teenagers-can't live with them can't choke them

[fibiray]

My teenage son who is 16yrs is currently driving me nuts. Since moving into our new property in march I have stipulated that he cannot have food or glasses of drinks in his bedroom because he has new carpet in the room. My son at best can be a slob and for the most part let a lot of things slide. But this has been one issue that I have tried to establish since he was small. Now that he has a larger room with new carpet I let him have a bottle of water with the pop up top on it only in the room. He has a tendency to spill things or let things drop where they are. This simple rule has caused so much headache with him as he has consistantly insisted in taking glasses of drinks into his room. The last time I took his television off him which was the first time that I backed up my stand on the issue (much to his dislike). Nevertheless again he is taking drinks in his room. I hate getting angry over the issue but it is just that I get so frustrated with him. Basically he is a good kid who doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs and is focused on completing his education. They say alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful, well NEWSFLASH so are teenagers. How do I get this kid to listen to me. I have tried certain strategies to get his attention and to make him listen to what I am saying and they have in the past worked but when it comes to this issue it all seems to be futile. Any feedback would be appreciated.:eek:

[flickchic]

Oh Fi:42:

I just walked in the door, booted up laptop, saw the thread heading and have been "cackling away" since!!!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

What a beauty......I love it:wink: :neutral: sorry.....I will get a caffine and return to hoepfully pull something out of the parent thought box!!!:mrgreen:

[admin]

fibiray, I finally just gave up. I figure once the kids leave we will redo the carpet throughout the house as well as paint the walls. We haven't done any of that since we bought this house new in 2000. I have so many teens over here at times. No matter how much you remind them they don't always do as you ask. I guess that is their independence showing through or maybe they are just being rebellious or maybe they just don't see things the same as us. What's important to us may not be as important to them. I'll probably also get new living room furniture once our kids are grown. Right now I am making do with what we have and just keep reminding them hoping for the best but am not going to let it consume me. Our living room carpet is in need of a good cleaning sometime soon. I figure we will do it once the parties are over. We have another party planned for August 19 and then one for September 2 and then none planned until probably New Year's Eve.

Keep hanging in there. :42:

[flickchic]

:neutral: :sad: I apologise for my humour Fi.....I do understand your issue with your son. My eldest boy, Jacob is 16, 17 in October and I had to laugh as he is being a right royal pain in the rear at the moment....which is a bit of a shock as he's generally a pretty considerate well behaved and focused lad. I was talking to his step mum about him earlier today, apparently his room is an absolute pigsty and he's been very short-tempered of late.:44: ...my eldest daughter phoned last night to let me know they are concerned about him again and they had all figured I was the best one to talk to as he usually shows me a great deal of respect and has opened up to me in the past. I phoned him last night to try and catch up today, but was politely but bluntly given the 'brush off'...so yeah, your title was kinda fitting over this side of the country at the moment also!!!!:1: .......I rang his step mum after I posted the above response to share your post with her and she reckoned that you ought ot remove his new carpet and replace it with crappy stuff.....I suggested you totally remove it all together and perhaps bit by bit everything else in the room also...bit extreme....but!!!!.....your son sounds like he has his heels dug in....is tv really "his thing"?....and if so did he still have access outside of his room?...perhaps you'll need to begin removing more things that are of importance to him until he gets the message.....that what he is doing is NOT OK.....yeah, you're right....you can't strangle 'em.....so yeah what does one do????.....the only way I know of appropriately discipling teenagers is to remove their priviledges.......but sometimes that also makes them rebel harder.....so not too sure there. Not much use here, will have a look around and ask some questions.....have a couple of friends with grown sons...perhaps they can advise.:42:

[admin]

I agree felicity with taking away the things that are most important to them. That seems to work best with my kids. Most of the time just threatening to take something away gets them to straighten up and do right or at least do as I ask.

[flickchic]

yes, Tammy I have found the same, with the younger ones anyhows...something that just occurred to me however....if a child is particularly stubborn.....well more so I guess a teenager, as they "do know better than us of course", just as we did with our parents I guess.....anyway I know with Katherine our eldest when her dad grounded her more and more for her behaviour and attitude she went behind his and then our backs to go out and that is when the night time escapees began and eventually she'd dissappear for days. Very obstinate at the time.....so what I was wondering if perhaps sometimes positive rewarding in the first instance for doing as asked may be a better option......it does seem to work well with Blake that way, and he is a very stubborn boy at times....he has time out in his room for 'off behaviour'.....however if it's something like not eating any dinner then asking for icecream, I tell him he can only have it if he eats some dinner first....he refuses....so I tell him I'll put his dinner on the bench, but ...he will not get any icecream until he eats his dinner....so I am not saying he can't have, or taking the good thing away....just saying I want him to do it a better way...if that makes sense....so in a sense I am using a 'reward' for getting him to do what I feel is best. not sure what you'd like to use for a male teenager, however I am sure there are plenty of choices..."if you cease taking drinks into your room on the new carpet, then we can/ you can........"...not sure...just a thought. BTW as a 15 year old I also became very obstinant and the more my parents tried to enforce rules and regs the more I balked the system too...to the point that I left home permanently before I turned 16, I ran away 500kms away!....not saying that is what will happen, just remembered how "pig headed" I was when I got to that age.:frown:

[admin]

Taking things away, the reward system, just letting it go. I guess it depends on the situation what you would do. Parenting can be a tricky business at times.

Like this weekend for instance, our middle daughter wanted to go over to her boyfriend's house - he had invited her to come over because he is grounded from coming over here at the moment because when he came over here last time he was 10 minutes late getting home. His parents wanted him home by midnight and he got home at 12:10 so they grounded him. So hubby and I decided that since he was grounded because he was not home on time to not let out daughter go to his house this past weekend. Hubby said that if we let her go then her boyfriend's grounding wouldn't mean as much to him because he would still get to see his girlfriend. His parents have such a difficult time getting him to obey the simplest of their rules and requests. So our decision was to not let her go so the grounding will hopefully be more effective causing him to be more respectful next time of his parents wishes. Whew! LOL

[flickchic]

:1: well done in supporting his parents decision and actions!! :wink:

[fibiray]

There have been some good points made here and I thank you all for the feedback. I guess the reality is that whether my son takes glasses into his room or not I will still probably have to have the carpets cleaned anyway. It is just that the carpet was only laid by the owner just before we moved in. Another point that I was thinking about is that despite how frustrating it is to get my son to stick to this simple rule, it could be far worse. As I have said he is not a kid that drinks smokes or takes drugs or into the party scene. He is very obstinate and stubborn but I have seen this as an asset in him also because a local kid who lives around the corner wanted to take him to a party where there was a lot of drinking and pot smoking and my son turned around and said "No!" telling this boy that he thought he was a lot more smarter than him for not doing this. I was really rpoud of how he handled this situation and he is his own person. I at times look at my son in awe as I remember what I was like when I was his age and I was a full blown practising alcoholic back then running the street with a bad crowd. So when I think about this the drinks in the bedroom issue seems really small. It still doesn't mean that it is not frustrating though. Maybe I need to humble myself enough to simply accept him the way he is and I think of the just for today card which I have over my computer desk. "Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires." thats me thanks again

[admin]

me, too fibirary. So far none of our girls drink or smoke or do drugs. I am grateful for that. By the time I was my oldest daughter's age - 17, I was smoking cigs and drinking - I smoked pot once in a while but I was into heavy drinking when I drank which was usually every weekend. When I hit 18 and could buy my own beer, I drank everyday usually until I either blacked out or passed out. Then my mom got on me about my drinking and I quit for about 6 months but started back again by the time I was 19 and continued on that way for a very long time.

[clean42day]

Boy it's a really good thing that I don't have kids....I learned a technique in dog training called adversive conditioning....where you set the dog up for bad behavior in the moment...so you can correct it in the moment. takes about 3 seperate sessions to break a dog of bad behavior. then it is done. it is better than trying to catch them in action randomely and dragging a training session that would normally take about 30 minutes out into years.

I just had a vision in my head: of saying screw the cost of the carpeting...the lesson is more important. I would take everything out of his room including the bed, furniture and and leave only the carpeting - make him sleep on his skanky carpeting. Then I would go in there every other day and spill some of my own stuff on it....for him to sleep with too. Then if he wanted his stuff back....I would make him clean up the spots himself and then steam clean the whole **************** room. For every spill he made I would come in to make two more. for every time he steam cleans the room...he gets one item back into his room.

yikes....passive agressive visions of grandure and revenge.:lol:

oh well....like I said: good thing I don't have kids:rolleyes:

works great with dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fibiray]

Oh gail I did have a giggle at your suggestion and certainly had the odd thoughts of revenge, but then I realise that I am only stooping to his level. I remember one day after consistantly complaining about the state of his room for months, had entered his room to collect the washing. Needless to say I was confronted with an absolute pigsty. In a fit of rage while he was at school I had completely trashed his room ripping the sheets off his bed, emptying his bookshelf, tossing discs, videos etc across the room. When i was finished it looked like the room had been hit with a tornedo. My thinking at the time was that if he wanted to live in a mess then so be it. After several hours later when I had settled down, god began to niggle in my ear. "Who is the kid here?" he asked. "If you want him to respect his property and clean up his room this is not an example to set by." My conscience got the better of me and I went in a cleaned the room up before he got home from school and he was none the wiser for what I did.

Flickchic I was not offended by you having a laugh at the title, that is what it was there for. When you are that frustrated or angry sometimes it is best to simply laugh about it and that is what I was doing so I am glad that you and others had a giggle too.

[Kai Stevens]

Boy do I FEEL YA!! By the way, I am looking for a T-shirt with that 'eat their young' saying on it so if anyone sees one, I'd love to know where to get it.
Alcoholism may be cunning, baffling and powerful, but the insanity brought on by teenager-ism is out of a dimension of its own.
Mine are 17, 15, and 12. Seventeen and fifteen are boys, but its the girl that really scares me and we haven't even gotten started yet.
One of the coolest ideas I ever heard was: When your child will not follow the rules in their room, take their door off for a period of time, just like a grounding. Then give it back until they do it again. That right there hits just about every teenager right at home!!
My oldest has really been my biggest challenge so far. The other two have lived with their dad, but for my oldest, it was just him and I most of his life. Me being drunk until he was 15, left him to be the parent, trying to take care of mom all his life. When I started sobering up and started trying to be the parent, the S*** hit the fan!
One minute he would sing my praises and tell me how proud he was of the changes I was trying so hard to make. The next minute he would blow up and remind me how wrong I have been and that I have never been a mom. The first thing I learned was to just not argue with him at all. I would let him draw me into a 'spitting match' and the hate and anger would just fly!! Once I made my amends to him, I learned to stop letting him push my buttons. When he starts saying "You did (this)" and "You did (that)" I don't shrink away anymore. I face him directly and just say, "You are right, that was wrong of me and I have admitted that to you and all I can do is work very hard at not behaving that way anymore. You will need to learn to get over it."
Sadly enough, the other two are living in a sicker environment than the one I put them in. The healing is slow but I am enjoying the opportunity to build a healthier relationship with them than I had with my family.
Aside from that, I just keep 'beating the dead horse". understanding that most of the things that I am trying to teach them, they will not fully grasp or understand until they get out in the real world on their own and start to see things differently.
Don't eat them. If you do, you will never get the pleasure of grandchildren and watching them experience the other side of teenager-ism. My first grandbaby is due Sept. 24. Like a 'rent-a-baby', let the fun begin!!
Love ya later. Kai

[admin]

One of the coolest ideas I ever heard was: When your child will not follow the rules in their room, take their door off for a period of time, just like a grounding.

I know my middle daughter's boyfriend's parents have done this one. I know he didn't like it when they took his door down. I don't know why they did this or the result but they did it.