Help Before I Hit Bottom

[pi_seas]

Hi all and thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings. I am Pi and I am an alcoholic. I come from a long line of alcoholics, all of whom are in AA. You would think that I would just stay away from the stuff given my family history but no I always have to learn the hard way. I don't like AA meetings so this is a good place for me. I have been drinking somewhat heavily since October of 2004. I have had periods of sobriety but the most I have gone is about a month.

Lately however, I feel that I have been getting worse. I can stop most of the time after about 4 or 5 drinks (when I get a good buzz going on). Of course I drink highballs and what is 4 or 5 drinks to me is probably about 10 to 12 for everyone else. Lately, I have noticed that everything is a fog when I drink. It starts with the first drink and ends whenever I sober up. But that's not all, I don't get shaky or anything but I just feel like I need to have it at the end of the day. I used to not be this bad but over the past few weeks, I have finished on average three bottles a week and I usually wash it down with a 12 pack of beer. Saturday, I drank a bottle and a half in about 2 hours time. Sunday, I drank a half a bottle and washed it down with a 12 pack of beer. Of course during this whole process, I get very impulsive and will go an spend money that I don't have. When I finally pass out, I usually wake up around 3:00 in the morning and regret all that I did. I have to stop before I hit bottom. But I feel like I hate myself when I am sober and I hate myself when I am drunk. I am confused and heartbroken. I have always looked at this disease as some sort of a character flaw, like they just have no self control. I know that is not the case now. Alcohol works differently on my brain than others. I know everyone has been there before. I know my story is not different. I just need to stop before I really start going down that slope to rock bottom. I feel I have already started down that road and I want to climb out of the abyss before it is too late. Thank you for your time. I will be a frequent visitor.

[zoomie]

Hi PI welcome to cyberrecovery. I do not have any magic on how to stop drinking before you hit bottom except for AA. I tried to stop on my own too and drank far less than you,but I just could not stop and felt my self slipping too to the road of rock bottom. There are other recovery programs such as SMART,but I found that AA works best for me and it's free. Good news is that you don't have to drink today just for 24 hours one day at a time. Bad news is it only works if you want it. I wish I could give you more,but I try to keep it simple. You can always call a rehab or a detox if you feel you can't do it with the help of AA,but they are just going to tell you to go to AA anyway. Good luck and keep coming back, we will love and support you no matter what!!!

[peajaye]

:49: :53: :67:

Glad to meet you. My name is PegJean and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. I found my sobriety in AA, but people do sober up without it if they have a sufficient spiritual experience. My dad, an alcoholic, remained sober for many years before he died and as far as I know never went to an AA meeting. I've heard of other programs as well although none come to mind right now other than "Christians Victorious". None of that matters -- We welcome you no matter what. Look forward to getting to know you.

[janbear]

:73: Hello PI, glad you found us. I am Jan, recovering alcoholic/addict through the help of this board and AA and NA. The good thing is you can make your bottom be wherever you are at at this moment and choose to start a new way of life. Please make yourself at home here and look around the board and if you have any questions feel free to ask, we are all here to help each other.

I remember at the end not liking myself when i was drinking, and the periods of not drinking i still didnt like myself. So i understand that. Recovery has helped me to start liking myself without the alcohol and drugs by doing 12 simple suggested steps. They are listed in more than one forum. Check out the AA forum, but dont stop there just look all over the place and share where you would like. Keep coming back.

[Carol87]

Pi --- Welcome !! I can't add much to what has already been said here ... what I can do is share with you that the only reason I am sober today is because of involvement in/and working the steps of 12 Step Recovery programs, specifically, AA. I can also share with you that someone very early in my recovery suggested I tried controlled drinking .. I laughed out loud then and I still do ... there is NO way that I can control my drinking once I start. We do this ONE DAY AT A TIME ... forever is not in our vocabulary. And each person's bottom is what is for that person, not what was a bottom for someone else.

What is it about AA meetings that you don't like?

Let us know how you are doing ...

[clean42day]

Hi Pi...I would also like to welcome you to the site. I remember in my last year of using cocaine and drinking... I would drink and smoke myself to sleep because I had so much fear of waking up sober, that I couldn't put the bottle or the pipe down. I had long ago lost the ability to save myself a wake up drink or drug to face the day....and the cycle just repeated itself over and over again day in and day out. Then I came to a point where the drink and drugs no longer worked to ease my fear of myself....they enhanced it. That was really a painful place to be.

This disease is chronic,(frequent reoccurance), progressive (it just gets worse) and fatal if we don't stop.

I want to congratulate you on heading the warning signs too. I ignored mine to the point where I could not even when I wanted to stop....I had to be stopped by the law and thrown in jail. Rehab treatment was my only restort....then AA became my suport system.

Admission that we have a problem is the biggest obsticle....now you can stay in that admission for a very long time and not do anything about it. or you can take action. The only action that helped me....was abstinance from all mind altering chemicals.

This is where recovery begins .... with the desire....but you must back that desire up with actions or you wont get a different result.

keep coming here for support and encouragement. and if you can - go to an AA meeting.

There is nothing weak minded about alcoholics or recovering alcoholics. We are some of the most courageous people I know. It takes alot of courage to know you are killing yourself on a daily basis and continue to do it. it also takes alot of courage to let go of a crutch that has served you for many years in favor of the unknown and something better.

having power over alcohol is like trying to have power over cancer. we all need help to face the turning point and encouragement to make different choices.

light and love

Gail

and like coalminer said

Keep coming back.

[Peggyannvt]

Gee, Pi. How lucky you are to have such helpful, loving, people to guide you, when you are ready. Today is always a good day to follow the winners.

I'm glad you are here. I love the 12 steps and am glad they are there, to help me heal.

:58:

[Kai Stevens]

So glad you are here. Don't be fooled by a preconceived idea about hitting bottom. What you are describing sounds very much like a bottom to me. There are endless bottoms. When we don't die, and we don't change, we just keep going down. You can choose to make any bottom your last.
Mine was a 'high' bottom in the opinions of some, but it was as far down as I wanted to go, and I knew that if something didn't change, there were many more bottoms awaiting me.
When I first got to AA, I even went through a period of feeling guilty, as though I had not earned my 'right of passage'. Not that I thought I was any better than any one I met, but when I heard other peoples stories, I felt like I just hadn't suffered enough to have anything to complain about. I WAS WRONG. When I decided I wanted to change rather that continue on, I saw that I was right where I belonged.
If this site is where you make your start, then you are heading in the right direction. I guarantee you, because I know this program, that you will find many, Many, MANY people here who will love you, help you, and guide you without predjice, or judgement, or demands and expectations.
Keep comin back. The only place to start is where you are at. Love ya, Kai

[Doraine]

:52: Pi
I got sober on my own by praying to God to make me well or let me die. When I woke I knew I could never drink again. I went to an outpatient treatment center. They sent me to AA. In AA I learned how to stay sober one day at a time, that was 19 years ago.
I went to outpatient treatment because I didn't want to go to AA. Going to AA was a required part of the treatment. I wanted to stay sober more than anything so I did what was required. AA taught me how to live a sober life. I still go to meetings. :72:

[fibiray]

Hi there Pi glad that you have joined us. I can so relate to the concept of continuing to drink yet wanting to stop but not sure how to. It is a vicous cycle thats for sure. Desperate people do desperate things and for me I was desperate to stop drink, although I could not imagine my life without alcohol as it had been such a major part of my life for a long time. I am here to tell you that there is life after alcohol and a good life at that. The first thing for me ( and I can only speak for me) is that the idea that I could drink sociably or like others had to be smashed. The aa literature no doubt has a wealth of information about alcoholism and some reading of these materials may help you to understand the power behind alcohol. Like it has been said everyone's rock bottom may be different but there are similarities in the suffering of alcoholism. For me I had to want sobriety before anything else, as I knew that if other importance was placed on other things I would have found an excuse to go back out there drinking again. I could reason, rationalise and justify anything and even the complete ridiculous. One thing for certain though i don't miss the hangovers or the lifestyle that goes with drinking. I have the freedom to think for myself, be my own person and to live without fear. Again I am glad that you are here and I hope to read more posts from you. God bless

[admin]

:48: pi_seas, I am very glad to have you join us. Looks like you have gotten alot of great shares and suggestions. I have to agree that after reading your posts seems to me like you are at bottom but also remember you can get off the elevator anywhere. Have you been to any AA meetings? If you haven't then I would suggest attending one. All you have to have is the desire to stop to be a member of AA. I hope you will continue to keep coming back here and sharing with us also. You are not alone anymore. We are here for you. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[cassie]

Hi pi
I am cassie, recovering and very grateful to have found this forum and good friends through AA. I understand the feeling of having to have that drink at the end of the day - unfortunately, for me it got to be 24/7. My hands shook and I had to have a drink so I could write a check when I went back for more. The disease was marching me slowly into the grave and everyone around me knew it. Most of my family was already there because of alcohol related health problems.

You have gotten some good advice and if you are willing to follow the suggested steps, things will get easier. The past is over and can't be changed so the only thing that really matters is what you do next. Coming here every day sets the tone for my entire day of recovery. I would suggest immersing yourself in the program. This is a lifestyle change that brings a lot of great results. I am living proof. Not all you hear will apply to you but you will begin to recognize that there are others who have been where you are and are willing to help you get away from the insanity that pushes us to disastrous results.

Hope you are a frequent visitor - looking forward to hearing more from you.
friend in recovery

[pi_seas]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am taking it hour by hour. I know a lot about the program. When I was young and into my teens I would go to my family's "home meeting." This is the meeting that everyone in my family that was an AA attended without exceptions. It was an open meeting and served two purposes. To make sure that we knew where and why dad had to go, also to make sure that we knew there was a place to go if we ever needed help. I guess it is a mixed blessing to have so many in my family suffer from this disease. Mixed because I know I have at least three sponsors already there for me and know what the program is about. But not so great because I know I have the "family curse." Anyway, thank you all. I will be back.

[soberaddy]

Good Morning (((pi_seas))) and a huge welcome to you! Great to have you aboard.

You know what amazes me from your story, by the sounds of it, you have allready hit your bottom. Why? Well you say that you know you can't go on like that, you say that you are heartbroken, you hate yourself no matter what, you regret what you did the night before, and that you want to come out of the abyss before you go in too deep. But as AA "How it Works" says: "If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lenght to get".......my question is pi: How far are you willing to go and how much work are you willing to do to get out of the 'abyss'? Sobriety was my 'get out of jail card' For the whole time I drank, I drank to get drunk. I didn't want to know or deal with anything that happen around me, neither did I care (about myself or others). That was the perfect recipy to almost loose my life in the process, I lost custody of my beautiful boys, got divorced, my family did not want to have anything to do with me, and I was one lonely, unconfident, and pittyful looking woman. What did it for me pi was a couple of AA ladies (God Bless em) came to see me in the psych ward after I checked myself in there (hospital or death). For me this was the beautiful beginning of the end. But see this beggining did not come free. I had to go to countless AA meetings (I did not like em either, they made me look at myself), worked on myself and my character flaws, learnt how to feel and share those feelings, learnt that there was others in this world besides myself, but best of all I am experiencing a freedom I did not know was possible.

Today after over 3 years of sobriety I have the respect and love of my children and family, I have spirituality and a HP, I help others which in turns helps me tremendously and best of all I can say " I Love You" when I look at myself in the mirror.

Let see......Freedom or Jail? I'll take freedom anyday and twice on Sunday!

My prayers are with you Pi and please keep us updated often.

Your friend that understand;

Anne:42: :42:

[Prescott]

Hi PI, Welcome to our group. As you already know AA works and you have recieved great advice above. All I can add is if you want the madness to stop why not give it a chance...what do you have to loose. You can always go back to drinking any time you want...it will always be there. All I know AA saved my life and gave me a life I can be proud of today. I hit rock bottom. Locked down psych ward loosing my mind, living on the streets, in and out of jail. It all stopped when I embraced the 12 step progarm. Keep coming back.
Keep sharing!!