Boyfriend's Drinking = Alcoholic Father - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

mastodon · 11-02-2009, 08:31 PM

This is my first post here and I am beginning my long journey to recovery or to find some sort of peace within myself

My father was an alcoholic from the time I can remember. Used to drink every night, verbally and physically abuse me. My father was mostly absent from my childhood until the age of 6 or 7 due to being in the Navy and when he retired he re-appeared in my life so to speak. I don't really know why he singled me out or why it effected me so badly. Sometimes I tried to stop his drinking or hide his alcohol or pour it down the drain and that made him even more violent and angry. It also made me extremely frustrated and upset. I can only guess that I felt betrayed by him (he finally comes back and then when he does, he's dedicated his life to Miller Lite). I was often responsible for making sure he didn't hurt himself or burn down the house. I often felt like I hated him.

During my last year of highschool I had nervous breakdown of sorts and had to seek help for depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know why my father's drinking effected me this way especially when I wanted nothing to do with him. I got help and eventually, after a year or so, I start feeling much better. I also left for college and removed myself from the chaos of my home life. I also met my boyfriend of three years.

My boyfriend drinks and he used to abuse alcohol by binge drinking. His favorite story to tell was when got drunk, ate an enormous volume of Ramen, puked it up and then passed out in his own vomit. His friend with whom he was drinking with wandered off into the woods behind his house and went missing. Later that morning he was discovered passed out by some railroad tracks down by the river.

My boyfriend knows about my problems and especially after seeing me upset and after becoming more mature, going to school, and getting a job with the police force he no longer does anything like this sort of irresponsible behavior that I described above.

However he is turning 21 soon and plans to drink on a regular basis. Whenever I he drinks or even if I know he is going out to drink, I feel a rush of extreme anxiety and anger and self-hatred. All of the pain of my past with my father comes to my surface and I feel trapped and overwhelmed by it. I am sure many people here know the sort of pain I am talking about. It is all-consuming and all I can do is lay in silence or cry. It feels like I am full of pain and anguish and no matter what I do, I cannot rid myself or my body of it because there is so much.

In particular my boyfriend plans to get wasted with his brothers on his birthday. I have begged and begged him to reconsider this decision. I know I am using manipulative and controlling behavior in order to get him to do what I want so I can avoid re-living the pain that I experienced during my childhood.

I just want to know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend so much and he is one of my only places to go for support. He knows everything I have gone through and we have survived a lot together. I don't want to loose him, but the pain and anguish I feel when I know he is drinking or when he drinks is going to destroy me.

I know I need to get therapy, will I ever be able to cope with my boyfriend drinking? How long will it take? I am at a very bad place with my depression and I don't know if I have the energy to get through all of my issues

*zoomie* · 11-03-2009, 10:36 AM

Your so young! You do need some help to figure out why your dealing with some kid who is drinking the way your boyfriend is drinking. You need a boyfriend who is not going to be puking his guts out or is planning on doing so. It's like you traided your father for your bf. That is not a support system dear,but more heart ache. Please find help soon and keep coming back and posting!

ShanMac · 11-03-2009, 01:41 PM

Hello! Thanks for posting.

I have sympathy with your reaction to other people's drinking. I'm very sensitive to other's drinking if they are close to me (mother, father, sister, boyfriend etc). I've felt panicky and anxious - it makes me feel out of control and scared.

It's hard to know what controlled drinking is, social drinking etc. is when you've had such a bad example growing up. A big issue for me is how do I trust that someone I love can be a controlled or social drinker and not an alcoholic. Drinking triggers my anxiety and fears - I go to therapy to talk about my issues (beyond alcohol) and it has really helped me realize that I'm not out of control even if I feel that way. I think you have the right idea about seeking therapy. There will be more to talk about than just your father's drinking, how being raised in a chaotic household affects your beliefs and ways of thinking and need for control.

I can't comment on your bf situation but it might be something to think about how you ended up choosing someone who is similar to your father. Many of us choose people similar to our parents in some way because we don't know any other way or we're trying to get something from them that we didn't get from our parents.

Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted.

Laura12 · 11-16-2009, 09:32 PM

Hi :)

It must be difficult to have gone through all that. Granted my situation wasn't as bad as yours, but I'm 19 and an ACOA myself, and know how difficult it is to just take it when friends and partners drink too much and think it's all just one big game. I can't really judge your boyfriend without knowing him, but if he knows about your past and made an effort to change the first time, you might want to bring up the fact that it still bothers you. However, if he's truly only planning to have one or two drinks and doesn't intend to go out and get plastered every night, it might be worth following your instincts and seeking some professional help to deal with alcohol in everyday life, to learn that it isn't always a direct link to more pain.

Good luck.

11-02-2009, 08:31 PM	#1
mastodon Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 1	Boyfriend's Drinking = Alcoholic Father This is my first post here and I am beginning my long journey to recovery or to find some sort of peace within myself My father was an alcoholic from the time I can remember. Used to drink every night, verbally and physically abuse me. My father was mostly absent from my childhood until the age of 6 or 7 due to being in the Navy and when he retired he re-appeared in my life so to speak. I don't really know why he singled me out or why it effected me so badly. Sometimes I tried to stop his drinking or hide his alcohol or pour it down the drain and that made him even more violent and angry. It also made me extremely frustrated and upset. I can only guess that I felt betrayed by him (he finally comes back and then when he does, he's dedicated his life to Miller Lite). I was often responsible for making sure he didn't hurt himself or burn down the house. I often felt like I hated him. During my last year of highschool I had nervous breakdown of sorts and had to seek help for depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know why my father's drinking effected me this way especially when I wanted nothing to do with him. I got help and eventually, after a year or so, I start feeling much better. I also left for college and removed myself from the chaos of my home life. I also met my boyfriend of three years. My boyfriend drinks and he used to abuse alcohol by binge drinking. His favorite story to tell was when got drunk, ate an enormous volume of Ramen, puked it up and then passed out in his own vomit. His friend with whom he was drinking with wandered off into the woods behind his house and went missing. Later that morning he was discovered passed out by some railroad tracks down by the river. My boyfriend knows about my problems and especially after seeing me upset and after becoming more mature, going to school, and getting a job with the police force he no longer does anything like this sort of irresponsible behavior that I described above. However he is turning 21 soon and plans to drink on a regular basis. Whenever I he drinks or even if I know he is going out to drink, I feel a rush of extreme anxiety and anger and self-hatred. All of the pain of my past with my father comes to my surface and I feel trapped and overwhelmed by it. I am sure many people here know the sort of pain I am talking about. It is all-consuming and all I can do is lay in silence or cry. It feels like I am full of pain and anguish and no matter what I do, I cannot rid myself or my body of it because there is so much. In particular my boyfriend plans to get wasted with his brothers on his birthday. I have begged and begged him to reconsider this decision. I know I am using manipulative and controlling behavior in order to get him to do what I want so I can avoid re-living the pain that I experienced during my childhood. I just want to know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend so much and he is one of my only places to go for support. He knows everything I have gone through and we have survived a lot together. I don't want to loose him, but the pain and anguish I feel when I know he is drinking or when he drinks is going to destroy me. I know I need to get therapy, will I ever be able to cope with my boyfriend drinking? How long will it take? I am at a very bad place with my depression and I don't know if I have the energy to get through all of my issues

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Drinking again and kids on drugs and drinking	donnell	Newcomers Recovery Help/Support	12	10-25-2009 12:59 AM
lost my father	todd	Narcotics Anonymous - Substance Abuse Recovery	14	03-13-2008 04:28 PM
Our Devilish Alcoholic Personalities - ODAP -The alcoholic monkey	admin	Alcoholics Anonymous - Alcoholism Recovery	0	02-20-2008 02:52 PM
Like Father Like Son	admin	Fun In Recovery	0	10-10-2006 02:41 PM
Father, I love you.	admin	Prayers & Prayer Request	0	08-03-2006 11:16 AM

11-03-2009, 10:36 AM	#2
zoomie Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,205	Your so young! You do need some help to figure out why your dealing with some kid who is drinking the way your boyfriend is drinking. You need a boyfriend who is not going to be puking his guts out or is planning on doing so. It's like you traided your father for your bf. That is not a support system dear,but more heart ache. Please find help soon and keep coming back and posting!

11-03-2009, 01:41 PM	#3
ShanMac Regular Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 11	Hello! Thanks for posting. I have sympathy with your reaction to other people's drinking. I'm very sensitive to other's drinking if they are close to me (mother, father, sister, boyfriend etc). I've felt panicky and anxious - it makes me feel out of control and scared. It's hard to know what controlled drinking is, social drinking etc. is when you've had such a bad example growing up. A big issue for me is how do I trust that someone I love can be a controlled or social drinker and not an alcoholic. Drinking triggers my anxiety and fears - I go to therapy to talk about my issues (beyond alcohol) and it has really helped me realize that I'm not out of control even if I feel that way. I think you have the right idea about seeking therapy. There will be more to talk about than just your father's drinking, how being raised in a chaotic household affects your beliefs and ways of thinking and need for control. I can't comment on your bf situation but it might be something to think about how you ended up choosing someone who is similar to your father. Many of us choose people similar to our parents in some way because we don't know any other way or we're trying to get something from them that we didn't get from our parents. Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted.

11-16-2009, 09:32 PM	#4
Laura12 Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Sheffield, UK Posts: 8	Hi :) It must be difficult to have gone through all that. Granted my situation wasn't as bad as yours, but I'm 19 and an ACOA myself, and know how difficult it is to just take it when friends and partners drink too much and think it's all just one big game. I can't really judge your boyfriend without knowing him, but if he knows about your past and made an effort to change the first time, you might want to bring up the fact that it still bothers you. However, if he's truly only planning to have one or two drinks and doesn't intend to go out and get plastered every night, it might be worth following your instincts and seeking some professional help to deal with alcohol in everyday life, to learn that it isn't always a direct link to more pain. Good luck.