back onto real deal alcoholics

[hetiheti]

just back from my first aa meeting - as i said earlier it was a closed womens meeting - 10 of us - very comfy, sitting around drinking coffee and eating chocolate biscuits while they told me their stories - some very horrific, others a little horrific and i feel like a fraud because i have not had to hit rock bottom - keep going the way i was i probably eventually would. i used to find a bottle of wine would make me very very merry - some would say not so merry - more like arguementive - i don't know when after a bottle i would really really want to open another - just a glass - hmmmmmmmm!! it became a real effort then to stop at that just one more glass - and a bottle was finished in such quick time - i always felt like looking for leak in the bottle - surely i couldn't have finished it already - no wonder i want another. when going out to the movies with a bunch of girls from work we always go out for coffee but because of me we would have to go somewhere they served wine so i could have a glass or two while they all had coffee - i sort of was embarrassed but not enough to have coffee eh!!! oh, and ringing my family late at night when i thought i was soooo entertaining - shame!!!!! always had to ring up next morning to apologise - yuk!!! and while my darling husband enjoys a wine and knows when to stop, i watched while he shook his head on the way to bed as i open another bottle and hear him say, goodnight, i love you but please sleep upstairs tonight. so taylorleigh, maybe i am not a real deal alcoholic but thank god for honey barbara and aa so i never have to become one. so am i a fraud, can i go back next week and say what i have said here without looking holier than thou - cos i am not - ???? goodnight, sleep well all, aroha hetiheti

[zoomie]

There are different stages of alcoholism as there are different styles of drinking and different stories. Most normal drinkers do not drink a whole bottle of wine by themselves. I would if I were you take the Alcoholic test. You can find it on soberrecovery.com or ask for the link to it on there or perhaps someome here has the link. I know for me in my aria the only requerment to attend AA meetings is a desier (sp) to stop drinking. You do not have to hit rock bottom to do so.

[DaveH]

Low bottom, High bottom, Rock bottom........ I found it much more helpful in my own recovery to not compare them. I screwed up two marriages, several relationships and countless friendships. I was a lousy parent, had a forclosure and ruined my credit. I always had a place to sleep and I never lost a job though so I suppose I would be a "middle" bottom. Point is it does not really matter. If you don't have an "off" switch when you start drinking, or things always happen that you wish had not, you are probably in the right place. And please don't be ashamed that your story is not as horrific as another, your story may just have more "not yets" than others. I am grateful that your story did not have to become that bad. If you are doubting, Zoomie's advice was right on; take the Alcoholic test and see how many positive answers you have. I don't think it is how often we drink as much as what happens when we drink. Best wishes on your journey.
Regards,
DaveH

[clean42day]

Alcoholism is really not about the quantity that you drink - it is about the quality of life that you loose from drinking and the unmanageability that it causes in your life. If you are paying consequences....for your drinking...like physical, emotional, mental, spiritual....loss in the qualtiy of relationships in your life...where drinking slowly starts to become more important than say other priorities.

I know beinge drinkers who only drank 1 time a month - but they did so much damage in that one drinking session - they might as well have drank everyday.

unfortunatly no one knows when they cross the line from "wanting" a drink to "needing" one......we only recognize that in retrospect when we look back and find we have lost the power of choice.

My bottom was 14 years of homelessness....my sponsors bottom was when she woke up out of a blackout vacuuming the living room rug naked! .....two extremes of the same disease, two different bottoms.....we both arrived at a place of emotional, physical, and spiritual unmanageabilty and couldn't live that way any more.

Doesn't matter if your a high or low bottom - don't make the mistake of comparing your life or your drinking habits to others.....if you have the disease of alcoholism - it is smart enough to talk you into or out of anything to justify another drink.

here's a little clue though - most people who are certain they don't have a drinking problem - don't end up in AA meetings looking for friends.

if you think you have a problem - chances are you do.....lol

I hope you stick around - if nothing else you will find some incredible tools for living that will enhance your life and personal developement and you will also find a fellowship of awsome people world wide that will welcome you with open arms because they have been where you are, understand where you are at, and have a roadmap to help you recover.

light and love

Gail

[hetiheti]

don't worry - i know i am an alcoholic - i think i've known for a long time - but admitting it meant i would have to give up - and that was hard to get my head around - but now i consider myself incredibly lucky that i have arrived at this point - with help from my family, friends and complete strangers like you lot who are now no longer strangers and feel like friends - i know in my heart i will be strong and survive - and not only survive but grow and find the real me again - wow, to be able to enjoy myself, be myself and not have to drink a bottle of wine to do so is starting to sound amazing - thank you all so much for your caring and sharing - day nine - hetiheti

[clean42day]

CONGRATULATIONS ON DAY 9 !!!!



KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK SWEETIE

[zoomie]

Hurray on day 9!!!!

[yukonm]

Dear hetiheti,
I found for me my bottom was not when I lost a whole lot of material things. It was when I found myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. We all don't have to keep the same scorecards. Welcome to the community.

[TaylorLeigh]

I didn't realize that you posted this thread until just now. Truly, I wasn't referring to you with the post I had made if that is how you interpreted that. I say if you want to call yourself an alcoholic... if you feel you are one and want to change for the better. That can never really be a bad thing... can it? I am not calling you a fraud. I'm actually kind of concerned that you would think that... like you feel guilty for calling yourself one? You shouldn't. Everyone here says that it is self-diagnosed.

Personally, I know I haven't totally wrecked my life... but I'm making it miserable on myself and those around me, primarily my husband who watches me so close now. I mean nobody should have to ASK you to please just stop for a week...or constantly question if you CAN still stop after just one or 2... and it's not the alcohol. It a total inability to cope and the unwillingness to talk anything out with those close to me. I'd rather just forget, and what better way is there to forget than a nice big bottle of the cheapest wine, or 6 gin and tonics or a cup of vodka in a batch of wild cherry 10 calorie jello. It just SOUNDS pathetic... especially for someone who will be getting a DDS degree in a little over a year.

You call your problem an alcohol problem... I call mine an emotional problem and my guess is that this is why you can stand there and call yourself an alcoholic while I can fiercely defend my position that I am NOT!

Good luck to you in your quest for sobriety. I think you are doing a strong, wonderful thing and I truly hope you find happiness and a better life. ;)

Keep up the good work hetiheti. We are proud of you.

[clean42day]

It a total inability to cope and the unwillingness to talk anything out with those close to me.

I can relate to that TL - unfortunatly for me - when emotionally shutting down became chronic - over time it also became a dysfunctional coping skill that was leaking into other areas of my life. and this is the really messed up part......alcohol and drugs worked perfectly for a period of time to help me do exactly that - numb out and effectively avoid my feelings....but after the "dependency" set in and then full blown addiction.....my tolerance grew to the point where the alcohol and drugs no longer worked. I couldn't get enough of it in me - to produce the same effect that it use to....I would skip right over the pleasant numbness and the euphoria straight into delusional paranoia.......and by then - I couldn't stop. No matter how much will power I applied.....the alcohol, bottle, the drugs and the obsession to use MORE was more powerful than me.

please understand that the hallmark symptom of the disease of addiction and alcoholism is DENIAL. and don't make the mistake of thinking that you are "smarter" than the disease of addicition or alcoholism....I use to think that too. I have sat in alleys with Ph.D's, professional Dr.'s, and even one manager of the space shuttle project - who could not stop smoking crack or put the bottle down long enough to save their jobs - positions or titles of status. and I sat right along with them - knowing what was going to happen and I couldn't stop either. I am a straight A student and have kept a 4.0 for 5 years now....but I was homeless with the disease of addiction for 14 years - all the smarts in the world failed me. All of my family are professionals.....I know plently of professionals with a bunch of danglies behind their names in the rooms of AA and none of their credentials could save them from the depths of alcoholism either. Every single day you drink yourself away - you are also drinking your Dental credentials away too. There will come a time when it affect your school and then what? are you going to stop school and rationalize that too?

it is real simple if you do something long enough - consistently enough - repetitivley over and over again - YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR BRAIN CHEMISTY...AND YOUR BRAIN WILL NOT LOOK FOR OTHER WAYS TO COPE - your memory pathways will become groved and your nerve synopsis will be locked in the deadly receptor/key syndrome and you will be hooked by then into all the "behavioral" symptoms of alcoholism too.


you can bet almost every sinlge person who has finally admitted their alcoholism has also said the words...I am not an alcoholic and IT can't happen to me. I am not going to try and convince you - you will have to have your own experience with your self and your own consequences of drinking.

But it is information just like this - that might finally ring true 5 years from now when you look back at this stage in your life - you will recognize that all the warning signs were there.

you have already called your coping skill pathetic....well what will be different this time next year if you don't stop and learn to cope in other ways?

is is possible to become MORE pathetic - YOU BETCHYA

God I really hope and pray that you don't have to walk down that road of truth to find out.

No one can be treated for an emotional problem without first removing the dysfunctional coping skill that enables that problem to continue.

I hope you find "something" healthy that helps you cope effectivly with your feelings.

light and love

Gail