Kai Stevens
11-06-2006, 01:47 PM
NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! I can't go through this again. I became suicidal at around 12 years old, that was approximately 1982. I started seeking help through doctors and counselors in 1992. Diagnosis: Depression :5: .
Then in 2003, it was changed to bi-polar. New meds, no real help.
Then Feb. 14, 2005, I admitted myself into state mental hospital. During admition, as my mother and I talked to Doc about my symptoms and history, Doc decided that I was having petit mahl seizures. That's why the depression was not being successfully managed by the meds. That's why nothing was working. I was 11 months sober. They put me on anti-seizure meds that night. Each day got noticeably better. I started to come to life, for the FIRST TIME.....IN MY LIFE.
It's been a year and a half. I found life, love, peace, joy, gratitude. There are not words for how dark it was before, and there are not words for how bright it has been since.
Then, slowly, over the last 6 months. I've gotten to be tired all the time. Can work pretty good most days, but am always ready for a 'nap'. Until one week before my period. Thats when I start to crash. On through until my period is over. Worse each month, this month really knocked my d*ck in the dirt.
I can't go back. I CAN'T!! It is most likely hormones:5: . Maybe first stages of early menopause. I'm terrified. The medication rollercoaster. Change things, try this, if it does not work, back up and try something new. All the while, I'm dying, inside, as the world goes on around me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm talking to you about it because I know there is nothing you can do. God already knows what's going on, but he does not interfere with Life on Life's Terms. He does not remove me from life's dificulties, he brings me through them. I lived through 22 years of this. The deepest deep. The blackest black. The coldest cold. The emptiest emptiness.
I'm scared. I'm so very scared.
Then in 2003, it was changed to bi-polar. New meds, no real help.
Then Feb. 14, 2005, I admitted myself into state mental hospital. During admition, as my mother and I talked to Doc about my symptoms and history, Doc decided that I was having petit mahl seizures. That's why the depression was not being successfully managed by the meds. That's why nothing was working. I was 11 months sober. They put me on anti-seizure meds that night. Each day got noticeably better. I started to come to life, for the FIRST TIME.....IN MY LIFE.
It's been a year and a half. I found life, love, peace, joy, gratitude. There are not words for how dark it was before, and there are not words for how bright it has been since.
Then, slowly, over the last 6 months. I've gotten to be tired all the time. Can work pretty good most days, but am always ready for a 'nap'. Until one week before my period. Thats when I start to crash. On through until my period is over. Worse each month, this month really knocked my d*ck in the dirt.
I can't go back. I CAN'T!! It is most likely hormones:5: . Maybe first stages of early menopause. I'm terrified. The medication rollercoaster. Change things, try this, if it does not work, back up and try something new. All the while, I'm dying, inside, as the world goes on around me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm talking to you about it because I know there is nothing you can do. God already knows what's going on, but he does not interfere with Life on Life's Terms. He does not remove me from life's dificulties, he brings me through them. I lived through 22 years of this. The deepest deep. The blackest black. The coldest cold. The emptiest emptiness.
I'm scared. I'm so very scared.