I'm struggling...

[alistairm]

Hi folks,
Alistairm here, I'm and alcoholic/addict, and I've decided to write down some of what is troubling me at the moment as well as let you know more about me. As I said before I'm from Glasgow, Scotland, 41 years old and living on my own. I'm currently on a 'back to work' training programme and I'm a pretty much your average bloke who happens to be a Alcoholic/Addict, Cross addict to be technical.

I'm currently 3months clean and sober (although I am on a Methadone script so technically I'm maybe not so clean but it is helping me remain sober and away from street drugs, and I am on a programme of reduction).

In the past 2 months my sister went through a masectomy after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Now thankfully she is well on the way to recovery but just as we, as a family, were getting over this my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer of the Pancreas and last week we were told he has only months to live.. this has knocked the wind right out of my. I don't know what to do - I do know that picking up the 1st drink or drug will be of no use to me or my family.

Allied to that my work are on my back about my attendance. I'm on a years training programme and my attendance was poor until I got myself sober. I was warned about taking anymore time off but when I found out about my Dad I took a day off. Now the day before I took time off, I spoke to my supervisor and we discussed the fact that I may need time off in the future and that I could maybe get time off on medical grounds. But by taking this day off I've obviously irked my bosses somewhat and I've to attend a disciplinary meeting tomorrow. My position is on the line and I really don't want to lose this job.

Normally I wouldn't get too uptight about this but I'm struggling to hand this over to God, in fact I'm struggling to hand anything over to my higher power and as a result I'm having sleepless nights and the thought of doing something to 'forget about things' for a while keeps croping up in my mind.

I do apologise if this is reading slightly garbled but I'm just trying to type down what's going on for me at the moment.

I don't want to drink/use, and I know that the few hours of blackout/respite that getting loaded would give me would result in repercussions I don't want to contemplate.

I think what I want is to stop thinking/worrying/projecting about all the stuff going round and round and I don't know how to.

Any suggestions would be greatley appreciated.

I've got my local meeting tonight , thank God, and I know I can speak freely there, but its when I'm outwith the safety of my meetings that I struggle to cope.
Phew...

So that's about where I'm at at the moment. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be part of this group and the opportunity to get out what's going on and I'm very thankful to be clean and sober

thanks

Alistairm

[ihatethisdisease]

Alistairm,
Hang in there, you can do this. Take it from someone with experience. For the first time in my life I got clean/sober in January of this year, after coming into the program my life felt like it went to hell! Dad died, sister went to prison and died, job pretty much went straight to hell, and so many other things. People in the program would tease me and say if you make it to your first year we are going to give you two one year chips and two cakes!

Last week I reached my breaking point, my thoughts were, I just have to have a break, I need to breath, I can't take this anymore, I just want to relax. So I took that first drink and I can't tell you how much I regret that. I worked my butt off to get the 7 1/2 months I had, to throw it all away in one night, so yeah, I passed out, my mind was clear for the night, but as soon as my eyes opened the next morning they were full of tears. That one night, "break" that I needed so much only added to my problems, I was late to work, got sent home for the day, locked myself in the house all weekend because of the overwhelming feelings of guilt, failure, etc. If I could go back and change it, that one night "break" wasn't worth it.

For me recovery is hard. Yeah, it is a "simple" program, but it is hard work. But it is so worth it. When I examined what had gone wrong, I realized that my spiritual program was really lacking. People would tell me to pray, and I would, but I might as well talked to the wall, because I just recited words.

I just want to encourage you to reach out to your higher power, give it to him, and don't take it back. I know that is a lot harder said than done. When I first came in the program, my first sponsor told me to make a "God box" and she said when something is troubling me, to write it down on a piece of paper and take it to that box and tell God, "I am giving this to you." And put it in the box and not allow myself to stress over it as long as it was in that box, and if I felt I needed to worry over it I had to go to that box and take it out and run it through my head and when I got done, put it back in that box. It helped.

Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back. Call others in the program, read the big book, and pray. Let us know how you are. Hang in there, we care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tracie

[Prescott]

Hi Alistairm, My name is John alcoholic/addict and I can relate to everything you shared about. My mother is dieing of cancer and I lost my wife 1 1/2 yrs ago. If iI throught drinking or useing would help I would in a second. But I'm sure in no time at all I'd be worse than ever and of no use to anyone including myself. So today I come here and share with my recovery family and take it one day at a time. I'm powerless over disease including my own.
I know this today for sure. I wasn't a very nice person when I was using and spent alot of time in jail. Then finally the locked down psych ward. I've managed to put some clean time together and what I know now is that if I used at all I'd be right back in jail or worse in no time at all. It's hard to do the right thing day after day, but it would be even harder not to. Hang in there and continue to share. My heart goes out to you brother. Look forward to your sharing how it's going. Feel free to contact me if you want to. John

[admin]

Hi Alistairm, If you have a sponsor then get on the phone and tell them what's going on. If you don't have a sponsor then pick up the phone and call whoever you have for support so as not to pick up. You can get drunk if you choose but when you come to - life will still be here to face. BY all means continue to come here and share with us. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. :195:

Love,
Tammy

[janbear]

Alistairm, I lost my father to Cancer this past June, still very fresh, there was a point i thought to use, i realize all i really wanted was to run from life, but by the grace of God i didnt, i shared about it, i went to a meeting and the thought left. I am so grateful for i, like all of us have no garantee if we pick up we will make it back. One very basic, simple concept in the 12 step fellowship left my mind to keep things in Today. One day at a time. Oh, i learned that one day at a time i dont drink or drug, but that concept applies to everything. If i cant take care of something going on in my life, this day, today, i will not worry about it. I was letting the death of my father and everything going on around me overwhelm me, i was too busy thinking of what had happened days before, and what tomorrows were going to be like that i was not staying in today and let things take care of themselves when they occur. So now i am turning things over to God and simply staying in the present. One day at a Time :42:

[cassie]

thank God

Well said. :195: Please keep coming here to share between meetings because it reinforces that there are many of us going through similar situations and understand the pull of the disease.

I know it is hard right now to do this, but do you have a gratitude list? The first thing on mine after getting sober enough to think about it was "a second chance."

Finally :210: and if you don't have one, they are a tremendous source of support. We are here for you and you don't have to be alone.
love and respect
cassie

[Doraine]

Sorry for your family problems but you can handle it one day at a time. If you know your job is at risk don't take any time off until you absolutely have to. If you don't have a sponser get one asap. With your Higher Power's help you can stay sober. Staying sober and doing the right thing will give you the strength you need to cope with life on life's terms. Hang in there. Keep coming back.