e79243
01-12-2007, 11:21 AM
I am a 41 year old single mother of a 4 year old little girl. I grew up with my alcoholic father and my twin brother . Our mother (addicted to pain killers) an alcohlic too, abandonned us. My dad drank pure Black Label Whiskey every night. When he got drunk he would get mad and yell real loud, (talking to himself), about how bad us kids are. It really scared us every night when we were so little listening to him yell real loud how bad we were. Everytime his car rolled into the driveway, we would run to our rooms. We would get a sick felling in our stomachs. We did not want to be around him. He did not want us there. He ignored us and never talked to us and we had to raise ourselves. We were not rich and not poor. We grew up in Houston, Texas. I always wondered why I had bad social skills, why my vocabulary was less than most, why I did not care if I made good grades, why I did not care to ever study and made all F's each year and he never asked to see a report card ever. I wondered why I got very uncomfortable around adults. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD, Attachment Disorder, Depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I used to have anxiety attacks. I could never keep a job due to bad attitude and a learning disablilty. I did not learn from my mistakes. I could not concentrate or multi task. I have never had a good relationship with a friend or someone I have dated. I can not get close to anyone or feel love or empathy towards people. I am on medication now for ADHD and Depression and feel a lot better. I have been working hard on me. I have not spoken to my father since 1983. My mother came back into my life at age 25 but this recent Thanksgiving I had to end our relationship because I have a four year old and she was a bad influence. She would cancel every very important engagement. She would have black eye's, all the time, due to falling down drunk episodes that she thought was funny. She would lie to anyone and everyone. She is a narcistic. She rages a lot. She has Bi-polar. She is still addicted to pills and is in denial over it. She is always breaking plans and lies about why she cant make it. She is undependable and very selfish . She is so controlling over anyone and everyone. She does not get to this day why people cringe when she walks in a room. She is toxic and has lots of drama that is all self inflicting. She is very negative. I do not want to put my dauther through all the crap I have gone through and still go through. I started out just like them from 15 to 36 . I was a huge drinker. I had 3 DWI's by 33 years of age and lost lots of friends. I embarrassed myself infront of family and friends and even co workers and bosses. When I got married and pregnant I quit every bad habit while pregnant i.e. smoking, drinking, and zanax . I am going on 4 years and 9 mos. of living fairly clean life for my daughter. I slip up once in a while but never around my daughter and I will pick myself up and not beat myself up and continue living my responsible life. I now think about what the consequences would be if I made this decision which I had never done before. I have a lot to loose if I make any mistakes. My husband and I broke up due to my rages. I did inventory of myself and now living well. I still have PTSD over childhood. I am finally keeping a job by getting along well with others and thinking before I speak and staying on my ADD medicine so I can concentrate and retain learned information. I am finally making ok money. I finally cleaned up my credit then bought a house and an SUV. I do lots of research on my disorders. I read a lot and am on many self help forums. It makes me not feel so alone in why I think the way I do and now I know why I am the way I am.