Need some help/advise

[damille]

Hi, my name is Dennis and I have an adult son who is addicted to drugs. He and I have had no contact for two years. His 30th birthday is August 25th and I'd like to go see him. I want to clear the air between us and attempt to salvage some kind of relationship with him. He lives in North Carolina and I live in Georgia. I'm seeking any advise on how to go about this.

Thanks!

[bry]

Dennis,
Not knowing what your relationship was in the past it's hard to say. For me I would call and say I'd like to see him for his birthday and maybe do dinner. If he says no I would just tell him I'm here for him whenever he wants to talk. If he agrees to meet then I would go and follow my fatherly instincts and let him know I'm there for him as a father.
Sorry if that's not much help.
Good Luck!
Bry

[snugsnug]

Hey Dennis,
I agree with bry, and I would also like to sugest that you write a letter, saying everything that you want to. Then don't mail it but put it under your pillow and pray on it.
I too have an adult daughter.She is still in active addiction. I have finally gotten the courage to turn her over to the care of God. He can do what we can't do for ourselves!
Keep coming back.
We love you

[janbear]

Hi Dennis and welcome to cyberRecovery. Bry and snugsnug have made good suggestions for you.

[Misselle]

You have received lot of good advice here - please do let us know how it goes.

[admin]

Hi damille, :48: Glad to have you join us. I agree - you have received some great suggestions. Please let us know how it goes with your son. We care and are here for you.

Your Friend In Recovery,
Tammy

[damille]

I appreciate the welcomes, words of encouragement and advise. My son and I had an exceptional relationship after his mother and I divorced when he was only 4. He grew up in NC with his mother and step-father, but he and I regularly saw each other and talked on the phone weekly. His drug abuse began early in his teens and progressed after high school as he approached 20. I "rescued" him from drug dealers who had kidnapped him and left him for dead tied to a tree in the woods by allowing him to come to my home to live, two states away from the threats. The only rules, no drugs and he had to find a job! He continued the drug abuse and his negative behavior increased with arrests for theft and DUI. He stole from me, lied about anything and everything and blamed everyone but himself for his problems. Finally, I delivered an ultimatim to clean up or get out, so he left and returned to his mother in NC. A couple of years of no contact, then we reconciled because he said he had cleaned up his life. His first day back in my home, he totalled his car and admitted to being high which caused the accident. After a couple of months of half-hearted job hunting, I delivered another ultimatim: get help for his addiction or get out. He went back to NC and the enabling mother. Now, after two years of zero contact with me, he's approaching his 30th birthday, still living with his mother and working a dead-end job (that his mother got him) in a factory . I've come to the realization that I cannot make him change his lifestyle or behavior however I refuse to write him out of my life completely. I want him to know that I love him and would like to have him in my life, but at the same time I will not compromise my morals, ethics and beliefs and want him to know how I feel. I'm torn about whether to let him know in advance that I'm coming to see him or to just show up.

Again, thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement, prayers and support.
Dennis

[Doraine]

Dennis I have a 30 year old daughter who is still an active alcoholic. Nothing I say to her has made any difference. I pray for her nightly. It's all I can do. I say try to contact your son and see if he'll see you. You'll know you did what you can not to write him out of your life no matter what the outcome.Good luck.

[flickchic]

:54:Dennis and :51:

My eldest daughter now 19 was an active drug addict 3+ years ago and it was so hard for me to let go that I couldn't stop her or change her. I commend you on realising you are helpless to do the same for you son. I too had to give my daughter an ultimatium and I think it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do as far as my kids go. I did tell her that my door would always be open to her, that I loved her and was only a phone call away but I wasn't having her living under my roof whilst she was active, it was impacting too much upon the other children as well as myself. Grateful to share that she did hit her own "rock bottom" and cleaned up. Today I am very proud of her and make sure she knows that.

I've come to the realization that I cannot make him change his lifestyle or behavior however I refuse to write him out of my life completely. I want him to know that I love him and would like to have him in my life, but at the same time I will not compromise my morals, ethics and beliefs and want him to know how I feel. :1: :1:

I agree; there has been some really good advice given here and I pray you are able to come to a decision for your direction with your son. I suggest for your own emotional stability that you approach him with no expectations and be as concious as you can of the fact that he is still active and sadly may not be able to true be to his word on anything positive. Just try and be mindful that active addicts of any kind are generally "very self focused", and will do and take what they can for themselves. Not trying to dump on your son or belittle him, am an ex user and recovering alcoholic myself, have come to understand how "I" was when active.

I pray all goes ok with your reconciliation, if that is the path you choose to take and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.:195:

There is much warm and caring support availble here and know that you are welcome to come and share/ask questions etc whenever you want/need to. :42:

[b4angeleyes]

Hello, I have been through some of the same things with my son who is 21 we started haveing problems with him when he was about 14 he left home I think it was right before he turned 17 he has come back a few time needing help only to steal from us time and time again to feed his addiction he won't admit he has a problem he has been in jail 4 times. He has had DUI's DWI's. He won't keep a job. always blames others for everything that goes wrong in his life. He was high and was in a wreck and hit a lady with a baby he almost killed them as well as himself and his friends. I now understand what addiction can do to you but the bottom line I have always told him I love him not the things he does I won't help him in ways that help his addiction like money if he needs gas for his car I will get gas I go with him and make sure the gas is in his car and I pay. If he needs food I will buy food for him things like that. The biggest thing is the step your taking start with a letter or a phone call and no matter what let him know he is your son and you love him and always will but you don't love the things he does.

[Prescott]

Hi Dennis and welcome to our group. It's great that you want to make things right with your son. What does he want? Your son is in an active disease...
12 step recovery programs can address these problems, but he has to willing to accept he has a problem. You can offer love and support and help him get treatment...but in the end it's up to him. Allot of people die in their addiction,
so if you want to see him go. Try to get him help and offer love and support.
You may not get a chance if he cotinues to use/abuse drugs and alcohol. Addiction is a progressive disease, recovery works!! Keep coming back!! Let us know how it goes.

[cassie]

Hi Dennis
I am cassie, grateful recovering alcoholic. I have a grown daughter who does drink socially. I pray every day that she does not let the escapism of alcohol become a coping mechanism. Our family seems to have the addiction gene. She didn't see me at my worst but has still had to deal with the pain and loss this disease has cost.

I hope you will call your son before going to see him. My family experience shows me that as long as there is an enabler available to pick up the pieces, the chances for seeking recovery willingly are slim. That detachment from someone you love so much is a hard burden to carry. For me, letting go and letting God is how I survive each 24. As Janbear's signature says, we can only be a lighthouse - not a lifeboat.

Please keep coming back to share with us. You and your son are in my prayers. :195:

cassie

[CD BUCKBERRY]

:DDennis,I agree with all the other folks on the forum.We don't know what kind of past you and your son have had.Write a letter,say what you have to say.Both of you should ask for each others apoligy about the past.You know bury the hatchet.Start out fresh.We are all only here for a while now as we get older,it is better to be at peace in the end than be hated.Tell him to call you or you ask for phone number and start the processyourself.