Cutting ties...too much?

[blessed2be]

Hi there. I am 31 yrs. old, married and a mom of three beautiful children. I grew up emotionally and physically abused by my alcoholic/drug addict father. My mother is famous in our family for her "detachment" and chose to deny there is any problem with my Dad. I have had a relationship with them both, but am pondering cutting ties until they can get help. We just went there for Christmas...big mistake. A while ago my hubby and I told them that we cannot stay with them at their house anymore because my Dad ends up completely exploding over little things and causing a big scene that angers and hurts the adults and scaring my babies. So, we stay with an aunt and they come to see us. Well, Mom threw a huge fit and begged us to stay for Christmas Eve so she can continue traditions with the grandkids. I caved and we agreed. Big mistake. We were so close to getting the kids out of bed and taking off in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve. Dad ruined it again with his outbursts and mumbling obscenities. Mom ruined it with her denial that anything happened at all. I feel like I am giving my Dad so much already by even having any type of relationship with him and giving him the chance to know his grandchildren. I feel I did it all these years so my mom wouldn't be punished or stuck in the middle. Now I feel like she is just as much to blame. I haven't called them since we left town and really don't plan to. They know why we are upset, but choose to act like it was no big deal. I am so tired of the whole thing every time we see them. I feel like I need to protect myself and my family from knowing what I had to grow up with. Is that too harsh? I have had "talks" with them until I was blue in the face. My parents both drink and smoke pot. My husband, I and the kids go to church every Sunday and live our life for God. Their lifestyle goes against everything we are. We feel like we have given them so much of ourselves, but also feel like our kids are old enough to start noticing things. I also don't ever want them hurt like I was. I never want them to walk on egg shells around my dad like I still do. I plan on trying out an al-anon meeting this week to see if that will help heal me. I am tired of their problems being my problem. Anyone ever been here? What did you do?

[Prescott]

Hi Blessed, Welcome to our group !!! al-anon sound's like a great idea for you.
I've been a sober member of AA for 9+ yrs and was part of the problem. Look forward to getting to know you. Keep coming back and share it helps it really does. I'm sure some of the ladies here will be along shortly with some words of wisdom.

[clean42day]

Hi there blessed...I am also glad you came here. No one should subject themselves to further abuse...especially children. one of the halmarks of Adult children...is that we stay loyal to unhealthy relationships that are not good for us, for wwwwwayyyy tooo long. and yes that means family members too.

Alcoholism is a family disease...and it does affect the whole family as a unit.
I don't blame you for not wanting your children subject to it...and good for you for recognizing how unhealthy it is.

I think your idea of Al-anon is a great one...and there is also...co-dependents anonymous too. The soulution is always to find a support group that will help you....we cannot change other people...but we can help ourselves deal with the difficult ones.

one of my families most famous tools of manipulation was using guilt to trap me back into the family dysfunction....when I quit reacting to those little traps...is when guilt lost power in relationship....and yes I was the one who had to learn "healthy" detachment to keep myself safe. Alanon will teach you how to keep you and your family safe from the insanity of the disease of alcoholism, addiction, and dysfunctional family systems.

Good luck to you and please keep coming back to share here.

light and love

Gail

[blessed2be]

Gail,

Thanks so much for your reply (and the others too!).

one of my families most famous tools of manipulation was using guilt to trap me back into the family dysfunction....when I quit reacting to those little traps...is when guilt lost power in relationship....and yes I was the one who had to learn "healthy" detachment to keep myself safe. Alanon will teach you how to keep you and your family safe from the insanity of the disease of alcoholism, addiction, and dysfunctional family systems.

What you said above is exactly what I have dealt with for waaaaaaaayyy too many years. My parents constantly guilt me into putting up with their addictions and I am the one hurt in the end, while they go on feeling like nothing is wrong with them and I am the one with the problem. Yeah right, I have the problem because I don't accept them for who they are?????!!!! I'm done. I am not angry or upset. Just numb, which is why I knew I was ready to take the step to just cut them out of our lives. If they ever go for help we could have a chance, but for now I am happy to protect myself and my family from their lifestyle.

[mitchel]

Keep your family at a distance until they or your father understands the pain he causes you. Good luck, don't cave!

[treetop]

Welcome Blessed. I had the same problem that you have and I finally moved 1400 miles away so I could heal! I have been able to heal from a very abusive childhood. It sounds like you and your husband are active in church and have developed some new holiday traditions. It is time to learn how to say NO!! Al-anon has been great for me. I wish you well.

[SilverLily]

Hi,
Like one of your responders, I too moved 2000 miles away so I could heal. There's something to be said for the adage: "Running from a problem doesn't solve it" but in 8+ years I have never regretted my decision. In fact, I have enjoyed better health (mentally and physically) and more stability and success in my own life since I decided to cut ties with my dad. It took me almost 30 years to accept these truths: 1) I didn't do anything to deserve his alcoholic abuse throughout my childhood and early adulthood. 2) I didn't choose him as a parent, nor for him to be an alcoholic, therefore I had no power to change him. (and believe me I tried) 3) If he could not or would not stop drinking, it was not only okay but also necessary for me to cut ties - no matter how much I love him.
I find that as an ACOA, I have amazing enabling talents, and it is very hard to avoid crossing the line from healthy to unhealthy efforts to please the people around me.
But everyone has their own line in the sand, and it sounds like you are getting pretty close to yours. Stay strong, and let us know how it goes.

[mema246]

My parents have both been in denial all my life, nothing has changed since my mother got clean, I just don't have to worry about her driving anymore.
To her and my father I am the problem. I am slowly separating myself from them, so I can maybe find a little peace in my life. I Love them very much, but I just can't stand it anymore.

[welshgirl]

1) I didn't do anything to deserve his alcoholic abuse throughout my childhood and early adulthood. 2) I didn't choose him as a parent, nor for him to be an alcoholic, therefore I had no power to change him. (and believe me I tried) 3) If he could not or would not stop drinking, it was not only okay but also necessary for me to cut ties - no matter how much I love him.

SilverLily, these are the sentiments I have towards my mum, and even though I can recognise that this is the way to feel, I find it very difficult to accept them and live this way. My mother is in denial and I constantly feel as if I might be wrong, and it might not be as bad as I think. But I know its bad, and as soon as my sister and I start to have families, its going to get worse. I also know that I still have not got strong enough boundaries yet to cut her off completely, and that I have to begin a process of detachment so that when I move away (and I will, as this has been the plan for over a year, just lack of funds) that I will have a "normal", alcoholic-free life.