived images of what that is.What would you tell yourself if you were your own pt? Good Luck, Tom

[zoomie]

I never had a black out and I considere myself a problem drinker. I'm with the above, rethink your drinking and what people say about it. We are real good about lying to ourselves to protect our drinking.

[TaylorLeigh]

Thanks everyone. So often I want to stop drinking but I just think ... one more day. This could go on forever. I've enjoyed reading about others in here. Maybe I just don't want it bad enough yet. I look too forward to the escape... sometimes all day I can't get it out of my head unless I'm totally consumed with a patient. The biggest problem is that my husband constantly tells me to try to just have one instead of keeping on going back to it. He monitors my use and questions me whenever he sees me drinking. I just want to be left alone on that matter like in the past. Thanks for your advice in previous posts everyone.