Quotes

[admin]

I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are
allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it
three or five? :mrgreen:

[admin]

If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.

When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins

I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln

[admin]

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Did you hear about the Mother Superior who was overweight?
She ate nun-fattening foods.

Seen on a T-shirt: 'I think therefore I have a headache.'

LONELY PERSON: A guy who can't admit that he finds himself poor company.

[admin]

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown :11:

[admin]

Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside
fast. If God wants to play through, let Him."

[Doraine]

:1: :42:

[admin]

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from
a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby." --
Unknown

[admin]

"Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics." (Author Unknown)

[admin]

Just because someone agrees with you doesn't make you right. It could just mean there's some one else out there as confused as you are.

--Nathan Reed

[admin]

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

[admin]

"One thing they never tell you about raising children is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is." (Erma Bombeck)

[admin]

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo but I don't think it's working."

--Fred Marcum

[admin]

Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.

Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place.

[admin]

Dogs lick you because they love you. Cats lick you because you had chicken
for dinner.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue. -Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. -Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where
they went. -Will Rogers

[admin]

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a $300
set of swings as it does out of finding a small green caterpillar. - Bill
Vaughan

[admin]

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

[admin]

"Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor
was given to us to console us for what we are."
-- Mark McGinnis

[admin]

"Liquids can now be carried on flights again. However the liquids must be bought in
airport gift shops. You know who thought of this? The airport gift shops."
-- Jay Leno

[admin]

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August?
Cool!" - Steven Wright

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? - Spike
Milligan, from "The Goon Show"

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. - Jeff
Marder

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I
don't have anybody to respect. - George Burns

[admin]

Dogs lick you because they love you. Cats lick you because you had chicken
for dinner

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his
tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went. - Will Rogers

[admin]

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

An escalator never breaks...it becomes stairs.

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

One half the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm richer at the dollar store.

Whatever advice you give, be brief.

It's not what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

[admin]

Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

[admin]

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"
- Kathleen Madigan

[admin]

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
They are in front of you in the express lane at the
supermarket." -- June Henderson

"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really
close to someone who will leave them alone." -- Elayne
Boosler

"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you
that you should have gone to bed earlier." -- James
Dent

[admin]

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could
either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my
own home." – Gene Perret

[admin]

A friend of mine jogs ten miles a day. If you ever catch me running ten
miles in a row, tell the bus driver my arm is caught in the door. - Jeff
Shaw

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. - Alice
Roosevelt Longworth

Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas
stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months. - Bill
Tammeus, in Toronto's National Newspaper, 1991

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on. - Karen
Elizabeth Gordon

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -
Wendell Johnson

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. -
Victor Borge

[admin]

"I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night."

--Marie Corelli

[admin]

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance; waiting for the
bathroom." -Bob Hope

[admin]

We kissed. She melted. Mop, please!
James Patrick Kelly

It's behind you! Hurry before it--
Rockne S. O'Bannon

Thought I was right. I wasn't.
Graeme Gibson

[admin]

A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

[admin]

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

[admin]

You carry her over the threshold
(Believe me, you've reason to frown)
The second she's inside the doorway
How she puts her little foot down!
-From Michael Franklin Ellis-

[admin]

My housework is like a juicy steak - rarely done.

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

[admin]

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[admin]

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels!

[admin]

"Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul – chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"

[admin]

Synonym is what you use in place of a word you can't spell.

Anonymous

[admin]

The two things most open to mistakes are the pocketbook and the
tongue.

By the time you have saved for a nest egg, inflation turns it into
chicken feed.

Maybe one reason budgets don't work is that we only work five days
a week but we spend money all seven.

[admin]

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of
kittens." - Abraham Lincoln :27:

[trish]

If you want God to walk with you throughout the day meet Him in the morning.

A :191: Freak

[admin]

"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I'm
no veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less
food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking
your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" - Jay Leno

[admin]

"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out."

--Julian Clary

[admin]

"'Buffet' is a French term that means, 'Get up and get it yourself.'" - Greg
Ray

[admin]

Dogs are better than children. Even my friends with children say that. As a dog friend of mine likes to say, children are for people who can’t have dogs. – Unknown



A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it. – Helen Thompson

[admin]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

You want to look younger? Rent smaller children. Phyllis Diller

[admin]

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

[admin]

Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.

[admin]

Wrinkles are something other people have. You have character
lines!

[admin]

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can
learn no other way." - Mark Twain

[admin]

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." (Robert Frost)

[admin]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. By the way, if your dog is too fat, YOU are not getting enough exercise.

[admin]

"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college."
--Ross Shafer

[admin]

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

[admin]

"An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support."

[admin]

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all. Author Unknown