My toxic co-dependent relationship

[Hazel]

For almost the last 12 months I have been with someone and I know our relationship is toxic and I have tried so many times to leave but have been unable to – I think it reached the end last night though.

I believe I am co-dependent, my enabling behaviour isn’t around him being addicted to anything. He has social anxiety and agoraphobia and rather than help him overcome this I have helped him to become more and more insular – he is very much like a bird with a broken wing. I will do what he wants and never what I want to ensure that he never steps outside of his comfort zone. It means I will shop for him, he has never met any of my friends or family and I will go and support him wherever he needs to go.

He pushes boundaries and one of my issues is I have none so no matter how far he pushes, no matter how mean he is to me, no matter how much he makes me cry I still come back for more. He says jump and I pretty much ask how high? – When he wants me to leave because I am crowding him (we only see each other at weekends) I go, if he then wants me to come back because he’s lonely or bored I do. Sex has become violent – a part of me enjoys being humiliated sexually by him, I love his strength and force but even that has gone too far, but I can’t fight back – he’s 6’ 6” and weighs about 5 stone more than me so even when I try I can’t. We have a safety word for when it goes too far, but even that doesn’t work now.

I sound pathetic and a bit of a sap, I ask myself why I stay when it is simply unhealthy and bordering on abusive almost. There was a spark when we first met and I got hooked on the drama of it all. Last night he questioned how far he would push it and how I can’t stop him pushing the boundaries with me. I was at his last night and stayed the night – I got a couple of hours sleep on my own (he’s withdrawing from Seroxat and currently not working and not at university), I actually woke up alone feeling what we had wasn’t right anymore – as though the fact he wasn’t sleeping with me was a bigger issue than everything else, I unpacked my drawer with the little things I leave at his (hairdryer etc). Then he cane to bed – he was very odd. Saying he couldn’t stop his head racing, that he had angry thoughts, that he didn’t want me there and wished I hadn’t come over (he was the one who invited me), he said he felt like lashing out, hitting me. I still lay there beside him and tried to understand – he turned the light on and talked and held my hand and asked I talk to him and look at him. I did but I think I felt it was over.

This morning when I woke up (although I never really slept on his insistence of talking to him and looking at him) to get ready to go to work I think I knew I had to leave and never go back. I wiped the history off his computer browser I use, took my key to my place that he has on his keyring and left the one I have for his place. I said goodbye, he was half asleep, we hugged, kissed – I had tears in my eyes. He said he loved me, which hurt – I said it back, because I do love him even though he is awful to me and makes me feel awful. I left and haven’t been in touch. Over the next few weeks (although the next few days will be awful) I will need support to get me through this and need to be told I am doing the right thing, because right now I feel raw and hurt, numb and sad and very very weak.

[Rhinebeckm7aim.com]

I'm not encouraging you to enable him, but you could simply mention to him that there is a 12 Step Program for Social Anxiety (Social Anxiety Anonymous) which he can Google if needed.

They also have telephone meetings which are used by a lot of agoraphobics (a lot of agoraphobia is really just a kind of social anxiety, not all-- but a lot of it is).

Best, Phil



For almost the last 12 months I have been with someone and I know our relationship is toxic and I have tried so many times to leave but have been unable to – I think it reached the end last night though.

I believe I am co-dependent, my enabling behaviour isn’t around him being addicted to anything. He has social anxiety and agoraphobia and rather than help him overcome this I have helped him to become more and more insular – he is very much like a bird with a broken wing. I will do what he wants and never what I want to ensure that he never steps outside of his comfort zone. It means I will shop for him, he has never met any of my friends or family and I will go and support him wherever he needs to go.

He pushes boundaries and one of my issues is I have none so no matter how far he pushes, no matter how mean he is to me, no matter how much he makes me cry I still come back for more. He says jump and I pretty much ask how high? – When he wants me to leave because I am crowding him (we only see each other at weekends) I go, if he then wants me to come back because he’s lonely or bored I do. Sex has become violent – a part of me enjoys being humiliated sexually by him, I love his strength and force but even that has gone too far, but I can’t fight back – he’s 6’ 6” and weighs about 5 stone more than me so even when I try I can’t. We have a safety word for when it goes too far, but even that doesn’t work now.

I sound pathetic and a bit of a sap, I ask myself why I stay when it is simply unhealthy and bordering on abusive almost. There was a spark when we first met and I got hooked on the drama of it all. Last night he questioned how far he would push it and how I can’t stop him pushing the boundaries with me. I was at his last night and stayed the night – I got a couple of hours sleep on my own (he’s withdrawing from Seroxat and currently not working and not at university), I actually woke up alone feeling what we had wasn’t right anymore – as though the fact he wasn’t sleeping with me was a bigger issue than everything else, I unpacked my drawer with the little things I leave at his (hairdryer etc). Then he cane to bed – he was very odd. Saying he couldn’t stop his head racing, that he had angry thoughts, that he didn’t want me there and wished I hadn’t come over (he was the one who invited me), he said he felt like lashing out, hitting me. I still lay there beside him and tried to understand – he turned the light on and talked and held my hand and asked I talk to him and look at him. I did but I think I felt it was over.

This morning when I woke up (although I never really slept on his insistence of talking to him and looking at him) to get ready to go to work I think I knew I had to leave and never go back. I wiped the history off his computer browser I use, took my key to my place that he has on his keyring and left the one I have for his place. I said goodbye, he was half asleep, we hugged, kissed – I had tears in my eyes. He said he loved me, which hurt – I said it back, because I do love him even though he is awful to me and makes me feel awful. I left and haven’t been in touch. Over the next few weeks (although the next few days will be awful) I will need support to get me through this and need to be told I am doing the right thing, because right now I feel raw and hurt, numb and sad and very very weak.

[clean42day]

Hi Hazel,

First let me say that I "feel" for you :42: and also thank you for your honestly.


I also want to congratulate you on following your intuition, recognizing what "unhealthy" is and having the courage to walk away and begin to honor your highest good. Many relationships deteriorate into unhealthy dependencies and, as you described, it ends up making both people sick on so many levels.....enabling is only one of them.

I am a survivor of abusive relationships and even though I have left it all behind me -and have healed from the damage done - I still feel the scars from time to time. It is never easy to walk away from all that we know.....but the biggest and most powerful thing a person can do - is recognize the "need" to walk.......and then take the "journey". I remember walking away from him - but what I realized was that - for the very first time in my life what I was really doing was "choosing me". That was a huge breakthrough for me.

One thing my counselor pointed out to me was for whatever reason - (in the past) I picked my partners on a subconscious level. My self esteem was so low - I would pick people to rescue and ones that needed caretaking so I could feel needed and valuable in the relationship. and it was me who created an unhealthy dependency and then I resented the other persons neediness. I settled for being needed instead of being loved on an equal and honorable level. Is a matter of fact, I described my 14 year relationship in exactly the same way as you "he was like a bird with a broken wing and how could I leave him crippled and walk away?". But I learned that staying out of guilt is not love.......what it is - is codependency.

So once I did leave....the next leg of my own journey began. I sought out counseling - because I didn't want to repeat the same relationships patterns with another person. What that meant is that I had to begin to work on a relationship with myself and change the things I could about me - so I would become healthier and more balanced. If I didn't grow - I was destined to "pick" another man to be codependent with. It was absolutley imperitive that I "learned" what healthy is and what it meant and what healthy looked like in a relationship. And the best way to learn that - was to start practicing treating myself with dignity and respect first.

I personally stayed out of relationships for 5 years to learn how to do that. and when it came time to "try out" my new relationships skills and test out the new me.....I put my "picker" away and prayed that God would either lead me to the right person for me - or that he would "place" him in my life.

That happened 2 years ago this month....and that first year was pretty rocky....but I can tell you now - that I broke my own patterns to "run"....to enable - and to create kaos so he would abondone me. I went thorugh every form of sabatage that I normally do - but with an Awareness that I was doing it....and I stayed as honest as I could with myself and with him....and I made it through to the other side.
More importantly D made it through to the other side with me.....and we are now engaged to be married next year.

I said all that to say this.....: What feels like the "end" of something - can and must be the beginning of something else......

Ending that relationship can be the best thing that you have ever done and can be the beginning of the next stage of your development. Keep moving forward sweetie....:15: learning how to love you.....because "we teach people how to treat us" and the very first indicator of that is how to role model treating yourself.

here's a little poem that inspiried me to not give up hope. I hope it heps you.

light and love

Gail

DON’T LOOK BACK

As you travel through life there are always those
times when decisions just have to be made,
when the choices are hard and solutions seem
scarce and the rain seems to soak your parade!

There are some situations where all you can
do is to simply let go and move on,
gather courage together and choose a direction
that carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward.
The process of change can be tough.
But think about all the excitement ahead,
if you can be willing enough!

There could be adventures you never imagined
just waiting around the next bend
and wishes and dreams just about to come true
in ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from
new interests, as you challenge your status quo
and learn there are so many options in life,
and so many ways you can grow!

Perhaps you'll go places you never expected
and see things that you've never seen,
or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds and
wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth, affection and caring,
a "somebody special" who's there
to help you stay centered and listen with interest
to stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your
friends
are supportive of all that you do
and believe that whatever decisions you make,
they'll be the right choices for you!

So keep putting one foot in front of the other
and taking your life day by day.
There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the
road.
Don't look back, you're not going that way!

[serenity3]

God....get out get out get out xxxx

[serenity3]

and be kind to yourself xxx
"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these." --George Washington Carver

The word kindness is made up of two syllables--KIND and NESS. KIND means forgiving, warm-hearted, friendly, of a sympathetic or helpful nature, gentle, merciful, and tender. NESS is a suffix that means a state, condition, quality or degree. When the two syllables are combined they result in the following definition: KINDNESS: The quality or state of being warm-hearted, considerate, humane and sympathetic.