Daily Humor

[admin]

There are two sides to every marital argument. His and the right one.

[admin]

On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive woman wearing a long evening gown with slits going all the way up to her waist.

"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.

"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.
"No," he said, "I think it makes the men look longer."

[admin]

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

[admin]

Catching her in the act, the grandmother confronted her 3-year-old granddaughter. "Are you taking your little sister's grapes?"

"No," the 3-year-old innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."

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A young woman had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

She replied "Pretty good I think, but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked "Is that what they told you?
She replied, "Not specifically, but on the application it said "vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary."

[admin]

Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it. She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband John. As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth near it fly every which way! "My goodness, John," she said, blushing at her ineptitude, "I bet the worms think there's an earthquake going on."

"Don't be so sure, Karen. The worms on this course are mighty smart. My guess is that most of them are hiding directly beneath your golf ball for safety."

[admin]

Overheard in a hospital nursery:

"I'm a little girl."
"I'm a little boy."
"How do you know you're a little boy?"
"Wait till the nurse goes out and I'll show you."

When the nurse left, the baby pulled up his gown.

"See? Blue booties."

[admin]

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.

"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broke."

[admin]

Having lost quite a bit of weight recently, I was going through my closet and throwing out things that no longer fit.

My seven-year old niece was watching as I pulled out and held up a huge pair of pants.

"Wow," I said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

My niece looked puzzled and asked, "How old are you now?"

[admin]

Father's Day was nearing when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him all the cards to choose for Dad and asked him to pick one.

When I looked back, I saw Tyler picking up card after card, opening it up and immediately putting it back in the rack.

"Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked. "Can't you find a card for Daddy?"

"No," he replied, "I'm looking for one with money in it."

[admin]

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as the plane neared its destination and she heard the boy's mother say, "Now, remember ... run to Dad first, THEN the dog."

[admin]

A friend of mine had a wedding to go to and needed a gift, but she didn't have much time to shop. Then she remembered the monogrammed silver serving tray someone had given for her wedding. "I never use it," she thought, "so I'll just have someone remove my monogram and put the bride's initials on it." Voila, one instant - and cheap - wedding gift!

So she took it to a silversmith and asked him to erase her monogram and carve a new set of initials into it.

He examined the tray very carefully from all angles, then shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times....."

[admin]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
============
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
============
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you,
darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
============
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
============
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"
============
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend
just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy
replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
============
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor."

[admin]

Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence had been noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door, and being that she’s nearly 85, it took her a bit to get to the door.

“Hello, who is it?” she asked.

“It’s Pastor Smith,” he answered.

“Oh, Hi – Come in, Come in, how’s the ministry doing?” she said.

“Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met.”

“Oh honey, I haven’t felt well lately but I’m getting better.”

Just then, the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old Reader’s Digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then, Mrs. Jones returned and said, “Oh, I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once a month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.” The pastor, feeling a little embarrassed, said, “I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me,” he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s OK, anymore all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!”

[admin]

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine; no adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon: I think this mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed.

[admin]

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives'
birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and
have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went
to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the
job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk
seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and
anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

[admin]

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when
smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into
the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the customer service counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

[admin]

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it
flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the
speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the
camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and,
going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash.
He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not
wearing a seatbelt.

[admin]

During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he
copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was
'log(1+x)'.

He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the
answer to 'timber(1+x)'.

[admin]

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned
officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I
figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An
attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are
thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your
erasure."

So I did.

[admin]

While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a
cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for
him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the
snow."

The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

[admin]

Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast. When I was a
teenager, I used to whine to my parents, "Just once I would like to see
Aerosmith in concert before I die."

The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my mind with
this: "Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."

[admin]

The part of the automobile responsible for most accidents is the nut holding
the steering wheel .

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Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have
a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the
circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could
let you have it for only $3,000."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do
with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I
can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two
grand."

"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"

[admin]

My daughter is going to middle school and I thought I should start talking to her about some serious stuff, such as the meaning of life.

Her response: "My meaning of life is to please Mommy."

So then I asked: "What about Daddy?"

She said: "Your meaning of life is to please Mommy, too".

[admin]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." :11:

[admin]

I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery. "If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two."

At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a valid response."

[admin]

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was baffled.

"This thing must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"Nah," said the man, "Tonight was my night to be the Designated Decoy!"

[admin]

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary.

I was mystified at her extreme emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

[admin]

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years were sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.


"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

[admin]

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an
older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind
her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how
in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"

[admin]

Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it
happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was
ready.

"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

He looked at me and replied, "Twice."

[admin]

DINING OUT

When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant,

it was extremely crowded, so I walked up to the hostess and

I asked, "Will it be long?"



The woman acted like she didn't hear me and just kept writing

at her little podium. So I asked again, "How much of a wait?"



She looked up at that point and responded, "About ten minutes."



A few minutes later we heard the announcement, "Willette B. Long,

your table is ready!"

[admin]

A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

[admin]

After being on the phone forever with a customer who had

been having difficulties with a computer program, a support

technician at my mother's company turned in his report: "The

problem resides between the keyboard and the chair."

[admin]

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

[admin]

A family with seven children moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question. "How many children do you have?"

The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

[admin]

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

[admin]

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on, so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always fasten it with it looped through your steering wheel?"

[admin]

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client.

A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back.

To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday." :11:

[admin]

When I first started college, the professor came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us.

When we echoed back to him, he said "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.

"And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

[admin]

One Sunday at our church, a visitor came who brought his cellular phone and sat in the midst of the congregation. In the middle of the pastor's teaching, the phone began to ring, startling everyone. Without missing a beat, the pastor said, "If that's for me, tell them I'm busy!"

[admin]

Absent With-Out Leave
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was
discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "SIR, my first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to shave my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a condom, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."

[admin]

One night, my dad took us to the grocery store and sent us each to get a different item. My dad went to the back with my 6 year-old sister and on their way they passed the meat section. My dad pointed out some less-common cuts of meat to Sis, including some kidneys. Then they went to get whatever item was theirs to get.

We all met at the check-out line and while my dad paid for the items my sister ran to my brother and me and said with wide eyes "Jessie! They sell kid's knees back there!"

[admin]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

A few minutes later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake ... with three more worms.

[admin]

During a pre-employment physical a fellow from Texas was asked by the doctor about the scars on his scalp, shoulders and back.

The young man replied, "Oh, that was when I was working on a ranch and I got drugged."

Naturally the doctor became somewhat alarmed and wanted more details after hearing that.

The fellow said, "Well ... weren't much to it, ya see ... my horse, he bolted, and as I fell off, I got my foot caught in the stirrup and I was drugged."

[admin]

A seven-year-old girl admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him." :7:

[admin]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women." she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," replied Eve. :11:

[admin]

"Look at this mess!" roared the angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed donut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut, and step on it." :11:

[admin]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty!"

[admin]

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."

[admin]

Thought you tied your shoes right, eh? Frayed knot.

[admin]

"Granmps, I'm really proud of you," said six year old Little Billie to
his grandfather.

"You are? ... Why?" asked the older man.


Billie replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put
your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course I have," the old fellow said. "How else do you expect me to
catch my teeth?"

[admin]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[admin]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

[admin]

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

[admin]

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

[admin]

I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at
its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-nine-cent stamp on a
letter and it can take five to six weeks to arrive. It's still only a penny
a day.

[admin]

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his
glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil
knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

The girl says, "That's French toast."

[admin]

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her
birthday, but even what she's going to exchange it for.

[admin]

Grandma Esther's very first flight in an airplane was the long trip from Los Angeles to New York, non-stop.

The jet had only been aloft for a few minutes when the old girl began complaining to the flight attendant about her ears popping.

The attendant smiled and produced some chewing gum, which she gave freely to Grandma Esther, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When the plane landed in New York, Grandma Esther thanked the attendant on her way off the aircraft.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said as she paused by the door, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

[admin]

Why is it that being called a Senior isn't nearly as much fun as it was in High School?

[admin]

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?!"

[admin]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

[admin]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

====

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

[admin]

Two elderly ladies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.
`
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
`
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"




[DRIVING]
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
`
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
`
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
`
Mildred turned to her and said, "you mean, I'm driving ?"

[free2bunme]

:lol:

[admin]

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger
mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the
area. The blonde exclaimed... "Wow! I can't believe the dinosaurs would
come this close to the highway!"

[admin]

A man goes to his doctor to see about the sore throat he's having. The
nurse explains that the doctor is a little backed up right now and he
should step into the bathroom, take off all his clothes, slip on a paper
nightgown, then have a seat on the bench in the hallway.
`
The man tries to protest that he only has a sore throat and doesn't need
to remove his clothes, but the nurse merely repeats her orders and
bustles off to help someone else.
`
So he complies with her command and joins another man in a thin paper
gown sitting on the bench in the hallway. He starts complaining about
how he only has a sore throat and no one should have to remove all their
clothes for something
as simple as that.
`
The other guy looks at him and says, "You think that's bad? I'm just
here to pay my bill."

[admin]

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're
asleep, he stops."

[admin]

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?

To keep his wigwam :11:

[Crankie Yankee]

One dark day late at night,
two dead boys got up to fight,
back to back they faced eachother,
drew thier swords and shot eachother.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this story is true,
ask the blindman he saw it too.

[flickchic]

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're
asleep, he stops.":lol::1::lol:loved this one thank's!!!:smile:

[admin]

Q. Doctor: 'Have you ever been troubled by appendicitis?'
`
A. Patient: 'Only when I've tried to spell it.'

[admin]

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door,
there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay
here for a few days?"

"What did you tell her?"

"I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."

[admin]

Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling
out the forms, when she came to the line "Color of Hair", she put, "L'oreal
Preference 8 1/2B."

[admin]

What do you call a duck that insists on showing how smart he is? A wise quacker.

"Your sister is spoiled, isn't she?"
"No, that's just the perfume she uses."

When a chicken can't find her eggs, you can say they've been mislaid.

A man's wife was in labor when suddenly she began shouting, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't! Won't!" She was having contractions.

What's the difference between a bus and your boss? Sometimes you miss the bus.

[admin]

A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next to them and noticed a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.



Looking at her husband, she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter." The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks and said, "Here. Have a cookie." :11:

[admin]

Little Johnny watched his mother put cold cream...

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To stay pretty for daddy," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

[admin]

After eight years of marriage, my husband and I decided to make some changes in our lives. He went on a strict diet - he would eventually lose 50 pounds - and I took a job in a small diner.

After my first day at the diner I returned home from work and gave my husband a big hug.

He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.

"Did you miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.

"No," came the reply, "but you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go!" :11:

[admin]

When my children were little, I read the Nativity story out of our big family Bible every Christmas morning.



When my youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.



I thought for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation that she would understand.



Before I could reply, however, my husband said, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

[admin]

When my children were little, I read the Nativity story out of our big family Bible every Christmas morning.



When my youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.



I thought for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation that she would understand.



Before I could reply, however, my husband said, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

[admin]

You will know your internet connection is slow . . .



When you click "Send," a little door in the side of your computer pops open and a pigeon flies out, and your email has real stamps on it.

[admin]

First cave man to second cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."

[admin]

A farmer is in Iowa during a flood. The river is overflowing, with water surrounding the farmer's home up to his front porch. As he is standing there, a boat comes up, The man in the boat says "Jump in, I'll take you to safety."

The farmer crosses his arms and says stubbornly, "Nope, I put my trust in God."

The boat goes away. The water rises to the second floor. Another boat comes up, the man says to the farmer who is now in the second story window, "Jump in, I'll save you."

The farmer again says, "Nope, I put my trust in God."

The boat goes away. Now the water is up to the roof. As The farmer stands on the roof, a helicopter comes over, and drops a ladder. The pilot yells down to the farmer "I'll save you, climb the ladder."

The farmer says "Nope, I put my trust in God."

The helicopter goes away. The water comtinues to rise and sweeps the farmer off the roof. He drowns.

The farmer goes to heaven. God sees him and says "What are you doing here?"

The farmer says "I put my trust in you and you let me down."

God says, "What do you mean, let you down? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!!!"

[admin]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

[admin]

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

[admin]

My husband and I have always exchanged chores around the house, including doing the dishes, which I hate to do, and mowing the lawn, which he hates to do. This worked to our mutual satisfaction until he began to be bothered by people in passing cars staring at him as he relaxed while I mowed.



He solved the problem by presenting me with a T-shirt to wear while I was cutting the grass. On the front, big letters said: "IT'S ALL RIGHT." The back of the T-shirt proclaimed: "HE DOES THE DISHES." - Margaret A. Trauger in Laugh Letter

[admin]

Two ol' boys are walking down a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag? "

"Jus' some chickens. "

"If I guess how many they are, can I have one? "

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them. "

"OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five? "

[admin]

After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

"Don't come back here," he begged.

[admin]

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question. "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

[admin]

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."

[admin]

It was little Michael's first visit to the country farm and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Early one morning he caught his first look at a peacock, strutting in the yard.

Rushing indoors, he excitedly told his Grandma, "Gramma, you gotta come see this! One of the chickens is in bloom!"

[admin]

Sometime around two in the morning our phone rang, waking us out of a
sound sleep.
`
"Wrong number," my husband growled, and slammed down the receiver. A few
minutes later it rang again.
I heard him say, "One with pepperoni and extra cheese and one with
sausage. Pickup in 20 minutes."
`
"What was that?" I asked. "I took his order. Now we can sleep."

[admin]

A man got on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between
Limerick and Cork.
`
"About two hours," says the driver.
Then the man says, "Okay, then how long is the trip between Cork and
Limerick?"
`
The irritated driver says to the man, "It's still about two hours. Why
would you think there would be a difference?" And the man said, "Well,
it's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time
between New Year and Christmas!"

[admin]

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.
Received in email

[admin]

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

[admin]

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling, and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl so I had to do all the rest."

[admin]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." :eek::11:

[admin]

Mrs. Jones had been a faithful member of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.

"Oh, hello. Come in, Come in! How's the ministry doing?" She said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old Reader's Digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month, so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says. :25:

[admin]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken
among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it
was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in
the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room
when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom
waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for
Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
And sure enough........!!! :eek: :11:

[admin]

A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.
"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud - one of his sons just entered the ministry."

[admin]

"College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone."

[admin]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

[admin]

The following was overheard at a recent high society party...

"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"

"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."

[admin]

One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

[admin]

Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."

The clerk asks, "Sheer?"

The man replies "No. She's in another store."

[admin]

A couple had been married for 45 years, had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

[admin]

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: ! Oh, that's good.

Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,

Do it yourself. :11:

[admin]

At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have
come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days." :1:

[admin]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned.

Lucy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before.

[admin]

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift.As
lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie
tasted bad.
It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.
`
Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the
neighbors a note. It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.
Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

[admin]

AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls.
When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly
interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other.
"Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting
down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute
silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed.
"You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my
aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

[admin]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
`
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[admin]

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

[admin]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.


They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.


"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."


A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[admin]

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.

"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

[admin]

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: “It’s Adam’s suit!”

[admin]

I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.

I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside, stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside. I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was looking at me strangely.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer." :11:

[admin]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the
groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again
began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't
shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a

piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for
her
memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with t hem to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
"Honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you
think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned
out. It's probably just your Dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because
you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need
a laugh.

[admin]

Operating high-pressure boilers can be stressful -- like the time my two
co-workers and I discovered a potentially dangerous leak in a boiler.
Scorching steam was billowing out, filling up the room and decreasing
visibility.
`
"I hope this doesn't get any bigger," said one co-worker. "I don't want
this steam to be the last thing I see in this world."
`
"That wouldn't be so bad," my other co-worker replied. "So long as it's
not the first thing you see in the next.

[admin]

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

[admin]

"You're back early. I thought you went to the racetrack."

"I did."

"But you told me you were broke."

"I am. I just made mental bets."

"How did you do?"

"By the fifth race, I'd lost my mind."

[admin]

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

[admin]

Two elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"

The other old fellow replied, "All of it."

[admin]

This woman and her son are in a nice restaurant. There's quite a bit of food left
over, so the woman tells the waiter, "Please put the meat in a bag for
the dog."

The son jumps up, "Wow, Mom, are we getting a dog?"

[admin]

"Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"

[admin]

AFTER MY HUSBAND asked me to help him shed some
unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and
substituted crisp celery. While he was unenthusiastically munching
on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he
watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting
over a freshly baked cake. When it was over, my husband turned to
me. "Did you ever notice," he asked, "that they never advertise
celery on TV?"

[admin]

WHILE WAITING her turn at the catalogue-order desk, my
mother heard the clerk explain to a customer that their state-of-
the-art computer would call him when his order came in. The man
told her to leave a message on his answering machine if he wasn't
home. The woman became flustered. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied,
"but our computer won't talk to a machine."

[admin]

Did you hear about the hummingbird and the doorbell who fell in love and got married? They had a little humdinger. :11:

[admin]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his
wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit
the ball I couldn't see
where it went."
`
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she
says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try".

`
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He
can't help".
`
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the
fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
`
"Of course I did!"
`
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
`
"I can't remember"

[admin]

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-
checked with Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he
shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

[admin]

Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having
to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.
After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read:
"Please leave the bathroom as you found it." I noticed the bathroom
was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how
did you find the bathroom?" After a brief pause, he replied,
"Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

[admin]

ON MY WAY to deliver a computer to a customer, I saw a handwritten sign
at the entrance of an alley.
`
It read: "Blocked! Do not pass!
`
Difficult to turn back." I continued anyway, only to discover that the
alley was indeed blocked by a fallen tree. As predicted, it took a while
to turn the truck around. When I finally got back to the entrance, I
noticed a second sign. It read: "Told you
so!

[admin]

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a
bottle of it on his dining room table.
He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest
finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach
hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of
it."

[thereishope]

:lol:

[admin]

As a bank teller, I was required to obtain identification from
customers making withdrawals, even if I knew them. On Mrs.
Brady's third visit to my window in a week, she balked at my
request for ID. "I can't believe you don't know me after all these
years," she said.
A few minutes later, I was relieving the drive-up teller and was
surprised to see Mrs. Brady in the next car. "Hi, Mrs. Brady," I said,
laughing. "Back again so soon?"
"I'm glad you remember me," she huffed, "because that girl
inside never does!"
-- Lynn Kelly

[admin]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.


The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."


The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."


The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

[admin]

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers: “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases.”

Pharmacist: “Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works.”

Jacob: “You have loose bladder and gas pills?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics.”

Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

[admin]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."''Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?" :11:

[thereishope]

:lol:

[admin]

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: “Don’t attempt these task-organizing tips at home,” he said.

“Why not?” he was asked.

“Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast,” he replied, a little embarrassed. “I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, ‘Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.’”

He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.” :11:

[admin]

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling. After the sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the appeal, the rich man stood up and announced, “Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.”

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and said, “Pastor, on second thought I will increase my donation to $5,000.”

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again. This time he cried out, “Pastor, I meant to say $10,000.”

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and proclaimed, “Pastor, I will give $20,000!”

This prompted a deacon to shout, “Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!”

[admin]

One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b***h.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

[annalittlebit]

:lol::lol::lol:

[admin]

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night...Daryl sat up and watched me all night.' :11:

[admin]

A Tamworth farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscribers house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. So, carry on as usual!! :272:

[annalittlebit]

:lol:

[thereishope]

:lol:

[admin]

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.

"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad." :11:

[thereishope]

:lol:

[admin]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I pray for a new bicycle...

I pray for a new X-Box...

I pray for a new DVD..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" :11:

[admin]

Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?
There's not a Single person in it.

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: DAM!!

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold "out tide!"

What do you call a boom-a-rang, that dosen't come back?
Answer: A stick!

[admin]

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.

[annalittlebit]

:lol::lol:

[admin]

Two young men were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this
catalog?"
The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the
price!"
The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At
this price, I'm buying one."
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one
and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, the young man asks his friend, "Did you ever receive
the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?" The second man replies,
"No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

[admin]

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in
the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying
on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a
specific color or style she could get for her. "I need a dress for my
class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style,
as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years
younger."
From another dressing room, I heard a woman call out, "Make that two!" :1:

[admin]

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. “I went to get a haircut,” was the reply.

“But,” said the pastor, “why didn’t you do that before the service started?”

“Because,” the gentleman said, “I didn’t need one then.” :3:

[shrubbery]

I fellow was having dinner at his sponsee's home when he noticed that all the plates and utensils seemed slightly dirty.

"Do you need help learning life skills," he asked. As he pointed out the substances on the back of the spoon and edge of the plate.

"Nope, best Cold Water can do," was the reply.

"But I know you have hot water, I washed my hands prior to sitting down for dinner, and I used the dish soap to wash them!"

The sponsee just smiled and handed the sponsor a paper plate and a plastic utensil set still in plastic from a fast food restaurant.

At the end of the meal as they got up to enter the livingroom to work on some steps the sponsee yelled to his dog: "Cold Water come on in here dishes need done!"

Peace
and

[annalittlebit]

:lol::lol:

[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

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[kelvinprera]

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

--------------
kelvin
Vermont Drug Treatment Centers (http://www.drugstrategies.org/Treatment/Vermont)