same song and dance.........

[patrickst78]

to whom is better off than i

hey gang, im still trying to get back on my grind. its really hard. ive moved to boston with dreams and hopes of a better life. i am still having a hard time saying stopped. i hate the life i have chosen, i dont ask how or why. i just only want to stop when im sick, yet when times are good and money is flowing my first thought is gettin loose! why and how can i stop the insanity, i look for help on here but sometimes feel people are too far along to remember the pain. idk any suggestions?

[zoomie]

We remember the pain well that is why we stay stopped! We can only help so much,the rest is up to you.

[IndianG]

I never forget where i come from but i don't dwell on the past either....... I remember the vicious cycle.
For me i finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired it got to the point where it was more bad things happening than good.
I tried quitting many times on my own power but the result was always the same.........eventually i got drunk.
Always some excuse to drink.....she pissed me off or boredom, loneliness, isolation, happy times, sad times, weddings, funerals ....you name it and i drank over it.
Lost relationships, lost jobs,lost friends, homes.........king alcohol robbed me of everything and almost took my life.
It was the great obsession of the mind and the allergy of the body and countless vain attempts to prove i could drink like other people that finally had me on my knees asking for help.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control are drinking we get worse never better with out help it is to much for us.
Self will is none existent against the first drink so i had to look beyond myself for that power and i found that in God.
I had to bow down and surrender and admit alcohol had kicked my butt and and my life was screwed up.
Self, self-centered, selfish, pride & ego, fear and a whole slew of other issues had to be examined before i could stay sober and live a life free from alcohol.
I had to clean house and get right with God and that took action on my part.
With me and other alcoholics we are not disciplined and we run the show on self will and it creates Hugh problems when things don't go our way.
AA suggests the 12 steps and a sponsor and phone numbers, meetings and NOT hanging around slippery places or so-called friends who drink and party.........Why hang out with people who are drinking? or Partying? comes a time when we grow up and get responsible and be self supporting and help others who are still suffering.
The disease gets worse never better.......its progressive and will be until the day they bury me, i will always be an alcoholic who can not drink.

[clean42day]

for me it was always something.....He hurt me, I felt sorry for myself, I derserved to celebrate - after time and many wasted years - any old excuse would do - I was bored - I was excited, the sky is blue - it's raining today.....then guess what?

it was not about excuses anymore.....and I had lost the power of choice to drink or use or not - I had crossed that invisible line....and I NEEDED mind altering chemicals to get normal and make it thought my day.

After I had destroyed everything in my life that was of value to me - I couldn't think of a single reason to get sober or stay clean......do you really want to travel down that road of progression and desperation?
This disease is chronic, progressive, and fatal.......if you continue on the path - you will not be the exception to the rule.....you will eventually die this way.

Yes I remember.........coming from upper middle class family values and ending up homeless on the streets for 14 years.....abandoning every last shred of dignity and self respect I had. having regular members of society walk by me - like I was an invisible piece of garbage....... I remember the isolation, the pain, the self hatred....of what I had allowed my life to become.
I remember hating to wake up and face another day...and I remember being fearful to go to sleep - cause I would wake up sober and couldn't stand being in my own skin......I remember....................:frown:

and I also remember looking back upon my life from that very desperate place and thinking there was a time that you described in your post above- the place where you are at - that place where excuses still worked to insulate me from the truth in sweet denial. sometimes that kind of denial and pain become so familiar - that it becomes like a long lost friend we return to.
but I can never return - I can never return to where you are - to before the fine line that I crossed....I can never go back to the days where I could choose to drink or use for that day. Looking back I lost that power at the age of 26. I didn't get clean and sober till the age of 41.

and I will never forget the very last day of my using - when the handcuffs were clamped down on my wrists - the "click click" of the locks sliding into place....for the 14th time in my drinking and using career I was arrested/rescued from my own self destruction - but that last day was different........I was no longer ashamed or afraid - I was relieved that the war inside me was over.....I surrendered to the truth and the very next day was my first day of inner freedom. Freedom from the excuses...freedom from the tug of war of this disease...and freedom that I finally surrendered with all my heart to a new way of life.

Someone once told me - if you can see your next bottom - why hit it?

Patrick - look ahead just a bit - if you don't stop what will your life look like a year from now - 5 years from now?????? at the very least you will arrive at the very same place a year from now - posting the same thing and wondering how a whole year was lost - and you made no progress at all.

and now imagine you are free from the obsession to drink or use....what will your life look like without being a slave to a bottle or a pipe or needle?

sounds like you still have the power of choice in your life .....so if you can see your next bottom why hit it?

Imagine your life with no choices as so many people in the rooms describe - what would that feel like to you? to not even be able to blame it on an excuse anymore?

What is so precious to me these days is - the INNER freedom I feel to be able to tell myself the truth and then act in ways that are honorable to my life, my spirit, and my body. My life began at the age of 41 - how many years do you want to spin your wheels before your real life begins?

light and love

Gail

[hetiheti]

i think you are all so brave sharing your past life - or loss of life - patrick, keep a journal of your bad days and read them on your good days to remind you - i think this site is wonderful and i am so grateful to be part of it.
hang in there patrick - aroha, hetiheti:17:

[janbear]

like others i still remember the pain and insanity of using and drinking from active addiction. I felt so alone. I felt sorry for myself alot and was mad at the world. I could no longer live with the drugs, or without them. I was at a jumping off place. I hit a bottom and I found a new way to live through the 12-step program and going to meetings and getting a sponsor to guide me.

Halloween night is the anniversary of my very first meeting, i remember it like it was yesterday.

Dont give up before the miracle happens for you! You asked for suggestions, i suggest going to AA meetings.

[sonia n]

Hello Patrickst78'
I keep up front the pain, what I was like before I went to detox and how sick I was... NEVER EVER FORGET IT!!! It saves alot of addicts/alcoholics lives. To Thine ownself be true. BE REAL!!!! This is a process we are never going to recover. ACCEPT that you have a problem and then SURRENDER
As much as I feel unhappy about certain situations in my life, I do not use because if I do it will just make the situation WORST!! I BELIEVE that anyone can do this if they just SURRENDER!! I remember when I was active I used everyday and I used everyday it is funny when I think about the times holidays would come and I would say tomorrow is CHRISTMAS and I am going to get high, how crazy was that. I have been having a difficult time since September and as much as I just want to numb my feelings I don't I do not want to DIE!!! In the beginning of this post I shared about keeping it real, I'll end with this on top of me feeling like crap, I heard my son tell a friend of mine" I love my moms cooking! he continued to say I remember when my mother was using and when she would cook I would eat so much, because I did not know when my next meal is going to be."
I did NOT remember that but this is what helps me stay clean!!!! THAT PAIN!!! DON'T give up on yourself!1 If you were truly happy ask yourself this "WHY ARE YOU HERE"

GOD BLESS

[Chewi]

I can relate Patrick. I have been the in and out queen for the past two years. Today I went to my first meeting in several months. Funny how everything said today was said just to me! I heard that word "painstaking" for the first time. If we were painstaking ... well who wants pain? They said you have to make some effort. I was just taking it and going home and then going on my merry way. So I prayed for strength, and at the end of the meeting I finally walked up to someone and asked for a temporary sponsor.

I am not going to compete with whoever goes to the most meetings or does the steps the fastest, but I am going to follow the suggestions of others so that I put forth that effort myself, so that I keep taking those steps that prove my commitment.

This effort, I know, will be easier than the effort of sneaking to the State Store and sneaking bottles into the house and sneaking drinks and sneaking around. If I can make that effort, then why can't I make the effort toward recovery?

I do have to accept that I am an alcoholic and I have to surrender.

I hope you find your way. I am starting again on my journey to find mine.

[sioux]

My worst drunks were sunny days, money in my pocket, full tank of gas.

I had to get involved in AA. I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I remember the pain. I still feel the pains of growing up.

Getting sober was easy; staying sober was the hardest thing I had/have ever done. I couldn't do it alone, and until I could surrender to that mindset, I had no choice but to drink.

If someone like me can do this, you can too. But there is a method and a process. It is not overnight. It takes dedication, commitment and hard work....one day at a time; minute by minute at times.