Random Thoughts

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RANDOM THOUGHTS

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't fix.

At the funeral parlor they told me that grief takes many forms. At least they helped me fill them out.

Is there a Bureau of Missing Personalities?

I know I'm beautiful on the inside ... I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.

That which does not kill us makes us ... bitter. Really, really bitter.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their workplace is louder now than it was five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."

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Being persistent means you have a strong will. Being obstinate means you have a strong won't.

When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

"As a matter of fact" is an expression that often precedes many words that aren't.

A Show-Off is usually shown up in a showdown.

Some people read too much, some people write too much; everyone talks too much.

The secret to success lies in three words: sight, insight, and excite!

Judge your success not only by what you've become, but by what others have become because of you.

Knowledge is power, but the unnecessary display of it is weakness.

Do not resent growing old; many are denied the privilege.

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

There are three ingredients in a good life: learning, earning, and yearning.

A lot of happiness is overlooked because it doesn't cost anything.

Experience is a teacher who never tells you what your next lesson will be.

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The problem with sneezing these days is that my bladder thinks it needs to be involved.

Whenever I do a jigsaw puzzle, I'm always missing a piece ... the piece where the whole thing is fun, for instance.

I'm a paranoid dyslexic. I always think I'm out to get somebody.

I asked what the difference was between a mime and a pantomime. No one would say.

There's a new two-step program for people addicted to line dancing.

If I had a nickel for every hour I sat in front of the TV ... I could get one of those really good high-definition plasma sets.

My doctor says I'm digging my own grave with a knife and fork. Does that count as exercise?

Next year we're going to spend our vacation somewhere near our budget.

Is a mushroom a good place to keep your mush?

I bought a device that slices right through the packaging on CDs, but I can't get it out of the box.

When I was in grade school, my teachers told me I was just taking up space. And that's how I became an astronaut.