clean42day
11-07-2006, 02:06 PM
Loving those who disagree or criticize us.
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From the forthcoming book "Love is the Choice" by Robert Elias Najemy
Loving those who disagree, criticize or do not understand us
Let us deal first with the issue of when others do not understand me.
We may have difficulty loving those who do not understand us because we are controlled by the following beliefs:
a. If I were a good person, they would understand me.
b. I need others to understand me in order to feel safe, secure and loved.
c. I am safe only when others accept and understand me.
d. People understand me when they agree with me.
Note: There are differences between understanding, agreeing, being interested and complying. This point is interesting, when people say, "you do not understand me", what they often mean, "you do not agree with me, are not interested in my needs, or do what I want you to do." These are three entirely different realities. One is to understand what someone is saying or needing. Another is to agree with them and another still to be able, be interested enough or want or choose to give them or do what they want.
It turns out that we often lose our love, not because the other does not understand us, but because we believe that they do not agree, are not interested or are not willing or able to give us what we want. Just as we want to be loved when we cannot agree with others or comply with their needs, others need us to love them when they cannot accommodate our beliefs or needs.
We tend to feel intimidated and lose our love when others do not agree with us or criticize or reject us or our loved family, nation, religion or other grouping. We tend to believe that our self-worth depends on what others think about us or about the group we identify with. We then feel the need to protect our self-worth from others' differing opinions or criticism.
We need their approval in order to feel our self-worth and become defensive and even aggressive when we feel our self-worth being "intimidated." This is increased when we are programmed to believe there can be only one right way and all other perceptions and systems are wrong. We fear that if the others are right, then we must be wrong.
We will be affected by differing opinions and criticism to the degree that we doubt ourselves and others with whom we are identified. It is interesting that fanaticism is born from self-doubt. When we are secure in what we believe, we are not intimidated by criticism or differing perceptions. We do not need to prove anything to the others. We do not need to answer to them. We answer only to our conscience. We feel secure being different and even rejected when we feel in harmony with ourselves and our inner values.
This does not mean that we do not care about others, their needs, feelings or beliefs. We love them and care for them, listen to them, evaluate what they have to say, because they might be right and we might have much to gain by listening to them. In fact they are the "divine" itself speaking to us at that moment. The question is whether our lesson is to listen to them and change something about ourselves, our beliefs or lifestyle, or whether it is to continue to love them, while we follow our inner voice which is different from theirs.
We can do this much more easily when we feel safe within ourselves even when we are different from others and do not need their approval. When we fear that we will lose others’ love if we are different, do not have their approval or do not heed their suggestions, we develop an unnecessary inner negativity - supposedly to protect ourselves from this imaginary danger of disagreement or criticism.
If we feel secure within ourselves, we will listen and gently and loving explain that we are grateful for and respect their comments and perceptions and that we will think about what they have said, but will eventually have to live by our own inner values and beliefs.
In the end we can agree to disagree and love each other even though we do not agree. We are letting go of agreement as a prerequisite to love.
Our ability to do so will depend on the degree to which we ourselves are free from the need to criticize or disagree with others - perhaps in order to "protect" our self-worth, security, control or freedom. In some cases we may need to realize that a grouping with which we have identified ourselves (our church, government or other grouping), may in fact not be functioning well and may be attracting justified criticism.
Note: When we say let go of needing approval from others and follow our conscience, it does not mean that we believe that we are perfect, superior or without faults or mistakes or aspects that need to be improved. It simply means that we understand that all beings are in a process of evolution and that we are worthy of being loved even though we make mistakes and are not perfect. This does not mean that we stop seeking to improve our behavior, choices and actions. We continue to observe and improve ourselves, while all the time realizing that we and all others are worthy of being loved and respected as we are in our present state of evolution.
Employing this philosophy requires that we do the same for others and love and respect them with their faults, weaknesses and mistakes at this stage of their evolutionary process. When we can do so, it will be easier for us to feel comfortable and loving even in the face of criticism and differing opinions.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000
From the forthcoming book "Love is the Choice" by Robert Elias Najemy
Loving those who disagree, criticize or do not understand us
Let us deal first with the issue of when others do not understand me.
We may have difficulty loving those who do not understand us because we are controlled by the following beliefs:
a. If I were a good person, they would understand me.
b. I need others to understand me in order to feel safe, secure and loved.
c. I am safe only when others accept and understand me.
d. People understand me when they agree with me.
Note: There are differences between understanding, agreeing, being interested and complying. This point is interesting, when people say, "you do not understand me", what they often mean, "you do not agree with me, are not interested in my needs, or do what I want you to do." These are three entirely different realities. One is to understand what someone is saying or needing. Another is to agree with them and another still to be able, be interested enough or want or choose to give them or do what they want.
It turns out that we often lose our love, not because the other does not understand us, but because we believe that they do not agree, are not interested or are not willing or able to give us what we want. Just as we want to be loved when we cannot agree with others or comply with their needs, others need us to love them when they cannot accommodate our beliefs or needs.
We tend to feel intimidated and lose our love when others do not agree with us or criticize or reject us or our loved family, nation, religion or other grouping. We tend to believe that our self-worth depends on what others think about us or about the group we identify with. We then feel the need to protect our self-worth from others' differing opinions or criticism.
We need their approval in order to feel our self-worth and become defensive and even aggressive when we feel our self-worth being "intimidated." This is increased when we are programmed to believe there can be only one right way and all other perceptions and systems are wrong. We fear that if the others are right, then we must be wrong.
We will be affected by differing opinions and criticism to the degree that we doubt ourselves and others with whom we are identified. It is interesting that fanaticism is born from self-doubt. When we are secure in what we believe, we are not intimidated by criticism or differing perceptions. We do not need to prove anything to the others. We do not need to answer to them. We answer only to our conscience. We feel secure being different and even rejected when we feel in harmony with ourselves and our inner values.
This does not mean that we do not care about others, their needs, feelings or beliefs. We love them and care for them, listen to them, evaluate what they have to say, because they might be right and we might have much to gain by listening to them. In fact they are the "divine" itself speaking to us at that moment. The question is whether our lesson is to listen to them and change something about ourselves, our beliefs or lifestyle, or whether it is to continue to love them, while we follow our inner voice which is different from theirs.
We can do this much more easily when we feel safe within ourselves even when we are different from others and do not need their approval. When we fear that we will lose others’ love if we are different, do not have their approval or do not heed their suggestions, we develop an unnecessary inner negativity - supposedly to protect ourselves from this imaginary danger of disagreement or criticism.
If we feel secure within ourselves, we will listen and gently and loving explain that we are grateful for and respect their comments and perceptions and that we will think about what they have said, but will eventually have to live by our own inner values and beliefs.
In the end we can agree to disagree and love each other even though we do not agree. We are letting go of agreement as a prerequisite to love.
Our ability to do so will depend on the degree to which we ourselves are free from the need to criticize or disagree with others - perhaps in order to "protect" our self-worth, security, control or freedom. In some cases we may need to realize that a grouping with which we have identified ourselves (our church, government or other grouping), may in fact not be functioning well and may be attracting justified criticism.
Note: When we say let go of needing approval from others and follow our conscience, it does not mean that we believe that we are perfect, superior or without faults or mistakes or aspects that need to be improved. It simply means that we understand that all beings are in a process of evolution and that we are worthy of being loved even though we make mistakes and are not perfect. This does not mean that we stop seeking to improve our behavior, choices and actions. We continue to observe and improve ourselves, while all the time realizing that we and all others are worthy of being loved and respected as we are in our present state of evolution.
Employing this philosophy requires that we do the same for others and love and respect them with their faults, weaknesses and mistakes at this stage of their evolutionary process. When we can do so, it will be easier for us to feel comfortable and loving even in the face of criticism and differing opinions.