Fed up

[Toyota24]

Hello all, i am posting in the newbie forum b/c i feel like one (and really am). I have been in and out of the rooms and honestly the only thing i have gotten from them, whether a curse or a blessing not sure, is to NOT drink/use. So I have been sober over 5 years now but i feel like i have not grown socially whatsoever. The rest of my life financially is much better but spirtually and socially i am a coward, wreck. Basically i have gone back and forth and realize that idon't have enough motiviation to work with a sponsor and do the steps so i am not even going to try again. My question as kinda depressing as it sounds:

should i hold out and "wait for the miracle" (it would be a very large one) and stay a dry drunk, very lonely living alone and not talking to people (occasionally i will go out with team in training etc but most of the time i am silent b/c i am too god **** self-conscise, alchohol fixes that very quickly and i feel like myself and careless in front of strangers).

or should i just frequin drink and see what happens. I still feel like drinking is the soultion to my problems which will inevitably end of in some disasters but honestly at this point i don't really care. My life is so boring and pointless right now it is not really worth living (no i am not really suicidal).

I also get extremely self conscise at meetings and hoonestly was only going to them so i could meet a girl yet problem is i can't talk to them. So literally after 2 years of going to meetings its like HELLO you will not get anything if you don't say anything so i gave up going.

the books says drink if your not convinced. It doesn't sound like i want it and i am not 100% sure i am an alchoholic, just about 90%. I think my mine problem is my social phobia that i am trying to fix but i dunno. Anyway starting to ramble, thanks for reading.

[onzeaout]

Hello all, i am posting in the newbie forum b/c i feel like one (and really am). I have been in and out of the rooms and honestly the only thing i have gotten from them, whether a curse or a blessing not sure, is to NOT drink/use. So I have been sober over 5 years now but i feel like i have not grown socially whatsoever. The rest of my life financially is much better but spirtually and socially i am a coward, wreck. Basically i have gone back and forth and realize that idon't have enough motiviation to work with a sponsor and do the steps so i am not even going to try again. My question as kinda depressing as it sounds:

should i hold out and "wait for the miracle" (it would be a very large one) and stay a dry drunk, very lonely living alone and not talking to people (occasionally i will go out with team in training etc but most of the time i am silent b/c i am too god **** self-conscise, alchohol fixes that very quickly and i feel like myself and careless in front of strangers).

or should i just frequin drink and see what happens. I still feel like drinking is the soultion to my problems which will inevitably end of in some disasters but honestly at this point i don't really care. My life is so boring and pointless right now it is not really worth living (no i am not really suicidal).

I also get extremely self conscise at meetings and hoonestly was only going to them so i could meet a girl yet problem is i can't talk to them. So literally after 2 years of going to meetings its like HELLO you will not get anything if you don't say anything so i gave up going.

the books says drink if your not convinced. It doesn't sound like i want it and i am not 100% sure i am an alchoholic, just about 90%. I think my mine problem is my social phobia that i am trying to fix but i dunno. Anyway starting to ramble, thanks for reading.

I am a newbie (35 days). My reasons for coming into the rooms is still very fresh in my mind. I am not comfortable with a sponsor and the reason is I have serious trust issues and don't except doctrine without question.

I can understand how you are feeling. I think most of are awkward in new situations. Is there anything in particular about yourself that triggers these feelings of potential rejection (I have a list)? Do you have an interest or hobby that could be an ice breaker? Do you work outside of your home?

I too live alone and don't have a significant other. I don't have too many friends I see but I do have family around (sometimes good sometimes not so good. I go to different meetings I like one alot and others were no good for me of uninspiring, I continue to try more. I am not a caller, especially of strangers but I reach out occasionally and I am getting better at it. Getting to the meetings early and staying later, asking others how they feel (i find that is a great ice breaker, people like to talk about themselves).

A little chat to let you know you are not alone.

[zoomie]

Hey, just to let you know there are other programs out there other than the 12 steps. If the 12 sreps are not working for you the try something els. There is Smart recovery or just google up "recovery" or go to soberrecovery.com and they have a forum just for recovery without the 12 steps. Not everyone can get the 12 steps. The above poster is right though, how do you know if it works if you do not work it? Please don't go out and drink, thats not an answer! Keep searching til you find the right path!

[Toyota24]

onezeaout - thank you for your response. I actually really like one of the girls on my team in training team that i have been going to for last 3-4 months or so. Even in all that time i still nearly shake around her like an afraid dog. I have talked to her and sometimes i feel half confident and others i cannot even look at her b/c maybe i don't trust myself and might get lost in her eyes (i know sounds cheesy but so much can be seen in the eyes).

My primary fear in people is that i will say something stupid. Not necessarily rejection. Problem is when i am nervous i am not myself AT ALL and i say really dumb things and sound like a really depressed person. Its like someone takes over my mind. It is really really hard for me to put together sentences. When i speak it takes tons of courage and usually doesn't come out right and i immediately correct with a better statement. anyone else go through this?

I must say, i have a great family and feel 100% comfortable around them. i have 1 friend who i feel comfortable around but he has an ego thats absoultely huge.

intothelight: thank you for your post. I do see your point i am just not sure motivation is there. I have tried 3 times with sponsors and actually gone through all steps to step 9 where i think i stalled a bit as if i give amends to someone i may go to jail (not that bad of a thing i did but worthy of going to jail).. I just don't feel anything with them and nothing seems to stick, it is verry verry hard for me to completely change (hence large miracle). Maybe i will go back again by my motivation is leading more to drinking then the rooms. But honestly i did give a large effort to the steps and did 1, 2 and 3 and was praying everyday but i dunno what happened really.

[skyhook]

I am very self contained by nature, because I was trained from birth. I'm like the kid who can play in the corner for hours and not notice the time going by. There are apsects of this quality that are a benefit and others that are detrimental in relationships.

One of the spiritual markers of my recovery journey, was to realize that shyness was part of my makeup and it prevented me from entering into meaningful exchange or relationship. This concept dangled in my brain for a few years, before it was finally dealt with, when a trusted councelor told me my shyness was a form of pride. I had never heard shyness equated to pride before and, for me, it was key to growth in becoming less absorbed with myself, my needs, etc...

Pride, and all the fears it protects, kept me from being vulnerable and transparent around others, so as to protect the illusion of image. And besides, being shy sounded so much better than being prideful. Pride, unchecked, is a problem.

Once you find your particular trusted mechanism, steps or means to pursue the deeper levels of recovery, I would suggest considering vulnerablility and transparency as a friends of the journey. Taking myself less seriously took time, but it removed a lot of pressure also. Pressure to perform, or flee, or judge, or counsel, or know, or fail.

Personally, I have found more growth and traction in my failures than any of my successes, because the successess are built on a foundation of failure. I know, sounds weird and all the "positive thinkers" around here are shutting off this thread right now. As self medicators, we are huge risk takers, so it is a natural extension to find benefit and reward in taking new, positive risks.
Risks are calculated. We have to learn and weigh the risk to reward ratio. Using the risk as a baseline, we calculate the possible result (reward) for an action. If the reward outweighs the risk, then go for it.

Since my pride (masked as shyness) never served a good purpose and the only thing at stake was letting someone else know what I already knew about myself, it was easy to take a risk, drop my guard and proceed. Was it scary, YES!

And here is the best part: Once I began sharing transparently, I found my ability to hear others increased tremendously. Not only that, I was able to understand that I was not so flippin' unique or alone in my struggles. I now could hear better, the stories of others...stories of their journey that became a piece of the roadmap that would lead me out. We build our own roadmaps though the guiding hand of our HP and by "quilting" together pieces of others journeys to work the puzzle. Sometimes, we are offered advice or pieces of someone elses "journey quilt" that does not fit into our tapestry. Its ok to politely pass and move on. But keep building your quilt, none the less.

I'm still shy (prideful) by nature, but have learned to override the natural instinct and replace it with better choices of expression. When I met my wifes family 8 years ago, I did not really speak alot to them for the first year. They asked my wife what was up with that, but eventually I warmed up and started freely yapping.

Now, I think they'd (and maybe some in my CR family) rather not know so much about me :cool: