janbear
10-23-2006, 11:52 AM
Your Expectations --
Unreached or Unreasonable?
By Karon Goodman
Almost all of us enter into our stepfamilies with hopes and dreams about what our lives will become -- we're in love and ready for new beginnings, eager to build new relationships and create a family. Often, it works. But almost always, some of our expectations go unreached, and even those we do reach take longer than we expect.
Some common expectations include: easy "blending," quick love and affection for each other, and ready acceptance of the new family structure. Let's look at each one of these.
Easy "blending." Sometimes, we think that joining our families under one roof will signal to the kids that "everyone's a family now -- be happy!" Of course, it never works out that way. Often children have held onto beliefs that their parents would reconcile, and the start of a stepfamily is something they resist. Their reaction may be to reject their new stepparent and stepsiblings, even if everyone has gotten along well before the remarriage. It's often easy to believe that the transition to a new family won't be that tough.
When we expect the "blending" to start right away and to go smoothly, we are going to be disappointed. Few things take longer to come together than a happy stepfamily. So is this an unreasonable expectation? Sure. But it can be revised a bit to "blending slowly, making mistakes and learning from them." That's a more reasonable expectation. That's an expectation that you can reach with time and patience.
Quick love and affection for each other. We want this one so badly. You feel that the love you and your spouse have for each other will be enough to inspire similar affection in all the other relationships in the family. You mean well -- can't your stepchildren see that and return your love? You really want to love your stepkids -- but they are difficult, resentful children who test you in every way. The new kids in the family are just more kids -- why can't everyone get along for more than five minutes? What a mess!
First of all, none of these scenarios is uncommon. Stepfamily members, aside from the adults, often have a hard time feeling close and genuinely caring about each other. It doesn't mean it won't happen. This expectation is one that you just haven't reached yet because you expect it too soon, and because you expect the same depth of love and affection for family members related by marriage that is usually reserved for family members related by blood.
Revise your expectation to allow time for these feelings to grow, and to allow for a different kind of love -- then, you have a much more reasonable hope. Love and affection is a wonderful goal for your family -- just give everyone time and space to reach it and the freedom to develop it in the unique confines of a stepfamily. That's reasonable.
Ready acceptance of the new family structure. One of the most common problems in a new stepfamily is the kids' refusal to accept the stepparent as a parent figure with the authority to discipline. The stepparent who expects stepchildren to accept the new family structure easily and without question may be quite shocked and sorely disappointed. This kind of expectation can be reached in time, but it hinges on your spouse's control of the situation.
It's up to the children's birthparent to support the stepparent in the new family and to hold the children accountable for the way they treat their stepparent. Likewise, the stepparent needs to make his/her role clear -- not to take the place of the children's other parent, but to be another nurturing adult in their lives and one who deserves respect.
Together, the adults need to establish rules for the home. All of the children need to understand that the adults will parent as a team, and the kids will be expected to accept discipline from both parents. The new family means that the husband/wife relationship takes center stage as the parents work to build a healthy family in which to raise their children and build their future. Getting everyone to understand the new family structure isn't too much to expect -- over time. Work a little each day, and this expectation is another one you can reach.
* * * * *
Remember that your stepfamily will grow and change every day. Try not to let the setbacks discourage you. Instead, look at all you've learned, be creative as you seek solutions, and focus on even the tiniest step forward. Expect your new family to survive -- and do all that you can to make it not only survive, but surprise you with its success. Good luck!
Unreached or Unreasonable?
By Karon Goodman
Almost all of us enter into our stepfamilies with hopes and dreams about what our lives will become -- we're in love and ready for new beginnings, eager to build new relationships and create a family. Often, it works. But almost always, some of our expectations go unreached, and even those we do reach take longer than we expect.
Some common expectations include: easy "blending," quick love and affection for each other, and ready acceptance of the new family structure. Let's look at each one of these.
Easy "blending." Sometimes, we think that joining our families under one roof will signal to the kids that "everyone's a family now -- be happy!" Of course, it never works out that way. Often children have held onto beliefs that their parents would reconcile, and the start of a stepfamily is something they resist. Their reaction may be to reject their new stepparent and stepsiblings, even if everyone has gotten along well before the remarriage. It's often easy to believe that the transition to a new family won't be that tough.
When we expect the "blending" to start right away and to go smoothly, we are going to be disappointed. Few things take longer to come together than a happy stepfamily. So is this an unreasonable expectation? Sure. But it can be revised a bit to "blending slowly, making mistakes and learning from them." That's a more reasonable expectation. That's an expectation that you can reach with time and patience.
Quick love and affection for each other. We want this one so badly. You feel that the love you and your spouse have for each other will be enough to inspire similar affection in all the other relationships in the family. You mean well -- can't your stepchildren see that and return your love? You really want to love your stepkids -- but they are difficult, resentful children who test you in every way. The new kids in the family are just more kids -- why can't everyone get along for more than five minutes? What a mess!
First of all, none of these scenarios is uncommon. Stepfamily members, aside from the adults, often have a hard time feeling close and genuinely caring about each other. It doesn't mean it won't happen. This expectation is one that you just haven't reached yet because you expect it too soon, and because you expect the same depth of love and affection for family members related by marriage that is usually reserved for family members related by blood.
Revise your expectation to allow time for these feelings to grow, and to allow for a different kind of love -- then, you have a much more reasonable hope. Love and affection is a wonderful goal for your family -- just give everyone time and space to reach it and the freedom to develop it in the unique confines of a stepfamily. That's reasonable.
Ready acceptance of the new family structure. One of the most common problems in a new stepfamily is the kids' refusal to accept the stepparent as a parent figure with the authority to discipline. The stepparent who expects stepchildren to accept the new family structure easily and without question may be quite shocked and sorely disappointed. This kind of expectation can be reached in time, but it hinges on your spouse's control of the situation.
It's up to the children's birthparent to support the stepparent in the new family and to hold the children accountable for the way they treat their stepparent. Likewise, the stepparent needs to make his/her role clear -- not to take the place of the children's other parent, but to be another nurturing adult in their lives and one who deserves respect.
Together, the adults need to establish rules for the home. All of the children need to understand that the adults will parent as a team, and the kids will be expected to accept discipline from both parents. The new family means that the husband/wife relationship takes center stage as the parents work to build a healthy family in which to raise their children and build their future. Getting everyone to understand the new family structure isn't too much to expect -- over time. Work a little each day, and this expectation is another one you can reach.
* * * * *
Remember that your stepfamily will grow and change every day. Try not to let the setbacks discourage you. Instead, look at all you've learned, be creative as you seek solutions, and focus on even the tiniest step forward. Expect your new family to survive -- and do all that you can to make it not only survive, but surprise you with its success. Good luck!