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Relationships & Parenting In Recovery A place to talk about relationship and parenting issues as they relate to recovery including spouses, children, family and friends.

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Old 12-21-2010, 06:54 PM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ann Arbor
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I am in recovery and she is not, she also drinks a lot.

Hey all,

Ok so I have been with this woman for two years. I am a recovering heroin and cocaine addict. I have been clean five years, great life, work at a treatment center, involved in AA, have a sponsor, homegroup, commitments etc etc. She drinks quite a bit. This is all so ridiculous but I have to vent and put it out there. Her drinking began shortly after we began dating. She had received a DUI and was forced into sobriety for quite some time. I feel in my heart of hearts that I should know better. When I look at everything else in my life, what I do for my recovery etc etc it makes no sense. I have been to Al-Anon, prayed, inventory you name it and I cant seem to let her go. I put up with so much insanity, constant lies.....I am sure someone out there can relate.

So I am struggling to understand why I would put up with this. I feel like I love her but wonder lately if this is just another facet of my addiction. Drinking always sent me back into my addiction. I do not enjoy her when she drinks. I dont like to be around anyone for that matter when they are just getting buzzed, it makes me uncomfortable. I have tried many different ways to express how her behavior makes me feel but nothing ever changes. I know sometimes I have to take the reins and make the hard changes, I just for whatever reason am really struggling with this one. I have overcome some unimaginable barriers with recovery as the focus in my life. It has affected my spirituality and my ability to be of use to other alcoholics and addicts. I just feel lost and...well never felt this low about something since my recovery began. Its ****ed up and I want that familiar peace of mind back, not the one I git when drinking and using but the one I get from recovery
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Old 12-21-2010, 10:18 PM   #2
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Do you mean that she started drinking AGAIN after you began dating?

This situation has red flags all over it? Do you tend toward relationships where you are taking care of someone or fixing someone? It sounds like that could be so.

You know yourself that alcoholism is progressive; slower or faster she will get worse unless she decides she want to get help and wants to quit.

It might be very hard, but I think you might be better off to tell her that you can no longer be with someone who abuses alcohol or any substance.

The bad feelings you are having about the situation are telling you that you need to do something about it. I wish you and her the best.
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Old 12-22-2010, 09:01 AM   #3
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well. I can tell you only of my own experiences with a similar situation...AllI can say is that I found myself over analyzing, hypervigilant and completely engrossed in what my significant other was doing and not doing. The thing about recovery was that it changed my perception of things ( for the good of course ) the habits of others were constantly being scrutinized and I was comparing my insides to other peoples outsides far too often. Additionally, I discovered that the Alcoholic / Addict was no longer the person I was in love with but rather the new addiction of the day. Yes, I said it. I was addicted to my addict. When I held this theory up to the light it was clear what I had to do. Hopefully you'll get to that point yourself and serenity will return.....I know what it's like to be stuck like that. Keep up the work in program, talk to your sponsor and you'll get through to the otherside. Keep the faith. HP is there for you.
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Old 12-22-2010, 10:00 PM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ann Arbor
Posts: 4
Thanks for the feed back. And yes she began drinking after we began dating. I dont tend towards relationships where I take care of people either. Usually they have been somewhat normal, I have my life she has hers and we meet in the middle. This one has been unlike any other and continues to baffle me. I just went to my homegroup tonight and already feel better, just dont like being in this spot especially around the holidays.
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Old 11-26-2011, 04:33 AM   #5
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Old 11-26-2011, 07:04 AM   #6
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Suffolk VA
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Park your white horse. Get out of your white armor. If you want to rescue something, rescue a dog or cat. Something that will NOT threaten your recovery. You already know what you need to do here. You need someone clean and sober.
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Old 11-26-2011, 07:20 AM   #7
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been there -- and the troubles go on and on

Originally Posted by kz650 View Post
Hey all,

Ok so I have been with this woman for two years.

I cant seem to let her go.

I put up with so much insanity, constant lies.....I am sure someone out there can relate.
sounds like a relationship than I was in for over 10 years
and as I look back now
it was sicker that I even thought at the time
we were both just using each other
she made sex all to easy
kind of like a bubble gum machine
I knew that it was wrong
finally the day came when I broke up with her ((yet again))
she married a guy I knew from meetings prox 2 weeks later
this was the best thing that could have happened
I knew in my heart now we would never be together again

we know the truth down inside
if we are staying with the wrong one we are just wasting time
probably will not be able to meet the right one
while still with the wrong one

and the troubles go on and on and on and on and on

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Old 12-30-2011, 11:04 PM   #8
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M'lady and I are two different people that will never be the same, I think that is why I love her so much. I am the alcoholic and not her yet as much of a social drinker that she truly was she decided to quit drinking just for me. After awhile I decided to let her drink on occasion when the time was right, example New Years Eve, we will be at home with her daughter and her family. I don't drink and don't need to, she on the other hand can because she is not sick as I so I will let her have a drink or two or three. The fact that she was willing to quit for me was all I needed to know that she is the right person for me because I know that she will never put my recovery before herself. She is a social drinker, and does so drink about three times a year. I am alright with that, if your partner is not willing to put your recovery first then I suggest you pray about the whole relationship, there are many women in recovery and the fact that you may be willing to seek the right one conveys the maturity in you that is necessary to be able to practice these principles in all your affairs. God Bless You
The triumphant arch described in the Big Book of AA can be found over the month of March, connecting the 28th of February with April Fool's. A day is added to February once every four years to help time keep up with the Sun's cycle.
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