clean42day
01-10-2007, 12:53 AM
Do you see yourself ?
CARETAKERS
Caretakers don't just care of others; they often breed dependency. Often from early childhood, Caretakers have learned to base their self-image on how much they can do for other people. They "baby-make" in the name of care and love.
But because they see their main task in life as taking care of others, they never learn to take very good care of themselves. And the "others" learn that they never really have to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Why ? Because the caretaker will always be there to set things right, bail them out, yank the fat out of the fire.
Habits create needs. So it isn't long before the Caretaker needs, subconsciously of course, dependent people around. If there aren't some dependents handy, a dedicated Caretaker will find or make some.
Not suprising, Caretakers get dragged down from time to time. They'll say to themselves, "MY God ! .. I don't have a single responsible person in my life. Everybody I know uses me ! " ... Of course they do. If they didn't, the Caretaker couldn't get much of a relationship going with them. So the real question isn't ... "Why do they act like that ?" ... (But) .. "Why do I find myself in the same predicament all the time" ... Who you are in a relationship with says as much about you as it does about the other person.
Recovery - Caretakers can learn to stop playing God and allow others to take responsibility for their own actions. Life is so much easier when we stop playing God.
PEOPLE PLEASERS
People-pleasers have learned that their self-esteem is based on never making anyone angry. "I can never say no," their thinking goes, because if I do, people will get mad and turn away from me. If they get mad, I must be bad, and if I am bad they will go away. Then I will be all alone. therefore, I must never say no or do anything that will make people go away."
Chronic People Pleasers almost never have satisfying relationships because they lie - indirectly and habitually. When a people pleasers spouse comes home and asks, "How are you doing?" the people pleaser will say, "FINE", no matter whats going on. She may be so mad she can't see straight, or he may be so depressed he doesn't even feel alive, but a people pleaser is always "fine." .... Sooner or later, though, what isn't so fine will burst out like a volcano or indirect punishment.
People Pleasers aren't fine because they don't get what the need. Many times they dont get it because they dont ask for it and the "other" doesn't know. They have given awat their power, and claiming their own rights seems beyond them. Rather than coming straight out and declaring who they are and what they want, they hope and pray that somehow the others will just "know" .. and, in knowing, "care" ... So People pleasers are always in a state of emotional starvation. And as they starve, they indirectly punish their others for not giving what they would not ask for.
Because habitual behaviors create needs and set up patterns, People pleasers often end up with abusers. People who won't claim their rights are almost certain to come across others who are more than willing to take their rights away from them. But the real issue for recovery has very little to do with them, and everything to do with us. If "they" are not considerate of my rights or respectful of who I am, why did I choose this relationship in the first place ?Wherever you go, there you are ... If nothing changes .. nothing changes.
Recovery - People pleasers can learn to assert their own rights and not feel apologetic about it. They definitely can learn to say ----> " I COUNT "
MARTYRS
Martyrs have learned that life only has meaning when there's plenty of suffering going on; they court pain for the sake of normalcy. Typically, martyrs become frightened if they have a few good days. It doesn't fit. Like anybody who gets frightened, martyrs tend to revert to form. They find ways to make sure that things dont get too good. If there relationships seem to be rolling along peacefully, they find some way to derail the train.
People invariably accomplish what they truly believe, and since Martyrs truly believe that life is suppose to be a struggle, a struggle is what they get. Nothing ever is really good, truly enjoyable, or pure joy. For martyrs the best that something can be is "nice" ... Habits create needs and Martyrs need to suffer.
Agressive Martyrs often form relationships with passive, trembling types. Then they feel bad for having no get up and go. They can complain that they have to make all the decisions and do all the work. But of course that is why they formed that relationship.
Recovery ... Martyrs can become people who do not need to suffer in abusive relationships
WORKAHOLICS
These are people who have learned to base their self-esteem on activity. I used to say that the Workaholic's self-esteem is based on productivity, but I have come across many Workaholics who simply just have to busy. Accomplishment isn't it -- just flying around in constant motion seems to be enough. Some people call this the "craziness of the busies."
Workaholics find it extremely difficult to relax. They need "busyness" to feel worthwhile and they are never off the hook because their need to do is merciless. Workaholics Martyrs carry it a step farther and feel guilty when they aren't busy.
In relationships, Workaholics continually communicate to their "others" that while they may be important they're just not as important as the project, profit, or performance at hand. Workaholics are disheartening to live with.
Recovery - Workaholics can feel worthwhile even though they are at rest
PERFECTIONISTS
Since nothing on this earth can ever be perfect, Perfectionist can never be happy or satisfied. The base of their self-esteem is unattainable. Perfectionist live in terrible "bondage". Not only must the "things" around them be perfect, but so must the people. they are absolute masters at finding fault. Nothing is ever quite good enough. A child who gets four "A"s and one "B" on a report card will hear the Perfectionist Parent say, " Nice -- but what happened with that B ?" .. "Let's see if we can do something about that." Imperfection abounds of course, so Perfectionist don't have far to look. They are just more skilled than the rest of us at seeing it, commenting on it, and allowing fallibility to control their lives.
Perfectionist (like Caretakers or People Pleasers) don't fall out the trees fully formed at age thirty. They have practiced becoming who they are. They were trained, then they went into training themselves, and finally they started training others. The Cycle is clear enough once you start to look for it.
A clean and sober addict is just that - Clean and Sober. Alcoholic / Addict Perfectionist who gain sobriety are still Perfectionist and, like fleas on a dog, their tendency to neurotic perfectionism will chew away at their efforts to be happy.
Recovery - When we look at the living problems that underlie all addictions. Perfectionists can learn to live at peace with an imperfect world. They can learn the blessed relief that comes from accepting themselves as they are - "flawed" ... and allowing others the same right to be imperfect as well.
TAP DANCERS
Tap Dancers base their self-esteem on staying loose: they have learned to never make a full commitment. They got their name because they never stand still, at least emotionally. You can't get a straight answer out of a Tap Dancer. They are "experts" at creating back doors.
Tap Dancers don't often have just one primary relationship. Sometimes they have five going on at the same time. If one doesn't work, they can fall back on the other four. Tap Dancers seem to get high living on razars edge. A deep, dark part of them seems to love the danger of getting caught. To them, life is a game of hide-and-seek.
Tap Dancers give just enough to keep the other enticed, but never enough to hold on to. They are masters of the half-truth and the veiled truth. You may think that a Tap Dancer has said something solid to you, but when you examine it, you begin to wonder. And the more you wonder, the surer you become that they did it to you again - gave you a "for sure, maybe."
Of course, Tap Dancers only relate to people who are willing to let them dance, so caretakers and people pleasers are sitting ducks for them. The Caretakers may spend a lifetime trying to "FIX" the Tap dancer. The People pleaser will always think its his or her fault that the Tap Dancer won't come out of hiding and make a commitment. So the People pleaser keep trying "to do things right" while the dancer taps away into the sunset of both their lives.
Tap Dancers who sober up can be worse evaders of commitment than before they ever started getting loaded, maybe because of all the guilt and remorse the newly sober person often feels. Guilt and remorse can convince the Tap Dancer that "if people knew the real me" .. "They'd know all the terrible things I've done and what a terrible person I am. I can't let them know the real me !" So he dances away !
Recovery - recovery begins not just when you're at the starting line, but when you've actually begun the race by beginning to deal with underlying issues. Tap Dancers can learn to learn to stand still and be counted. They can learn that commitment can mean freedom as well as confinement.
You are reading from the Book : ( Stage II Life Beyond Addiction )
CARETAKERS
Caretakers don't just care of others; they often breed dependency. Often from early childhood, Caretakers have learned to base their self-image on how much they can do for other people. They "baby-make" in the name of care and love.
But because they see their main task in life as taking care of others, they never learn to take very good care of themselves. And the "others" learn that they never really have to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Why ? Because the caretaker will always be there to set things right, bail them out, yank the fat out of the fire.
Habits create needs. So it isn't long before the Caretaker needs, subconsciously of course, dependent people around. If there aren't some dependents handy, a dedicated Caretaker will find or make some.
Not suprising, Caretakers get dragged down from time to time. They'll say to themselves, "MY God ! .. I don't have a single responsible person in my life. Everybody I know uses me ! " ... Of course they do. If they didn't, the Caretaker couldn't get much of a relationship going with them. So the real question isn't ... "Why do they act like that ?" ... (But) .. "Why do I find myself in the same predicament all the time" ... Who you are in a relationship with says as much about you as it does about the other person.
Recovery - Caretakers can learn to stop playing God and allow others to take responsibility for their own actions. Life is so much easier when we stop playing God.
PEOPLE PLEASERS
People-pleasers have learned that their self-esteem is based on never making anyone angry. "I can never say no," their thinking goes, because if I do, people will get mad and turn away from me. If they get mad, I must be bad, and if I am bad they will go away. Then I will be all alone. therefore, I must never say no or do anything that will make people go away."
Chronic People Pleasers almost never have satisfying relationships because they lie - indirectly and habitually. When a people pleasers spouse comes home and asks, "How are you doing?" the people pleaser will say, "FINE", no matter whats going on. She may be so mad she can't see straight, or he may be so depressed he doesn't even feel alive, but a people pleaser is always "fine." .... Sooner or later, though, what isn't so fine will burst out like a volcano or indirect punishment.
People Pleasers aren't fine because they don't get what the need. Many times they dont get it because they dont ask for it and the "other" doesn't know. They have given awat their power, and claiming their own rights seems beyond them. Rather than coming straight out and declaring who they are and what they want, they hope and pray that somehow the others will just "know" .. and, in knowing, "care" ... So People pleasers are always in a state of emotional starvation. And as they starve, they indirectly punish their others for not giving what they would not ask for.
Because habitual behaviors create needs and set up patterns, People pleasers often end up with abusers. People who won't claim their rights are almost certain to come across others who are more than willing to take their rights away from them. But the real issue for recovery has very little to do with them, and everything to do with us. If "they" are not considerate of my rights or respectful of who I am, why did I choose this relationship in the first place ?Wherever you go, there you are ... If nothing changes .. nothing changes.
Recovery - People pleasers can learn to assert their own rights and not feel apologetic about it. They definitely can learn to say ----> " I COUNT "
MARTYRS
Martyrs have learned that life only has meaning when there's plenty of suffering going on; they court pain for the sake of normalcy. Typically, martyrs become frightened if they have a few good days. It doesn't fit. Like anybody who gets frightened, martyrs tend to revert to form. They find ways to make sure that things dont get too good. If there relationships seem to be rolling along peacefully, they find some way to derail the train.
People invariably accomplish what they truly believe, and since Martyrs truly believe that life is suppose to be a struggle, a struggle is what they get. Nothing ever is really good, truly enjoyable, or pure joy. For martyrs the best that something can be is "nice" ... Habits create needs and Martyrs need to suffer.
Agressive Martyrs often form relationships with passive, trembling types. Then they feel bad for having no get up and go. They can complain that they have to make all the decisions and do all the work. But of course that is why they formed that relationship.
Recovery ... Martyrs can become people who do not need to suffer in abusive relationships
WORKAHOLICS
These are people who have learned to base their self-esteem on activity. I used to say that the Workaholic's self-esteem is based on productivity, but I have come across many Workaholics who simply just have to busy. Accomplishment isn't it -- just flying around in constant motion seems to be enough. Some people call this the "craziness of the busies."
Workaholics find it extremely difficult to relax. They need "busyness" to feel worthwhile and they are never off the hook because their need to do is merciless. Workaholics Martyrs carry it a step farther and feel guilty when they aren't busy.
In relationships, Workaholics continually communicate to their "others" that while they may be important they're just not as important as the project, profit, or performance at hand. Workaholics are disheartening to live with.
Recovery - Workaholics can feel worthwhile even though they are at rest
PERFECTIONISTS
Since nothing on this earth can ever be perfect, Perfectionist can never be happy or satisfied. The base of their self-esteem is unattainable. Perfectionist live in terrible "bondage". Not only must the "things" around them be perfect, but so must the people. they are absolute masters at finding fault. Nothing is ever quite good enough. A child who gets four "A"s and one "B" on a report card will hear the Perfectionist Parent say, " Nice -- but what happened with that B ?" .. "Let's see if we can do something about that." Imperfection abounds of course, so Perfectionist don't have far to look. They are just more skilled than the rest of us at seeing it, commenting on it, and allowing fallibility to control their lives.
Perfectionist (like Caretakers or People Pleasers) don't fall out the trees fully formed at age thirty. They have practiced becoming who they are. They were trained, then they went into training themselves, and finally they started training others. The Cycle is clear enough once you start to look for it.
A clean and sober addict is just that - Clean and Sober. Alcoholic / Addict Perfectionist who gain sobriety are still Perfectionist and, like fleas on a dog, their tendency to neurotic perfectionism will chew away at their efforts to be happy.
Recovery - When we look at the living problems that underlie all addictions. Perfectionists can learn to live at peace with an imperfect world. They can learn the blessed relief that comes from accepting themselves as they are - "flawed" ... and allowing others the same right to be imperfect as well.
TAP DANCERS
Tap Dancers base their self-esteem on staying loose: they have learned to never make a full commitment. They got their name because they never stand still, at least emotionally. You can't get a straight answer out of a Tap Dancer. They are "experts" at creating back doors.
Tap Dancers don't often have just one primary relationship. Sometimes they have five going on at the same time. If one doesn't work, they can fall back on the other four. Tap Dancers seem to get high living on razars edge. A deep, dark part of them seems to love the danger of getting caught. To them, life is a game of hide-and-seek.
Tap Dancers give just enough to keep the other enticed, but never enough to hold on to. They are masters of the half-truth and the veiled truth. You may think that a Tap Dancer has said something solid to you, but when you examine it, you begin to wonder. And the more you wonder, the surer you become that they did it to you again - gave you a "for sure, maybe."
Of course, Tap Dancers only relate to people who are willing to let them dance, so caretakers and people pleasers are sitting ducks for them. The Caretakers may spend a lifetime trying to "FIX" the Tap dancer. The People pleaser will always think its his or her fault that the Tap Dancer won't come out of hiding and make a commitment. So the People pleaser keep trying "to do things right" while the dancer taps away into the sunset of both their lives.
Tap Dancers who sober up can be worse evaders of commitment than before they ever started getting loaded, maybe because of all the guilt and remorse the newly sober person often feels. Guilt and remorse can convince the Tap Dancer that "if people knew the real me" .. "They'd know all the terrible things I've done and what a terrible person I am. I can't let them know the real me !" So he dances away !
Recovery - recovery begins not just when you're at the starting line, but when you've actually begun the race by beginning to deal with underlying issues. Tap Dancers can learn to learn to stand still and be counted. They can learn that commitment can mean freedom as well as confinement.
You are reading from the Book : ( Stage II Life Beyond Addiction )