Did Adderall Screw Me For Life...

[mageydoom]

Alright I'm gonna try and make this short... I've been a substance abuser for about 6 years now, sense I was 14. The drug that really took a hold of me though was Adderall, for those of you who don't know adderall is legal speed. At first it was minimal, I only took it when I got it off my friends for free. As time went on I began to take it more and more and eventually I was able to get it prescribed for myself. So not only was I abusing my prescription but at the same time I was buy lots of it daily off of friends... It got bad too, so bad I would go 5 days to a week at a time with out sleep and then crash for 48 hours. This went on for a very long time too, about 2 years. Finally after I lost my girlfriend of 6 years (the love of my life), got kicked out of my house, and most of my friends had abandoned me I just couldn't take it anymore. So I told my doctor and they took me off it and put me on an anti depressant. It only made me worst so I stopped taking it and no longer had health insurance to go back and try something else... There's alot more too this story but that's about is much as I can sum up 6 years of my life.

What I need to find out is if I'm ever gonna feel things like a normal person again. What I mean by this is now days sense I've been off the adderall I'm completely under stimulated, almost emotionless, I have no desire for anything really no passions and no dreams. Before I started doing drugs I used to love videos games and computers and had a huge passion for computers and teaching myself things, I would even obsess with it. Now though it hard for me to even get on here to write this. I'm not entertained at all by the things I used to love, I even find TV boring. The only time I can really find the motivation to do anything is when I'm like drunk or something and I've even gotten bored well I was completely smashed. Is there any hope that if I lay off of everything in time those natural feelings will come back? I might be able to enjoy a good game again or maybe find the passion I used to have for computers? I mean I even had a free ride through a college education before I got kicked out and I was so passionless about my future I just blew it off I didn't even know what I would want to do (and still don't) if I could have any career in the world... Needless to say I feel like a lost cause, when I do feel something at best it's anger. Did adderall ruin everything I used to love for life? I can't find anything I enjoy doing anymore anything at all... Sleep is the best part of my 24 hour day and I can't even do that with out loading up on benydril... I don't want to live a life with out any passion, a life that I wake up every day telling myself 'maybe today I'll feel something'. Someone please help

[mageydoom]

FFS I'm turning 20 in less then a month and have to fight myself on a daily bases just to keep from putting a gun to my head. And I gotta say I'm running out of fight...

[Jay Bee]

Hello Alex, HOLD ON, you too can recover a day at a time. Frist you have to get to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, ask for help. We surround ourself around people who are just like us, because only another recovering Addict knows how We feel. Right now you are running off the Disease Thinking, We all did that:15:. Im saying We because it's an We fellowship.... If their was no We, then it would be no me, I've been where your at in my head, and I know it's hard, and We can help you. You have to become willing to Surrender to the process, you can do it:15:, I will pray for you:195:, and by the way :77:to Cyber Recovery:62:, Please keep coming here too, keep us updated on your process.

[mageydoom]

By recover do you mean feel normal again? Like the way I used to feel... If there is no going back I rather just know, I don't wanna be taught to "fake" the feelings cause I already do that anyways... Sorry if this is rude that is not my intentions, I just wanna know what life is like after recovery or if it's even worth it. I understand the addiction part of it is a life long struggle, and I'm will to fight that if I can feel like I did 6 years ago again... As far as getting to a meeting is concerned I called once and got some addresses but I really have no way of getting there, isn't it just people sharing there experiences anyways I don't see how that will help recover, I rather not be around a ton of other people that are just as bad as me, I think it will make me worst... Sorry again I'm new to this whole trying to get better thing and can be pretty stubborn in my way of thinking, wish my parents would have thrown me in a rehab when I was 16 instead of letting me convince them not to... =\

The one thing that really freaks me out is in a diversion class I was court ordered to take they said quote "Some drugs can ruin things for you for LIFE.". So I'm not sure if I should believe that or not, I don't really wanna get better if I can't find my passion for things again.. I mean what would be the point?

[Jay Bee]

Recovery is an on going process, with the help of my GOD, and others, im am willing to recover one day at a time. The only way I can truly be recover is when they put me a box, then throw some dirt on top of me. Recovery is a wonderful experience for me, Im learning how to live life on it's own terms, with out use of drugs. Rehab sounds like it good for you, maybe you should go to your parents ask them for some help to get into the rehab. The Omission to say enough is enough, and Help, will work in your favour. Agin I say, I will pray for you, I will pray that you get the help YOU need:195:. If no one told you they love you yet, check this out, My GOD, your GOD, and Jay Bee Love's you !!! Please keep coming my friend:15:.

[mageydoom]

So then it's true, I'm never gonna be the same way again. I'm never gonna be the same person, or have the same feelings and passion that I had before... I mean it's been a couple months sense I've taken adderall but I still have been drinking and doing other things on and off. The thing is the days I am sober, I'm not usually suffering from with draws, I know because I've had alot of them and I know what it feels like. I just feel complete void of emotion and don't really care at all. If I where to just quit all of it for good would all it do for me is keep me from dying because of my addiction but out side of that I'm gonna be stuck like this, emotionless. Don't get me wrong I'm very greatful for your support and your replies but I just wanna know the truth. Am not gonna enjoy and care about the things I used to love so much ever again, has adderall screwed me for life? Is there no such thing as a full recovery? If that really is the case then I figure once I get health insurance again I mine as well get my doctor to put me back on the stuff, at least I feel normal when I'm on it as long as I don't abuse it. It pretty much gives me the motivation and passion I used to have naturally except for it has a time limit =\. I don't know, to be honest I really still debating if recovery is worth a shot, and the only way I'm gonna be able to decide is to figure out exactly how much I can actually recover. What is it like in the end? I don't wanna pretend I feel that kinda hope and passion for the rest of my life when I can take something and actually feel that way. I hope this makes sense..

[Tom1]

First, the Aderal did not screw you up or life. As a stimulant it is out of your system now. Alcohol, as you know, is a depressant and your post mentions you are taking an antidepressant as well. Also, in your age group, many of the antidepressants and other psych drugs carry a suicide warning. So, now we are left wondering if your feelings are from depression,alcohol or meds.First, you need to completely stop the alcohol. Second, under a docs supervision slowly go off or switch meds. What you were experiencing on the Aderal wasn't motivation, it was really more of a hypomania similar to what is experienced by Coke users and people with bi polar disorder(another diagnosis to consider in your case, although it sounds more like meds). Yes, it feels good but is unsustainable. You now have a special gift that others your age don't. You now understand how these chemicals can ruin lives.Get busy, go to college, work out, eat better. Meetings as mentioned by JB above are not a bad idea. Even if you find they are not for you, at least try it. Also, keep in mind that this should all be done under a docs supervision.Good Luck.

[AngryDan]

"I mean it's been a couple months sense I've taken adderall but I still have been drinking and doing other things on and off"

Yes, you will feel joy in the things you used to do again, yes you will feel zest for life again...but in my experience when I sustituted one drug fro another (alcohol is a drug) the process did not start.

Once I abstained from all mood or mind altering substances-it took very little time to feel life again.

I'll share something with you as an example....some here may think it's wrong to say it-but it is what it is....... SEX.
Before I had never had sex while not under the influence of some type of drug...after coming to NA-the first time I had sex "clean" (not under any influence) I was like "I've been missing out on this for 12 years???? " Screw using!! Talk about feelings and zest for life coming back!!!!
All the other joys of life came back too-caring for people, being able to be with others, the paranoia left, music, etc..etc...

For me, it took a relatively short time of abstinance for the feelings to come back....but using anything makes the whole process have to start over again.


NOONE HERE IS A DOCTOR There are no professionals in NA....so if someone in NA starts talking to you like a doctor about meds , run. Go see a real Doc if you need one.

FREEDOM starts with abstinance....NA provided me with a place to meet others who were allergic to drugs, like me, and were abstinant from them. That doesnt come from on-line chit chat.....go to a meeting with real people and faces in it. Start living life again.

By "allergic" I mean: breaking out in stupidity, paranoia, the "don't give a s**ts", empty wallet and degrading behavior.

[AngryDan]

Oh, and one more thing.....the crap that these "classes" and "addiction specialists and professionals" put out......the majority of them have never experienced what we have as addicts. They get paid and grants etc, to write stuff, put out pamphlets hold "classes"...and at the end of the day, after they fill out all their forms and enter all their data and get paid, they will all tell you to go to a NA meeting anyway.

The Theraputic value of one addict helping another is what works.

[CD BUCKBERRY]

Mageydoom.I don't know about adderall,does not sound good,but you know why you were prescribed it,not me.Going to NA meetings does work,we are all addicts,there has to be somone with the same problem as you.You can voice you problem there and get some help I hope.I used for 39 years all kinds off drugs ,it took a lot of hard work to be able to say I will have 5 years clean on 1/10/2010.Keep Coming Back It Works If You Want It.

[Will W]

Just give it a try .
I was totaly hopeless after living in active addiction for 30 years, all I wanted to do was die.
I can tell you that you will never feel normal as long as you are using any drug. Alcohol is a drug.

Jay Bee gave you the best suggestion you will ever get. Find an N.A. meeting go in and tell them what you said here then be quite and listen.
What you will find is people who used to be where you are now but have found a better way to live and these people want to help you. If I can't help someone else then no-one can help me and we're all lost.
You want to know if you will have hope amd dreams again? The answer is yes and life in recovery is way beyond my wildest dreams. I have more than I ever thought possible.
Open up your mind and give it a try dude. You have nothing to lose.

[mageydoom]

So by stay away from everything does that mean I can't even take benydril at night to get to sleep, it is a drug after all? I don't wanna find myself a couple months down the road not getting any better at all just because I've still been taking benydril even if I've stayed away from everything else. Thanks for the advice guys, it's good to know that if I really put an effort into getting better those feelings can come back. :]

Oh and my doctor prescribed me adderall because I tricked him into believing I had add to get my monthly fix... Yeah I'm a horrible person I know

[mageydoom]

I do wanna give the meetings a real shot to I just really don't know where to find these places... Would anyone mind tossing me a link or maybe a number or something to give me an idea of where I can find N.A. meetings. I live in Denver, Colorado. Much appreciated, you really are a friendly group here =)

[AngryDan]

http://www.nacolorado.org/meetings.php

Here is a link to meetings in the Denver Area. Theres lots.

[AngryDan]

http://www.gsana.org/addicted.html

Am I an addict pamphlet

http://www.na.org/admin/include/spaw2/uploads/pdf/litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3116.pdf

Read some of these...they will answer some questions for you

[mageydoom]

Thank you that's very helpful and I'm looking into what meetings I can get to. I read through those other links you gave me too, but it really didn't mention much about what I'm still wondering. If I'm trying to start recover do I have to drop everything that is a drug by this I mean things like Benydril which help me sleep and caffeine and other things of that nature. Will all those things also make me start the recovery process over? I know if I stop taking benydril I will have very bad insomnia and like never sleep >.<

[mageydoom]

I can tell you that you will never feel normal as long as you are using any drug. Alcohol is a drug.

So is over the counter sleep aids and caffeine... Do those count?

[AngryDan]

mageydoom.....

My suggestion would be this. Stop sweating the details. Get to one of those meetings.

For me, taking something on a regular basis to get to sleep (in other words, using a substance for anything other than what a physician or the intended purpose perscribed) would be not good. I don't want to be dependant on any pill.

Having said that..I smoke cigs, and drink tea.

I can get in trouble for having a pocket full of pills or driving under the influence of some kind of pill; not for smoking cigs or drinking coffee....get it?

This isnt joining a priesthood or something.

Keep it simple dude....get your ass to a meeting and listen. Pick up the free pamphlets at the meeting and read them. Talk with people who have clean time (they will ask those with a year or more clean to raise their hands at the end of the meetiung) after the meeting.
Every question is an excuse to delay the inevitable: Meetings- or- misery.

[mageydoom]

I always sweat the details though I cant help it ><

[Jay Bee]

Alex I have a question: Do you think your life is Manageable with the drugs or Unmanageable with the drugs ?

[mageydoom]

Well if I just take my adderall once a day for ADHD and don't abuse it I think it's manageable but if I do all the other **** I've been doing and abuse my adderall like I have for the past 6 years then it's unmanageable..

[Jay Bee]

Let me see if I can help you out with something....YOU said, Well if I take my Adderall once a day for ADHD, and dont ABUSE it....SO what your saying your life is unmanageable. QUESTION: Are you willing to do something about it ?

[mageydoom]

Pretty much, because there is no way I can have adderall and not abuse it ... >< it's my curse. And yes I've been willing to do something about it for awhile now I just dont know if i can...

[AngryDan]

Willingness implies action. Instead of thinking about it-do it. Get to a meeting. Recovery is there if you want it.

[bcsister]

Pretty much, because there is no way I can have adderall and not abuse it ... >< it's my curse. And yes I've been willing to do something about it for awhile now I just dont know if i can...

I was prescribed amphetamines for my ADHD. For decades.
Although I did not abuse my medication and I took my dosage AS PRESCRIBED, I DID facilitate my using with a pipe of meth for 17 years.

Growing up hearing how "unacceptable" I was without meds, I was terrified to let them go when I went into recovery. I was scared, and afraid I would end up in jail without the legal meds. However, taking the medication would trigger physical cravings and my mental obsession to use.
So I stopped the medications, as well.
i let go... asked for help! Asked someone to take me through the steps, and I went through some SERIOUS personality changes.....

I made drastic positive changes, even without meds. :D My first try at recovery got me 4 years, 8 months of sobriety.

It turns out that I DO need to take medications to help my brain chemistry even out my ADHD. This helps out in a HUGE way to help focus on the unmanageability I tend to create when I get distracted from the program.
I don't respond to anti Depressants, so I found a new non stimulant, non narcotic medication called "strattera" strattera.com for my ADHD.
By doing my stepwork, maintaining a concious contact, and the new meds, I'm looking at 1 year, 10 months now, and take pride in myself once again.

Remember, We Do Recover.

[dalin]

It is something that you folks helped me out with,I went to NA meetings
and got a sponsor.
These things I discus with him in private,because out loud you get lots of
unexperienced opinions...experience strength and Dope instead of experience strength
and hope.
Alot of addicts have no idea about medical issues.