clean42day
09-23-2006, 10:38 PM
Definitions of Codependency on the Web:
A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in an emotionally painful and stressful environment. These behaviors are passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not.
www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/dc/caz/suba/alco/glossary.jsp
Co-dependency is a psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
What does co-dependency look like:
Philip St. Romain
Essential Symptoms of Codependency
Three types of codependents
1. Caretakers--relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.”
2. Romance~relationship addiction--must be in a “relationship” and be “special” to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use caretaking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship.
“You’re no one unless someone loves you.”
3. Messiah complex--savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable.
“If I don’t do it. it won’t get done.”
Symptoms of codependency
1. External-referenced on other person or people.
2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.
3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.
4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.
5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.
6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.
7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.
8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity.
9. Lack of assertiveness.: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.
10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.
Problems often related to codependency
1. Other addictions--codependents use drugs, shopping, food, TV to cope with feelings. The majority of addicts--even alcoholics-- are codependents. Recovery from other addictions is jeopardized if codependency is ignored. As long as one is codependent, one is in the addictive process.
2. Neuroses and psychoses--mental health problems with their own specific symptomology and dynamics may develop out of codep.
3. Physical health problems--stress reduces effectiveness of Immune system to fight off diseases.
What is Codependency?Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts. Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Codependency.
Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency:
Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy are evident in many codependents.
Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.
Read about the characteristics and symptoms of codependency.
More about Codependency: The following excerpt from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
Symptoms of Codependency: Inability to know what "normal" is.
Difficulty in following a project through.
Difficulty having fun.
Judging self, others without mercy.
Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.
(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")
Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.
Feelings of being different.
Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)
Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
Hypersensitivity to criticism.
Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
Confusion between love and pity.
Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
Rigidity and need to control.
Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:
Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?
Books to read:
Codependent No More: Melody Beattie
Beyond Codependency : And Getting Better All the Time -- Melody Beattie; Paperback
Facing Codependence : What Is Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives -- Pia Mellody, et al; Paperback
Boundaries : Where You End and I Begin -- Anne Katherine; Paperback
or go to this website and find some more:
http://www.recovery-man.com/books/codependency.htm
information can be found at: http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm
A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in an emotionally painful and stressful environment. These behaviors are passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not.
www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/dc/caz/suba/alco/glossary.jsp
Co-dependency is a psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
What does co-dependency look like:
Philip St. Romain
Essential Symptoms of Codependency
Three types of codependents
1. Caretakers--relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.”
2. Romance~relationship addiction--must be in a “relationship” and be “special” to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use caretaking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship.
“You’re no one unless someone loves you.”
3. Messiah complex--savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable.
“If I don’t do it. it won’t get done.”
Symptoms of codependency
1. External-referenced on other person or people.
2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.
3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.
4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.
5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.
6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.
7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.
8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity.
9. Lack of assertiveness.: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.
10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.
Problems often related to codependency
1. Other addictions--codependents use drugs, shopping, food, TV to cope with feelings. The majority of addicts--even alcoholics-- are codependents. Recovery from other addictions is jeopardized if codependency is ignored. As long as one is codependent, one is in the addictive process.
2. Neuroses and psychoses--mental health problems with their own specific symptomology and dynamics may develop out of codep.
3. Physical health problems--stress reduces effectiveness of Immune system to fight off diseases.
What is Codependency?Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts. Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Codependency.
Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency:
Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy are evident in many codependents.
Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.
Read about the characteristics and symptoms of codependency.
More about Codependency: The following excerpt from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
Symptoms of Codependency: Inability to know what "normal" is.
Difficulty in following a project through.
Difficulty having fun.
Judging self, others without mercy.
Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.
(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")
Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.
Feelings of being different.
Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)
Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
Hypersensitivity to criticism.
Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
Confusion between love and pity.
Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
Rigidity and need to control.
Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:
Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?
Books to read:
Codependent No More: Melody Beattie
Beyond Codependency : And Getting Better All the Time -- Melody Beattie; Paperback
Facing Codependence : What Is Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives -- Pia Mellody, et al; Paperback
Boundaries : Where You End and I Begin -- Anne Katherine; Paperback
or go to this website and find some more:
http://www.recovery-man.com/books/codependency.htm
information can be found at: http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm