crossing the line

[notsure]

Hello,
I've posted a couple of times on the friends and families board when I was trying to come to terms with my ex's alcoholism and my ex best friend's drug addiction, but I've crossed the line now myself and realise I need help! My ex died four months ago. he drank himself to death. I am not coping. I'm drinking, but not in a happy innocent party kind of way, in a dark, all alone, drink myself legless kind of a way.
For years I tried to help them both, esp my ex. I loved him so much. I miss him so much. Now I just feel useless and hopeless. I hate myself. I'm such a hypocrite.
I drink every night. i don't go out, i don't want to see people. It's not a social thing. I just FEEL SO..... but I don't have anywhere to put my feelings - especially the anger I feel. I can handle the grief, but the anger is another thing entirely and I feel like I've got to dampen it down for my own sake and for anyone's sake who wants to see me.
I don't know what to do. I'm too angry to do the 12 step thing. I'm too sad to want to help myself. I'm following him. I knew there was a danger and I tried not to do that, but it's too **** hard!!!
i get crazy that nobody ever asks about him because I think most people think well, he was no good for you. I know why they think that, but he wasn't always an alcoholic. I see people living on the street and I feel more akin to them than the people around me.
What is happening to me? I know this is wrong. I know how much it hurts other people, but I feel so hurt by other people right now I just don't care!!! I know how bad that sounds too.
Help me get my sanity back!!! How do I not follow him? I loved him, he was part of me. I'm doing everything wrong. I'm not honouring him the way I want to. I feel angry and like giving up, and drinking makes me feel close to him again. It's insane. I know it is. Please help me!

[zoomie]

First off I'm sorry for the loss of your ex! no matter how they go, it's always hard when we lose someone. next if you cannot stop on your own, go see your doctor and keep coming back here. I do the 12 step thing and it has help me to not drink for many years,but I know your not ready for that yet. I do not have any good advice really just that you know drinkng is not going to bring your ex back or solve anything. I drank when my mom died and i was in AA. I do not regret my drinking because that is what we do,but the door were open when I was ready to return and lucky I had not lost anything due to my drinking that time.

[yukonm]

Hello notsure,
I am saddened to hear that you are in so much pain. I am the one who sends you the emails with the flowers on them. I am here to support you in your effort to turn your life around. Just know that you are not alone and someone is praying for you.
:42:
Mary

[TaylorLeigh]

I'm also truly sorry to hear about your loss. I would wonder if you wouldn't mind reflecting on a few ideas. First, it isn't about being a hypocrite. If people can't cope with an event (like most on this board) where do you turn for relief? I know my answer is alcohol. Shouldn't be and I know it, but it is so don't get too down on yourself. You actually just admitted you had a problem which is MUCH more than most have done here especially in only 4 months. Maybe you just required a MAJOR trigger, I don't know... I don't even know about alcoholism or if that is even what you have. I too am a daily drinker... pretty heavy and I can't grasp the title 'alcoholic'

What I would reflect on is this:

You were close to your ex. When someone dies that we are close to, maybe our perception of death changes. We sometimes feel guilty for surviving and we sometimes take on the habits of others because we may not feel we deserve to live as we are. In addition to that, I think it is possible that some feel guilt especially if they tried to help the person who died.

I know I tried for YEARS to help my mom lose weight... until she broke down crying asking me to never mention it again. If anything happens to her, I will be filled with guilt... and guilt is STRONG. We want to fix others... but WE CAN'T!!!!

Also, where the death perception idea comes from is personal. I had a very good friend (and Sr prom date in HS ;) who in college was drinking at a party and decided to get into a canoe in May when the water was SO COLD! at 3 in the morning. It capsized, he drowned. My perception of death changed because someone my age who I was friends with had already gone through it. This took me a long time to grasp. Just something to think about.

YOU DON'T have to follow him to heaven's door! He made his own choices that you had no control over. Now you make your choices! Best of luck to you.

Taylor

[Chewi]

I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. People often stay away from us when we are grieving, sick or in pain because they just don't know what to do or say. They don't stop loving you, they just feel helpless, too.
You are grieving and you should not have to do that alone. Maybe start with your own doctor or a counselor. If and when you are ready, you might want to try AA and/or Al-Anon.
Don't be afraid to seek help. You deserve to talk to someone and let it all out. I will be praying for you as well!
Please stay on here and read for help and encouragement. Let us know how you are doing. We care!

[notsure]

thanks all of you for your replies! I sort of half remembered writing that this morning but hoped I hadn't. As it turned out I did write it, but yr answers all helped me a lot so I'm glad I did, if a bit embarrassed.
I think I am just angry and sad and maybe this is a just a phase. I hope so. TaylorLeigh, I know what you mean about calling yourself an alcoholic. I don't know if that's what I am. I've always enjoyed a drink but the way I'm drinking these days it totally different than what I used to do. It scares me.
Anyway, thanks everyone for all the understanding. I guess maybe I'll have to wait and see if I can stop this or not. I do feel a bit out of control, but that's probably normal because of what has happened. thanks again :2:

[TaylorLeigh]

thanks all of you for your replies! I sort of half remembered writing that this morning but hoped I hadn't. As it turned out I did write it, but yr answers all helped me a lot so I'm glad I did, if a bit embarrassed.
I think I am just angry and sad and maybe this is a just a phase. I hope so. TaylorLeigh, I know what you mean about calling yourself an alcoholic. I don't know if that's what I am. I've always enjoyed a drink but the way I'm drinking these days it totally different than what I used to do. It scares me.
Anyway, thanks everyone for all the understanding. I guess maybe I'll have to wait and see if I can stop this or not. I do feel a bit out of control, but that's probably normal because of what has happened. thanks again :2:

notsure ;) I'm still drinking too unfortunately and have made more than a few emails to a friend who was trying to get me to stop drinking that I felt totally humiliated by afterward. You have NOTHING to be ashamed about! I share in the heartfelt stories of your experiences. If you would have told me on my wedding day 4.5 yrs ago when I didn't even have a sip of alcohol, that today and pretty much every day leading up to this since my husband asked me to quit for a week I had anywhere from 5 drinks to totally losing count, I would not have believed you. Worse... I don't truly know what causes this behavior in you or me. We don't want to believe we have a true problem... but fact is, regardless of what we term our condition we could be living better lives... fuller lives. As much as we know that, why can't we bring ourselves to live that? Why must we keep escaping? Why can't we cope? You may ponder as I do... If this is a defect in my coping skills, how can anything change, ever? I try to at least remember one thing... Risk involves some failure... and if we haven't failed, we haven't lived. Let's not get down on ourselves... lets just try to be the best people we can be... at our own pace. ;) Good luck to you! PM me if you want to chat.

Taylor

[onzeaout]

I am very sorry for your loss. It is a terrible part of life and everyone deals with it in there own way. You can get moments of relief through people but the pain surfaces when alone. If given time it will get better. You stated that you want to help and couldn't, unfortunately all of us are powerless over the events in other peoples lives. We love them so much we want to save them. He is at peace (might make some of us a little jealous) he no longer suffers. Try to embrace the wonderful things you shared and try to do for yourself what you could not do for him. And if you have a "being greater than yourself" ask for peace and strength.

This is a great site. Keep in touch (drunk or sober, you are accepted here).

[Chewi]

Good morning Notsure! Just wanted to let you know I am still thinking about you and sending hugs and prayers!

[notsure]

Hello people of this site!
I just came back to say I am doing much better and to thank you all for yr support! Also to tell you that I went to a month long Buddhist retreat in Nepal which was absolutely gruelling - seven days a week starting each morning at 4:30 (good grief!) and during that time I didn't smoke, drink, or indulge in any other "coping" mechanism that I have done befor. I was AMAZED that I actually didn't miss any of it - even smoking, which I've done for most of my adult life. I found is so difficult to concentrate in the beginning and also to relate to people, but by the end of just one month I could concentrate again, and also beginning to realise that other people are not that different to me!
It was brilliant and I'm so glad I did it.
I haven't felt like myself for years now, but having returned I realised that I do feel like myself now. I have a bit of a mess to clear up here, but I'm so glad and relieved that I can think normally again and feel strong enough to handle my own pain. I think that was my biggest problem.
The Buddhists talk a lot about repeating experiences creating a kind of groove in your thinking that makes it more and more natural to keep repeating a behaviour even if it's destructive. I think of addictions that way and it's a good way to stop myself going backwards - because I know I'll just be deepening that groove, but if I leave it alone it will get weaker and I'll create other better habits (I hope)
Just wanted to share a bit what I learned. And just the amazing thing that in a different environment and with different input it was so easy to stop even a lifetime habit. It wasn't hard to do that, just hard to learn how to cope emotionally with what is on my plate.
i wish everybody here can experience what I just have. Good luck to all xxx