relapsed again

[Wisha]

:rolleyes: I have relapsed again. I’m getting very frustrated with the whole situation of me trying to stay sober but constantly having alcohol on my mind. Now waking up with this horrible headache and hangover I’m wondering if I’ll ever get through this. December 2nd would have been a year for me but I’ve been relapsing the last few months. My longest time clean would be a little over eight months. I really want to get back to where I was, clean and happy. Since I’ve started drinking again, it really has shown in my life. Causing me money, relationships, and injuries. I’m not comfortable at all with AA, fact being that I’m not comfortable talking in groups about my life, but I am now willing to give it a try. I know that I need to do something. I keep thinking that I can control my drinking and drink in moderation. But I’m just lying to myself and setting myself up for disappointment later on. Yes, I have just drank one glass of wine one night and stopped, but there is always that one night when I’ll get wasted and do things that I later regret. It’s just so hard for me right now, I’m scared that I’m going to end up like I was before, drinking drugging and being unhappy with life. I just feel stuck and depressed. I know I need to do things differently, because obviously I’m doing something wrong.. And I’m willing to bet it’s the way I’m thinking of alcohol. Thinking that I have power over alcohol, and that alcohol doesn’t have power over me. Well it does whether I want to agree with myself or not. I know I can get sober again because I did it before. I guess I’ve just lost my way. Does anyone have any advice about things that I can do or change to help me through this? Things that have possibly worked for you? I just feel as though I’m in a rut right now, and am needing a little help getting out. :195: :195:

[admin]

Wisha, When I was in and out for a few years, I just kept coming back. For me it was the only hope I had. Please feel free to continue coming and sharing with us. :42:

Love,
Tammy

[free2bunme]

Hey Wisha -- Good for you for taking a step towards recovery and reaching out for help. That is an awesome beginning! I was on the fence in AA for about a year....I could not get more than 90 days of sobriety at a time. I was also trying to manage or control my drinking and pot use....When I finally picked up my last white chip, I was not even at my worst bottom. Through the grace of God, I just held on to this moment of clarity that this cycle was going to continue on and on and on for years and years and years, and i saw the hopelessness of it. By this time, I had finally started working with a sponsor and going through the Big Book. There is no way I would be sober today if I had not gotten involved with the fellowship and worked the Steps, become a real member. If you're not liking your current AA program, why not try out other meetings or otherwise change something in your program that is not working? Do you have a sponsor? This would be a huge step towards committing to recovery. If you're not done, you're not done ... but when you are ready, the Steps work! Go read p. 30 to yourself over and over "We had to admit to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic...." Hope you will keep coming back! Love, Frannie

[fibiray]

Wisha glad that you came back, just remember that accpetance is the key to all our problems. I can so relate to the reasonings and the rationalisations that you went through to justify why you should have a drink. I use to do this too. I can reason and rationalise the most utter garbage. Keep coming back and it is one day at a time. If you cannot go one day then go one hour at a time. god bless

[flickchic]

Hi ((((((((((Wisha)))))))))),

I'm so glad you've come back too!!!!, it's wonderful to see you, girlfriend.

"Nothing will change until WE change it"......I can certainly relate to your relpases, and yep; the reasonings and rationalisations also....as Frannie said; "good on you for taking a step towards recovery"; you're here and seeking guidance....well done. You are not alone in this and as others have shared it can take more than one go at recovery and more than one relapse;

time to own up; last night I gave in....I had a stinkin thinkin moment that a mouthfull or two wasn't going to make any diff...I'm already on the road of drug use(prescribed......but still using in my mind) so i figured what the heck, what's the diff??....I've been up and down, emotionally unstable, emotionally drunk every day for periods and last night I very quietly had two mouthfulls of alcohol.....yes, i did think about it, with a "bad attitude"; as i said...thought train = "what the heck?"....well the heck now is that I have lost all my days of sobriety yet again, round 3 coming up!!!!!....it does matter, to me, I have an active concious these days, a) I cannot lie about what I did, i am ashamed but I will not lie.....b) I've just screwed my sobriety time again and C), i've let down my sponsor, my friends/family and myself by doing what I did.

For me it is no longer "one day at a time"; I'm back to one hour at a time, so Wisha, I'm hanging in there girlfriend, right beside you!!!!.....I WANT my sobriety again, I want my clean time again.....so much better being on that side of the fence than the active side don't you agree??....I am praying for you and myself. I'm pretty ashamed right now of my attitude.

so yes, my suggestion is the same as Tammy's "keep on coming back"....I know i will be.

love flick xx

[admin]

Why did I keep coming back to AA even though I was off and on drinking? Because nothing else outside of the doors of AA was working for me. AA was where I found HOPE. HOPE that whatever was working for those folks that were sober would eventually work for me. Even though I was off and on drinking as I went to each meeting and talked with others in recovery, I was learning how to live life sober. Eventually I was able to make it but it was only until I surrendered all to God as I understand Him. They say stick with the winners and that is what I did.

Some of us are sicker than others, maybe I was sicker than others. Maybe I wasn't quite ready yet to give up my lover alcohol. Maybe, maybe, maybe. . . It takes what it takes and it took what it took for me. Everyone is different. But I do know one thing, AA does work if you keep coming back. If nothing else it sure will screw with your drinking. :1: