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10-16-2006, 03:29 PM
Alcoholoroscopes
ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes
them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks,
and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries
people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should
other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they
will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not
forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you
-- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to
them last night, if they can even recall what really happened last night.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming
for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly
intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of
bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets
and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and
dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite
fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by
any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er,
gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that
it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing
with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an
extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe.
Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and
uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once.
They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is
boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon
blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,
Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get
"tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's
nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of
inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite
Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be
adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite
awarethey're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally
know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control.
When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps
not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break
rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer)
and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the
next day.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to
drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to
drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand
loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do!
Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast
lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy
(and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm
going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A
toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just
that I'm so **************** social." Libra loves nothing more than to party,
mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra
(with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra
side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really
work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in
self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble --
including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening,
flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the
night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for
they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till
they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to
drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them
see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps
seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking
pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also
remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed.
Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of
their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna
Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room,
then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a
nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun . Good-natured hi-jinks are sure
to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous
Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,
steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left
off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of
David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the
true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not
too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are
you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally
on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant
to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up
with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more
stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or
organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their
duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in
that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They
also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they
start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and
capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers
while sober.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in
the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build
up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On
the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out
sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.
The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.
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ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes
them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks,
and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries
people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should
other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they
will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not
forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you
-- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to
them last night, if they can even recall what really happened last night.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming
for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly
intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of
bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets
and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and
dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite
fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by
any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er,
gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that
it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing
with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an
extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe.
Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and
uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once.
They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is
boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon
blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,
Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get
"tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's
nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of
inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite
Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be
adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite
awarethey're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally
know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control.
When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps
not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break
rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer)
and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the
next day.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to
drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to
drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand
loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do!
Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast
lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy
(and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm
going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A
toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just
that I'm so **************** social." Libra loves nothing more than to party,
mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra
(with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra
side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really
work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in
self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble --
including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening,
flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the
night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for
they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till
they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to
drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them
see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps
seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking
pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also
remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed.
Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of
their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna
Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room,
then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a
nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun . Good-natured hi-jinks are sure
to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous
Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,
steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left
off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of
David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the
true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not
too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are
you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally
on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant
to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up
with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more
stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or
organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their
duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in
that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They
also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they
start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and
capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers
while sober.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in
the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build
up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On
the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out
sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.
The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.
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