Minute by Minute

[Aprilskyzz]

As I go through the days, I have been doing it minute by minute. It seems to be helping. I have been coming in here and going to meetings too.

My body is starting to heal physically, but the anxiety and the cravings are overwhelming. I know that it time it will get easier, but for now, I have this minute right now and I am clean. Hope is a wonderful thing.

I just wanted to let everyone in here know that I really appreciate all the replies and what you have to say. I feel that I am not alone and that is a wonderful feeling. Thanks everyone.

Off to a meeting I go. Talk to all soon. Thanks for the support.

Sincerely, April

[Doraine]

It's great that you're going to meetings. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking it minute by minute and I promise you it will get better.

[zoomie]

(((((((((((((((Huggys)))))))))))))

[janbear]

I remember when i first came into the program staying clean and sober minute by minute, i had to break it down from taking it by the days, but time grows i discovered. :97:
It does get better!:42:

[Aprilskyzz]

Minute by Minute is not working for me today. I am down to seconds. I am having a really hard time today. Very angry for some reason. I guess it goes with the territory of becoming clean.

I feel horrible today. Hot flashes are driving me nuts and I am really tired. Not being able to sleep is tough then having to do the next days every day life thing is tough.

Sorry. Just venting. Had to get it out. Still clean though. 2 weeks and 2 days and counting.'

Thanks for the support everyonel. And the hugs. I really need it right now.

April

[janbear]

:42:

[zoomie]

Good monring April, I hope to day is a better day for you.

[Aprilskyzz]

Good morning everyone.

Well today is going to be a very tough one. I have to go to court for charges against me. I really did not do what they are accusing me of (hard to believe coming from an addict). I refuse to let it turn me back to the drugs. Today is day number 18. I plan on going to a meeting later today but for now coming in here before court helps me so much.

Thanks for all the hugs. They help immensely. Thanks for caring too. I am so grateful to this site. It is such an important part of my recovery. There is so much support in here. Thanks again everyone. I will be back later and let you know how court went. (Crossing fingers that it just gets thrown out. I do not see what they possibly can have on me). They do not know about my addiction so I know that they can't accuse me for taking money to buy drugs. Wish me luck.

Hugs to all . April

[Aprilskyzz]

Home from court. I got a public defender and the case was continued to next month. What a pain. I still have no idea what they can possibly have on me. I won't know until i get to speak to my public defender. I kind of just want to pay the money back to make it go away, but on the other hand, why should I admit or give up my money for someone else's crime. I don't know. I guess i will just take it at it comes as long as I stay clean, good things should happen. Right?

I have the rest of the day off. I don't know what to do with myself. I like it when I am working because it gives me something to focus on. My house is a mess so maybe I should keep busy by cleaning it. I really do not feel like cleaning though. It's hot and I slept only 4 hours last night. That's better than none though, so I shouldn't complain.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day and thanks for listening.
April

[free2bunme]

Hey April

Doesn't writing help so much? I don't think I could have gotten through early recovery without being able to come here and download all of my thoughts and feelings on to this board.

The rollercoaster will even out eventually. Until then, just hang on and make it through however you need to -- just don't drink or use, no matter what. I've heard a saying that I like "There's nothing that a sandwhich and a nap can't make better." I know you are having trouble sleeping ... if you can just lay quiet though, you might be able to nod off. I know in the early days when things just seemed too overwhelming, I would just go to bed. Something about having covers over you is very comforting. I would ask God to hold me in His lap while I rested. That helped.

Take care,
Frannie

[Aprilskyzz]

Not having a good day. I have one of my famous migraine headaches and I can't stand it. It is so hard not taking pain meds when I am in so much pain. If only I could use them as prescribed but I know that that is not possible so I have no choice but to deal with it. I did take some Alieve and it is starting to help somewhat.

Today is going by so slow. It seems an eternity until it is time to go to a meeting. I just hope I can make it. It's hard to focus and go places when you are not feeling well but the meeting tonight is 5 minutes away from my home so at least I do not have to travel. The mood I am in, I need to go to this meeting.

My emotions are up and down today. Mostly down. I was able to take a nap though so that is a good thing. Thank God for this site. I would explode if I could not talk about what I am feeling right now. I really need to get it out and talking to everyone in here, I know that they can relate. I just can't wait until it gets easier. It is so hard right now but I am clean so maybe it's not as hard as I think it is. Using is harder. Deep breaths and taking it as it comes. Anxiety level is very high right now but I know that that will subside if I just let it go. Sorry about the negativity. Just not feeling so happy right now. I have so much going on right now that I am overwhelmed. As they say "This too will pass".

Thanks for listening. April

[free2bunme]

Hey April -

I hope when you read this that you are having a better day.

There is absolutely no need to apologize for what you are feeling! getting clean is not easy .. if it was, everyone would do it! i know that i could not have done it without the fellowship on the site and in face to face meetings.

you are right where you are supposed to be ... hopefully you can use this hard time later for good, as an incentive not to ever have to go through it again... at least that is what i try to do.

I remember being exactly where you are -- like time was moving backwards or something! i remember telling someone at a meeting when i had like 30 days - this is the longest hour of my life!

I also remember wanting to punch people who kept saying "it does get easier" because i was like -- "well what about now???" and "i dont know if i believe you." i promise promise promise it does.

keep on sharing and keep on getting to meetings. you're doing great.

love,
frannie

[Aprilskyzz]

Thanks for the words of encouragement frannie. Reading what you have to say really helps.

I actually got some sleep last night, so I am at least ready to start my day with a little more energy then the past few weeks. My headache is completely gone, so that helps with not craving meds so much. It is so difficult when I am in pain and know that there are meds to take to make it a little easier, but as I have said before, can't do that.

I am looking forward to going to work today. I plan on working ten hour days to make up the time I lost by having to take yesterday off. At least, I will be busy and keep my mind occupied. I really have to stop isolating myself, feeling sorry for myself, and thinking why me?

I still am not able to use the numbers I got from NA meetings, but that is something I will work on. I also still have not been able to share at meetings, but I did participate last night with reading the 7th step instead of passing. That is a step forward.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day. Talk to you soon.
April

[Aprilskyzz]

Actually got some sleep last night. I saw my doctor yesterday, not the one that gives me the pain meds, my primary care one. He took one look at me and instantly asked me what is going on. I told him about misuing the meds and the withdrawals and not being able to sleep so well. He was really concerned because of all the weight i have lost. I have been taking meds for my thyroid, and one of the side effects is weight lost, so that might be a possibility as well as all the pain meds that i was taking, so off for bloodwork i go. He giving me a complete work-up to make sure that I am ok. He is a wonderful doctor and was so understanding. I really haven't been feeling great that is why I went to see him. I am wondering if my thyroid is acting funny or if i really need to take synthroid. My pain med doctor was the one who put me on it after sending me for labs. I was complaining of being tired all of the time and my t-counts were off. This was at the beginning of my journey of abusing meds. I was taking them as prescribed at the time so I guess you could say that I am starting to care about myself by going to my primary care doctor to make sure that i have not caused too much damage to my body, my liver in particular.

Today is going to be a good day. I feel pretty hopeful today for some reason. Not sure why, but that's ok, i'm running with it. I have alot to do at work today so i will be keeping busy. With my job, I can always find something to do.

Hope everyone has a great day and thanks for listening.

April

[free2bunme]

How wonderful to have such a caring doctor, April. That is a blessing. Congrats on your great attitude today ("today is going to be a good day"). I know that it has been for you. Great job.
Love,
Frannie

[Doraine]

It's good for your recovery to get a complete medical evaluation. We do a lot of damage when we're abusing substances. Good job taking care of yourself.

[cassie]

Hello April :smile:
What a great experience to have caring doctor. I am glad you are taking the information and running with a positive mental attitude. Let us know, please, how things turn out. :42:
cassie

[Aprilskyzz]

My day went well today. I accomplished alot. Unfortunately, my night isn't doing as well. My boyfriend and I are having an argument. I walked away from it because I hate fighting. It takes too much energy and words hurt when them come out in anger. He just really dosen't understand what I am going through. He called me selfish. I worked a very long day and he wanted me to jump and do something and I told him that I was tired. My body has been through alot with all the meds I was taking that it is going to take time to heal. I was taking the meds for almost one year.

He is having a difficult time with all of this and I understand that but he needs to back off. He is continuously rubbing in my face what I did by using and I really do not need that. I have been clean for 19 days. I am new to recovery and it is going to take some time. I have been here before seven years ago, but it is so much harder this time. I tried to explain to him how his words hurt, but he dosen't even realize that he is rubbing things in my face so that makes is so much more difficult. I asked him if he would consider going to Alonon meeting so that maybe he could talk to others, especially those who have been going for awhile and get some information on how to deal with living with an addict and how to understand the disease of addiction . He hasn't agreed to doing this yet, but I will continue to try and convince him. I just don't know what to do. I have enough guilt without someone else putting more on me. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Cassie, thanks for the words. They really help. I need to be able to communicate with others that understand how I am feeling and what I am going through.

Thanks for listening everyone. I can't talk to my boyfriend right now and let him know how I am feeling because I am so fired up. I did email him though.

April

[Aprilskyzz]

My day went very well today and my boyfriend and I talked through things. He really understands that his words hurt and said that he is trying to work on that. He is trying so hard to be supportive. I give him alot of credit, but I also am starting to stick up for myself. I am not letting my guilt get in the way of protecting myself. The past is there, even though it is still fresh, but I cannot change that. I can only move forward and continue to work on my recovery. Good for me *patting myself on the back lol*

The headache I had this morning went away, so that is a good thing. I hate them. Absolutely hate them. My joints still hurt though. I know with time, my body will heal and that too will go away.

I was supposed to call the chiropractor today, but didn't. I was so busy, but that is not an excuse. I need to make the time. I hear they can do wonderful things when it comes to headaches without the use of meds. Wouldn't hurt to try. I have health insurance and it covers the visits so I have no excuse not to go. Even if I didn't have the insurance, I always found a way to pay for the drugs, so I should be able to pay for the healing.

I am hoping for some sleep tonight. At least I do not have to work tomorrow so if sleep dosen't come to me very well, I can have the opportunity to relax and not have to push myself to get up and ready.

Boy, I am in a positive mood. I like it lol.

Going to go write in my journal now, so talk to you all again soon.

Sincerely, April

[Aprilskyzz]

I am so upset right now. I found some percocets in my pocketbook and I took them. I feel horrible. I did not go out and get more. I took two.

I told my boyfriend becaus the guilt that i was feeling in the hopes that he would support me through. Unfortunately that is not the response I got. He left me. I am so depressed right now and feel horrible about myself

I need some support guy. Please help.

Thanks april

[free2bunme]

April -

1. It is the most natural thing in the world for you to have taken those percocet. that is what drug addicts do: we take drugs.
2. shake it off and decide to start over from here --- the next 24 hours can start right now.
3. forgive yourself. you are doing the best that you can. remember the positive in this: progress --- at least you did not go out and get more, you stopped at the 2 that you found.
4. talk to God about your powerlessness over your disease, ask Him for help -- tell Him you can't do it on your own, as evidenced by what happened today.
5. be proud of yourself for being honest with your boyfriend. that was courageous and the right thing to do for yourself and your recovery.
6. you are powerless over your boyfriend's reaction. somehow God has a plan in this, yet to be revealed. i know that doesnt help you feel better one bit right now. i just want to tell you that i am so sorry that you are hurting about this, and i know that you can get through it. i will keep you in my prayers tonight and check on you in the morning.

HANG IN THERE.

Love,
Frannie

[Aprilskyzz]

Thanks for the words Frannie.

I was feeling anger yesterday, but now it is depression and sadness. I just cannot believe that he would leave me when I need him most. Am I expecting too much. I know if it were the other way around, I would help hom through it. I am at work right now because I think there is something wrong with my phoneline at home and that is why I keep getting booted.

I am clean today and am going minute by minute. My heart is heavy and can't keep from crying. I really wish I did not tell him. I just don't want to lie anymore. I don't know. I am so full of mixed emotions right now that I cannot think straight. Life can be quite challenging. I don't like life on it's terms sometimes.

well gotta go. I need to keep myself busy.

april

[Aprilskyzz]

Starting a new day. Things are going a better. I called my boyfriend and we had a very serios talk. I was so afraid to call, but I humbled myself and did it. He had written me a letter telling me things I never knew he felt. He complimented to so much and I never knew that was the way he saw me. He said that i am a very intelligent woman and do whatever I set my mind on. I told him that maybe he she tells me this things instead of always pointing out the negative. He has a bay habit of doing that. He doesn' realize how his words can hurt so I explained that to him. He is right if I don't let the drugs get in the way. I moved up in my new place of employment in three months compared to the six month evaluation. I have alot of information in my head to share with others. Sometimes, I know things and don't know how I learned them. I will get into a situation and find a way to get out of it, that of course, is an addict's way, but I don't mean in in the addiction part of things. I mean in it in a life's terms way.

My daughter just called me and is very excited about going to a meeting with me this morning. She is so willing to learn about addiction and I am so happy that she realizes that it is a disease and my intentions deep down inside of me was never to hurt anyone that I love. I just could not help it when I was using. It feels so good to come clean with her. She is such a great kid and said things that I really needed to hear. She told me that I am a strong person and she really looks up to me and knows that I can do anything that I set my mind on. I explained to her that this disease runs in both sides of her family and if she picks up any kind of drug or drink, she might find herself in the same situation. At this time, she has never tried anything and she is 15 years old so I am so proud of her. I just wish it were the same for my oldest daughter. We are really worried about her, but I need to concentrate on my own recovery before I can help her.

I want to stay in recovery so bad. I never wanted anything more in my life. Well, I did in the past when I was using herion, but I am not talking about the past. I am talking about today. Today is what matters.

With everything that is going on, I did not use. I am very proud of myself because you know how we addicts are. We will use any excuse.

I am looking forward to today. There are some good things happening and I feel really happy today. I know that can change at any moment being new in recovery but right now, right in this minute, I feel happiness. God does have a plan for me. I prayed to him last night for the first tme in my recovery. I am not a very spiritual person but it felt good to talk to him. I feel that he listened and is going to get me through this.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

April

[Aprilskyzz]

Today is going to be a good day. I am starting it off with a meeting and my daughter is coming with me. I talked to her last night and explained what I was going through and she told me that she already new that I was taking too much of my medication. Her father just went through the same thing and she saw the same symptoms that he went through in me. The week that I was sick was when she figured it out for sure. She didn't say anything to me because she was waiting for me to tell her. She is such a great kid. She told me things that I really needed to hear. She said that she is so proud of me that I decided to stop taking the drugs and get help. She told me that that is a courageous thing to do and she really looks up to me. I was so worried on how she was going to handle this because in the past when I was using I had lost her. It took me years to get her back. I did not she her for 1 1/2 years and that was tough. Her father never told her that I was fighting to see her, He made her think that I just abandoned her. She recently found all my court paperwork and read alot of stuff. I kept a journal on how I tried to contact her and how her father would not let it happen. I never told her the things that her father did because I did not want to ruin her relationship with him. I did tell her that I was fighting to see her, but I never got into details about it. I am kind of glad that she found the paperwork because it helped to fill a void that she had inside of her and was carrying around with her. She was so happy to see how hard I was fighting. Things happen for a reason I guess.

I prayed to God last night for the first time in my recovery. I am not a very spiritual person, but I know that I need his help to get through this. They say that God does not give you more than you can handle. Sometimes, it feels like he does, but eventually things work out. It felt good to talk to him and I now know that he has a plan for me. I am not quite sure what it is, but I am going to take it day by day and it will come to me.

Thanks for all the support. I need to go get ready. Talk to you all soon.

Love, April

[janbear]

They say that God does not give you more than you can handle. Sometimes, it feels like he does, but eventually things work out.:1: So true, April. That is one of my favorite says in the program. "God will not allow anything to happen to me that He and i can't handle together":1:

[Aprilskyzz]

I went to a meeting tonight. My headache returned from this morning. They have been coming for the last few days and at times, are unbearable, but I guess it is something that i am going to learn to deal with without the pain meds which only masked them for a little while, but that little while was a blessing. It so hard at time not to turn to them. If only I could use them as prescribe, but I know that that is no possible so i need to travel new areas.

My job has had been pretty busy. I have three quarterly reviews due all within a week and having to try and look at a computer can be very trying, but I was able to get one done and my supervisor was very impressed. Imagine if I didn't have a headache.

I have a new project that I need to take care of which is going to be so time consuming due to it not being done for 1 1/2 years prior to me starting so that is going to take alot of my time. I went to start it today, but just was not motivated. I spoke to the person who is going to come to the houe to audit my training records and I told her that i needed some time, so she is going to audit other departments in the agency that have had consistent managers first so that i bought some more time. i know that i can get the work done, I just hope i have a good day without a headache.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster ride and my moods to be changes at a moments notice. I am having a hard time concentrating lately. Some due to the headaches, other due to the newly being back in recovery. I know that I stated that i was going to start networking with other NA people, but still have not done this. I am struggling with making that first phone call. I guess when I am ready, I will do it. One day at a time.

I haven't posted in my journal today, but time for me to get some rest. I worked many hours in the past two days and need to recover.

Thanks for listening and I will keep coming back. I enjoy the replies that i get. They really help me immensely.

Goodnight to all.
April