How can one get a natural high?

[TaylorLeigh]

When I drink, the world looks so much more vividly beautiful. I remember good times... my childhood before my brothers depression and suicidal threats... of pictures I have seen, of paintings, of the world I saw as a 5 yr old. I can actually see a very happy future as a successful dentist with a couple of children. When I drink the world looks bright. Everything looks perfect and I'm so happy to be alive. Then... I keep drinking and on maybe #5 or 6 or sometimes even on #4, everything starts getting darker and more depressing and hopeless... especially when the alcohol is wearing off this gets bad.

So activity takes my mind off of my obsessive nature. I can volunteer for a physical job and not think about anything but that activity for HOURS! When activity stops, the thoughts return. Same when I run 5 miles or so. I don't think of anything else for that time. It's great but I have to stop. I get tired and when I stop, the thoughts again return.

Is there a way to get a natural high? One that comes close to matching that of the the beginning of a drinking session before the saddness sets in?

[hetiheti]

hi taylorleigh - good to see you still here - me? i find my natural high in happiness - i go to bed telling myself all the things i am grateful for and wake up and do the same - i try all day to keep a smile on my face and usually during the day i realise i am happy - but i do have to work at it. i see the sky, or a perfect flower or just feel the sun :D on my face, and i realise i am so lucky and then i feel happy and i make sure i stop to realise it and hold onto that feeling - almost like i am filing it away - then i can tap into myself and feel myself smiling and then before i know it i am happy. it sounds soppy but that is what works for me and has for a long time - before and after i stopped drinking. i hope you find something that works for you, aroha, hetiheti :17:

[Jay Bee]

Let's pratice on working on a Spiritual high:312:

[Honey Barbara]

Once the addict stops craving you will be amazed at the energy you have. Like Into the light I have found joy in ecstacy, trips, champagne - you name it -If it helps the party mood I have indulged.
Last Sunday I was on a bicyle - on a beautiful bike path that snaked through gardens and urban environments with wonderful grafitti art and people sipping coffee, I had a big grin on my face, I was enjoying a simple pleasure and I could do it because I wasn't hungover, the sun was shining, life was full of simple miracles.
This Sunday I browsed the art galleries, drank espresso coffees outside in the sun and wanted to shout with LOVE for my life.
The wonderful part of natural energy is that it just keeps going, unlike an alcohol high that has a big crash.
Good Luck
Honey Barbxxx

[Tom1]

Taylor, when I read your posts I feel like I am reading my own experiences.First few drinks are a peace I have not yet found elsewhere. I am still looking while in church. I soooo desperately want what ITL and others have experienced in their "conversions" I even have wondered if I have to drink MORE or try some other stuff in order to get God or The Holy Spirit or whoever to take notice of me.There are many addicts in our church that had such dramatic, miraculous recoveries and you can see the joy in their eyes.I am almost tearing up as I write this. Why can't I find that? Instead I substitute etoh as a cheap but effective substitute. I am again 10 days (didn't make it week and a half ago).I know I am OK the next couple of days as I am going in to practically live in the hospital till Thurs afternoon starting this evening, but I am worried come Fri.Alcohol is a world of illusuions. It is like the classic movie"They Live" with world renowned actor Rowdy Roddy Piper in the 80's where we are all living our lives oblivious to the evil "aliens" that are really controlling our lives in a fake, manufactured world (there probably our better examples, I just want to see who remembers Rowdy Roddy Piper!).Anyway, off to church today beore work to continue searching for Him. God Bless, Tom.

[TaylorLeigh]

Taylor, when I read your posts I feel like I am reading my own experiences.First few drinks are a peace I have not yet found elsewhere. I am still looking while in church. I soooo desperately want what ITL and others have experienced in their "conversions" I even have wondered if I have to drink MORE or try some other stuff in order to get God or The Holy Spirit or whoever to take notice of me.There are many addicts in our church that had such dramatic, miraculous recoveries and you can see the joy in their eyes.I am almost tearing up as I write this. Why can't I find that? Instead I substitute etoh as a cheap but effective substitute. I am again 10 days (didn't make it week and a half ago).I know I am OK the next couple of days as I am going in to practically live in the hospital till Thurs afternoon starting this evening, but I am worried come Fri.Alcohol is a world of illusuions. It is like the classic movie"They Live" with world renowned actor Rowdy Roddy Piper in the 80's where we are all living our lives oblivious to the evil "aliens" that are really controlling our lives in a fake, manufactured world (there probably our better examples, I just want to see who remembers Rowdy Roddy Piper!).Anyway, off to church today beore work to continue searching for Him. God Bless, Tom.

OMG Tom! You put into words what I couldn't re: wondering if I even have to drink more to get to the point of finding a solution or multimix drugs or get into REALLY bad shape so I feel like I can't get much lower in hope that it will get me (or inspire me) to find myself mentally, spiritually and physically where now I am lost. Whether it be through God or convincing myself that I'm f'ed up enough to deserve a better life. How convoluted and messed up! Then when my husband questions me, I want to say in the worst way that I'll stop for awhile but I always end up double thinking that because I simply don't know if I want to live without that high for even a week... and I KNOW that is selfish!

Thanks for all the responses... from everyone! I want to see beauty around me without the influence of unnatural substances... I wish I had the solution Tom. It is at least good to know that we are in the same boat ;) Thanks for that!

[sioux]

Romanticizing drinking is a fatal trap for me. It just wasn't that way. That is my disease talking to me; it is not the truth. It is the "big lie". Alcoholism wants me dead, and it will take misery as a second close.

Someone once told me that if they could give me 90 seconds of their clean and sober life, I would never want to drink again. Now, I wish I could do that for others.

The solution for me has been a sober life with spiritual principles to abide by. It is better than any life I had before. I have no desire to alter my reality today. No dragons to chase, windmills to tilt at.

[mrs.ippi]

Taylor, I'm very glad to see you still here. I used to romanticize my first few drinks or hits. Today I live in a totally new reality. I can go through a lot of BS and feel like my world is crumbling, but I don't have to pick up over it. Why is that? Because I asked God to take away my obsession, and He did. Sure it took me a very long time to really ask him to take it away, but I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I did, I asked Him with Complete Abandon, and that was the key for me. I don't always have that natural high, but I wouldn't trade my worst day without the drugs and alcohol for my best day with them. Hope this helps you, because it has really helped me.

Lynda

[TaylorLeigh]

Hmmm... maybe the part I really can't relate to is the whole finding God thing. I'm Catholic, but far from a good one in my beliefs (no belief in Pope, transubstantiation, Mary being virgin). In spirituality and my God... yes, I believe, but I just don't understand it. If anything I keep falling farther and farther away from God. I'm resentful for too much and that I know... but I can't possibly understand how this God or higher power, or whatever you want to call It can be looking out for me PERSONALLY.

People can say... you want beauty, you want a natural high... find God. I WOULD LOVE THAT!!!! But I'd ask... HOW?!!! Just like putting an end to drinking. Some people say "buy this book (not saying it doesn't work... it has helped too many for me to discount it) which was written by some guys with the same problem as us written some 6 decades ago... read it, follow it as if it is God's word itself, live it, love it, quote it."

Granted I have NO doubt it is just a way of better living as a whole. I understand that. I have read the 12 and 12 (someone sent it to me with the big book that I haven't even cracked and won't until I'm officially ready to end this) and the stuff is common sense good living. Anyone could have written it and yeah many of the negative aspects if not all, I could relate to as well. Kudos to those who aren't and never were in the words of my friend 'immature, juvenile and grandiose'.

Fact is, a book and being a better person isn't going to take away the fact that I am nearly $250,000 (QUARTER MILLION) in debt! It's not going to take away the fact that I am nervous about my patients, afraid of uncertainty, afraid of the future so much that drinking seems my only way out of these CONSTANT THOUGHTS for a while. So I ask you...

HOW DO I START?! ;) Much hope and love.

Taylor

[Honey Barbara]

Interesting post. Like Tom and Taylor I need a personal dialouge with God before I can give myslef. I have such a dislike of organised religion that I nearly stopped coming here. Somebody wonderful said "take what you like and leave the rest" which thank goodness I did, I love this place.
I decided that God was "the force that through the green fuse drives the flower" a line I love from a poem by Dylan Thomas. This is great solution for me because i can consatly see and open myself to God - not just flowers but full moons, the pull of the tide, the miracle of waking up and bounding out of bed, the old lady that smiles at me in the shop -The power of life. Heti Heti has chosen God as an unknowable entity - she's given it up to her God and it's coming back 10 fold. It does not have to be God, Mary and Joseph, or Allah or Christ - and if it is that for you, great. Enjoy. I have a tendency to ramble but if I try to coherently harness this argument - I would like to say that it seems dangerous to wait for God, when you can plant for your feet in the earth and feel the energy that makes your legs dance and clap your hands. Make it real for you, and if you get a real and loveable God from it, it will be a bonus.
Financial insecurity will be much easier to deal with when you are not spending a lot of money on booze.
This week I spent a small fortune on a silk dress, it is so beautiful and the price tag made me gasp, but I bought it, do you know why? Because It was my six week sober birthday and I would have spent that on wine and champagne easily. My sober birthday presents will be beautiful clothes but I am suprised at how little I spend these days - a few dollars for the pleasure of sipping great coffee al fresco, a few dollars for yoga classes - the rest is free life - on my bike, walking, running, strolling - The freedom of sobriety is also a great weight lifted from the wallet.
Peace and bendy body parts
Honey Barbaraxxxxx

[clean42day]

what I get high on today is Gratitiude - for the things I have in my life today in the present, right here right now, and living in the moment. this moment is really all we have.

How cool that we "get to" come here and share with eachother - that when we reach out on this forum - we have people who will respond from the heart - without motive or an expected return. How Grateful I am to have mostly all of my needs met today. And many of my wants are just some effort away...not some impossiblitiy that I have dreamt up from drug induced illusions.

Wow the little things....a roof over my head, running water, a fridge full of food, a front door that locks and keeps me safe - a brain that works, feet that can walk, hands that can help, and a heart that is full of love.

there are a whole slew of things I can dwell on from the past - but I choose not to wory over things I can no longer change. I am grateful for the things I have and can change today and the rest I give up to God.

And speaking of God - my spiritual beleifs are what sustain me in the empty and depressing moments....and yes I have them....but I don't avoid them - I work my way through them to the other side. and what makes that possible is being sober and spritually grounded in the belief that I am here to develop my soul. And that means I will sometimes be uncomfortable in times of my greatest growth.

if I shortchange that process with mind altering chemicals....I am basically choosing to stay in spiritual kindergarten instead of advancing in levels of spiritual growth.

I am grateful for the challenges as well as the opportunities to grow today.

Everyday is a new beginning and one thing I do have control over is my attitude of how I am going to greet the day.

alcohol is a depressant.....period...and the insantiy in using it to brighten up your life is A FORMULA FOR FAILURE and like putting on a pair of rose colored glasses and expecting the world to stay the same when you take them off.


light and love

Gail

[Laura12]

Hi :)

I know it must be tough to have the crash-landing after having a rush, but I think what you need is to set yourself on an equilibrium of being satisfied, rather than hunting for the next high - and I don't mean just alcohol there, I mean anything intense, even though they feel good and things like running and volunteering are totally worth doing (you're definitely a better person than me for it!).

One thing I came across when I went through a stage of being depressed worked for me really well, and it might work for you too. Every evening, make a bullet-point list of three things that were good about that day - and they can be anything; even something as simple as the weather being nice. Even after a few days, you start to feel an appreciation for each day as it comes, and hopefully you'll focus less on the bad stuff. And we're all guilty of that from time to time.

Hope this will be useful.

[sioux]

At the beginning.

Get to a meeting. Introduce yourself. Keep an open mind. Ask your Creator that you don't understand for willingess. Get some phone numbers.

And just for today, this minute and the next moment, do not drink. If you feel like picking up a drink, call someone off the phone list.

This is what I did. This is what I do. Just for today.

[knk1869]

Dear Taylor, as I read your post I read your post I can feel my own heart heavy with sadness for you. Like yourself I have a professional career, as well as considerations of a society that doesnt understand the full measure and breadth of this demon that we face. I found when I got clean that it took for me a recovery setting where my decision making card was revoked and I was forced to rely on professionals who knew better than I how to make sound decisions. In the basic text we are reminded that we are insane while we are using, this singular fact precludes an ability to emotionally connect with most things including a God as we know him. It wasnt untill my second week or so that genuine feelings and an awareness of my surroundings came into being. Sadly this also was when the realization of what I had become became evident. In those days of self loathing and despair I found the surrender needed to fully accept and proceed with my first step. I relapsed 3 years ago after having enjoyed 4 of the best years of my life sober. I currently going through divorce, forclosure, I had to close my business, sickness, yet through all of this I have miraculously found the ability to put together nearly a month of sobriety. While sick with the swine flu I had the realization that none of the stuff I owned or owed on was worth my health or sanity......it was just stuff. Please dont worry about money matters.....if you were terminally ill and rich you would gladly sacrifice every penny to be well again. We are addicts with a terminal disease, however for us there is truly hope. I urge you to either choose a 28 day treatment facility, or other means wherein you can give yourself a break, and in that pause find the beauty that you so desperatly seek and deserve. Businesses can be bought, sold, started, restarted,homes and posessions replaced. However you are a one of a kind...unique and special in every way please value the gift of life that you have been given today, because today is all we have

[skyhook]

The first wall of authority that a child must break through is that of the parental covering. Doesn't matter if our parents were Mr and Mrs Manson or Mr and Mrs Huckstible. Its a natural response to find our way.

For me, the greatest hinderance to finding God (or should I say Him finding me) was the childhood "models" of what God was like and how I was supposed to relate to HIm. One parent modeled apathy to God and the other modeled, faithfully, unsatisfying tradition, ritual and sheer religion.

So I finally broke out of that first wave of authority to become all I could be as a pig, a user and essentially a earth bound pirate, pillaging my way through life. My terms, my way, my,my,my. For me, their was no other path so perfectly suited to confront my next wave of authority. God himself.

Spent the last 5 years of the Me, MYself and I Tour, having God show up in the midst of my encore performances. In the midst fo walking through the same insipid doors, only to find the same consequences with the added caveat of hafing less and less personal strength to ignore or weather the storm. For strength, I would read the Bible and particularly enjoy the parts where God would "smote" my enemies. Enemies forged from bad drug deals, territorial markets, guns, paranoia and the occasional pissed off husband who found his wife at my place. These were the enemies God would take care of for me.

Eventually, I learned that the wicked in which I read of, was actually me.

I thank God, that He was willing to be my last stop on the Me, Myself and I Tour. That while He was jealous about my soul, He was not jealous about my choices.

From the moment I got my first scent of the aroma of His presence, I was captured by a love that knew no bounds for me. An unconditional and purel ove that I could never give, not ever recieve on this earth. A love I sought my entire life.

And its an exclusive love. I have never been able to share the story and have the listener truly capture my experience with any level of comprehension. They may have an experience of their own, or not, but it is still second hand accounts, and well, I understand this. BUt it was and is between God and I.

Here is what I do know though:

God is capable of manifesting in someones life in ways and circumstances that I could never imagine.

He was always in my life, even when I ran from Him. The times I should have been dead, and spared from an unseen hand, remain testimony to that.

My, Me, Myself and i tour was not only instrumental, but a pre-requisite to ever finding God, because I have found that approaching God requires a child like faith with no agenda. Even desiring to get clean, hindered me from finding my truth, because it was just another false god lifted up to God in exchange for something else I wanted.

I'm no spiritual giant by any means. I was broken with no agenda except wanting help. Help with something I could not define, let alone deal with...life. God was the second wave of authority I had to assault to find my way.

I remember telling God the night He invaded my life, "I have no need for a legend or a santa clause god, or someone i have to read about in order to find. BUt if you are real, this is the night to reveal yourself, because I am done with this."

For a few short moments, with the echo of my selfish existence still revervberating in the room, I was able to lay down all my agendas and preconcieved notions of who God was and listen. It was if the blinders were lifted and all heavens compassion was poured out on me that night.

I have never been the same. Still flawed, but captured none the less.

May the God of Truth shine down on every hurting soul. And may every hurting soul find a way to peal back the veil of heaven, for a few moments, by laying down their wounds, hurts and preconcieved notions...asking and listening.

Peace.

[mellotripp]

Dearest Taylor, I can certainly understand your insecurities and God will probably help you learn from your debt. But now I ask you to look back and see all the insecurities that you have triumphed over in the past. How many did God help you with? How did you get here? Personally when I am able to do that I can't help but realize that I am forcing the issue when I begin to have doubts in God. The natural high does not come from having doubts in Him and never will, it only comes from knowing that He will be there for me as long as I try my honest to goodness best. I also know that when I don't do that I may have to pay some consequences for my actions, even if it is only my guilt trip that nobody knows but me. I do not consider myself an expert on God but I did have to clean my own conscience, no natural high was going to do that for me. My physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of this disease can only cause me emotional turmoil which causes them to become even worse creating a downward spiral. It is in the faith that I have which I have learned through personal experience where I have learned that God will never let me down, for if He does it is nobody else's fault but mine. Thus the lesson is learned to not be repeated. I agree that we can't look at the good aspects of drinking and drugging or believe that they are real, that may be true for some but not for us in recovery. God Bless You and may it all come out fine.

[TaylorLeigh]

Thanks again for all of the informative and supportive replies. A friend that I completely and shamefully emotionally abuse it seems whenever I drink was talking to me tonight. She was supporting a friend of hers a while back through AA and decided that though she herself was not an alcoholic, she would read the 'big book'

She told me she feels I missed the most important aspect when I read the 12x12 and stated that I didn't need a book to tell me how to find myself, find God, find a better life and quit drinking... which was that I needed to drop my arrogance... and the faster the better :blush:

[Tom1]

Hey Taylor. Just addressing the 250K fo now.You have 250K invested in YOURSELF. No one can take that away from you except you. A bank can not foreclose on your brain (at least not yet, give the government some time). I have a sis who was foreclosed on, house dropped 300K in Florida, friends in similar situations. That money is GONE!! When I was spending a day at the professionals program at my hospital (again, not as a patient ((YET!!)I realized the only way to lose your 250 K investment was through etoh and/ or drugs as there were docs, nurses and attnys as patients who did in fact lose their "investment" through loss of licensure, loss of business, etc...Taylor, I am assuming you are likely working with patients that do not have many other options now. In private practice your patients can tell when you are not 100 percent ON, and it will make a difference if your loan is paid off in 5 years, or never.Trust me, I never thought I would never get out of that debt but I did. I also can't imagine how a pt couldn't tell how your night was the night before as you work so close to people that you would be on a diet of Altoids.Anyway. more later if night slow.. God Bless, Tom

[TaylorLeigh]

Tom... I know you are right about the debt and that did make me feel a little better in perspective. Tuition just keeps on going up and up and I want to try so hard to not think about it. My husband is 10 yrs older than I am and I'm nearly 30. I feel like I'm holding him back! I drove him into debt. But you are right. It is an investment in myself and I can't lose sight of that. Many times I have felt fear because I have had slightly shaky hands in the AM when I'm to be working on a patient... not good with a highspeed drill. With drill in hand though, the shaking isn't as bad for some reason.

I caught myself in a very ridiculous thought, too. One that is so profoundly selfish I almost was taken by surprise myself. It is very important for my husband to have children... our own children. I found myself wishing for adoption rather than having 2 of my own just so I didn't have to change my lifestyle... just so that I didn't have to give up alcohol for 9 months (bc I wouldn't drink while pregnant)! That thinking was going WAY too far! Then I think 'I have never had FUN with alcohol bc I have not had the $, and avoid going out with friends to a bar most of the time bc I know I'll spend too much and not realize it.' Fun?!!! I want fun?! And I haven't had it yet with alcohol? Like I'm not abusing the right to drink when 6 out of 7 days I'm in dream world not paying attention (and sometimes not remembering) anything? Makes you stand back and say... WTF you selfish idiot! :sad:

[DaveH]

Taylor,
I wish I could better explain what happened to me, how my life changed. It would make more sense to have an explanation, but I don't have one. Using the word "miracle" can kind of freak people out too, but I don't have a better word for it.

What I do know is that something happened inside of me when I began working the twelve steps of AA. Yes attending meetings were important, but I had attended meetings without working the steps. I got a sponsor and never called him, I got the books and never read them. It was not until I actually did the legwork that change began. I was so full of my stuff, I don't think I even noticed the change for awhile. I came in with more questions than answers and as a result of actually working the steps, I began to find answers.......and I found God.

Like you I had religious experiences from my past that I used to define God. And quite honestly some of them wound up being correct. But alot of them were not. I found that the steps proved to be the instrument that allowed me to be opened up to who God was in my life. The steps put me in a place where I was willing and able to let God reveal Himself to me, who He was and even what He thought of me.

And the journey has been an interesting one. My life has been changed in ways I could have never imagined. That doesn't mean I have not had challenging times, in fact I am in the midst of one now, but I know without reservation that I will be okay. Today I trust God in ways I was never able to before. I make it a practice to do a third step every morning, and it has always worked.

I wish you well and would encourage you to start your own journey with the 12 steps.

Kindest Regards,
DaveH

[Honey Barbara]

Another great post - I am still not running .........

[suzanne]

Diet and exercise can you you a natural high also and it's healthy for you.Exercise gets the endorphines in your brain to go and you feel better and the more you exercise on a daily basis the better you will feel.It helps your mind and your body just like the program does.:15:

[mrs.ippi]

I don't always feel a natural high, as a matter of fact, I rarely do. But what I have found is acceptance of who, what, and where I am. I agree with an earlier post that referred to chasing a natural being dangerous. In my own personal experience, it didn't matter how I got that high, naturally or chemically, just having it was a sure sign that my addiction was about to come up and bite me on the butt.

I got addicted to anything and everything chasing a natural high. The result was Lynda being a complete basket case for a very long time. And it's taking me a lot longer than I would like to recover all aspects of my life.

Just a few thoughts to consider...

Lynda :idea: