Tough Day

[blessed2be]

Hi there. Just needed to vent and couldn't make it to an al-anon meeting. My 8 month old decided tonight was her night to fight sleep, and my hubby isn't comfy calming her down...or should I say she won't calm down with him. So...anyhoo...the meeting started 1/2 hour ago and I won't walk in late. I sooo needed it tonight, though. I should have known better, but I sent my Mom an email for her and Dad to read. It felt like it was right at the time. I had to let them know how I felt. We saw them for Christmas and it sucked, which I totally expected. We left town and never called...neither did they. That was last Thursday. I normally talk to my Mom every day or so. I felt I needed to send the email to let them know what was on my mind. I felt it was wrong to just never call them again, especially since I knew that they were just acting as if nothing happened. Read it for yourself:

Mom and Dad,

Mom, please print this out for Dad to read too. This is truly for the both of you. I have been really struggling with what to do. I am tired of being hurt and having my family experience Dad's outbursts over any detail that does not go his way. I am trying to understand that those outbursts are a result of the alcoholism/depression. However, during our visit I saw the fear in my boys' eyes toward you Dad. It was the same fear I had in me so long ago and I won't let that live in them. I have not called because I am on the fence, trying to decide what to do. I thought I could accept the way you both are, but I can't. If I were to accept you both as you are, I would be saying I don't love you both enough to know that you could both be so much better and healthier. I do love you both so much, which is why I feel the need to step back. I am no longer willing to subject my family to the alcoholism you both suffer from (whether you admit it or not), Dad's depression or Mom's unhealthy detachment of any issues relating to Dad.

I still don't know what to do. I know I can't make you both get help. I don't want to do that anyway. You have to somehow come to the realization, when you are ready, that you have a choice to make. You can remain as you are and go on as you always have...without us, or you can someday get help...with our full love and support. I am not making a threat. I am just done with the walking on eggshells, the drug addiction, the alcohol abuse, the emotional abuse, the hurtful outbursts. I feel like I have given Dad too much already by having any relationship with him whatsoever and letting him know his grandchildren. I have endured too much pain, both physical and emotional, from Dad and I refuse to endure anymore.

I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. It was nice and very supportive. I plan on continuing. I have realized that I can never change the two of you, but I can make sure that I change myself and not let my family be hurt by your addictions any longer. God gave Jerry and I three beautiful children and it is our job to protect them. I feel I have failed as a parent every time I put them in situations where they are forced to endure Dad's mood swings and outbursts. Dad isn't the only one that needs help, either. Mom, you are so detached and you admit that. Your detachment may work for you and you feel you are the only one that can understand why you have to do that, however, it is just as painful to me for you to act as if nothing happened. You did that my entire childhood. I needed someone to protect me and you kept me in that situation. I struggle so often to get over that resentment. However, I am all grown up now and feel like I turned out pretty well, considering. I have my faith in God and know that he will lead me down the right path. It is because of my strong faith that I know I can never continue a relationship with you and Dad as things are.

I don't want to have a big discussion. I don't want a big blow-up. I want you and Dad to think about things. If you think it is Jerry and I with the problem and not the two of you...then that is fine. We will keep our distance. I just have felt numb since our visit. Christmas Eve I realized that I don't want to visit a father that has to get high just to be able to be around me and and my family. I don't want to walk on egg shells anymore. I don't want to see my mother completely deny that anything is wrong. It hurts too bad to see the two of you hurting yourselves and I won't watch it anymore. I also won't subject my husband and children to it either. The boys are older now and notice a lot more than we give them credit for. I will never let them experience an inkling of what I knew at such a young age.

I love you both very much. I just wished you loved yourselves and each other enough to want to seek help. I am not angry, so please don't take this email as one of my little fits. I truly am just...done. Having the two of you ruin Christmas was the last straw. I am happy that Dad apologized, but it really was too little too late. Christmas Eve was not necessary and can never be taken back. Just like all the other visits that were ruined by outbursts and negative words...we can never get those back.

I hope you both do the right thing, whatever that may be for you. Know that I am here should you need me. I love you both very much.


Jen


So, I emailed that yesterday and got a reply that was pretty expected. Mom totally attacked me and blames me for the way they are. Apparently she has forgotten about all the physical and emotional abuse I suffered starting at such a young age. I know that her reaction is normal for an enabler. It just doesn't make it any easier. She sent a few emails, each one worse than the other. I replied to one and noticed that she was just threatened and trying to suck me in again as usual. So, I don't plan on sending any replies. I really just want to focus on myself and my healing. I keep repeating the serenity prayer to myself and I stood in front of the crucifix on the wall today and had a nice little chat with Jesus. I prayed so hard that he lead me in the right direction.

I am not doing this to spite my parents. I just want to protect myself and my family. I am just so really tired (exhausted) and can't be a part of their insanity anymore. I am 31 years old. I have a wonderful husband (married 7 years) and three beautiful kids. I see no reason to put myself and my family through such pain/stress/disappointment every time we come into town. It happenes every time.

There is another meeting tomorrow night, so I can't wait to go to that one. Just needed to vent. I actually feel a little better by doing so. I know this will be tough to walk away from my parents, but I just don't see another way. They can't be forced to get help, and I can't be forced to deal with their issues. Thanks for "listening"!

[blessed2be]

One question...anyone out there that is in a similar situation? Anyone brought up with one or both parents being alcoholics...that did not choose to continue the cycle of alcohol/drug abuse? I am just wondering how someone else handled their situation. My hubby and I don't smoke, do drugs or have a problem with alcohol. We do drink socially, but there isn't anything unhealthy about it. We don't fight or get mean. We go to church every Sunday, send our kids to Christian school. I really worked hard to break the mold and wondered if there is anyone else dealing with similar issues.

[clean42day]

Good for you Jen for finally writting down how you feel, telling your parents, and setting a healthy boundry. I wanted to give you two other links....one has on-line Al-anon meetings....just in case you are faced with a situation with the baby again.

http://www.12stepforums.net/ within this site you will find http://www.12stepforums.net/alanon.html which has on-line meetings.

you can also do a google search for Al-anon online support groups to find other sites that also offer live on-line meetings too.

I thought your letter was good, clear, and concise with a minimum amount blame. I don't blame you for being angry, resentful, and full of fear and remorse. Those are normal feelings for sure. from my understanding...now that you have set a boundary....it is now your job to keep it. That means not engaging in unhealthy interaction with your mom or dad, because without recovery on thier part you are actually engaging the insanity of the disease. mostly Al-anon is about healing you...not changing them. and no matter how far you think you have come....and how much you feel you have broken the mold so to speak...there will be a process of grief involved on your part and a kind of letting go. Now you can focus on healing you and your new family....and not on changing them. That is the whole point of recovery in al-anon.

please understand that your parents are sick people...not bad people. just like a person with cancer...does not choose too have the outward symptoms of cancer, neither do they. The disease of alcholism/addiction...affects a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. they are not bad people trying to get good...they are sick people trying to get well. and you cannot convince them that they are sick...nor can you convince them that they need to get help. I think you articulated that clearly in your letter....now you can internalize it for yourself and surrender them to God.

That was a real hard concept for me to grasp....I had to seperate the behavior of the alcoholic from the person. and yes I had to grieve for the unhealthy ways I was raised, the emotional abuse, they physical/emotional, and mental abandonment. and mostly the spiritual aspect that caused me to abandone myself.

But when it came down to the nitty gritty....I came to understand that they are children of God...just like me...and they deserved God's love, grace, and mercy even when I was not capable of giving it to them....I prayed that God would, and that he would lead them to the right place, at the right time, to get the help they needed.

Part of what enables that process to take place is for the alcoholic to start experiencing the full impact of the consequences of thier behavior....and your letter just might be the wake up call that they need. it may not seem that way right now....most people when confronted with loosing someone they love will not take responsibility for it when they are in denial themselves...the natural move is to blame the other person becuase they are in so much fear of looking at themselves. But consequences do have a way of shattering that denial...and it will prolly take time for them to internalize what they are actually loosing in thier life through your boundary.

it is almost insanity to confront an alcoholic and say....if you loved me you would quit drinking to save this relationship. in that sense it is just as insane to say If you loved me you would quit having cancer. so please understand that the disease of alcoholism and addiction is stronger than love and try no to take it personally and have a whole bunch of expectations that they will suddenly change and heal.

But it is not stronger than God. and he is the only one who can bring them out of it...if they choose him and recovery for themselves. What I have been taught over the over again...with my own family, and including my own sponsees....is that. I am powerless over someones alcoholism/addiction and my job is to focus on becoming healthy and heal myself....But God is not powerless....and my best tool for helping them and helping myself is to pray that God interviene in thier disease and love them up and out of it...just like he did for me.

I don't know if this has helped you, but it is my perspective. I am soooo glad you are finally taking actions to help yourself and your family. Al-anon is a wonderful program that will change you and change your whole perspective on life. God has brought you this far for a reason...and he just might be using you to help your parents. Please remember that your parents at thier core are loving, caring spiritual beings...but right now not even they can feel that or see it. Pray for them...that God will remove this disease from thier lives and then get on with the business of helping yourself to heal too.

in short...you have taken healthy actions...now let go and let God do his work. and your parents are God's work...not yours.:195: prayer works.

please keep coming here for support and continue sharing....I and we will be here for you as long as you choose to be part of this recovery family.:42:

soooo glad you are here

light and love

Gail

[clean42day]

Hi blessed I found this reading for you today and thought it applied.:1:

THURSDAY , JANUARY 04, 2007
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.


Separating from Family Issues

We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.

Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.

Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.

We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.

We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.

We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.

Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.

We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.

We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.

Today, I will separate myself from family members, l am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.

take care of you ok?

light and love

Gail

[flickchic]

Hello Jen, just wanted to add a "good on you" from me too!!!!:1: :29:

Well done, and thankyou for sharing of you and your situation. Takes a lot of courage to stand up and begin placing boundries. Takes strength and courage to hold them in place too, I pray you are able to continue to do so, I would feel from your share that you CAN DO THIS, well done!!!! Keep up the good work!!!, it can be a tough road at times, however I'm sure you'll come to realise if you haven't already :-), that's it worth your efforts to keep travelling the roads of recovery!!!:1: :42:
Blessings to you and your family:195: :195:

[blessed2be]

Wow! I consider all of you angels in my healing process. Clean42day...your reply was right on and exactly what I needed today. I am smack dab at the beginning of my grieving process. I feel it, but I have power over it. I know I can do this and I know I have to. Your advice to give them up to God is the best advice. Thank you so much. I can't wait to check out those links you sent too.

Flickchic and Sunshine...thanks for sharing and giving me your encouraging words. I am so glad I found this site.

Thank you!!!!!!!

[blessed2be]

Hi blessed I found this reading for you today and thought it applied.:1:



take care of you ok?

light and love

Gail


Yes, right on! I will take care of me. I just need to keep reading passages like that to remind me that I can!

You are so sweet, Gail. Thank you so much. I really needed to read all of this today. Yesterday was a really bad day. I prayed and was sent my answer from God today. I was driving today and narrowly missed being involved in an accident. The car in front of me was making a left turn, but missed the light and tried going after it turned red. The oncoming traffic light turned green and there was an accident. An oncoming car hit the lady in front of me and both cars were sent spinning. Had I been two feet further up, one of the spinning cars would have clipped me. I took that as God's sign that I need to snap out of it and take care of what is in front of me. I need to be in the here and now for myself and my family. I need to remove myself from worrying about what my parents think of me and leave them to their issues.

Thank you God (and Gail!).

Jen

[PatNewMex]

Just a quick response that if you wish to sever contact via email, that can be done easily and politely. I helped someone here at work do that to her parents. They tried calling and calling and emailing and finally they stopped. She no longer answered her cell phone when she saw it was from her father or mother. She had her email automatically filter their emails to her husband's account in the event there was a family emergency....etc.

Just send one last email that says you won't see replies they send to you because the replies either go in the trash automatically or are redirected to someone else.

Just letting you know that is an option even for the short term. You might tell them you need, say, 6 months or so of non-contact. Make up your own boundries!

They are obviously in that river in Egypt (De-Nile) and now that you have spoken and made your wishes known, you have done your part. The ball for their own recovery is in their court.

Pat

[blessed2be]

Thanks Pat! My hubby gave me the same advice...the ball is in their court...I have done my part and set my boundaries. I really have been doing better at being stronger. Now I just have to pull away from the family members that are trying to "mediate". Not sure how I do that because they were always the ones there for me during my childhood. They are ACOA's too, but were my safe haven. I don't want to hear every detail about my parents, but I also am not sure I am ready to put any distance between us either. I'll just take it day by day I guess!

[e79243]

I had to do the same finally too. I will no longer explain to my four year old daughter why her grandmother always has black eyes and it always mad and there is always drama in her home and her husband is an alcoholic to and does nothing about my mother's and his issues. This was done at Thanksgiving when I once again went over to her house and she would not act as hostess due to a blackeye and a hangover. She has been doing this for 46 years now and has missed my wedding, having a baby, meeting my husbands' parents and family, cancelled countless lunches and dinner plans