keeping it all together

[river]

hello, its me river and these last days i have been put through the ringer i am in a outpatient rehab and its either there or prison not that i am only there to avoid the consequences it just took me to do what i did to get back in treatment and recovery i am learning though that i find my recovery in the rooms well my situation is hardly anything to minimize but i went outside my group to find out who is leaking stuff from the group and this was breaking confidentiality and so it is ok i know now but the thing is is that i am being targeted at saying things i never said, this bothers me because they want me to admit to something i did not do and now am suspended for 2 weeks and this is not so bad, because i do miss my days outside from the program but really bothers me is that i am trying so hard to keep myself up above the wateres yesterday i so ba d wanted to hitchhike to col from ny tosee my daughter i wanted to use i wanted to vanish i am fighting so hard to keep my freedom from self destruction and i do pray, i am open to see what these two weeks will bring me in what it is God has for me ,and yes i am scared because i have fears that things dont always go good i dont want any more bad news and that is my fear. i gotto go now cause i spent too much time trying to email something of a prayer and my time is up but i do hope i hear from you

river

[janbear]

i am open to see what these two weeks will bring me in what it is God has for me :1: :42:

[zoomie]

(((((((((((((River)))))))))) just take it a day at a time and the two weeks will be up. Praying for you.

[Prescott]

Hi River, Hang it there. Remember others talk about others cause they don't want to look at their own actions.

[river]

thankyou janbear, your name reminds me of when i use to be on dead tour, that quote from shakespear , and the line i written about what god has in plans for me , is what keeps me going i remember you written about you losing your dad and i never replied to my sympathies because that is my worst fear in life and i have a way of avoiding things, by pushing them down in the realm of forgetfullness or avoidance, i want to say darkness because i let myself not see what i need to . sometimes i seperate myself from my family so i dont get hurt. my brother passed away when i was in prison in 86, and i never knew what it was like to miss him untill 7 years later when i went home, and my first thanksgiving dinner with family and he was not there. I was in prison for one year undere the rockefellow law for pocession then moved to the bronx and after my husband passed on i left newyork and hithched on the road with the heads, and returned years later, I am a stranger to my family , we are building a relationship but i am never arouond long enough to continue its growth, am i saying to much about me ? i am in a space these last few weeks just ot let everything out and i like to write , sometimes i get carried away in my thoughts, but i find you easy to let out what i think there is something about your spirit i llike i sense you are a very kind helpful, beautifull person , and thankyou so much for my avatar its so pretty and it takes me to a serene place in my mind , well so much for me today how are you ?

[river]

hello john its me river, you put it on the nose its t hese people that do exactly that. people dont seem to realize i am in this for me and i dont need any friendships that hinder my recovery,a nd part of all this is because i wasnt partaking in their negative behaviors seperating myself from them that it was told to me they dont trust me because i do what i am suppose to do , yet the councelors feel they think they know me and tell me i want to be part of. Being misunderstood is my weakness that leads me frustration and then anger, well i have become alot better in improving that , but not so good as that is what has actually gotten me in th is mess in the first place, Want to know something about me? I am very content at just going to meetings and having the few women in whom i do have, it keeps me private, and protects myself from those who like to talk, yet i am sociable on the surface and get along with the people in the rooms , and am beginning to recieve there love for me realizing i am well liked and cared for,,, i dont know why its so different in the group i go to ,,, thank you for your thoughts , and i hope you have a nice day today, river

[river]

thank you for your prayeres zoomie, i sure could use them, i really believe its prayers that brought me back as my family is very religious and very big and my parents always lights candles and has prayer for me they have every one praying for me , its my contact wiht God that keeps me feeling better and gives me strength to go through what i go through I would be lost without that positive spirit, i also read the bible and learn alot of lessons and get my values and morals from the word. thank you and God bless you, God bless all . River

[janbear]

its my contact wiht God that keeps me feeling better and gives me strength to go through what i go through I would be lost without that positive spirit, i also read the bible and learn alot of lessons and get my values and morals from the word.:29: thats me too River:29: I also love lighting candles, its soothes me.
You can thank bluidkiti for putting up your avatar for you. It is great that you like it, i think our avatars saying something about ourselves. :1: :11: