flickchic
12-10-2006, 06:22 AM
From the forthcoming book "Love is the Choice" by Robert Elias Najemy
Loving those who do not behave as we would like.
6. When others do not live up to my expectations or do not function as I would like them to (especially children, spouses, siblings and parents):
Our insecurity creates a need for others to live their lives according to our beliefs and values. When they do not, we feel intimidated because our beliefs are our security base. This is especially true with regard to our immediate family and more specifically our children for whom we feel responsible.
Some of us lose our feelings of love and unity for our close family members when we do not agree with their life style, marriage partner, professional choice, sexual preference, substance use, religion or even political affiliations.
Our challenge here is to feel secure enough within ourselves and to be able to love all regardless of their personal choices or ours.
We find this even more difficult when we feel responsible for their reality, happiness and success - as we perceive these. We feel that we have failed and loose our feelings of self-worth and security because we have not succeeded in making the others as we believe "they should be." It is a shame to lose our love for them because they are inclined to move in a different direction and we cannot control them.
We feel insecure when we cannot control others. This too is a test - to be able to love and accept those we cannot control and allow them to listen to their inner guidance - even when they seem to be moving in dangerous or wrong directions.
Every being is a totally unique expression of the divine. Others may have chosen to find happiness and evolution in ways that we cannot comprehend. They may also need to go through various experiences in order to discover through personal experience where their happiness does not lie.
This does not mean that we do not express our beliefs and feelings and needs. We do all of this respecting ourselves and the others, while maintaining feelings of love and the truth that their lives are their responsibility and we cannot create it for them.
This problem is accentuated when we fear that their choices might bring us rejection or shame in the eyes of society. We may need them to be like others, because of our personal need to be accepted by our social circle. Many children have felt that their parents gave more importance to what others believe, than to the children’s personal needs. When this happens we feel unloved. Of course the parent also feels unloved, because he or she thinks, if you really loved me, you would be as I need you to be in order for us to be accepted by the others. Of course, the parent may not express it in this way, but rather in terms of "right and wrong."
Thus loving those who do not live as we believe they should is an opportunity to free ourselves from three basic obstacles in our growth process and personal freedom.
a. Believing that we are responsible for what the others do and create.
b. Fearing what others think about us and our family.
c. Needing others to affirm our belief system, through living by it.
When we are secure enough within ourselves we will be able to love others whether or not they live according to our belief system.
Note: Loving others does not prevent us from deciding that we cannot live with or cooperate with them. If others choose lifestyles which we consider unethical or harmful or that create us pain, we have every right to choose not to keep company with them or do business with them. We can love them and wish them to be well and happy and help them whenever they need help.
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Loving those who do not behave as we would like.
6. When others do not live up to my expectations or do not function as I would like them to (especially children, spouses, siblings and parents):
Our insecurity creates a need for others to live their lives according to our beliefs and values. When they do not, we feel intimidated because our beliefs are our security base. This is especially true with regard to our immediate family and more specifically our children for whom we feel responsible.
Some of us lose our feelings of love and unity for our close family members when we do not agree with their life style, marriage partner, professional choice, sexual preference, substance use, religion or even political affiliations.
Our challenge here is to feel secure enough within ourselves and to be able to love all regardless of their personal choices or ours.
We find this even more difficult when we feel responsible for their reality, happiness and success - as we perceive these. We feel that we have failed and loose our feelings of self-worth and security because we have not succeeded in making the others as we believe "they should be." It is a shame to lose our love for them because they are inclined to move in a different direction and we cannot control them.
We feel insecure when we cannot control others. This too is a test - to be able to love and accept those we cannot control and allow them to listen to their inner guidance - even when they seem to be moving in dangerous or wrong directions.
Every being is a totally unique expression of the divine. Others may have chosen to find happiness and evolution in ways that we cannot comprehend. They may also need to go through various experiences in order to discover through personal experience where their happiness does not lie.
This does not mean that we do not express our beliefs and feelings and needs. We do all of this respecting ourselves and the others, while maintaining feelings of love and the truth that their lives are their responsibility and we cannot create it for them.
This problem is accentuated when we fear that their choices might bring us rejection or shame in the eyes of society. We may need them to be like others, because of our personal need to be accepted by our social circle. Many children have felt that their parents gave more importance to what others believe, than to the children’s personal needs. When this happens we feel unloved. Of course the parent also feels unloved, because he or she thinks, if you really loved me, you would be as I need you to be in order for us to be accepted by the others. Of course, the parent may not express it in this way, but rather in terms of "right and wrong."
Thus loving those who do not live as we believe they should is an opportunity to free ourselves from three basic obstacles in our growth process and personal freedom.
a. Believing that we are responsible for what the others do and create.
b. Fearing what others think about us and our family.
c. Needing others to affirm our belief system, through living by it.
When we are secure enough within ourselves we will be able to love others whether or not they live according to our belief system.
Note: Loving others does not prevent us from deciding that we cannot live with or cooperate with them. If others choose lifestyles which we consider unethical or harmful or that create us pain, we have every right to choose not to keep company with them or do business with them. We can love them and wish them to be well and happy and help them whenever they need help.
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