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01-20-2007, 09:26 AM
CARBS, COWS & CALORIES
Remember last spring's Hoodia ads? We were assured that by summer we'd have string bikini figures. The holidays are here and gone. I ask you, "Are you there yet?"
Me neither.
I wonder why I have trouble losing weight. One clue occurred when my husband Bob and I had an argument. He angrily left the house. When he returned, he wanted a kiss. I maturely refused. Then I saw he had Burger King Whoppers. I quickly got the kiss over with so we could dig in. Then I realized that instead of doing what people usually do when they make-up, we have make-up food binges. It's a healthy way of resolving issues. How can you argue when you have a mouthful of French fries?
I asked my doctor how to lose weight. His answer shocked me. "Burn off more calories than you take in." I switched doctors. I found NYC psychiatrist, Dr. Nancy Tice, who's an expert on weight loss. I don't need her for other issues, mind you, like the voices in my air conditioner. I'm NOT crazy, just overweight.
One of her ideas is, "Try the old trick of putting your fork down between bites." That's a piece of cake. Literally. Who needs a fork for cake? We have fingers!
She mentions exercise (like I want to hear that). I want pills, like Chitosan, pushed by doctors on TV. And they ARE real doctors. Not only do they wear white coats, they've got diplomas. But Chitosan didn't work.
Finally, with great pride, I decided to lose weight the right way. I found the new, improved Chitosan Rx Ultra. Didn't work.
Dr. Tice discusses stress. "Eating sugary carbohydrates leads to feelings of calmness and peace. Instant stress relief." And the problem with that is...?
The carbohydrate/protein experts drive me nuts, especially Dr. Barry Sears – the Zone diet guru. His theory: Eat less carbs. His exemplary example is cows. They're fat because they eat grain (carbs). Hey Doc, you think if their troughs were filled with Velveeta they'd be slender like gazelles? BREAKING NEWS, BARRY: Cows are fat because they eat all day!
Ok. Maybe Dr. Tice is right about exercise. So I reluctantly started my new exercise program. It involves watching Chuck Norris use his Total Gym on his infomercials.
When Bob walked in and asked me why I was watching Chuck, I put down my Fritos and said, "We own a Total Gym."
"I use it," Bob said.
When I told him I did too, he goaded me by asking, "Where is it?"
"If you're asking me, then YOU don't use it." The naive/sweet thing about Bob is that he trusts me. He said, "It's in the older shed." So, now I know.
Here's the skinny. Most thin people eat what they want – just not a cargo ship full. I'm not jealous. I'm hateful. I especially love the "I do what my body tells me" people. I had lunch with one last week. She was eating a fried fish sandwich with mashed potatoes drenched in gravy. I was having a salad drenched in nothing. When she said that she listens to her body, I thought, "Oh yeah? Well my body is telling me to take those mashed potatoes and smush them in your face. Want me to listen to it?"
Food, in Dr. Tice's opinion, shouldn't be a reward. Oh sure. When I win the Pulitzer, I'll reward myself with new socks instead of Raspberry Cheesecake. No. That's wrong. Chocolate Swirl's so much better.
I'll humbly tell you I'm the genius who has discovered what works. Take a deep breath. It's a brand new idea:
Don't eat so much, for heaven's sake!
Actually, Dr. Tice is brilliant. She suggests we say, "Food has never solved my problems. It won't solve them now. I have the power to make healthy changes. I have the power to find good solutions to problems and stressors. I won't ever give that power to food."
Beautiful! But I've got the greatest antidote for stress. Stressed spelled backwards? Desserts.
…..Saralee Perel
Remember last spring's Hoodia ads? We were assured that by summer we'd have string bikini figures. The holidays are here and gone. I ask you, "Are you there yet?"
Me neither.
I wonder why I have trouble losing weight. One clue occurred when my husband Bob and I had an argument. He angrily left the house. When he returned, he wanted a kiss. I maturely refused. Then I saw he had Burger King Whoppers. I quickly got the kiss over with so we could dig in. Then I realized that instead of doing what people usually do when they make-up, we have make-up food binges. It's a healthy way of resolving issues. How can you argue when you have a mouthful of French fries?
I asked my doctor how to lose weight. His answer shocked me. "Burn off more calories than you take in." I switched doctors. I found NYC psychiatrist, Dr. Nancy Tice, who's an expert on weight loss. I don't need her for other issues, mind you, like the voices in my air conditioner. I'm NOT crazy, just overweight.
One of her ideas is, "Try the old trick of putting your fork down between bites." That's a piece of cake. Literally. Who needs a fork for cake? We have fingers!
She mentions exercise (like I want to hear that). I want pills, like Chitosan, pushed by doctors on TV. And they ARE real doctors. Not only do they wear white coats, they've got diplomas. But Chitosan didn't work.
Finally, with great pride, I decided to lose weight the right way. I found the new, improved Chitosan Rx Ultra. Didn't work.
Dr. Tice discusses stress. "Eating sugary carbohydrates leads to feelings of calmness and peace. Instant stress relief." And the problem with that is...?
The carbohydrate/protein experts drive me nuts, especially Dr. Barry Sears – the Zone diet guru. His theory: Eat less carbs. His exemplary example is cows. They're fat because they eat grain (carbs). Hey Doc, you think if their troughs were filled with Velveeta they'd be slender like gazelles? BREAKING NEWS, BARRY: Cows are fat because they eat all day!
Ok. Maybe Dr. Tice is right about exercise. So I reluctantly started my new exercise program. It involves watching Chuck Norris use his Total Gym on his infomercials.
When Bob walked in and asked me why I was watching Chuck, I put down my Fritos and said, "We own a Total Gym."
"I use it," Bob said.
When I told him I did too, he goaded me by asking, "Where is it?"
"If you're asking me, then YOU don't use it." The naive/sweet thing about Bob is that he trusts me. He said, "It's in the older shed." So, now I know.
Here's the skinny. Most thin people eat what they want – just not a cargo ship full. I'm not jealous. I'm hateful. I especially love the "I do what my body tells me" people. I had lunch with one last week. She was eating a fried fish sandwich with mashed potatoes drenched in gravy. I was having a salad drenched in nothing. When she said that she listens to her body, I thought, "Oh yeah? Well my body is telling me to take those mashed potatoes and smush them in your face. Want me to listen to it?"
Food, in Dr. Tice's opinion, shouldn't be a reward. Oh sure. When I win the Pulitzer, I'll reward myself with new socks instead of Raspberry Cheesecake. No. That's wrong. Chocolate Swirl's so much better.
I'll humbly tell you I'm the genius who has discovered what works. Take a deep breath. It's a brand new idea:
Don't eat so much, for heaven's sake!
Actually, Dr. Tice is brilliant. She suggests we say, "Food has never solved my problems. It won't solve them now. I have the power to make healthy changes. I have the power to find good solutions to problems and stressors. I won't ever give that power to food."
Beautiful! But I've got the greatest antidote for stress. Stressed spelled backwards? Desserts.
…..Saralee Perel