Humor for Women

[admin]

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flush Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

[admin]

WOMEN BEWARE!

We've all heard stories about people whose kidneys were stolen while they were passed out, but read on, because although those stories are just urban legends, this one is not and it's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning with someone else's thighs, the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these? and where were mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next and I knew it was the same gang, because my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) was precisely matched to the thighs they stuck me with earlier, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

And two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and watched in horrified fascination as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one piece at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age has nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts, thinking, what could possibly be left for them to take? Well, my poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must admit that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

[admin]

"Save our planet...it's the only one with chocolate!"

[admin]

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and
started to put it in her mouth. I took the item
away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't
know where it's been, it's dirty and probably
has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with
total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do
you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ....I was thinking quickly," All moms
know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be
a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't
pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my
face and joy in my heart.

[admin]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the

cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back

of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman

wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote

control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV

remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come

shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to

him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how

you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair

out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom

and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that

husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He

addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom

leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,

isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The

sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he

is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the

correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls

and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought

you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see,

it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton

of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling

papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to

roll my own ............ so does she. ( this guy could be the one on the

milk carton! )



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,

goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use

a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be

because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to

his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so

stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow

me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God

made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the

coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up

first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The

husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do

it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife

replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the

man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show

me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him

at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

[admin]

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.


Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

[admin]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

[admin]

AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

[admin]

MID LIFE

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.


That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

[admin]

Slogans for Women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

[admin]

Only a woman will TRULY relate to this and husbands should understand better!

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.

Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago.

Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.

When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if You put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

Ahhhh, relief. More relief.

But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late - your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
(Where was it when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs!!!

It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

[admin]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy.......
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come
along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree.
Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into
something
acceptable to have dinner with.

[admin]

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained
that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"So why didn't you wait till your husband got home?"
someone asked.

"I could, have" my mother told the group, " but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

[admin]

I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid. She said, "Don't be
silly you're not that bald."

[admin]

GONNA BE A BEAR



In this life I'm a woman. In my next life I'd like to come back as a bear.



When your're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.



Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.



When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.



If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. (I love this one!) Laughing



If you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.



Yup, gonna be a bear!

[admin]

Wives feel resentment when it is assumed that they are
responsible for everything that goes wrong around the house. This
is epitomized in the television ad in which the husband is upset
because there's a "ring around the collar." The wife breaks into
tears because her detergent has not removed the dirt from her
husband's shirt. The ring around the collar is seen as telltale
evidence of her failure. The ad never asks the obvious
question--Why didn't he wash his neck?

[admin]

FUNERAL PROCESSION:


DON'T SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END...ITS PRICELESS!

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200
women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Get in line."

__________________________________________________ _____

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord,

I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man.

Love, To forgive him and;

Patience, For his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death!

[janbear]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama,
as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...
things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home....
Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!
Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful!
Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...
words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

[admin]

Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[flickchic]

:eek: :lol: :lol: http://www.ipass.net/a1idpirat/rollsmile.gif

[simplicity]

thank you for the laugh this morning. And I'm laughing coz its soooo true.

[admin]

My oldest daughter just told me, "Mom, you either don't hear anything or you hear things that aren't there." True. :lol:

[admin]

The Mammogram
By Julia Napier

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K." I said, 'let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

[admin]

SHE: 'You remind me of the ocean.'
HE: 'You mean, I'm deep, romantic and restless?'
She: 'No, you just make me seasick.'

[clean42day]

What Do You Do All Day ?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside,
still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, s************my soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered grinning, "Well, today I didn't do it."




Send this page to another woman. Priceless

[admin]

:lol: I love that one. :1:

[flickchic]

yep me too!!!!!, thank's for the giggle Gail. xx

[Doraine]

:lol:

[janbear]

http://www.peaceproject.com/graphics/stickers/women/S409.gif

[admin]

:164: sister!! :1:

[admin]

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per
night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in
a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180
pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have
wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

[admin]

Women in Combat

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.

I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

[admin]

Chocolate is a Vegetable



Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived
from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in
the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.



To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is
dairy. So candy bars are a health food.



Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.



If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.



The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.



Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your
appetite, and you'll eat less.



If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.

Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)



If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?



Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.



Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
at least you'll get one thing done.



A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Now, isn't that handy?



If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you
can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?



If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
you?

[admin]

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

[admin]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.


"How much do you weigh?" she asks.


"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150.


The nurse asks, "Your height?"


"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.


She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.


"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"

[admin]

Masterpiece

One day a girl came home crying to her mom. The mom asked what was wrong.

The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!"

Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."

[allaflutter]

Thank You...I needed these chuckels today

[peaches1212]

This is all too Funny!!!!

[admin]

FOR MOMS ONLY - A TRUE FUNNY STORY

I'm the only female in a house full of guys:
Four sons and a husband. Toilet seat is never down etc...

Of course, I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct?

A peculiar thing was happening at my house.

Tampons were disappearing!

A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon, and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.

So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month I go back to the cupboard... and again... there is only one tampon left!

What's going on here??? Gremlins?

So, I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

Then, I decided to clean out my two youngest son's closet and at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them???

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind.

I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...

What do you use them for?"

To which I replied:
"Never Mind! Go Play!" :11: