dalin
08-09-2007, 12:50 PM
Step One - Self Awareness
The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power is the first step.
Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples. Do it right here on our Lifestyle Makeover Weekly Challenge Message board.
Question One
People may not ___________. (Examples)
Go though my personal belongings
Criticize me
Make comments about my weight
Take their anger out on me
Humiliate me in front of others
Use sarcastic humor
Invade my personal space
Leave my water running
Leave messes for me to clean-up
Ask personal Questions
Spend my money
Be argumentitive in my presence
Make me defensive about my wants, needs, desires
Question Two
I have a right to ask for ____________. (Examples)
Privacy
Peace and quiet .
Help around the house
More information before making any agreement or purchase
Quiet time to myself
Not to be rushed
The opinion of others
Time to do as I please
A smoke free environment
Help around the garden
Compensation for my efforts
Question Three
To protect my time and energy, it's OK to _________________. (Examples)
Turn the ringer off on the phone
Take my time returning calls or e-mails
Change my mind
Bow out of an activity
Cancel a commitment
Reserve a place in my home that is off-limits to others
Get help with daily chores
Insist that others keep the kitchen sink clean at all times
Know when to let it all go
Have absolute privacy and quiet
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Step Two Setting Your Boundaries
Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first but, as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier.
1.Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation.
2.Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.
3.Use simple, direct language.
Here are some examples:
To set a boundary with an angry person:
"You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."
To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:
"I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later."
To say no to extra commitments:
"Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs."
To set a boundary with someone who is critical:
"It's not okay with me that you comment on _____________. I'd like to ask you to stop."
To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
"I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."
"I want you to know that I won't be making a decision today. I'd like to gather information"
To set a boundary with a hair stylist:
"I love what you've done with my hair, but I'm ready for a change. I'd like to talk about a new hairstyle."
To back out of a commitment:
"I know I agreed to __________________, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'll need to bow out. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week."
To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows or expects money:
"I won't be lending you, giving you, franchising you with money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself."
4. When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.
5. Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Step Three: Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries Use Your Internal Sheild
One of the reasons that women take things personally is because they have weak "internal boundaries." An internal boundary is like an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without checking it out first. For example, when someone accuses you of being arrogant, you stop and consider the statement *before* taking it in.
When you use this internal shield (especially with difficult people like an ex-spouse or critical parent) it gives you time to ask yourself the following three questions:
1. How much of this is true about me?
2. How much of this is about the other person?
3. What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?
Cheryl says this last question is very important. Too often women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening their internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends you, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal boundaries.
From the show Lifestyle Makeovers: How To Set Personal Boundaries
The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power is the first step.
Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples. Do it right here on our Lifestyle Makeover Weekly Challenge Message board.
Question One
People may not ___________. (Examples)
Go though my personal belongings
Criticize me
Make comments about my weight
Take their anger out on me
Humiliate me in front of others
Use sarcastic humor
Invade my personal space
Leave my water running
Leave messes for me to clean-up
Ask personal Questions
Spend my money
Be argumentitive in my presence
Make me defensive about my wants, needs, desires
Question Two
I have a right to ask for ____________. (Examples)
Privacy
Peace and quiet .
Help around the house
More information before making any agreement or purchase
Quiet time to myself
Not to be rushed
The opinion of others
Time to do as I please
A smoke free environment
Help around the garden
Compensation for my efforts
Question Three
To protect my time and energy, it's OK to _________________. (Examples)
Turn the ringer off on the phone
Take my time returning calls or e-mails
Change my mind
Bow out of an activity
Cancel a commitment
Reserve a place in my home that is off-limits to others
Get help with daily chores
Insist that others keep the kitchen sink clean at all times
Know when to let it all go
Have absolute privacy and quiet
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Step Two Setting Your Boundaries
Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first but, as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier.
1.Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation.
2.Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.
3.Use simple, direct language.
Here are some examples:
To set a boundary with an angry person:
"You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."
To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:
"I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later."
To say no to extra commitments:
"Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs."
To set a boundary with someone who is critical:
"It's not okay with me that you comment on _____________. I'd like to ask you to stop."
To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
"I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."
"I want you to know that I won't be making a decision today. I'd like to gather information"
To set a boundary with a hair stylist:
"I love what you've done with my hair, but I'm ready for a change. I'd like to talk about a new hairstyle."
To back out of a commitment:
"I know I agreed to __________________, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'll need to bow out. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week."
To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows or expects money:
"I won't be lending you, giving you, franchising you with money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself."
4. When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.
5. Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Step Three: Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries Use Your Internal Sheild
One of the reasons that women take things personally is because they have weak "internal boundaries." An internal boundary is like an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without checking it out first. For example, when someone accuses you of being arrogant, you stop and consider the statement *before* taking it in.
When you use this internal shield (especially with difficult people like an ex-spouse or critical parent) it gives you time to ask yourself the following three questions:
1. How much of this is true about me?
2. How much of this is about the other person?
3. What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?
Cheryl says this last question is very important. Too often women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening their internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends you, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal boundaries.
From the show Lifestyle Makeovers: How To Set Personal Boundaries