Kidro
07-05-2007, 12:09 PM
Hi. I have been using drugs and alcohol since i was about 10 years old. I never thought anything was wrong with it and i would abuse and use as fast and as hard as i could with a particular substance until i didnt want it any more and then move on to the next thing. I got a DuI in 2004 when i was 18 and since then i have maybe drank 4 or 5 beers. My desire to drank alcohol is non existant i drank a few during a christmas party at work in which i had someone driving me and i was doing nothing destructive and i felt comfortable drinking it. I continued to smoke pot pretty regularly tho I always smoked daily if not hourly. I could function during work and during family gatherings etc etc and i have always convinced myself that the only thing wrong with smoking is that it is illegal. So it is safe to say i have been struggling with recovery with no help from anyone other than myself for the last 3 years so I have a foundation of what i need to do.
I did a program with the government in 2004 to get my license back in which i was drug tested. I was never serious about recovery at that time i had full intentions to going back to smoking once the program was over. Life was pretty good then so not smoking was not hard for me. Towards the last 3 weeks of my 16 week program my girlfriend got pregant we were both in highschool and her parents were very controlling And i had feelings that she got pregnant on purpose to get out of her parents house so the feelings scared angry and resentment made me turn back to smoking pot and i failed a drug test and was removed from the program.
I went on for the next 2 years smoking pot regularly driving to work everyday with no license. I looked past the circumstances of which my child was concieved and did everything i could to take care of my family and mature from a boy to a man. Life was starting to get better again I have gotten 5 dollars in raises in 3 years from work. For 21 with no highschool diploma i think i am doing fairly well for myself. My company pays 100% of my insurance and i only pay like 80 dollars every 2 weeks for my daughters 3 weeks vacation very large christmas bonus etc etc. So In december of last year i finally decided to volentairly reenroll into the program to try and get my license back again. Still with the same feelings and mentality that when i was done i was going to go back to smoking again. I had never been serious about recovery. But again it was easy for me not to smoke because life was good and i always knew that if i needed it i could go back to it.
I would say it was april of this year i am not great with dates and times I had a urge to get messed up and i had no desire to drink and I knew i could not smoke or i would fail a drug test but I knew i could do cocaine on thursday night and do it all weekend and sobor up by thursday and pass a drug test if my program gave me one. Well i did that and it kind of took control of me for 1 month. I mistreated my child's mother during this time I never cheated on her I never beat her I just wasnt there for her emotionally or physically. I would hide my car in a field and hide out in the woods using or hide somewhere and use because i was so ashamed of what i was doing that i did not want anyone to catch me. Eventually I guess she got sick of it and up and left without saying anything she just left and never looked back.
That day i got off the cocaine and became severly depressed to the point in which i could not function. I was extremly sick had no control over my body functions would not get out of bed etc etc. I went back to smoking pot for 2 weeks because it was the only thing that I could self medicate myself with to begin functionally normally in daily life and be able to function during work. My childs mother has basically abandoned me and my child. She doesnt even call and check on her I have no idea where she lives or works she refuses to pay any childcare etc etc. This is the first time in my life that I have been "serious" about recovery. I am not in couseling 3 times a week. Once a week in a group, once a week with a indivual payed counseler, and once a week my pastor and I sit down and talk about life.
I had never considered church i was always against it growing up. One day i broke down at work and my boss asked me what was going on so i opened up to him and told him what was going on. He took it upon himself to call his pastor and he came to my work and talked to me for 2 hours. That day in a small office at work I felt the holy spirit coming into my body and I asked for Gods help. I have been taking my child and myself to church every Sunday since.
I am very confident that I have the will power to stay sobor now that I am serious about recovery. I have taken every step that i could percieve i could possibly take to help myself. I have petioned to the court to get my restricted license so i could drive to the nessacary things i need to go to without the fear of going to jail. Whenever i have cravings I had 3 or 4 people that have recovered for 25 years + to talk me through it and will come to me if it is serious enough to have them by my side. I filed for custody of my child last week and we have court this coming up monday. Tommorow i have the exit interview with my program to get my license fully reinstated and i am very nervous about it. Because the 2 weeks i smoked to be able to function has not been long enough to clear my system of the THC and i am almost certain that i will get a drug test. I know i cannot lie about it because i have known the lady for 3 years and she knows me very well so lieing will not get me anywhere. I Feel confident that if i tell her the truth and tell her what is going on she will work with me. She is best friends with my indiual counseler and they started NA together in the city in which i lived near 30 years ago.
Since i have become serious about recovery some days I feel the best i have ever felt in my entire life and some days i feel very alone and abandoned and its hard knowing that something i always turned to I cannot and willnot turn to when times get tough. Basically my main struggle is learning to live life on gods terms without having substances to turn to when i need them.
Being a 21 yr old single father it is hard to make friends because 99% of the people my age use drugs or drink alcohol. And beteween work and taking care of my child there isnt much time for anything other than meetings when i can sneak them in there.
That is my story I found this site Googleing recovery topics so here i am. I need people to talk to so anyone with free time feel free to talk to me.
Sorry for the long post I wanted to get all of that out at once.
I did a program with the government in 2004 to get my license back in which i was drug tested. I was never serious about recovery at that time i had full intentions to going back to smoking once the program was over. Life was pretty good then so not smoking was not hard for me. Towards the last 3 weeks of my 16 week program my girlfriend got pregant we were both in highschool and her parents were very controlling And i had feelings that she got pregnant on purpose to get out of her parents house so the feelings scared angry and resentment made me turn back to smoking pot and i failed a drug test and was removed from the program.
I went on for the next 2 years smoking pot regularly driving to work everyday with no license. I looked past the circumstances of which my child was concieved and did everything i could to take care of my family and mature from a boy to a man. Life was starting to get better again I have gotten 5 dollars in raises in 3 years from work. For 21 with no highschool diploma i think i am doing fairly well for myself. My company pays 100% of my insurance and i only pay like 80 dollars every 2 weeks for my daughters 3 weeks vacation very large christmas bonus etc etc. So In december of last year i finally decided to volentairly reenroll into the program to try and get my license back again. Still with the same feelings and mentality that when i was done i was going to go back to smoking again. I had never been serious about recovery. But again it was easy for me not to smoke because life was good and i always knew that if i needed it i could go back to it.
I would say it was april of this year i am not great with dates and times I had a urge to get messed up and i had no desire to drink and I knew i could not smoke or i would fail a drug test but I knew i could do cocaine on thursday night and do it all weekend and sobor up by thursday and pass a drug test if my program gave me one. Well i did that and it kind of took control of me for 1 month. I mistreated my child's mother during this time I never cheated on her I never beat her I just wasnt there for her emotionally or physically. I would hide my car in a field and hide out in the woods using or hide somewhere and use because i was so ashamed of what i was doing that i did not want anyone to catch me. Eventually I guess she got sick of it and up and left without saying anything she just left and never looked back.
That day i got off the cocaine and became severly depressed to the point in which i could not function. I was extremly sick had no control over my body functions would not get out of bed etc etc. I went back to smoking pot for 2 weeks because it was the only thing that I could self medicate myself with to begin functionally normally in daily life and be able to function during work. My childs mother has basically abandoned me and my child. She doesnt even call and check on her I have no idea where she lives or works she refuses to pay any childcare etc etc. This is the first time in my life that I have been "serious" about recovery. I am not in couseling 3 times a week. Once a week in a group, once a week with a indivual payed counseler, and once a week my pastor and I sit down and talk about life.
I had never considered church i was always against it growing up. One day i broke down at work and my boss asked me what was going on so i opened up to him and told him what was going on. He took it upon himself to call his pastor and he came to my work and talked to me for 2 hours. That day in a small office at work I felt the holy spirit coming into my body and I asked for Gods help. I have been taking my child and myself to church every Sunday since.
I am very confident that I have the will power to stay sobor now that I am serious about recovery. I have taken every step that i could percieve i could possibly take to help myself. I have petioned to the court to get my restricted license so i could drive to the nessacary things i need to go to without the fear of going to jail. Whenever i have cravings I had 3 or 4 people that have recovered for 25 years + to talk me through it and will come to me if it is serious enough to have them by my side. I filed for custody of my child last week and we have court this coming up monday. Tommorow i have the exit interview with my program to get my license fully reinstated and i am very nervous about it. Because the 2 weeks i smoked to be able to function has not been long enough to clear my system of the THC and i am almost certain that i will get a drug test. I know i cannot lie about it because i have known the lady for 3 years and she knows me very well so lieing will not get me anywhere. I Feel confident that if i tell her the truth and tell her what is going on she will work with me. She is best friends with my indiual counseler and they started NA together in the city in which i lived near 30 years ago.
Since i have become serious about recovery some days I feel the best i have ever felt in my entire life and some days i feel very alone and abandoned and its hard knowing that something i always turned to I cannot and willnot turn to when times get tough. Basically my main struggle is learning to live life on gods terms without having substances to turn to when i need them.
Being a 21 yr old single father it is hard to make friends because 99% of the people my age use drugs or drink alcohol. And beteween work and taking care of my child there isnt much time for anything other than meetings when i can sneak them in there.
That is my story I found this site Googleing recovery topics so here i am. I need people to talk to so anyone with free time feel free to talk to me.
Sorry for the long post I wanted to get all of that out at once.