WHY is drinking difficult to stop?

[TaylorLeigh]

I know the bit about relying on it as an escape and yes, that is a very rewarding aspect of alcohol. It is also a very rewarding aspect of a lot of other things that provide an escape such as running, art, music etc. Music can be VERY mood altering. Why is it that if someone said: I know you love music, so give it up for a month. Don't listen to any. It may not be enjoyable, but I'd take that challenge right now. Yet if someone says "give up alcohol for a month"... I'd say... I'll try for a week.

I'm not sure I grasp what is so potent about this. Anyone able to give me insight?

[sioux]

I quit a million times. I quit three times a day. Problem was I couldn't stay quit.

It wasn't until I was humbled to understand, admit and surrender to the fact that my life was unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol. Until that happened, I had no real chance at staying quit.

Have you ever set down with pen and paper and written down the unmanageability of your life? I had to do that. Alchol was at the top. Then I filtered all the way down to the fact that the file cabinet of my life was tipped over and all the papers were scattered...a big wind came, blew them away and I could not recover those papers or regain control of my life until I stopped chasing this and that and accepted what was/is.

That is hard indeed. To admit that I was selfish, slef-centered, self seeking. That was the root of my problem. AC/DC nor Bach was forcing me to drive while drunk so I could get to the last call while at the same time I had no money left in the bank to pay for the bottle, no time for the neighbor that needed a ride to the hospital, etc. My desire to satisfy MY needs was the driving force. I have an physical allergy that centers in my mind. I have alcoholism.

[notsure]

I think it's a bit kind of chemical too. Drinking makes me more emotional and usually the next day I feel depressed and in need of something, so it's like then I need another drink to feel better. But I've been better the last week (since my sordid confession here actually) and have found that if I don't drink for a couple of days I feel better enough to not need to drink. I still have had a few drinks because some things I am finding hard emotionally and nowhere to go with all that, but I can see that there IS a way back to just drinking normally or not at all because life without the constant fuzz is actually a lot more pleasant!!
For me it's just dangerous when the emotional avalanche starts because I don't seem to have the skills to deal with some of my pain. Hopefully I'll learn some good things on the retreat I'm about to go on (tomorrow). If I learn anything wise or helpful I'll come back and post it here. Maybe I can learn to enjoy a nice cup of tea :11: hope so!
Until then :17:

[TaylorLeigh]

Makes sense. I mean I know why say music isn't as dangerous as alcohol and doesn't cause the problems alcohol causes. I just don't understand why both are escapes and only one I can't imagine giving up for more than the extreme short term. Maybe it is a chemical thing.

Man, I think I'm just angry. Angry at people who are working the steps, angry at people who are in 'recovery', angry at people admitting to their alcoholism, angry at my shortcomings, angry at people who want me to be their project instead of their friend. When I'm not feeling self-sufficient in some way, I lash out and attack anyone trying to help me... because I don't WANT help! I want to be able to help MYSELF! That's how I thought life was supposed to work!

I also used to just have a couple drinks. I haven't had a couple drinks in about a year. My husband asks why I can't limit to 1-2 and stop...and I don't even know what to tell him! When that feeling kicks in, I don't even think to stop, much less want to.

[skyhook]

I find holding onto things in this world loosely, accomplishes two things.

1. It acknowledges my own experience that nothing lasts forever.

2. When I do grip or hang on to something, the reality is that "it" has a hold of me.

My anger is a cue that I missed all the other hints along the way; its usually the fire bell that reminds me to get out of a building that everyone else already left.

The smoke was enough for them.

[TaylorLeigh]

I find holding onto things in this world loosely, accomplishes two things.

1. It acknowledges my own experience that nothing lasts forever.

2. When I do grip or hang on to something, the reality is that "it" has a hold of me.

My anger is a cue that I missed all the other hints along the way; its usually the fire bell that reminds me to get out of a building that everyone else already left.

The smoke was enough for them.

You think? This is actually quite profound and deep.

[Rocket2d4]

Loving music won't damage my liver, kill brain cellls, cuase injuries to myself or others...

True alki/addicts have obsessive, compulsive, personalities disorders.

There's the physical addiction envolved with alcoholism.
Once you're pickled you can't trun back into a cucumber...
My body dosn't process alcohol like everyone else...That's just something I have to accept....

It's just an allergy. I can't drink alcohol or use drugs...period. I have to keep it simple
like this.

It's a no brainer...We all know about progression or our body getting amuned so
we need to take more and more and more...
When a person is in the grip of complusion....it's like a **** tornado destroying
everything in it's path...It dosn't happen over night.
And most alki/addict turn into DR JyCKLE and MR/MRS. Hyde..lol

Of course all alki say "It's not going to happen to me. I'm not going to let that happen. I have SELFWILL or WILLPOWER."
Those **** AA/NAers are a bounch of weak SOBS...lmao

Alcohol makes me depressed becuase it's a depressent.
Errr...getting addicted to a depressent..is not healthy or would had good results in
my life. Eventaully I'll become dysfucntional, can't think freaken straight, do stupid
crap. Obviously if one thinks and is willing to pay the consequence..one will justify
or find whatever data to support One's continuations of drinking and using.
It's call DENIAL...lol

If I was allergic to milk...Well evidently I'm not going to drink milk no matter how healhty or OK it may be for everybody else.
It's not that complicated....

mmm...When I drink alcohol..I breakout in a rash of insanity.
It's dosn't happen overnight. It's very cunning, baffling.
That's what's so powerful about it...
Bascailly it'll leave me BEWILDERED and MISERABLE.
That's my experince and truth...I'm not trying to convience anyone...
I'm writting for me...to remind myself...becuase somewhere
in the back of my mind..even after experincing a freaken
living hell, chaos, truama, total incomprehence demoralizations...
thinks it's ok to still drink...lol
Everyday...I still have to remind myself..I'm not cured.

[notsure]

This thread really had me thinking. I know I used to be able to just drink socially, and even if I drank too much it was just kind of fun and I wouldn't need or want to drink the next day, but that's a different kind of drinking to me. I drank then just to have fun and loosen up, but now I'm kind of drinking to relieve something inside myself. It's not about having fun, it's about trying to lose myself - that's different. And I wonder if drinking will ever feel ok again because now I've got such different associations with it. It reminds me of despair now, not fun.
TaylorLeigh, you're so right about not wanting to be someone's "project". Who would want that? I think that's why my ex used to get so angry, and I think I did that to him too along with everyone else and he just got angrier and angrier. What you said really rang the bell of truth inside of me - that's where I got it wrong. He said to me once something about everyone talking about how to "fix" his problem, "but they're talking about my LIFE". Now I get it - too late. I wish I'd understood before what I do now. Feeling disempowered can't help. I liked that post about the burning house - so true. Maybe if we didn't drink we could see where all the smoke was coming from! Good luck everybody xxx

[TaylorLeigh]

Yeah ITL... I def. get what you are talking about and your list seems very accurate. I guess my friends don't directly bring up my drinking like my husband does. What they will ask if I'm a little slow on the uptake is 'are you drunk again (followed by a laugh)'... even at parties, this annoys me because I never think I'm being obvious. I don't really have too many hard drinking friends and I do pretty much ALL of my drinking at home or alone because I can control the $ flow better. A $13 1.75L bottle of cheap vodka will last me 2 weeks when cushioned with box wine. My husband doesn't mind the wine as much as the vodka bc the vodka hits me FAST! But you are right! It's a legal, acceptable solution to numbing and getting a false sense of security in yourself (and others).

Rocket, I can see your points, too about the trying to catch the feeling you once had but not being able to find it again. When I had food in me, I could never seem to get that feeling no matter how much I drank... so I found a way around it. I don't eat for 3 hrs or more before I drink. I skip lunch and drink when I get home from dental school. I understand before and as I write this that this is not appropriate behavior. Neither is the stuff you wrote. So I don't even understand why we do it. It's like you know you are sabotaging yourself and you say 'eh... cool'. Seems weird!

Notsure, agreed. It's not about having fun when you are alone. It's not about having fun when you are trying to just kill your emotions, kill the feelings you have inside because you don't know how to deal with what is going on in your life. Seems like a lot of us want to fix others or try to, even though we can't unless they want to fix themselves. None of us want to be fixed. I realized that when I tried for years to get my mom to lose weight, even went with her to WW to support her. It ended as she broke down crying asking me to stop doing that to her. It's hard and it's sad when we try to help others and fail. But it isn't our fault and it isn't our problem. Sorry about your ex.

Thanks for all the posts guys. I like learning a lot about others experiences and realizing that even if it's not ok, it's normal for some people to feel and think in these ways.

[sioux]

Skyhook is right...the more one tries to control things, the more we are controlled by those things (people, places) hence the need to SURRENDER. It is no longer important to be right or even have all the answers. We are dealing with hope and change here. We don't know what will happen. This is okay. You keep drinkining and you certainly know what will happen. There is comfort in the familiar, even if it is catastrophic.

Your alcoholism is progressing. There is no turning back. You can go to the bitter end, or try to turn that anger and fear into action.

I had to resign from the debating society. Maybe you could benefit from this too.

I couldn't upright the filing cabinet of my sad and sorrowful life and restitute and reconstruct my life until I was sober. Little changed until that happened first. I couldn't get sober until I got angry enough. What most of us are trying to let you in on is that there is a process.

Here are some things to consider...if you get sober, your life may or may not get better, but I promise you it will get different. Personally, when I was where you are at now, different looked damned good. When I could admit that, I dropped the ego and arrogance, and adopted some hope. Please note, that didn't change the fact that I too was angry for a long time. Frankly, I think this is a good sign. Embrace it.

[Chewi]

It is hard for me to quit drinking because I love it. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the taste. I love the pretty bottles and the pretty glasses. I love the company and the fun and the laughter. But then, like the handsome, perfect lover who turns out to be an abuser, he beats me up and throws me out, bruised, sick, ashamed and broken. I take a break from my dependence on him. But he is so wrapped up in everything that I am. He is associated with everything that I do. My bruises heal up. I invite him back. We are close and in love and it feels good. Then he beats me up and kicks me out...

To get rid of the alcohol I have to remember the bad behaviors I had. The hangovers. The blackouts. The sickness. The shame. I cannot romanticize it. I cannot invite the abuser back in.

When my thinking goes back to the "goodness" of it, I have to turn that thinking around and make myself remember all the bad it does and the worse it will become.

And the best part is, I remind myself of what I can now become without it: a sober and serene person who can live up to the potential my creator created me for. I can be responsible and helpful to others. I no longer have to wallow in rage or self-pity or any other destructive states of mind. With the help of my maker and others I can pull myself out of that pit and be the person, with a higher purpose, that God made me to be.:D

[TaylorLeigh]

There is NEVER a way to get back? What if I haven't yet crossed the line everyone speaks of? I'm only 29!

And Chewi... interesting about comparing it to an abusive relationship.

Hate to keep this up but I'm going to lay out my thoughts here that I haven't expressed yet. I hope I don't offend anyone on this forum.

1. As a woman, I am ashamed of my actions in regards to drinking. I'm ashamed of the amount, and of how some people view me. It almost seems so much more acceptable for a guy to be this way.

2. My family lives over 500 miles away. They are relatively unaware of what is going on with me unless I'm visiting. My brother makes wine and feels like a hero giving it to me by the case. He tells his friends that I buy the cheap alcohol for myself because I value quantity over quality, but then they buy it for me too. It would almost seem rude and unacceptable for me to tell them I'm stopping. We all bond over alcohol when I come home bc they know I like it and they like it too.

3. I have a doctors appt in Dec. Half of me wants so bad to be honest about quantity and the physical symptoms I have in case I'm doing some damage. Half of me even wants the MD to tell me to stop so maybe I'll take it more seriously. But the other half would rather not know because I'm at this tricky place where I really want to stop on one hand and on the other hand, I just itch for it. I actually read a study saying that coffee may help lessen the risk of liver damage and it was scientific, so now I'm buying coffee and I went weeks between drinking that before. I'm thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad if by willpower I quit for a week and then just drink for a day and quit for another week etc... and on and on. But even day 3 has been hard...not impossible, but I've been thinking about it a lot.

I know I should at least try stopping for as long as I can, but my stupid head just won't quit! My husband, my patients, my friends... all deserve better and I don't even feel that I'm worth helping because of my stubbornness.

[Tom1]

Hey TL. Instead of thinking of NEVER going back, why not just try one day at a time, advise given to me but rarely used (working on it).Coffee and liver protection? Maybe some mild antioxidant effects for those who drink moderate,there is no way a study would have been allowed in the US using the quantity of ETOH you, I and many others here consume on a regular basis.Did the study also show that coffee protected the heart, brain, kidneys, marriage, family, and career of the alcohol abuser?There is a moderation movement that is for drinking "normally" but to start you need to abstain 30 days than re introduce etoh. Why not try that? See if you can go 30 days. Gotta fly...

[zoomie]

To lie to your doctor is a sure sign you got a problem. I did it for many years. Just think your only 29, there may be no problems yet! As Tom said try taking it a day at a time, that is how I stay recovered. I may or may not pick up 2 years from now,but today I will not and that is a good feeling.

[TaylorLeigh]

Zoomie and Tom... I know you are both right. Tom, you are right about there not being many studies about any other organs. They think antioxidants and decreasing blood insulin levels may play a role in staving off liver damage to a degree. I'm not saying I'm going to lie to my MD either. I probably won't write it down on the sheet... I'll just check the 'yes' if it asks that question (Do you drink alcohol?), but if asked, I'll be honest.

Anyway, I told my husband last Thursday that I'd stay away from alcohol for a week. I did really well Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon. Sure I thought about it here and there, but it was NOT AT ALL OVERWHELMING! I knew this would be a good week because I have a very non-stressful rotation. Today, however, I'm practically daydreaming about it. I can taste it. I can feel it. I'm not going to drink it... but this can't possibly be my time limit. Maybe I'm just too focused on taking a week off. I can't get it out of my head and I just want to be left alone!

[Chewi]

Hi TL! I hope you are doing well. I give you credit for coming here and being honest and exploring and trying to get to the truth of your drinking.

From my experience, when I am not drinking and I am daily in contact with God, I am so much happier because I don't have to think/obsess about alcohol all the time. I have truly learned how to be happy, joyous and free. May you find the same!:D

[zoomie]

so if your not asked you will not tell right?

[BlueGreenHumility]

This is a terrific topic, thanks for sharing! Ugh, it is so tough to not drink sometimes. I see it partially as a crutch, partially as a chemical issue. Why do I want to drink when I want to? To numb the pain, to show that I can (but I really can't, otherwise I'd have stopped at 1 or 2 rather than when the bottle was empty), to escape (which really doesn't work because toward the end, the escape caused me to feel shame and hungover, which then required even more booze). And then there's the way alcohol messess with our brain chemistry. I have found vitamins and amino acids (check outThe Mood Cure and Seven Weeks to Sobriety for info on nutrition supplementation) to be very very helpful in getting me on an even keel emotionally and phsyically, which helps to say no to the drink. So does a great workout!

[TaylorLeigh]

Thank you Chewi. So much of a nicer response than just assuming I'm "arrogant, immature and stubborn." :wink: Of course I can see how it appears that way. I'll agree with the stubborn one though.

Zoomie... On our clinic forms at the dental school, they ask "Do you drink any type of alcohol?" Quantity_____ # of Years______. How does one fill out a quantity? And I haven't had this quantity for all of my drinking years. So if it was on the medical form for my MD as well, I'd at least put 'yes'... that is honest. If asked to elaborate, I'll tell her. If I'm not asked I'll leave it at "yes"

Blue Green, thanks. I hear you loud and clear. I'm happy you came to the resolution you did. Def agree with the workout too... even on weeks like this my physical activity goes up bc I have time to kill. I go on a lot of 5-6 mile runs and it does feel good! I've always liked working out but in a very different way than I like to drink :smile: