Random Acts Of Thinking

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Random Acts Of Thinking

Technology is invading everything these days. My alphabet soup has a
spell-checker.

Don't panic, but there has been an alarming increase in the number of things
you know nothing about.

My doctor told me there are now more than seventy million people who are
overweight. These are, of course, round figures.

Over the last two years, I've quadrupled my net worth. Sadly, four times
nothing is still nothing.

Success is where preparation and opportunity meet. Failure is where they
meet and can't stand each other.

Fish swim in schools. I wonder what subjects they study? I bet some of them
take debate.

Did I tell you about the time Wisconsin held a contest to come up with a new
state slogan? One angry woman who was sick and tired of all the tourists
suggested, "Smell Our Dairy Air!"

So I'm looking in the mirror the other day and I finally realized my hair is
not parted or unparted ... it's departed.

Source: Mark Mail

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RANDOM ACTS OF THINKING, 2007
Part the Last.

You don't have to be crazy to work here ... we'll train you!

Would you call a cow that eats too much a grass guzzler?

I read somewhere that Paul McCartney remixed "Let It Be" at least four times. Isn't that hypocritical?

I went to a ballet once. Didn't like it. Couldn't even tell you who won.

How is it the same candy bar that rots my child's teeth is a source of "quick energy" for adults?

I burned 2,500 calories today. My soufflé caught fire.

Three of my kids are in grad school. I'm getting poorer by degrees.

I used to wonder where my life was leading me. Then I took a course in self-empowerment. Now I wonder where I'm leading my life.

Every woman knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But no man knows the way to a woman's heart, because that would mean we'd have to stop and ask for directions.

I missed my class at beauty school. I'll need to attend a makeup session.

And here's another problem with technology: when the grandkids rummage through the attic after their parents have passed away, they'll never find an old trunk full of romantic text messages.

Rice is the perfect food for when you're hungry and in the mood to eat a few hundred of something.

I asked my wife if her love for me was growing over the years. She said she was just keeping up with inflation.

This is how I know I'm getting older. I told a friend I was thinking about having an affair ... he asked if I was going to have it catered.

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part that's behind me.
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RANDOM ACTS OF THINKING, 2008

So the other day my wife was looking at our wedding album, then she looked closely at me. Then she told me she figures there's about 40 pounds of me she's not legally married to.

Sometimes I'll go to the symphony even if I don't need the sleep.

At my age, my number one fashion question is, "Can you nap in it?"

I need to find a new job. I've just about had it with the photo lab. All the negativity is getting me down.

I'm not a very good multi-tasker, unless you count sleeping, dreaming, and snoring all at the same time. If you do, I'm brilliant!

At an "all you can eat" restaurant, would they kick you out for eating less than you can?

One time I was stopped for speeding. The police said, "You know, the speed limit is only 55 miles per hour." I said, "I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

I used to think the whole world was against me, but I found out a few of the smaller countries are remaining neutral.

If I'm ever injured, don't give me artificial respiration. I want the real thing, gosh darn it.

And while I'm on that subject, if my life is ever in jeopardy, don't forget to put your answer in the form of a question.

The secret to my success? I make of list of things not to do, then I check them off as I don't do them.

I used to use clichés like they were going out of style.
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