flickchic
08-05-2006, 04:31 PM
I'd like to share how I've watched the impact of my addictions upon my own children.
I have five children and have seen a range of dysfunctional behaviours coming out in them. They range in age from 19 to 6. My eldest daughter Katherine is 19, Jacob nealry 17, Lachlan is 9, Charlie girl 8 and Blake my youngest is 6, 7 in Dec. Blake also has Down Syndrome so that has had impacts in it's own way also.
I didn't drink or use at any time during my pregnancies, for which I am grateful. I was using amphets when my youngest was a baby however and that partially resulted in him being removed from my care at the age of four months. I began drinking heavily at the age of 15, using pot at the age of 16 and heavier drugs at the age of 33, am now 40. Have been clean of hard drugs for over 6 1/2 years, began recovery for alcoholism in January and ceased used pot in Feb (I think) this year. Since I began to address my issues of c/hood abuse and addicitons in Dec 2000 I have begun to have better r/ships with the children and even more so since Jan. this year, I have really seen some positive change happening in them, also become far more aware of the impacts of my behaviours upon them from the past.
Katherine(19) is a caretaker, she also used amphets for awhile and went through a very difficult couple of years 14-16, not attending school, (which was hard as she is very intelligent and did well at school, however left after year 10),disappearing from the home at night, having very unhealthy r/ships with boys and had some attempts at suicide. She has been living with her dad (who is also an alcoholic - active again)since year 6 and they had major probs with his abusing her verbally, mentally, emotionally and occ physically. He and I had a very unstable r/ship for a long time after separating and I am now aware of how this also impacted upon the children....Jacob (16) also lives with her and dad. Watching Katherine was like watching myself from outside, we are very different in personalities however the behaviours of co-dependance really stood out for me. I had a lot of trouble being close with her for quite a while because of that I feel....it was very hard to watch her making similar mistakes. I am very grateful to share that I have also watched her changing for the positive over the last couple of years, and especially of late. I share with her a lot of the tools I have been learning to make change and I hear her passing a lot of that info on, to her friends and associates. She is far more stable these days, works, has good self esteem and focus for life...One thing I do see in her still though is an attitude of judgment of others and her tendancy to be affected by bad behaviours of others...... I also see she is gleaning a greater awareness of unhealthy behaviours in others and appears to be dealing with that well by being compassionate and caring without so much caretaking.
Jacob (16) will be 17 in Oct., is in his final year of high school, was aiming for a high TEE score to enable him to go to uni....Jacob is a perfectionist, a high achiever and of late shows little tolerance for others. He has always been a fairly quiet lad, didn't talk of emotions much at all until earlier this year, when he expressed concerns of "becoming like my father"..Jacob does drink, hasn't used drugs (to my knowledge). I have watched Jacob "loosen up" with the perfectionism behaviours over the past couple of years...his high competitiveness has lessened also, he is accepting that it's ok to make mistakes, he had a terrible temper when sees himself failing, i.e throwing the cricket bat when getting out. Jacob is very intelligent, won three scholarships for entry to high school at two different schools, was doing yr ll level at year 8, has won numerous awards for high achiements and recently topped in Geography for year 12. He is great at sport and generally a wonderful peer. Trying to be aware of his age and troubled history is been hard to watch him loose some interest academically this year and of recent has become extremely bad tempered and intolerant of others again. I am aware that he has "stuff going on" with r/ship which has been on and off for months and apparently his temper is really quite foul towards his father again. Jacob finally began to open up to me earlier this year, expressed concerns of becoming like his dad, how he is so disappointed in him also. I am aware that he lacks in self confindence, apparently has begun to excessively train in the fitness area and is not eating well, constantly watching his weight and is very angry. katherine shared this with me last night and expressed concerns from observations by herself and step-mum over the past couple of weeks in particular. I am going to organise to spend some one on one time with him on Monday and see if I can't get him to open up again. I beleive he is a bit of a binge drinker (as was I) and has made a mistake recently that I feel he is ashamed of....he shared with me but wouldn't give me any details. Apparently when step mum approached him recently to see if he wanted to talk his reponse was "there's no point, nobody can help anyway", so yes bit of a defeatist attitude there.
Lachlan (9) is a fair old concern to me, he has always appeared "different", very intelligent, a high achiever, a perfectionist also and very much a stressor and caretaker" He I have just learnt is being bullied at school and feels he hasn't any real friends except one he left behind at his old school. He is easily bored often complains re his sister's "messiness" and is easily upset. He grasps things very quickly and am pleased to share that I can see him trying to work on using the tools I am working on with him....living in today being our biggy. He is very insecure in that he has a 'shy' way of being....Lachlan is very very good at expressing himself to me, sharing his emotions and speaks of them openly. I have had discussions with the school re his stresses and we are working on teaching him to become 'resiliant' to not be so approval seeking and help him 'come out of himself'...he spends a lot of time on his own, and enjoys high levels of mental stimulation. He is a very caring and loving lad, just too caring. Lachlan and Charlie both live with Char's dad and I know there is a lot of dysfunction in that home. (my ex was very abusive to me and has little tolerance of women.....he was abandoned as a child and I believe that still impacts today...lives in a world of blame and has very angry and intolerant attitude which he expresses quite often).
Charlie (8) I have not been able to quite put a finger on as to which behaviour is the stronget in her, she was a fairly unemotional child for some time, always left to fend for herself, I was unavailable emotionally and dad always focused on Lachlan...she did comment last night whilst Lachy and I were playing a game that "am I not important too" as we were involved in a discussion that was kinda beyond her full comprehension...I quickly apologised and assured her that she was important too and that we would try to speak on a level that she could understand. Charlie has always been in Lachlan's shadow, comparing herself to him academically, admittedly I did begin to wonder for a while re where her intelligence was at as it took a lot longer for her to shine in that regard...now she is achieving well and is very much a 'helper' in the class room as she gets her work done, well, and is able to assist with other children....she is a bit of a pessimist also, picky and of late a fault finder. she has a shyness also, will not approach people for help, i.e even in the shops and stuff I encourage the children to purchase things themselves with their pocket money and she often pushes Lachlan to do the talking at the counter I have noticed. She can also be sulky when she doesn't get her own way and I have seen her use that to manipulate others when she sees that she can, to get her own way. .....gee whizz having written that I can see the mirror!!!.....caretaker and self focused on self needs.
Blake (6) is a difficult one to see at the moment, he has Down syndrome and it is a little awkward to assertain if his behaviours are due to that mostly or combined with dysfunctional upbringing. He has a terrible temper, tolerance zero when unhappy, easily upset when others are and meticulous in his own space....i.e touch his things at the dinner table, and he can easily go off. Doesn't tolerate others in "his personal space" unless he wants to be involved with play. All of those traits are also of Down's so...makes it a little awkward to really see at this point in time. He is easily frustrated when things don't go right, however that is also a trait....particuarly when he has difficulty being understood (his speech is still way behind the average). Blake is highly intelligent, comprehension suprises most due to his diability, however he has always been very observant and takes it all in. I do wonder if their so called common traits may not be socially conditioned ones due to the past attiudes to Down syndrome and neglect, abandonement, institutionalisation etc etc. I am aware that the frustrations are a lot to do with lack of communication and not able to be heard and express themselves clearly....I had to really focus a lot on boundries with his siblings and partners children as they were not respecting his space and his right to say "No"......I have even watched adults stirring his little pot up in what they thought was fun to have to pull them up to cease "as he has indicated that he doesn't want anymore"......hmmmmm interestingly M in particular has been very good at 'pushing Blakes' attempts at boundries".....he quietly continued to poke him along even when it was clear he wasn't impressed. anyway I have and do addressed that when I see it and I do enforce it with the others....if he says no or don't then stop, he's no different to anyone else and if you said stop then you'd expect to be heard. so not sure how where and if the dysfuncion will appear.....I am very aware that Blake is the first to respond to non-harmony and is instantly upset when there is high distress....he was a silent witness as a baby to much domestic violence. Again however I am also aware that Down's have been labeled with a trait of extreme emotional sensitivity; again perhaps that has been a social label and due to dysfunctional upbringing....rejections etc.
I have five children and have seen a range of dysfunctional behaviours coming out in them. They range in age from 19 to 6. My eldest daughter Katherine is 19, Jacob nealry 17, Lachlan is 9, Charlie girl 8 and Blake my youngest is 6, 7 in Dec. Blake also has Down Syndrome so that has had impacts in it's own way also.
I didn't drink or use at any time during my pregnancies, for which I am grateful. I was using amphets when my youngest was a baby however and that partially resulted in him being removed from my care at the age of four months. I began drinking heavily at the age of 15, using pot at the age of 16 and heavier drugs at the age of 33, am now 40. Have been clean of hard drugs for over 6 1/2 years, began recovery for alcoholism in January and ceased used pot in Feb (I think) this year. Since I began to address my issues of c/hood abuse and addicitons in Dec 2000 I have begun to have better r/ships with the children and even more so since Jan. this year, I have really seen some positive change happening in them, also become far more aware of the impacts of my behaviours upon them from the past.
Katherine(19) is a caretaker, she also used amphets for awhile and went through a very difficult couple of years 14-16, not attending school, (which was hard as she is very intelligent and did well at school, however left after year 10),disappearing from the home at night, having very unhealthy r/ships with boys and had some attempts at suicide. She has been living with her dad (who is also an alcoholic - active again)since year 6 and they had major probs with his abusing her verbally, mentally, emotionally and occ physically. He and I had a very unstable r/ship for a long time after separating and I am now aware of how this also impacted upon the children....Jacob (16) also lives with her and dad. Watching Katherine was like watching myself from outside, we are very different in personalities however the behaviours of co-dependance really stood out for me. I had a lot of trouble being close with her for quite a while because of that I feel....it was very hard to watch her making similar mistakes. I am very grateful to share that I have also watched her changing for the positive over the last couple of years, and especially of late. I share with her a lot of the tools I have been learning to make change and I hear her passing a lot of that info on, to her friends and associates. She is far more stable these days, works, has good self esteem and focus for life...One thing I do see in her still though is an attitude of judgment of others and her tendancy to be affected by bad behaviours of others...... I also see she is gleaning a greater awareness of unhealthy behaviours in others and appears to be dealing with that well by being compassionate and caring without so much caretaking.
Jacob (16) will be 17 in Oct., is in his final year of high school, was aiming for a high TEE score to enable him to go to uni....Jacob is a perfectionist, a high achiever and of late shows little tolerance for others. He has always been a fairly quiet lad, didn't talk of emotions much at all until earlier this year, when he expressed concerns of "becoming like my father"..Jacob does drink, hasn't used drugs (to my knowledge). I have watched Jacob "loosen up" with the perfectionism behaviours over the past couple of years...his high competitiveness has lessened also, he is accepting that it's ok to make mistakes, he had a terrible temper when sees himself failing, i.e throwing the cricket bat when getting out. Jacob is very intelligent, won three scholarships for entry to high school at two different schools, was doing yr ll level at year 8, has won numerous awards for high achiements and recently topped in Geography for year 12. He is great at sport and generally a wonderful peer. Trying to be aware of his age and troubled history is been hard to watch him loose some interest academically this year and of recent has become extremely bad tempered and intolerant of others again. I am aware that he has "stuff going on" with r/ship which has been on and off for months and apparently his temper is really quite foul towards his father again. Jacob finally began to open up to me earlier this year, expressed concerns of becoming like his dad, how he is so disappointed in him also. I am aware that he lacks in self confindence, apparently has begun to excessively train in the fitness area and is not eating well, constantly watching his weight and is very angry. katherine shared this with me last night and expressed concerns from observations by herself and step-mum over the past couple of weeks in particular. I am going to organise to spend some one on one time with him on Monday and see if I can't get him to open up again. I beleive he is a bit of a binge drinker (as was I) and has made a mistake recently that I feel he is ashamed of....he shared with me but wouldn't give me any details. Apparently when step mum approached him recently to see if he wanted to talk his reponse was "there's no point, nobody can help anyway", so yes bit of a defeatist attitude there.
Lachlan (9) is a fair old concern to me, he has always appeared "different", very intelligent, a high achiever, a perfectionist also and very much a stressor and caretaker" He I have just learnt is being bullied at school and feels he hasn't any real friends except one he left behind at his old school. He is easily bored often complains re his sister's "messiness" and is easily upset. He grasps things very quickly and am pleased to share that I can see him trying to work on using the tools I am working on with him....living in today being our biggy. He is very insecure in that he has a 'shy' way of being....Lachlan is very very good at expressing himself to me, sharing his emotions and speaks of them openly. I have had discussions with the school re his stresses and we are working on teaching him to become 'resiliant' to not be so approval seeking and help him 'come out of himself'...he spends a lot of time on his own, and enjoys high levels of mental stimulation. He is a very caring and loving lad, just too caring. Lachlan and Charlie both live with Char's dad and I know there is a lot of dysfunction in that home. (my ex was very abusive to me and has little tolerance of women.....he was abandoned as a child and I believe that still impacts today...lives in a world of blame and has very angry and intolerant attitude which he expresses quite often).
Charlie (8) I have not been able to quite put a finger on as to which behaviour is the stronget in her, she was a fairly unemotional child for some time, always left to fend for herself, I was unavailable emotionally and dad always focused on Lachlan...she did comment last night whilst Lachy and I were playing a game that "am I not important too" as we were involved in a discussion that was kinda beyond her full comprehension...I quickly apologised and assured her that she was important too and that we would try to speak on a level that she could understand. Charlie has always been in Lachlan's shadow, comparing herself to him academically, admittedly I did begin to wonder for a while re where her intelligence was at as it took a lot longer for her to shine in that regard...now she is achieving well and is very much a 'helper' in the class room as she gets her work done, well, and is able to assist with other children....she is a bit of a pessimist also, picky and of late a fault finder. she has a shyness also, will not approach people for help, i.e even in the shops and stuff I encourage the children to purchase things themselves with their pocket money and she often pushes Lachlan to do the talking at the counter I have noticed. She can also be sulky when she doesn't get her own way and I have seen her use that to manipulate others when she sees that she can, to get her own way. .....gee whizz having written that I can see the mirror!!!.....caretaker and self focused on self needs.
Blake (6) is a difficult one to see at the moment, he has Down syndrome and it is a little awkward to assertain if his behaviours are due to that mostly or combined with dysfunctional upbringing. He has a terrible temper, tolerance zero when unhappy, easily upset when others are and meticulous in his own space....i.e touch his things at the dinner table, and he can easily go off. Doesn't tolerate others in "his personal space" unless he wants to be involved with play. All of those traits are also of Down's so...makes it a little awkward to really see at this point in time. He is easily frustrated when things don't go right, however that is also a trait....particuarly when he has difficulty being understood (his speech is still way behind the average). Blake is highly intelligent, comprehension suprises most due to his diability, however he has always been very observant and takes it all in. I do wonder if their so called common traits may not be socially conditioned ones due to the past attiudes to Down syndrome and neglect, abandonement, institutionalisation etc etc. I am aware that the frustrations are a lot to do with lack of communication and not able to be heard and express themselves clearly....I had to really focus a lot on boundries with his siblings and partners children as they were not respecting his space and his right to say "No"......I have even watched adults stirring his little pot up in what they thought was fun to have to pull them up to cease "as he has indicated that he doesn't want anymore"......hmmmmm interestingly M in particular has been very good at 'pushing Blakes' attempts at boundries".....he quietly continued to poke him along even when it was clear he wasn't impressed. anyway I have and do addressed that when I see it and I do enforce it with the others....if he says no or don't then stop, he's no different to anyone else and if you said stop then you'd expect to be heard. so not sure how where and if the dysfuncion will appear.....I am very aware that Blake is the first to respond to non-harmony and is instantly upset when there is high distress....he was a silent witness as a baby to much domestic violence. Again however I am also aware that Down's have been labeled with a trait of extreme emotional sensitivity; again perhaps that has been a social label and due to dysfunctional upbringing....rejections etc.