Looking for Guidance

[Firefly]

Hi all,

I have been wanting to join Coda for some time now. I have a pretty dysfunctional family, don't have normal relationships with any of them, we are all very codependent, and about half just avoid any conflict whatsoever, while the rest have a very hard time with boundaries, or exhibit irresponsible/manipulative behavior or have problems communicating.

To make things tougher, my health has been slowly but steadily going down hill, and I am either not good at keeping friendships, or people really don't understand my illness so they don't stick around, and I moved to a different area, so the few that did, that I worked so hard to get (because of my health it is very hard to socialize and keep up w/friends) are too far away to be of much company, comfort, or even distraction. So it seems like I inevitably keep turning to my family for support, but it's never long before something goes wrong and it all implodes. I love them and want to have them all in my life, but I've had to distance myself for sanity's sake.
I suffer from chronic depression as well, and this exacerbates it even when I'm doing okay with the depression; I can be ok, but a fight with my mother for example, well have me plunged into a suicidal crisis instantly.

I know I need help, because I need to be able to cope with my family better, and for my health's sake, keep my stress levels down, plus, I attract very toxic people, don't have many good friends, and sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of having a healthy relationship, not just romantic, but any kind, as well. I've felt very damaged since I was a teenager with depression, and I thought I was over it, but becoming too ill to work brought out all kinds of insecurities; I feel awful because I cannot work, I've had to accept that I can't, because it affects my health too much, but I've struggled with feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and defensiveness. I worry too much about what people think, and it seems like all of who I was has been taken away from me. I've slowly begun to adjust, but I can't seem to completely accept my disability. Holidays are extra hard for me, so I'm hoping I can find some support to help me cope and get through them better than I did last year, when I barely got through them.

I may try and go to an in person meeting eventually, but there aren't many close by or at times I can make it, so I was wondering if someone could point me in the right direction? Where do I start? Is there a go-to person for questions? I've read some great posts, but is there something I should do each day?

Thanks a bunch, I look forward to benefiting from your experience.

Jane

[hummingbird]

Hi Firefly

Welcome to the forum...I'm glad you found this place.

I probably don't have to tell you that as *anyone* gets older, we require more conscious effort invested in our own maintenance--this includes not only our physical health, but also psychological/social/spiritual health.

You don't say why your family is dysfunctional, but because you're here, I'll assume that it could be due to process/substance abuse, or some other form.

It sounds like there are several inter-related issues going on for you right now. Although actively pursuing a conscious strategy to manage any one of them will also positively influence the others to some extent, at the heart of the matter, IMHO, will be the eventual need to find either a supportive therapist who specializes in your particular issues; or a supportive group.

Many people also find that they need to develop some understanding of a spiritual Higher Power, as there are control/loss of control issues often at play.

Our brokeness was not achieved alone; and perhaps it cannot be healed alone. In a thread on Sexual Abuse, Flick quotes Blaise Pascal (I think) as saying that there is a "God-shaped hole" inside the soul of every person, which can only truly be filled by that spiritual connection to something larger and more all-encompassing than other fallible human beings.

To give anything or any person too much power over your life is a form of idolatry, from a spiritual standpoint--and yet our culture often either requires or advocates this. Just going by what you've said, it could be that the toxic family/acquaintances of whom you speak have been given too much power in your relationships with them.

(This of course, is the disease of Co-D in action--lack of independent thought/action, or hyper-focus on other people.) It could well be that you've been "trained" or socially conditioned to be this way (many women are, unfortunately.) However, in time we can break or detach from the unhelpful behaviors learned from or expected by others.

You do have a great amount of free will, but it is up to you to consciously choose how or whether to exercise it.

Anyway, until you can find appropriate live support, there are wonderful people on this board!

You could also try going to libraries to read up on the topic of Co-D. One classic author in this field is Melody Beattie. You may also find good books on Amazon/Borders.

For depression, JMHO that if human support is thin on the ground, we can do a lot to help ourselves.

One route may be to accept that w/chronic D, there could be prescriptions which would help (depending on your biology, of course.)

But even those of us who have an Rx can do a lot to otherwise help ourselves. Here are just a few suggestions:

--Exercise in whatever way you can--sunlight, fresh air, deep breathing and stretching can change your perspective in minutes; plus help your body/mind to stay as strong as possible.

--Proper nutrition: Fruit, veg, fiber, etc. Read ingredient labels, cut down on fat, sugar, and processed additives. Even take vitamins if necessary.

--Adequate sleep: Usually easiest achieved via a regular sleep schedule, and conducive surroundings.

--Self-soothing/distracting strategies: This could include listening to music, dancing, singing, watching an uplifting movie, joining a hobby group, hiking/biking (if able), sitting in a jacuzzi/bath, volunteering to help others, reading, yoga, stretching, prayer, taking a self-improvement class, etc.

--It is also said that having a beloved cat or dog can ease emotional stress (and if you have to walk the dog, exercise is built in, LOL.) Not sure if smaller pets have similar effect??

--Take One Day At a Time, as often as possible. When life all seems too much, I often have to remind myself that I can not and do not have to control the "Whole Enchilada," so to speak. I have short- and long-term priorities, and all I can do is try to focus on them to the best of my ability on any given day...

--Stuff happens to make most people's lives a battle one way or the other, but in recovery we learn that we cannot control other people and their illnesses--we can only control our own thoughts/behavior.

--With regard to interpersonal issues, you may also like to read up on the topic of boundaries. One series of books which is often reccommended are those by the Christian authors Cloud and Townsend.

HTH

[mrs.ippi]

So glad you found us, Firefly. I too am disabled and cannot work. It took me, personally, a very long time to accept that I couldn't work anymore. But I did finally accept it, and by doing so achieved a bit of peace within myself. I am attending meetings for my alcohol and drug addiction, I have a sponsor, and have learned to say "No" to toxic situations and relationships, of all kinds. I am also under treatment for my mental and emotional issues, even though I had to learn to accept that as well.

Hummingbird has some really good suggestions, and from personal experience they do word. Something else that helps me with my depressive states of Bi-Polar disorder is dressing up and putting on my makeup, every day not just when I feel like it. Did you know that making one's self look nice helps fight depression? I certainly didn't until recently. Just the act of dressing nicely and putting on the makeup concentrates us on the good or beautiful in ourselves. Also having a hobby, mine is knitting, helps lighten the mood and gets us back in a positive framework.

We are here for you, and by helping you we are helping ourselves as well. Lynda