Not sure? or am I

[katiebell]

Hello sisters !!! I havent been here in awhile. I usually get right to the point of my issue without having to bore you with all the details. But for the sake of myself and to get a clear idea I will get into detail,to an extent..... Almost a year ago I seperated from my husband who was using cocaine and with in that time he also told me he never felt emotionally connected with me and wasnt necessarily in love with me. Now some have said that he was in the midst of using and in fact all of the ten years of our relationship he never was really sober, getting healthy and really uncovering those things that bind us into our addiction etc.. none the less I always felt there was something missing. So after I got prayer here on this forum and prayed myself, counseling and insight I decided to leave not only because it was an immediate situation of safety for my daughter and myself but also because I couldnt stay and watch him use and destroy everything...crack does that, I needed to get out and I did. About that time there was a guy who was in my church recovery group, there was a mutual attraction early on and I dismissed it becasue I was still married and in the house with my husband. This guy was there in the beginning of me leaving and gave me some really sound advice..not telling me what to do, but giving support to myself and my ex. THis man is also in recovery and I see the healthyness in him and the hard work that he has done in regards to his recovery. Within a month of me moving out of my home, I started to see this man. We connected,obviously we reached out to each other to fulfill some emptyness in the emotion department as he was also in a relationship and still is....according to him there is not alot of emotional connection or healthyness there. He will barely share this stuff with me and it is thru a mutual friend that I hear about how their relationship is. So its broken..and mine is broke. As I said earlier we attend the same recovery group at church. Through out these last 8 months I have told friends, family and church in order to get perspective and also to be held accountable. We have tried several times to back off of each other, becasue Im not necessarily in a good spot emotionally and neither is he. Not to mention the fact that he is living with another women no matter the description on the relationship. On the one hand I justify this "relationship" with the fact that we give each other alot of support and comfort in many differnet levels. But I always end up at the same spot, continous pattern- sex, stop sex-try and have seperation, back to it again. I have tried to threaten him with telling her. He stayed away, went to church to discuss this with the pastor. The pastor told him that he needed to make ammends to me and then he called and then we were in bed with one another again. I hate to admit all of this, and i hate to hear myself yet again for the millionth time explaining all of this again and being in the same spot. I love him, but it is not right, at least not now. Don't get it wrong he doesnt push me and we are both very real about the reality of this situation. I don't know what to do anymore..I have reached out for accountability...I have set boundaries...I have threatend. It seems that I have done all of the above to create seperation and really move on. But have I really......no. I keep letting him back in, back around for conversation. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm to the point of telling "her" just so things can move along, not necessarily to get him out of there but for there to be some decisions. I'm so caught up.....Im just being real hear, and let me say if I may...you can be real as you like in your response but know that Im a human woman just like you...please dont be hurtful. Im really asking for ways and maybe the cold hard facts in order to break this pattern and truly move on

[zoomie]

Rebound! That is the first word I thought of. 2nd is what a jerk this other guy is for messing with you after all you have been through. I would not tell his woman, I would run and get couseling to figure out why I would get myself into another mixed up relationship after I just left one. You deserve more than you are getting and some day so will your daughter. This man is cheeting on his woman and one day if you ever do get together he will cheet on you too. These are the cold hard facts and you are cheeting with this man too no matter how bad his relationship is even if you talk to some religous man about it all. Not trying to be hurtful just factual. Your not a bad person, just a lonely one.

[katiebell]

Thanks ZOOMIE.....Yes that is the truth isnt it ! I couldnt agree more. I'm not bad but lonely yes...and I rolled it around my head last night and the last 8 months I have tried to pull away. Im in counseling and I have told her and everyone close to me in order to be able to move on. It is really difficult for me to do so with out some sort of anger to motivate me to stay away. I did have an episode that I mentioned in the post about getting angry and letting him know that if he has any contact with me I will tell her..that seems to shake him a bit, at that same time he was leading the recovery group at church. So the pastor had called him into a counseling session and talked with him about him and I...then he called to make ammendments..we missed each others comfort so much that we ended up right where we have always gone. The thing is this....this man when I talk with him about it and believe me I have talked and talked...but when I do he always comes back with he is in a process and he can't rush that process. He says " I have always ran away" and I say but it seems to me you are already running... he continues to use the sober process as his reason for not making any decisions either way...But this isnt about him is it? No... it's about me. I wish I could flip my own switch to make that decision that says cleary....this isnt healthy ..your not available.... etc.. etc.. and walk away.. and I have..then I see him at church...and at group. I don;t know how to get out of this one...I ask myself am I not holding myself accountable am I so lonely and heartbroken that I'm to weak at least at this point to walk away no matter how much love or compatibility is there. He has said himself that part of the reason he doesnt make a decision is also because he doesnt want to bring his crap into our relationship, seems to me he already has. How do you cut it off without have some obvious and rude awakening to get me to detach.

[zoomie]

Not to worry. If you do not get out on your own, something will happen to end it all on it's own. That is what happens in relationships such as this and you will be the one to end up hurt by all this. How do you do this, you do it like you did when you put down that drink and drug, one day at a time. Stick close to the people who care about you, do things to keep your mind off of him, find a new man (in time of course). Keep coming back and posting about it. Stay strong and remember he is a weasle!

[katiebell]

Well I agree with all that you said..but the weasel part. Maybe if I seperate it and write it down..the reality of it ie: weasel behavior= then I can be real about it. What are the facts-
Fact 1- he is in a relationship with someone else.
Fact2- he has been honest through out..he is not ready to commit
Fact3- he gets what a committed relationship has without the commitment,sex intimacy etc..
Fact 3- Im vulnerable and lonely not a good combo to be getting involved with anyone at this point.
Fact4- this has been going on for almost a year..nothing has changed
Fact5- he has admitted to doing this pattern before..am I just another pattern played out
Fact6- If he cared and truly loved me he would be able to hold back and respect me when I have tried to break this off
Fact6-He knows I dont hold the line
Fact 7- I deserve a healthy relationship and that involves commitment, honesty and trust
What have I left out??? I will continue to think about this
Zoomie what you said about it dissolving on its own seems true enough..am I scared of the consequences enough to stop before they play a part in this??? I keep trying,keep reaching out and trusting in honesty to others about this all. It is difficult becasue there is a real connection there and we have talked this deal out with eachother sincerely. He makes no promises to me and also says its not that he doesnt want to go further it is that he can't.

[katiebell]

Zoomie I just read your story WOW ! Thank you for sharing and lending encouragment strength and hope to the rest of us, I pray that we do the same for you !!!!!