Oh how I would love to update with some good news one day.

[ihatethisdisease]

Won't someone please just shoot me, I am so not kidding. I am OVERWHELMED, that is putting it nicely. If you guys remember my last post I was saying about the terrible morning I had, hell, forget morning, this has been a terrible year, or should I say life and it is only getting worse. Medicare was inspecting our clinic a couple of weeks ago, we have been informed today that we have ten days to form a plan of correction and implement it and they will be back out to inspect us and if we haven't done so they will no longer fund us which means good bye job.

Went to my son's oncologist appointment today for the results of the CT scan they did on the brain tumor he has. Oncologist says it is larger than they thought, no good news followed that, just basically pray with all I have within me that the tumor is benign, because if it isn't he doesn't stand a chance and it is risky even if it is benign. Biopsy is scheduled for Monday, PLEASE keep my boy in your prayer, and me too, I guess because I am hanging on by a really small thread.

I think I managed to piss off or hurt everyone's feelings that I talked to today, in return I hate myself even more than I did before I rolled out of bed this morning, oh wait, I forgot I never went to bed last night, so before I rolled out of bed yesterday morning.

Former foster mom who has been battling cancer was just sent home with hospice, given 1-3 months to live.

Well, I think I am going to stop there.

:8: :8: :8: :8: :8: :8: :8: :8: :8: :8: :8:

[peajaye]

I'll shoot some prayers your way. You have a lot on your plate right now. Can't say I understand because I don't but I will pray for you, your son and your former foster mom. You can lean on us. Keep sharing with us. Do you have a face to face support system, or are you on your own?
Love,
PegJean

[admin]

Lifting you and your son up in prayer right now. :195:

Please continue to come and share with us. It always helps me when I share with others. I don't have to carry the load all by myself. We are here for you. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[cassie]

Hello
With all that's going on, I am understand how you could get overwhelmed. I have said a prayer for you and your son. I can't walk in your shoes but I can walk beside you and listen. :42:

You are doing exactly what you should be doing with the disease-reaching out and venting about what is going on. As long as you stay sober, things won't get worse. Please continue to come and share. You really don't have to be alone.
With friendship and respect.
cassie

[ihatethisdisease]

I'll shoot some prayers your way. You have a lot on your plate right now. Can't say I understand because I don't but I will pray for you, your son and your former foster mom. You can lean on us. Keep sharing with us. Do you have a face to face support system, or are you on your own?
Love,
PegJean

Pretty much on my own. I don't have family. The friends that I have made in AA thus far, I am doing a pretty good job of pushing away. Stupid me. If only I were perfect.

[peajaye]

We can be here for you. Please update as you can and we will be praying for you and your situation. I wish there were words that could convey to you genuine friendship and concern, but that will take time. In the meantime, as one of our members here says, simply silence.

Reminds me of "Be still and know that I am God"

[Doraine]

You have my support during this trying time. Try to deal with just one thing at a time. Your son needs you most right now.:101: :104:

[janbear]

:195: Saying a prayer for you, your son, and your former foster mom :195:

[ihatethisdisease]

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during the tremendously trying time. It means a lot. I will keep you all updated as often as possible. I rarely get online anymore for leisure with as much as I have been working, but I will update when possible.

I am feeling a bit better tonight. I am definitely exhausted after working the past 14 days straight. I have working over 130 hours in 2 weeks. When I got home I was exhausted and thinking of the many things that I needed to get done and my good friend Tom called and we had a really good conversation and he drug me out of the house to starbucks and did something really special for me. I have literally no self esteem whatsoever, I pretty much hate myself with a passion, I have shared a lot of that with him, tonight he took a piece of paper and wrote down a list of qualities that he and others see in me and then signed it saying we all love you. That really meant a lot to me, I brought it home and hung it on my mirror so that everytime I look in the mirror I can see it. He is a true friend, he is more like the father I never had, or the parent I never had, I am so grateful God put him in my life.

I am starting to get pretty anxious about the biopsy on my son on Monday, please remember to say a special prayer for him that morning. Tomorrow at church they are having baby dedications and I am dedicating him.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

[cassie]

If only I were perfect.

None of us are. So we all have something in common. I am glad you plan on coming back to keep us posted. Lifting you and your son up in prayer.:195:

cassie

[ihatethisdisease]

Once again, oh how I wish I had some good news to share, lol. Well, I guess the good news is I am still here and I am still sober, that actually is really good news!

Son's brain tumor biopsy results: malignant

Work: ****************ing sucks, excuse my language. I have slaved for that sorry clinic for the last 5 weeks straight working 65-70 hours a week, excluding the time I took during the day to run to the hospital during visiting hours to see my son in ICU. So Medicare came back out on Monday to audit us again and let us know if we would be shut down or not, the verdict: we will not be closed down. So the CEO gives two of the other employees $40 each and says "Margaritas are on me tonight" right freaking in front of me. Who cares about the comment about margaritas, he freaking didn't give me ****************, I was SO HURT. I have worked more hours in the last month than ANYONE in that freaking clinic, including him and the administrator, and I don't even get a thank you, f&?! you or anything, that is only the beginning, needless to say I am hurt.

I hate me so much right now. I feel like I can't ever do things right. I feel like I always make the wrong decisions, say and do the wrong things, and I try so hard not to. I dunno. My sponsor always tells me, feelings are not facts, look at the facts. To me the facts are: I am retarded (in a nutshell), lol.

I am so scared for my baby. We got the results back a little over two weeks ago on a Thursday. That day his oncologist admitted him for an upper respiratory infection to be cleared so that he could start radiation. Well an upper respiratory infection turned into pneumonia, put my baby on the ventilator and scared the ever living crap out of me. He is home now, thank God. I guess everything happens for a reason, because while he was in the hospital an immunologist saw him and the immunologist and his oncologist decided that the best treatment option for him would be gamma knife, which is something that my insurance normally won't pay for. And there is only 4 hospitals in this state that do it. So the oncologist sent his records to the doctor at the hospital that does it here last week and she accepted him as a patient and we went and saw her today and she said the insurance WILL pay for it. PRAISE GOD!!! Because without this as an option, his chances of survival were VERY SLIM. So he is scheduled for the procedure this Friday. Please continue to pray for him.

Sorry to be so long and whiney. Please forgive me :(

[admin]

Keeping you and your son in my prayers and thoughts here. :42: :195:

[ihatethisdisease]

Actually have good news! lol My son had his gamma knife surgery on Friday and it went really well! He is doing great! He is starting to get back to his old self again! He is awake a lot more during the day and he is walking normal again. No more daily ton of meds. He is eating much better and seems to be feeling much better! God is good! I am so happy for my little guy! Just thought I would share!

Now I need to get my butt to a meeting! I can't remember the last time I have been. Between work, him being sick, me being sick, ugh. I really need to go!

[chloe]

That is great news about your son. I will keep you both in my prayers.
I just wanted you know what an insparation you are it seems like your going through he!! right now but the most impotant thing is your sober.

Some of the dumpiest things have caused me to relapse like being bored but after reading your posts about you and your son it really opened my eyes.I just dont pick up no matter what. You are a very strong person you have been through alot keep up the good work.I just wanted to thank you for sharing and im so happy for your good news.

I will keep you both in my prayers. God bless
Jen

[admin]

I am so very glad to hear about your son. That is great news. Thanks for sharing it with us. :29: :42:

[Prescott]

Great news, Great share !!!!!

[simplicity]

Wow, I've been so inspired by the power of prayer by reading your story. I hope you continue to share and keep coming back. You,your son and foster mom are in my prayers. Thanks for inspiring me today. We get what we need when we share our lives with others. Your friend that got the paper signed with your assets sounds fabulous. What a great idea for support! Love it.