more language of letting go for November

[shadowlady861]

Learn to say I am

"This is for you," my friend said on my birthday.

I opened the tiny box with that feeling most women get when they know they're about to receive jewelry. I was right. I lifted out the necklace and held it in my hand.

"Read the brochure that comes with it," my friend encouraged.

I picked up the tiny leaflet. The necklace was more than a piece of jewelry. It was an ancient symbol that represented self-confidence-- that intangible thing that can so easily enhance, or distract from, our ability to joyfully and peacefully live our lives.

It was exactly the reminder I needed.

The next day, I drove to the airport for my flying lesson. I wasn't exhilerated to be flying that day, but I wasn't dreading it, either. I was simply living each moment. It was time for me to get into the pilot's seat and fly the plane.

I taxied down the runway, then pushed in the throttle, wearing the self-confidence medallion around my neck. The plane lifted happily into the air. I gently took us up to five thousand five hundred feet. Following Rob's instructions, I turned left, steeply. Then I did a steep turn to the right. I did a power-on stall, something that had horrified me in the past, then a power-off stall. The airplane and my flying worked.

It was a breakthrough day in flying. Until then, I had been acting as if, going through the motions, making myself fly. Today, I genuinely enjoyed my time in the air.

The necklace didn't have any power. The power came from remembering to believe in myself.

It's easy to give up confidence in ourselves. We can give it to people from the past who encouraged us to not believe in ourselves. We can give it to mistakes we've made, building a solid case against ourselves based on some lessons we went through, past errors in judgement, and learning experiences. We can forfeit our confidence to a traumatic event-- like a divorce, a death, or a loss.

Don't panic.

Breath.

Stop saying, I can't.

Part of the language of letting go is learning to say, I can.

Give the gift of confidence to yourself.


God, I believe in you. Now help me learn to believe in myself,too.

[shadowlady861]

Yes, you can

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
--Step Two

Oh, no. I couldn't possibly do that.

Well, maybe I could try.

I guess I can do it, but not very well.

I'm doing it, but I'm very, very frightened.

Oh, my, I'm doing it better.

Oops! I made a mistake. Guess I can't do it either.

Oh well. I'll try again.

See! I'm not doing any better this time.

Okay, I'll try one more time. Maybe twice.

Hey look! I'm pretty good!

I guess I can do it, after all.

Wow! This is really fun.


There's a learning curve for anything we want to learn to do. We don't just know how to do something and do it well.

One good reason to have a Higher Power is that He or She believes in us, even when we don't believe in ourselves. We don't just need to come to believe in God. We need to come to believe in ourselves.

Let your I can't turn into an I can. Take all the time you need. Learn to enjoy the process of coming to believe you can. Be patient. Accept where you are in your learning curve today.


God, please grant me a humble confidence that allows me to enjoy the gift of life, myself, and all the things you've given me to do.

[shadowlady861]

You're learning something new

"What are we supposed to be looking for?" Stanley asked him.
" You're not looking for anything. You're digging to build character."...
[Stanley] glanced helplessly at his shvel. It wasn't defective. He was defective.
--Louis Sachar,Holes

Sometimes when faced with a difficult obstacle in life-- a new job, new school, new anything-- it's easy to feel overwhelmed and to start believing the worst about ourselves. Maybe we really don't have what it takes after all, we think. Maybe we should just stay where we are-- whether we like that place or not.

One of the wonderful things about being human is our ability to adapt to new situations. Another is our ability to change and grow.

What new situation is facing you? Whether it's beginning a recovery process, starting a new job, going for your master's degree, learning to be divorced, or learning to be a happy spouse, you're up to whatever life is asking you to do.

It is important to start at the beginning of things, and often that means feeling ill prepared for the task ahead. That's good. If you were completely comfortable with everything going on around you, then chances are you wouldn't be growing and learning anything new.

Be aware of how you talk to yourself, whether you're telling yourself I can or I can't. Then let the words be filled with cheerful confidence. Recognize any feelings that prevent you from believing in yourself. Then let those feelings go. Let go of fear and feeling overwhelmed.

You can learn the new task. You can harmonize with your new boss. You can learn to take care of yourself. You can. You can. And you will. You can and will grow into this role.

You're not defective. Neither is your shovel. Grab it, and dig in.


God, give me the strength and the confidence to grow, learn, and see the wonder of this world.

[shadowlady861]

Let yourself be uncomfortable

"It seems as though everything you do for fun terrifies you," my friend Andy said to me one day. "What's that about?"

I thought about his question. It was true. Flying scared me. Jumping out of that airplane for the first time was a terrifying prospect. I wasn't comfortable at all. I started hyperventilating and thought I was having a heart attack, at first.

The first day I decided to be sober and clean and not use alcohol or drugs anymore, I was faced with changing my entire life. The prospect of starting this new life scared me to death.

The day my divorce from the children's father was finalized, I was exhilarated for one moment, then I was terrified. I had an anxiety attack and called 911.

I was paralized with fear the first day I sat at my cubicle at the newspaper office staring at the blank screen while the deadline for the front-page story I'd been assigned was only two hours away.

"It's not that I'm an adrenaline junkie," I said to my friend. "At least the issue isn't entirely that. It's that everything new and worthwhile I've ever done on my path has required me to be uncomfortable and sometimes downright scared for a while. I've had to walk through a wall of fear."

I enjoy creating a comfortable place to live with downfilled sofas and beds that make me feel like I'm sleeping in the clouds. Learning to relax and learning to identify what makes us comfortable is an important part of learning to take good care of ourselves.

But sometimes we need to leave that nice, comfy, cozy place.

"I can't do this. I'm not comfortable," I'd say time and time again to my flight instructor Rob as he insisted that I take the controls of the plane.

"Yes you can," he'd say, not feeding into my fear. "Just breathe. And relax."

Sometimes fear is a good thing. It warns us of real dangers and imminent threats. It tells us"don't do that" or "stay away."

Sometimes afraid and uncomfortable is just how we're feeling because we're learning something new. Relax. Breathe deeply. Do it-- whatever it is--anyway. You're supposed to feel that way.

Is your fear based on an intuitive feeling of self-protection or something new and unknown? If your fear isn't based on a legitimate threat, then get comfortable feeling uncomfortable.

Walk through your wall of fear.

Do the thing that scares you. Grow. Then check your fear and do it again.


God, teach me to overcome my fears. Help me mature by becoming comfortable with the discomfort of growth.

[shadowlady861]

A miracle is taking place

One evening, I was sitting with my children around the dinner table. Shane was talking about his plans for the next day. Nichole was planning a pajama party. I was working on some project at that time. I was partly thinking about it but still enjoying listening to the children talk.

It was a friendly, relaxed supper. Later, I put the children to bed and quietly went to my room, peacefully getting ready to retire for the night.

That's when it hit me. Like the proverbial bolt of lightening, it struck out of the blue.

I was so terrified when I had begun the journey of being a single parent. After ten years of being married, I was scared of little things like sleeping alone in bed at night and falling asleep without a man in the house.

Sometimes I went to bed with the phone in my hand, ready to dial 911. Everything about this new life as a single parent had overwhelmed me. I didn't feel up to the task. But somewhere along the line, I had come to believe I could. I didn't know when it had happened. It wasn't a instant transformation. It had happened slowly, bit by bit.

"Woohoo!" I said, doing a victory dance in the room.

"I didn't think I could do this. But I can and I am."

Celebrate the miracle of transformation in your life-- whatever you're trying to become,do, or learn. Let it happen as quickly, or as slowly, as it needs.

Day by day, month by month, then year after year, the feeling of quiet confidence will slowly replace the overwhelming fear. That task or job that first seemed so overwhelming will begin to feel natural and right. You'll gradually become so comfortable you may not even know when that miraculous transformation took place.

Enjoy where you are today in your process of growth. You might not see it or know it yet, but an ordinary miracle is taking place.


God, thank you for where I am in my learning curve and growth process today. Help me know that whether I see it or not, a miracle is taking place.

[shadowlady861]

Become willing

There's nothing against you to fall down flat.
But to lie there-- that's disgrace.
--Edmond Vance Cooke

Sonetimes the problem isn't that we don't believe we can. The problem is that we don't want to do it, whatever the current task or challenge is.

When I began my writing and recovery, I wanted to do these things. The challenge was invigorating. I wanted to get back up. I wanted to push ahead. I wanted to get into the game.

When my son Shane died, I didn't want to get up.

I didn't want the challenge. It wasn't invigorating. I didn't want the loss, and I didn't want to heal from my grief.

One day in those painful, awful early years of grief, a friend stopped by the house. I had known him for a long time. He had suffered a permanent loss,too-- the use of his leg muscles from a form of polio he had suffered during his teenage years.

People hadn't known what to do with me back then. They had watched me flounder in my grief. They had tried to be compassionate, and that was good. But right now compassion wasn't exactly what I needed to hear.

"You've got to get up," my friend said in a loud voice. "You've got to get back up on your feet again. Stand up to life."

Sometimes life's problems and challenges are invigorating. Sometimes they're not. But no matter what we get hit with, we need to get up again.

Let yourself grieve. Let yourself become enraged over your losses, if you must. Then, whether you want the loss or not, get back up again. You don't have to want to, you don't even have to believe you can. Sometimes all we need to do is be open to wanting to and then believe we can.


God, help me believe in life.

[shadowlady861]

What can you do?

Mr. Potter celebrated his hundredth birthday by doing a bungee jump from a 210 foot tower. When his physician of many years adivsed him against it, he simply got a new doctor.
-- Stella Resnick, The Pleasure Zone

I almost have the local record for number of tandems jumped. A tandem is a skydive you do attached to your jump master. The harness hooks you to the front of him, all you do is go along for the ride. I've done a lot of my training during tandems, to get body memory of how to skydive and to build my confidence.

I haven't met the woman who actually holds the tandem record for the area, but I've heard about her. I've done twenty-eight. She's done many more. She even participates in skydiving team events doing tandems.

When she's on the ground, she's labeled a paraplegic. In the air she can fly.

Sure, there are things we can't do, things we can't have, and things we really want. Stop worrying about those things, there's an even longer list of things we can do and have.

What sounds good to you?

No matter what our limitations or disabilities or what we can't have in life, we can fulfill our purpose and have some fun while we're doing it.

If Mr. Potter and the tandem record holder can, so can you.


God, please show me what I can do.

[shadowlady861]

Take the lid off the box

The world shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
--Anais Nin

First you crawled; then you learned to walk, and the world grew a little bigger. You learned to ride a bike, and it grew even more. Then you learned to drive a car and bought a plane ticket. Suddenly, the horizons were limitless. But then, those doubts crept in. I can't go to L.A. I'll never find my way around. And the world shrinks a little bit. I shouldn't take that trip this year; I've got too many responsibilities. And it shrinks a little more. Enough excuses and rationlizations and you're left sitting in a little box with the lid tightly affixed.

No experiences, no lessons, no life.

Boxes can be comfortable. I've spent some time in them myself. But no matter how cozy you make it, a box is still a box. They come in all sizes and shapes. But whenever we start letting unrealistic fears hold us back and down, we can be fairly certain we're climbing inside another box, again. It may take a while, but sooner or later we'll run into the walls.

Find one small I can't in your life and take the lid off of the box. Look around. It's a big world out there. If it looks small, it's because you've made it that way. Try for a minor impossibility. Go apply for that dream job. The worst that will happen is that you'll learn something new about yourself. If you don't actually get the job, you may find out what it will take to get it, and then the world will grow when you stop wishing for a miracle and begin pursuing your dreams yourself. Pick up some brochures for that photo safari you've always wanted to take. Learn how to speak a foreign language. One woman I know had claustrophobia. For her birthday this year, she rode in a elevator for the first time. Then she went back and did it again.

Go ahead. Poke the top off from your box. Stick your head out. Look around. See! The world is a marvelous, amazing place.

Find a fear, then turn it into a ladder. Get out of the box of doubt and insecurity and into the freedom of courage and belief in yourself.


God, give me the courage to climb out of my box.

[shadowlady861]

Lighten up some more

On the last day of my retreat, I told the guestmaster that I didn't think that I would be able to get back soon because I didn't have the time. He came right back with "The problem isn't TIME; the problem is HEAVINESS." He turned and went downstairs returning with a little carpet. "Here take this. It is a magic carpet. If you sit on it and let go of your heaviness, you can go anywhere you want. It's not a question of time." I have come to know that this is true. People laugh at me when I tell them. Will you laugh too? All right. Then stay there.
--Theophane the Monk, Tales of a Magic Monastery

Often the problem in our lives isn't time; it's heaviness.

We aren't too busy. In reality, we're too worried, obsessed, doubtful, overly concerned, and afraid.

Release all that heaviness in your mind and heart. Let it sink away so you can stand free from its weight. When all that heaviness drops away, you can float through and above your ordinary life. You'll decide how you want to live rather than letting the circumstances of the day control you.

Find the heaviness in your life, the overpowering worry that ties you down, and then let it go. Are you fraid that you will be laid off from your job? You either will or you won't, but all the worry does is stifle your creative flow.

Find the heaviness; let it drop away. Then get on your magic carpet and sail through your day.

God, help me lighten my load by letting go of worry, doubt, and fear. Help me learn the power of quiet confidence. Teach me to say I can.

[shadowlady861]

Find a way to say I can

Slowly I began to see that many of the boxes I found myself in were of my own making. I tended to construct them, crawl in, then wonder who I could blame for putting me there. Who did this to me? I would wonder and sometimes ask aloud. That's when I'd hear the answer: You did, Melody. You put yourself in this box. Now it's up to you to get out.
--Melody Beattie, Stop Being Mean to Yourself

Each of us has our own degree of freedom. We have certain things we can do and certain things we can't. Sometimes this freedom fluctuates at different times in our lives. Sometimes we are bound by our responsibilities to other people. Sometimes we have financial limitations. Sometimes we're limited by what our body can or cannot do at any given point in time.

Alcoholics who know they cannot drink because they lose control when they do are people who are in touch with their power. They can't drink, but they get to have a manageable life instead.

Healthy, happy people know and recognize what they can do and what they truly can't-- at least not without unwanted repercussions. But sometimes we put too many limitations on ourselves. We look around. Because we're so used to accepting our limitations, we automatically tell ourselves, I can't do that, so I can't do anything else.

I've been to the house, touched the rock collection, of the author George Sands who lived in southern France years and years ago during a time when women had few rights. It turned out that George was really a woman who took on a man's name so she could write and sell her books. Her legend and her books still live on.

Identify what you legitimately can't do or what you'd be better off and more powerful if you didn't. Learn to live within those limitations. That's how you'll own your power.

But don't stop there. Look around and see what you can do,too. Be creative. Knowing what we truly can't do is often a stepping stone to discovering what we can do.


God, help me own my power by surrendering to what I can't do. Then help me own my power some more by discovering what I can.

[shadowlady861]

Create a path with heart

"I've reached my career and family goals," a successful woman in her late thirties said. "Now it's time to start taking care of myself. I'm going to begin by resolving to spend one hour each week doing something I want to do."

One hour? What a small percentage of time to devote to doing what we want. Yet, how easy it is to fall into the trap of denying what we want to do. We may call it God's will for our lives. We may legitimately be in a situation where our responsibilities, including our commitments to other people, consume much of our time. And sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do to accomplish the things we want.

The trap is when our entire life begins to shift over to the "should be doing" category. This is what I should be doing in my career; this is what I should be doing for my family; this is where I should live; and this is probably how I should spend my spare time. This is what I should be doing in my religion, or spirituality; this is what I should be doing with my money, time, and energy.

Who said?

Take a moment. Examine whose should's are running your life. Are the things you tell yourself you need to be doing true expressions of your legitimate goals, responsibilties, and commitments? Or have you wandered so far away from yourself that your life is no longer a genuine expression of who you are, and what you want, in your heart?

How many hours a week do you spend doing what you want to be doing or doing what you need to be doing to have what you want-- whether that's sobriety, a family, or the career that's right for you? How many hours each week are spent doing what you think you should be doing, whether you need to or not?

Getting the things you want in life entails responsibility. We need to tend to our liberations-- the career we want, the family life we want, and our avocations, as well. Tend to the things we've set free. But, don't forget to tend to the liberation of yourself,too. Maybe the things you're grumbling about doing are part of doing what you want. If that's the case, stop grumbling and thank God. Maybe you've forgotten that the things you're doing are what you really want to do. But maybe when you asses your daily life, you'll realize that some of the things you're doing aren't necessary, aren't what you want, and won't lead to where you want to go. You're telling yourself you have to, but you don't.

Start today by spending one hour doing something you want to do. In time, you may want to increase that to two hours a day. Eventually, you may get to that place where your should's intersect with your wants. that's when you've created and are walking a path with heart.


God, help me find a path with heart; help me walk the one I'm on with heart.

[shadowlady861]

Use your connections

As I glanced through the pages of a writer's magazine one morning, I realized how important this magazine had been in my life. When I began writing back in the late seventies, I had no writer friends. I was on my own with a dream and a sketchy one at that. But by reading this monthly magazine aimed at aspiring writers, I knew I wasn't alone. Other people had done what I wanted to do; they had started where I was. This magazine was an important part of my believing I can.

From time to time, we all need connections that help us believe. If we're beginning recovery from an issue like codependency or chemical dependency, our group meetings help us believe I can. If you're learning a new skill, like skydiving or flying a plane, sometimes talking to someone that can remember what it felt like to be unsure, awkward, and unskilled goes much further than talking to someone that can only remember being in mastery of the craft.

One day at the drop zone, I grabbed a man who had jumped out of an airplane over ten thousand times. "I'm so scared each time I jump," I said. "Is it normal to be that afraid?" This skydiving professional-- who was so assured and respected-- looked at me and smiled. "I was so frightened my first one hundred jumps that I couldn't even breathe!"

When you're trying to believe you can, whether it's believing you can stay sober for the next twenty-four hours, learning to take care of yourself, being a single parent, being in a good relationship, learning to write, learning to type, or learning to jump out of a plane, make good solid connections to people, places, and things that help you believe I can.

And if you run into someone who's walking a path that you've already walked, remember and share how it felt in the beginning so they can come to believe.


God, thank you for sending me the connections I need. Let me be of service whenever possible by being honest and speaking from my heart so I can be a good connection, as well.

Activity: Make a list of your connections. What are the areas in your life where you want to believe you can do it? Examples might be sobriety, taking care of yourself, being a single parent, learning to write, learning to be in a relationship, going through a divorce, surviving the loss of a loved one, getting your finances in order, or learning to speak a new language. Once you have your list of I can's, list in detail your present or potential connections for coming to believe. For instance, in recovery from chemical dependency, your connections might include your Twelve Step groups, the Big Book, a daily meditation book, a counselor, some recovering friends, and a medallion you recieved-- whether it's for one hour or one day. If you're learning a new skill, your connections might include a teacher, a friend, a book that's particularly helpful and encouraging, a magazine, and a piece of writing you've already done that either has been published or received good responses from friends. This list is solely to help you believe you can. Once you have your connection lists written, use them whenever you need a big dose of I can.

[shadowlady861]

Set the switches yourself

One day when I was getting ready to do a coached skydive, my coach sat me down. He gave me an exercise to do.

"When I skydive," he said, "I go into my switch room, and I set the switches where I want them to be. He explained how he set his alertness and awareness switch at about eight. If he put it any higher, all the way up to ten, he said he became too tense, hyper vigilant.

For many years, we've let people push our buttons. Why don't we try setting these switches ourselves instead?

Create a switch panel for yourself. Let the switches indicate the issues you'd like to work on. You might create one switch for fear. Don't turn it all the way off. You need some fear to help be your guide. Maybe set the fear switch at two, or a level you're comfortable with. Then go to the switch that says humble confidence. Maybe set that one at eight. Then go to the having fun and playing switch. How about cranking that one up to ten?

Create switches for any attribute in your life that you'd like to turn up or turn down. Then, from time to time, go in there and make sure the switches are still set and your circuit breaker is turned on.


God, help me own my power.

[shadowlady861]

There's freedom in letting go

Sometimes we gain freedom not only by letting go ourselves, but by helping someone else let go of us.

A child rounds a corner on her little purple bike, one training wheel clattering on the sidewalk, the other high in the air. Her father calls her over and tells her that today is special. Today, she has finally outgrown those training wheels and will learn to ride the bike like the big kids! Tears follow the happy news.

"But what if I fall? Or I can't balance? I'm not ready!" she complains.

Finally, after many assurances that he will be right beside her, she lets daddy take the wheels off.

At first he holds tightly to the bike, and she sits there frozen, unable to pedal, rigidly gripping the handlebars.

"Relax," he says. "It's okay. I'm right here by your side."

She relaxes. Then she starts to pedal. Dad releases his grip slightly. He lets go and runs alongside. She looks over and laughs. "Daddy, don't let go! I'll fall." And then, the inevitable happens, she falls.

But she gets back up. He holds on again. And Again. And again. Until near suppertime, daddy runs beside, lets go of the bike, slows to a walk, and watches his little girl ride off on two wheels.

Is there something or someone in your life that you need to let go of in order to grow? Is the someone you need to help let go of you? Sometimes it's tempting to keep people dependent on us. It makes us feel needed and powerful. It makes us feel good. But it may be holding them and us back.

Go ahead. It's time. Take off the training wheels. Help them ride off into the sunset. Set both of you free.


God, help me resist the temptation to keep people dependent on me. Give me the courage to help other people let go of me.

[shadowlady861]

Teach others they can,too

One good way to help ourselves believe we can is by helping others learn they can,too.

Some of us call this "being of service."

In Twelve Step programs, they call this "carrying the message." No matter how much recovery time we have, we can share our experience, strength, and hope with others. We can tell them how we were set free, how it felt in the beginning, and how it feels now, so they'll believe they can do it,too.

I've found even in skydiving that it helps me to share my experience, strength, and hope with sky divers newer to the sport than I am. When I am telling them that it's okay, that they can do it, I'm really telling myself I can do it,too.

Often in my everyday life, the things I'm telling others they need to do, or can learn, are the very things I need to be telling myself. Repetition forms belief. If we tell others, we're telling ourselves. The belief in them grows stronger. The belief in us is strengthened,too.

Some people say, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." That may be true. But sometimes when the student appears, it's because the teacher is ready to learn the lesson,too.

Sometimes helping others is how we help ourselves. And giving it away is often how we get to have some ourselves.


God, help me be of service. Help me remember the value of serving others-- that it strengthens and uplifts them and blesses and helps me,too.

[shadowlady861]

Be persistent

Earlier in this book, I talked about how little drops of rain, over the years, could wear pockets and indentations into stones. I used this as an analogy to deomonstrate how negative influences could wear away our resolve.

It goes both ways.

When I first was in recovery, one of the treatment center staff gave me one good quality about myself when I couldn't see or find anything about myself to like.

"You're persistent," he said.

"Yes," I thought. "You're right. I am.

I also thought if I took one-half the energy I used doing destructive things and channeled it into doing positve activities, there wouldn't be anything in the world I couldn't do.

Most of us are persistent. We persistently dwell. We have persistently tried to change what we cannot, usually a circumstance or someone else's behavior. Take that energy, that persistence, that determination, that almost obsessive resolve, and persevere with the things you can do.

Don't push.

Let go of concern about the seemingly impossible tasks in your life. Softly, steadily, like the rain, let your kind spirit naturally remove the obstacles in your path.

Life is better when we flow.

But sometimes it takes a persistent flow to change the things we can.

Enough water, perisistently applied, can be more powerful than rock.


God, grant me the courage to persevere and the strength to persist.

[shadowlady861]

Undo your mistakes

"Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." This is the Tenth Step of the Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Step program. It's also a step that many wise people not working a program practice,too.

Sometimes the mistakes we make are teeny,tiny ones. We say something that hurts another person. Or we behave in a way we know is inappropriate, and we feel badly about it. Sometimes the mistakes are bigger. We may have taken a job or gotten ourselves into a relationship thinking it was a good idea only to discover later that it wasn't.

For whatever the reasons motivating us at the time, we make a mistake. We took a wrong turn on the path, and the direction we're going isn't where we meant to go and isn't where we want to be. Or we've arrived at a dead end.

Step Ten is part of the program, one-twelfth of the program, because someone knew we were going to need it, maybe one-twelfth of the time. The words I'm sorry are in our language because we've developed a need for that phrase,too.

Not making amends can damage our relationships. When pride or shame prevent us from making amends, we close our hearts to God, ourselves, and the people we love.

Admit your mistake. Take any actions necessary to correct the situation for yourself and the people involved.

Just open your heart and say these five words: I'm sorry. I was wrong.

Then let it go, and get on with your life. Have the courage to do what you need to do to get on track with your life.


God, help me admit to myself, to you, and others when I'm wrong and have made a mistake-- whether it's a small one or a major wrong turn in my life. Then, help me to undo my actions and get back on track again.

[shadowlady861]

Improvise

Do not fear mistakes, there are none.
--Miles Davis

Life is a jazz tune. Sometimes it's raucous, sometimes blue, but always full of unexpected twists and turns, and here and there a delightful new sound emerges. Viewed from a staunch classical viewpoint we might be tempted to call the new note or harmonization a mistake, but in the free flowing world of jazz, it becomes just another piece of the melodic whole.

So you took the wrong job, chose a career based on what others expected of you rather that what you expected of yourself. Was it a mistake? Only if you spent all your time there dwelling on the fact that you would rather be someplace else and missed the chance to learn something about yourself.

Admit your mistakes. Say sorry when you're wrong.

But don't feel trapped by the mistakes of your past and don't trap yourself now by the possibility of future mistakes. Sure, we'll continue to screw up. But, we just might invent a new note or two along the way.


God, help me learn from my mistakes and to turn my blunders into successes.

[shadowlady861]

Respect the powers that be

I watched the man out the window as he dragged his kayak out to sea. Just as he'd get ready to launch, a huge frothy wave would come barreling over the top of him. The kayak would fly off in one direction. Then I'd see a paddle emerge from the sea. He'd walk back to his boat, try again, only to have himself and the boat tossed around by the wave. Finally, the last wave took the boat and threw it all the way to shore. When the man, in his thirties, stood up, he looked up at the heavens and stretched out his arms.

It was the surrender position, that what can I do but resign myself to the powers that be stance that some of us know so well.

Yes, we're learning to believe in ourselves. We're learning to say I can. But an important part of self-confidence and self-esteem is learning humility and respect for the powers that be. Set your goals. Pursue your dreams. Say what you want and learn to say when. Hold your head up high, but learn to sublimate yourself,too.

Sometimes you've just got to throw your hands up in the air and surrender to the powers that be.


God, help me let go of arrogance and receive the blessings that humility brings.

[shadowlady861]

Be prepared

Did you ever have a teacher in school who warned you at the beginning of the year that he would give tests without previous notice, so be prepared? We might not have liked it, but we appreciated being warned. We knew in that class that we needed to do our homework in a timely manner if we wanted a good grade. We kept our awareness up. We knew we couldn't slide by.

When that test came, we were either prepared for it or at the very least, aware. We had been warned. We knew the test was coming.

When I decided to stop using alcohol and drugs and live a life of abstinence and recovery, I was tested many times. People put drugs and alcohol in my hand. Once, in the early months, soon after my decision, I failed the test and felt awful. Then I learned that important lesson, life would challenge my decision from time to time. I had to be prepared not only to make the choice to be sober, but to stand behind that decision each day.

When I decided to become a writer, things moved along well for the first few years, then I began hitting some walls. I hit a dry spell. No words came out. The results weren't as I had planned . It was time to decide if I wanted to stand behind my decision or fold.

We will be given tests, without notice, on almost every decision we make and boundary we set. Each time we say I can, we will be tested. And drawing from personal experience, the test is never one we would have chosen. It's often ugly, inconvenient, and hits us at our weakest spot.

Don't feel victimized or tortured when your test comes. Be prepared. Let it teach you more about yourself, what you want, and how badly you want it. Use it as resistance, the kind we can push against to become clearer about who we are and what we want. Sometimes we don't really want what we thought we did. Other times we do. We aren't in school anymore, at least not grade school. The test isn't for the teacher's benefit. It's for our benefit- to teach us how much we've learned.

Don't worry. I've been told we'll never be given a test we can't pass.

So get ready. You've been warned.

Be aware.

The test could come at any time.


God, help me let go of my resistance to the little tests life throws my way. Instead, help me use these tests as a chance to get to know myself and you better. Help me do my best.

[shadowlady861]

You won't get more than you can handle

... God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able, but with the temptation, will also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
--The Bible

"I'm taking care of my roommate and worrying about three of my clients. People always say that you'll never get more that you can handle. But that's not true if you're trying to handle other people's stuff. That can be too much," a therapist and friend of mine said.

Most of us have heard throughout our lives that we'll never get more than we can handle or bear. The load will not be too heavy. If we're given it, we can rise to the occasion and accomplish the task.

They didn't say the load wouldn't be heavy. They didn't say the task could easily be done. And they didn't say we'd be given the grace and strength to bear the load of burdens that weren't ours.

Sometimes, it feels like too much. I know how that feels.

It's not.

You're up to the task, whatever it is, whether it feels like you are or not.


God, please give me all I need today, including enough joy.

[shadowlady861]

Practice the basics

Not being codependent? That's a decision I need to make each day.
--Anonymous

Remember to practice the basics.

There's a saying floating around that people talk about a lot. Lessons won't go away until they're learned. We can move, duck, hide, run, or escape by doing something else, but that lesson will still follow us around.

There's another saying,too, one that's not talked about much. But it's an important lesson to remember as we go through our daily lives: Just because the lesson has been learned doesn't mean it will go away. Sometimes it appears in different shapes and forms.

I used to believe that once a lesson was learned, I had it under my belt. The pain from that lesson would stop once I realized what it was. Then I could just go on with my life and put that graduation certificate in a drawer.

It took me a while to realize that that wasn't necessarily true. I was learning these lessons because I would need to use that skill,
awakening,value, discipline, or practice as a tool for the rest of my life.

If you've got some important life lessons under your belt, congratulations. But don't put that certificate away yet. Instead, why don't you leave it out in plain sight?

When I first began skydiving, the first fifty jumps or so were dedicated to basic training. I was learning to save my life. After that, I began to add new skills to my repertoire. I was able to move my body around and have some fun in the air. I began to learn to fly. But each time I get to the door of the plane and get ready to jump, it's important to remember everything I learned in the beginning-- the basics-- about how to save my life.

Practice the basics every day or as often as you need. Whether you're in recovery, working at a craft, working on a relationship, or flying a plane, review your basics and remember to apply these principles each day in your life.

Spread your wings. Learn to fly. Have a ball with your life. Learn about all the mystery and magic the universe has to offer. See how good you can get. But don't forget what you learned in the beginning.

Remember to save your own life.


God, help me remember to practice the basics of self-care every day of my life.

[shadowlady861]

Show that you mean what you say

Kevin was unhappy. He had stopped doing what he wanted to do in his life and found himself in a dull, boring routine at work. His job had turned on him. In the past, he and others had considered him brilliant, an asset. Opportunities, one after another, had just been handed to him. Now, no new opportunities were coming his way.

He wondered, "What happened? What went wrong? Why aren't things coming my way?"

"Maybe you need to do something. Maybe you need to help create the opportunity you want," his friend suggested.

Kevin's first response was, "I can't do that. I've never been a leader before. I've never had to take the initiative. I just sat back and good things came my way."

"Maybe times are different now. Maybe you need to take some action on your behalf first," his friend replied.

Kevin decided his friend was right. He began taking some steps to create the job he wanted with another company. The pay wasn't great, but at least he'd be doing more of the work he wanted to do. He began taking more of a leadership role in his life.

It took a lot of work and effort on his part. He had to travel a lot. He had to make things happen. And he had to use some of his money to make what he wanted to happen occur. He wasn't exactly where he wanted to be, but he was closer than he was before.

About three months after Kevin decided to take the initiative, he came home from work one night. There was a message on his machine. Some people that owned a business had an opening. They had heard about Kevin and wondered if he would be interested in interviewing with them, maybe becoming part of their organization?

The position was a leadership role, doing exactly what Kevin had hoped he could do. The pay and benefits were great. It took him only a moment to realize that this was that golden opportunity.

Sometimes it's not just enough to say I can. You need to show yourself and the universe that you mean what you say. If good things aren't coming your way, maybe you need to walk toward them. Once you take those steps, the universe can guide you along the path.

Whether it's writing a book, meeting a friend, moving, getting a sponsor, making a career switch, or acquiring a new skill, it may be time for you to show the universe that you mean what you say. Take those first steps, awkward and clumsy as they may be. Work with the raw materials of your life that you have on hand today-- even if those materials aren't ideal. Do your best. Make an actual step toward fulfilling your dream. Then let the universe and your Higher Power help guide you, once you've taken those first steps. Just because something isn't being handed to you out of the blue doesn't mean it can't be yours.

Is there a dream, a vision, or a goal that you've been waiting to magically manifest in your life? Could it be that you need to take some steps toward it, instead of waiting for it to come to you? Your first efforts may be just that, first efforts. But from those first steps, you'll be guided into what you want to do.

Sometimes letting go means more than sitting back and passively waiting. Sometimes taking the initiative is an important part of the work you need to do. Showing the universe and yourself that you mean business is part of how you learn to manifest your power.


God, show me the steps I can take today and help me start walking so you can guide me along my path.

Activity: Take out your goal list. Is there a dream, a vision, or a goal that you've been waiting to magically manifest in your life? Could it be that you need to take some first steps? Today, take the initiative. Start to use the power of I can in your life.

[shadowlady861]

Move from your center

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might.
--Ecclesiastes 9:10

Move from your center.

It's a lesson I learned in aikido. But it's more than a lesson about martial arts, it's an ancient lesson about how we're to live.

Try this exercise. Walk across the room wishing you were someplace else-- in your chair, in your car, or with your friend. Then do an activity for five minutes, like washing dishes, concentrating the entire time on something else you'd rather be doing, or something you're worrying about. Then, walk back to where you started.

Now, walk across the room conscious of each step, fully present for each move. Pay attention to where you're at and how each step feels. And be willing and intending to be right where you are. Wash the dishes, present for the feel of the hot water, the smell of the soap, and for how the floor feels under your feet. Be conscious and aware. Be intending to wash those dishes. Be right there, in that moment in time. Be aware of washing until the dishes are clean and rinsing until they're clear. Be happy and grateful for the task. Give that task your all.

That's moving from your center. It means we're right there, completely present, focused, and aware. We're not wishing we were someplace else. And we place great value on what we're doing, no matter what the size of the task. How much richer our lives become when we put our all into all that we do. The colors are brighter, the success sweeter, the loss sharper, and the lessons more true.

Move from your center in all that you do, even the ordinary tasks and moments of life. Pour all your heart into your relationships. Give your best ideas at work. Don't worry, the universe has more where those came from. Stop the car on the side of the road and watch the sunset.

Whatsoever you find to do, do it with all your might.


God, remind me to live my life fully every day.

[shadowlady861]

Express your power gently

Express your power naturally and as gently as you can.

When I started learning what it meant to take care of myself and to own my power, I talked loudly, spoke up, and yelled in order to set boundaries, limits, and to express myself. That was the way to get my point across. That's how I'd showed people I meant what I said.

I had to say it loudly.

About five years after I started this process of learning what it meant to own my power, I met a bear called Winnie the Pooh. The book that introduced me was The Tao of Pooh. Lights started coming on. The seeds of new lessons began to sprout.

To own my power, I could quietly say what I meant. The clearer I was about what I had to say and who I was, the less I had to shout. Owning my power wasn't something I had to plan out, premeditate, and obsess about.

The more I took care of myself and connected to myself and the clearer I became, the more natural and easier it became to own my power. My power-- including setting limits, saying no, refusing to be manipulated, and saying I'd changed my mind-- often became a natural, graceful, timely expression of me.

There are still times in our lives when we have to be firm, sometimes forceful, and repeat what we've said, sometimes loudly. The quieter and more relaxed we can be when we say what we mean is usually in direct proportion to how much we believe in ourselves.

Let your power, boundaries, and expressions of who you are arise naturally.

Learn and respect the value of responding as gently, but as firmly, as you can.


God, help your power flow through me. Teach me to take care of myself gently, in a way the reflects harmony with myself and as much as possible, the people in my life.

[shadowlady861]

Open the door

I was having lunch with a friend at a restaurant one day when he realized he had either misplaced his keys or locked them in his car. We had taken my car to the restaurant. His car was at my house.

He went through all the denial and fussing most of us do when we realize we've locked ourselves out.

"Maybe I brought them into your house and left them on the table," he said wistfully. "It's okay, though. I have an extra set in my..." He dug through his pockets. "Other pants."

Game over.

He didn't enjoy the rest of his lunch.

When we got back to the house, we looked for the keys inside for a few moments then walked out to his car. Sure enough, there they were-- right on the dashboard. We walked around the car a few times.

"Maybe I should just call AAA," he said. I offered to go get a coat hanger from the house. We walked around the car a few more times, peering longingly through the windows. You could almost touch the keys; they were that close.

I turned to go inside and get the hanger. That's when I heard it. Popclicksqeek. I turned, and there was my friend standing triumphantly next to his car, keys in hand, a dorky smile plastered on his face.

"The door was unlocked," he said.

So often we allow ourselves to feel like ourselves. We want to break into a new field or group but feel we don't know enough yet, that we may fail, or that we may succeed. So we stand outside wistfully looking at others and wishing we could unlock that door and join the group.

The door isn't locked.

You belong here.

Open it and walk in.


God, help me remember that the only one keeping me an outsider is me. Help me open the door and join the group. Help me live my life.

[shadowlady861]

Flex your wings

Walking in the hills of Southern California, I came across a high meadow bursting with the movement of hundreds of moths. I stood for a few moments and drank in the scene, watching them dance lightly around me. There were so many of them I could actually hear their wings beating in the still air.

I walked further along and saw a caterpillar crawling along the ground. I looked more closely and saw the tiny creature had two small but useless wings protuding from its back. At first I thought that it must have been a deformity, that this poor worm would be forced to spend its days crawling, never able to fly, but all the while having wings. Then as I walked further along, I saw another winged caterpillar-- this one with slightly larger wings. It was slowly flexing its new appendages, looking anxiously at the sky. These moths grew their wings gradually, without the aid of a cocoon to protect them throughout the transformation. They just sprouted their wings right out there for the whole world to see.

We each have different levels of freedom. What I think of as a box might be unthinkable freedom for you today. In the future, when you look back at your life, you may be amazed at the levels of freedom into which you have naturally grown. Perhaps you are looking around today at the freedom of others in awe and envy. "I could never do that," you might say.

Yes, you can.

And you might.

Feel those wings on your back? They're there. And they're growing each day-- whether you're flying yet or not.

Robert Thurman wrote, "The great thing about the horizon of infinity is that there is no limit to how amazing you can become."


God, help me flex my wings. Teach me how amazing I can become.

[shadowlady861]

It's an opportunity

In order to develop a strong sense of the preciousness of human life,it must connect to one's belief system. The belief system doesn't need to be the Buddhist karmic system, but it has to be one that is critically aware of the uniqueness and special nature of this life form.
--Robert Thurman, Circling the Sacred Mountain

Do you see it? Do you see what a special, precious opportunity each day of your life is?

Look more closely. See all the lessons you can learn. See how you can participate in your growth. See how carefully God holds your hand, guides you down the right path, offers just the right words and opportunities at the right moments, sends just the right people your way.

You can feel. You can touch. You can agonize in despair and giggle with glee. You can make jokes. You can cry at movies. You can weep in bed at night. Then get up the next day, refreshed.

You can taste an orange, a lemon, a mango-- and describe in detail the difference in each of those tastes. You can smell a forest of pine trees. You can hold your friend's hand and feel how he trembles because he's afraid.

You can stumble and fall and feel abandoned, then get up and suddenly, in one moment, understand that lesson you've been trying to learn. You can jump out of airplanes, feel the smoothness of your lovers back, and hold your child to your breast.

You can wait and thank God later.

But you might as well thank God now.

Maybe the best way to thank God is by living your life fully today.


God, help me to use this opportunity, this life that I have been given to the best of my ability every day.

[shadowlady861]

There's magic for you,too

I was looking at a photo of my friend Chip. In it, he's sitting beside his battered, old Volkswagen looking nearly as tired and battered as the car. But he's smiling.

He was smiling the first time I met him,too. He told me the story of this photo prominently displayed on his desk.

"That picture was taken at the trailhead to White Mountain. Elevation twelve thousand feet. The last sixteen miles of the road are two dirt-tracks, but I really wanted to go on that hike. You should have seen the expressions on the faces of the research group in their four-wheel drive vans when I pulled up in Carmen. [That's his name for his car.] It was so high that the carburetor could hardly breathe. I don't think I got over ten miles an hour for the last sixteen miles. When I got there, the car was on empty, and it was forty- seven miles to the closest gas station.

"After my hike, I put her in neutral and coasted all the way down the mountain. It was insane, my brakes were shot by the time I made it down, and I rolled into the gas station just as the engine died. What a trip!"

You can do things if you think you can. You can put a backpack into your old car and take that trip with just a few dollars. You can see new things, visit new places, and amaze others and yourself. You can get the career you want, have the relationship you want, reach the dreams in your heart. You can get wherever you want to go from where you are now.

All it takes is faith, desire, and a little belief in the magic of the universe.

"Oh, but that magic only works for other people, not me," I've heard others protest in disbelief.

One of the things I like about Chip is something he always says and means, whether he has $5 in his pocket or $3,000 in the bank. He says this in both the good times and the times most of us would label as bad.

"I can't believe what a lucky individual I am. I can't believe how amazing the world is. And I can't believe and don't understand why I've been this blessed."

The magic of the universe is there waiting for each of us.

Look around. See how lucky and blessed you are. Then take another look at the limitations in your life and start letting go of those limitations, one by one. Find your dirt track with the great experience at the end. Find and follow your path with heart.

Oh, but do check the gas tank first.


God, once again, teach me the magic of I can.

[shadowlady861]

Believe in the magic of life

Listen to the Never haves
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child,
Anything can be.
--Shel Silverstein

All around us every day are those who would have us believe we can't. They haven't grown in their lives, so they tell us we can't grow and change in ours. Belief systems are strong, but ideas are stronger. In 1899, the then chief of the U.S. patent office proposed closing it down. He said, "Everything that can be invented already has been."

We look back on a statement like that today and laugh, but how often do we believe it in our own lives? I can't go back to school because I'm nearly fifty. I shouldn't change careers now; I'll lose my retirement. Sure, a boat like that is nice, but I'll never have one; I'm just not rich enough. Maybe he can stay sober, but I can't change my life.

As children we're filled with wonder at the world around us. Anything is possible, anything at all. But all too soon the weight of the shouldn't's, impossible's, and won't's comes sneaking in around our shoulders tying us down to lowered expectations and limited beliefs.

The world is flat. If you sail to the edge, you will fall off. Everything that can be invented already has been. Man will never walk on the moon.

Believe in yourself. Believe in a wonderful God. Believe in the programs and support structures that help you every day. Say what it is you want, the lessons you want to learn, the goals you want to achieve, the relationships that you want to have, and then go out and allow the universe to manifest them in your life.

The never have's sit on the sidelines and tell you about all that can't be. Will you join them or will you quietly go about doing the impossible on your own?

Believe in the magic of I can. Tell the naysayers and never have's I can,too. And so you can.

Today, who not go to a park, sit on a bench, and think back to when you were a child. What were your dreams, your hopes? Are they really that far out of reach? Remember, anything can happen and quite often, it does.


Thank you God for the glory of my journey so far. Be with me as I learn more about what I can accomplish through you.